Postcards From the Edge (13 page)

“The thing is, it’s all so interesting. Every part of the sex act is interesting. How they undress, how they look during it, their reaction to it, all of it. And I think I’m really sensitive. It would be hard for me to believe a woman could fake an orgasm with me. I’m that in tune with what’s happening with them, like a safecracker.

“I could write a travel brochure about women’s bodies. I like when a woman is backlit and you can see what’s under her clothes. I like it if she moves a certain way and something is revealed. I like something to suddenly appear that didn’t seem to be there. I like to be surprised in the area of flesh. I don’t necessarily like to be surprised in the area of brain, although I must say this girl did interest me that way. At one point she said something like that I should fuck bimbos and have the cigarette with her, which was a funny line. She says some very funny stuff.

“In another sense, though, she’s the same as all the others. When she said she wouldn’t have sex that first night, I asked her to stay over anyway, thinking that maybe in the morning if I acted a little distant … And sure enough, Bam! Girls just can’t handle that distance business. Even smart girls aren’t so smart about that. And she’s very possessive. I mean, this girl is a little nuts. She called me up one day and I had this very abrupt mes

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sage-‘What!?!’-on my machine, ‘cause I was in a bad mood that day, and she thought it said, ‘Slut!’ She thought I was calling her a slut. I mean, talk about projection.

“I don’t know, I think it’s the wrong time for me to get into a relationship, but maybe something will happen from this. I do like her. Of course, I like to think I’m in love. That’s what gets me through the whole process, so it doesn’t seem cheap. I can’t act like I’m in love unless I am in love, so I become in love each time.

“Sometimes I think I should marry one of them and just fuck around. There are times when I wish I had kids. I just don’t want a wife. I think I need the kind of relationship where if I want to see other women every now and again, the woman I was with would understand it was just a physical thing, and not about loving somebody else. I would certainly be discreet, like I was very discreet when I was with Jill, my last girlfriend. True, she did find out, but not for a long time. And she didn’t leave me because of it. She left me because I gave her crabs-remember? That was the final thing, that I gave her crabs …

“Maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe that isn’t the right way to have a relationship. It’s just that I get very claustrophobic and…

“Here’s what I think. I think my areas of expertise are areas of expertise because I do them to excess. I’m expert at my work because I do it to excess. And I think that if I’m finally able to have a relationship, it will be because I do it to excess. It’s almost as if I’m working at it, but it’s a pleasure doing that kind of business. The trouble is, this girl leveled a couple of accusations that really … I don’t think they hit home, but they hit near home. They certainly hit my neighborhood, and I don’t like that.

“I don’t know if I should see her anymore. I mean, we’re talking about someone who’s smart and funny and has great skin and great tits-you know how I love tits-and a great ass and a perfect pussy, but you never know. I mean, she’s great, but there could be a better one. Maybe somebody like me dies looking for

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the perfect one. I wish I could look and see it all in one girl. I wish I could stay with that one girl and not feel suffocated, not feel frightened of my need, or repelled by it, or whatever.

“It’s like there are so many different facets to each of them, and it’s always interesting, but it’s never interesting for long. This girl’s flaw is that she’s a woman, one woman. She’s only one woman, not all of them. And she’s gonna act like one woman. She’s gonna do all that stuff where she needs me, or she yells at me, or she wants me to be something I’m not. Not that I would respect a woman who accepted me like this. She said something funny, she said, ‘If I could make a man, I’d make him just like you and then I’d try to change him.’ I thought that was pretty self-aware.

“I just don’t like all that nosing around, you know? Where they count the days since you called, and they know exactly what you said you’d be doing, and they remind you of it when you say you did something else? I mean, I think I’m a sensitive guy, but I can’t watch everything I say all the time. I can’t just take care of them all the time. It’s too much responsibility, I’m not ready for that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.

“At this point, I’d rather make good films than a good home. I’m not saying this is an ideal outlook, I’m just saying it’s how I see things right now. I do think this new picture’s gonna be really good, which will be a drag in a way. Because then, you know, I won’t be able to tell whether women like me for myself or for Ziz! …”

“I was at Helena’s Friday night and I saw George there,” he said. “He was so cold to me I couldn’t believe it.”

“Who were you at Helena’s with?” she said.

“I don’t think … I’m just telling you about George,” he said. “I don’t think that that matters.”

“It’s not that it matters,” she said. “Look, we’ve known each other for three months. I know you don’t see me exclusively, we’ve gone over that. Who were you with?”

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“Well, you’ll probably hear about it anyway,” he said. “Charlene Hasselhof.”

“The girl from television?” she said. “The television actress?” “Yeah,” he said.

“Really?” she said. “I wouldn’t have thought you’d go out with somebody from television.”

“Actually, I normally wouldn’t,” he said. “I find it a very limited medium, as you know. But it turns out she’s very … She’s bright. She’s almost as … No, I would just have to say she’s as bright as you are.”

“She’s as bright as I am,” she said. “Uh-huh,” he said.

“Is she funny?” she said.

“Well,” he said, “she’s not as funny as you, but she is funny. Yeah, she’s funny. I mean, I was very surprised.”

“Why would you tell me this?” she said. “Why would you tell me this?”

“What do you mean?” he said. “You asked me. I thought you’d want to know that there was another smart girl out there.” “Why?” she said. “Why would you think I would want to know that? What is it about me that looks like I would want to know there are other smart pretty girls? Because I’ll fix it. I’ll change it. Is it something I’m wearing? Is my lip curled in a certain way that says, ‘Got to tell her there’s another bright woman around’? Why would you think I would want to know that a beautiful, gorgeous, supermarket-famous face from television is as bright and funny as I am?”

“I didn’t say she was as bright and funny,” he said. “She’s not as bright. She’s not bright like you. She’s bright in a totally different way.”

“How can she be bright in a different way?” she said. “What is her area of expertise? Is she bright about cooking? Literature? She knows languages?”

“Oh, Jesus,” he said. “I really-“

“It’s just so interesting to me,” she said, “that you thought I

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would want to hear that this beautiful girl is also brilliantly smart and you love her.”

“I don’t love her,” he said. “I don’t know why we’re having this conversation.”

“I’m jealous, okay?” she said. “I admit I am jealous. Look, we don’t have a commitment, but we certainly have an area of commitment, which is that we talk to each other. I mean, we don’t understand each other, but we don’t pretend to understand each other like other people do, and I feel betrayed here. I suppose you talk to her like you talk to me?”

“No, I don’t talk to her,” he said. “In fact-