Praetorian Series [4] All Roads Lead to Rome (48 page)

I’d known what they’d done and why they’d done it, but I couldn’t accept it.

Not anymore.  Not after all the pain.

I was done.

I couldn’t continue anymore.

And I was finally strong enough to do something about it.

My right hand fell to my thigh on instinct, thinking my pistol would be there, but it wasn’t.  My hand then shifted to my back, thinking my knife would be tucked away behind my belt as it always was, but it wasn’t there either.  It was then that I realized I wasn’t wearing my combat fatigues and that my gear had been removed.  All I wore were cheap trousers and a shirt.  I wasn’t sure what I should do next, but then a thin hand, its delicate appearance tarnished by the rough texture of its palm, wrapped itself around my own and squeezed.  A body moved to sit beside me, and I looked up, immediately realizing that it was Helena.

I flinched away from her, but my body was too weak to recoil very far, and her hand dug in so deeply that I wasn’t sure I could have pulled away from her even had I been at full strength.

“No,” was all I could say, as my head shook and I tried to pull away again.  “No.  No.  No.  You shouldn’t be here.  You…”

“It’s all right,” her voice said, its pitch and tone acting as the purest form of medicine I’d yet had administered to me.  It soothed, comforted, and healed me simultaneously, and I found myself no longer desiring a weapon.

But it wasn’t enough to cure me completely.

“It’s not all right, Helena,” I said, the back of my throat raw and dry, making it difficult to speak.  “Nothing will ever be all right again.”

She didn’t say anything, and I dreaded the look I’d find on her face if I looked at her, but still I did.  It was, as I expected, full of sadness, regret, and the understanding that she knew I was right.

“No,” she finally said, her face unchanged.  “Nothing will ever be the same again, but that doesn’t mean that you haven’t been given a second chance, Jacob.  A chance to amend, a chance to make things right.  You can…”

“No!”  I snapped again, not wanting to say anything else, but then couldn’t help but mutter more under my breath.  “You never thought I ever had to set anything right before…”

“That’s because I never thought you did,” Helena countered, her voice sad.  “But now I do.  I don’t blame you for what happened in Britain, Jacob, I don’t.  I never hated you.  I never gave up on you.  I never thought of anything but finding you.  But… after everything we’ve lost and everything we’ve sacrificed, I know now that there is something we have to do.  Together.”

“What?”  I asked.

“Home, Jacob.  We have to get home.  I no longer have any doubt of that.  I love you so much, Jacob, that…”

“No!”  I tried to yell, but I barely croaked the word out.  “You can’t love me, not anymore, not after what I…”

“Jacob, shut up and listen,” she said sternly, and my body knew better than to argue with that voice.  “Love isn’t some fleeting emotion someone feels when they see someone for the first time on the street.  It isn’t encompassed in this moment or that, in a single action or lone memorable experience.  It’s earned.  It’s gained.  It’s work and struggle, affection and common purpose.  We’ve gone through good times and bad before, and this time is no different.  I
love
you, Jacob, with real love, and after more than six years with you, I think I’ve earned some respect on the subject.”

“Yeah, but…”

“Jacob, please.  Listen to me.  Feel what I’m trying to say.  When you left, I was devastated.  I wanted to tear Galba’s heart out just so I could go after you, and I almost did.  I probably even could have after what you gave me in Britain.  You can’t understand how much it killed me inside to see you torn apart by… something you couldn’t possibly control.  That orb is a poison.  It’s a dangerous, vindictive, malicious, evil thing that took control of you, and
she
, of course, was there to pull you along after her.  Whether any part of you was conscious when you did what you did, I
don’t
care.  I would stand by your side through anything, Jacob.  I always will.  I’ll always be there for you.  I’m not going anywhere.  Ever.”

I breathed deeply through my nose while Helena wrapped her arm around my shoulder and held me tightly.  I knew I should have felt something at her little speech – her little declaration of love and how it would bind us together forever – but I didn’t feel much at all anymore.  Her words were uplifting and genuine, and I appreciated the sentiment, but I couldn’t find much to cling to.  I wanted to but I couldn’t, not with the way I felt, but there was still one thing she’d said that demanded an answer.

“What did I give you, Helena?”  Knowing she understood what I meant.  “What saved your life?”

Helena pulled back and it was her turn to seem apprehensive, but she must have suspected that denying me an answer certainly wouldn’t help anything right now.

“I…” she started, but then she paused.  After a moment, she continued.  “I only just now learned what it was.  From Merlin, Jacob.  He told me it wasn’t a potion or an elixir, but just more of his technology.  It… rebuilt my body.”

“Like… nanites?”  I asked, suddenly interested.

She shook her head.  “I guess?  I don’t know.  He didn’t clarify.  I only have a vague understanding of what even
that
is.  But he said whatever it was would stay with me forever.  It’s terrifying, Jacob.  I can do things now I never could before.  I… I can show you later if you want.”

I turned away from her and looked back at the ground, unsure I wanted there to be a later.  I was curious about what Merlin had given her, but right now, I couldn’t bring myself to care.  All I wanted was to be left alone so that I could die.

“Talk to me, Jacob,” I heard Helena say.  “Let me help you.  We can talk about what happened to me later.”

“What can you possibly do to help me?”  I asked.  “Nothing makes sense anymore.”

“Then make sense of it.  Find a purpose.  I can help.”

“How?”

Helena took in a breath and held it.  This actually perked my interest.  Years spent with this woman told me she was conflicted at what she was going to say.  I finally lifted my head and looked into her eyes, eyes that always directed love in my direction even when they seemed angry.

“How, Helena?”  I was either desperate or concerned for her; I wasn’t sure.

“Vengeance,” she said, trying to sound unemotional but I didn’t need to be fully rational to hear the conflict in her voice.  “We’ve been through too much to simply let Agrippina walk away from this, Jacob.  You know what she deserves, and needing the orbs to get home only justifies it more.”

“But Remus,” I said, my heart rate ramping up just at the thought of the man.  “He’s who’s between us and the orbs, not her.  He’s too powerful.  He… he snapped Boudicca’s neck with a single hand, Helena.  Just… snap.”

“Boudicca?”  Helena asked curiously, which is when I realized no one probably had any idea she’d been with me.

“Boudicca,” I said sourly.  “She… she was so stupid.  Blindly following me for no other reason than because Merlin told her to in a dream.  Just another pawn on his fucking chess board.  Remus
murdered
her, Helena.  She died trying to defend me.  And I just left her there.  In the past.  How could I have done that?  At least… at least…”

“It’s okay, Jacob,” she said, rubbing my back.  “If Remus murdered her, then she deserves revenge as well.”

“You don’t understand,” I said, my head beginning to hurt tremendously.  All this was too much, too fast, and I needed to rest or just end it completely.  “He’s powerful, Helena.  I’m not even sure anymore that he
isn’t
a god.  How can I argue against it after seeing what I’ve seen?”

“He may be powerful, Jacob, but so are we.  He may know what we’re capable of, but he hasn’t had to fight us before.  We can take him.  What choice do we even have?  If we do nothing, we’re doomed.  If we have to go through him, I say we go through him.  Whether we succeed and live or die trying, at least all this will be over.”

I heard the desperation in her voice, and I realized that she hadn’t yet scorned me for what she must have known I had been trying to do earlier when I’d searched for my gun.  She hadn’t said it in so many words, but reading her intentions when she made them clear enough had never been difficult.  She felt exactly as I did, except she would only settle for seeing it through together.

Which is when a plan worthy of the saturnine futility swirling through the both of us began to fortify in my delirious, weakened mind…

***

…But such morbidity could wait for now. 

There was always time for a little comfort and there was always time for a hug, and Artie was happy to oblige.  She rushed toward me so quickly I grew concerned she would knock me from my weakened feet, but she was gentle as she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me in tight.  I tried to reciprocate, but couldn’t find the strength to do much more than drape a single arm down her back and offer the weakest of squeezes in return.  She held me there, Helena helping to keep me upright as well, but she pulled away only seconds later and looked up at me.

“I’m so happy you’re all right, Jacob,” she said, her voice soft, her eyes watery.

I looked down but try as I might, I couldn’t keep the darkness out of my voice.  “I’m not all right.”

Turning to Helena, I caught her eye and nodded.  Her lips tightened supportively and she helped me hobble forward.  We’d had little more to say back in the room a few minutes ago, as both of us had accepted my idea almost immediately.

We stepped beside Merlin, and I nodded a quick greeting.  I wanted to hate him for what he’d put me through but found that I couldn’t.  He may have tricked me and lied to me, but the fact that he was here now proved he had some form of end game in mind.  He’d apologized for the course of action that had brought us to this point, and while I certainly would never forgive him, I was prepared to move on simply so that we could finish all this.

I turned to the crowd, old friends and new, people who supported me and people who distrusted me, those who wanted to help and those who would have abandoned me yesterday if they’d had the opportunity.  That was fine.  All they needed to do was stand by me one last time.

I didn’t bother looking at faces and reading expressions.  I just about knew where everyone stood.  But there was only one path available to us right now, one way to fix all this, and one opportunity to get all of us home – if that’s what any of them wanted anymore.  Merlin may have planned this from the very beginning, but at least he’d left me a way out in all this.

A means toward absolution.

A way to fix the universe.

“I know some of you might hate me,” I said quietly, my eyes firmly fixed to the floor, “and I don’t blame any of you if you do.  I hate myself.  I did some bad, evil things, and I won’t patronize you by trying to abdicate myself by blaming the orb.  I still did those things. 
I
did them.  And I have to live with them.  I don’t even know where to start.  I didn’t trust any of you, I didn’t listen to anyone, I alienated each of you, and I hurt many of you, physically, emotionally, or both.  I’m so sorry to each and every one of you for all of it.  But…”  I swallowed hard, preparing myself for what had to come next, “…but especially to you, Titus.”

Slowly, I lifted my head to look at the young man whose own eyes were drilling through my own.  Seeing that targeted anger nearly scared me off, but I wasn’t about to give up this one opportunity to do what was right.  “I know how much Vincent meant to you.  He meant so much to me as well.  When I replay the memory of what I did to him in my mind I… I can’t believe what I see.  It’s unreal, but I know it’s true.  I’m so sorry, Titus.  So, so sorry.  I don’t know how I’ll ever live with it…”

I trailed off with rapidly blinking eyes that couldn’t focus and a mind that was suddenly at a loss for words.  I didn’t want to deliver a speech, even if I could muster one with my broken mind, nor did I want pity or sympathy for things I could never forgive myself for.  All I wanted to do was apologize and beg for…

“But you do have to live with it, mate.”  I looked up, recognizing the voice and searching for Wang, finding him beside Santino, his arms crossed and his eyes angry.  He caught my attention and nodded, unfolding his left arm so that he could point at me.  “
You
didn’t kill Vincent, Jacob.  Your body did. 
You
didn’t order that fucking centurion to knock me out either.  Your stupid, easily-manipulated mind did.  It’s not your fault you’re a pathetic wanker.  I can’t speak for Titus, but I don’t know what the bloody hell you’re trying to apologize for.”

I blinked, not sure what to say, but then someone else spoke up.

“Me neither,” said another voice off to my right.  I looked, and found that it belonged to Archer, sulking in the corner, his arms also folded.  “You could have killed me when I confronted you, Hunter, but you didn’t, and I think I know why.  Even if it was you beating the shit out of me, as you’ve done before, I know it was
you
who restrained yourself.  It was
you
who kept the orb from killing me.”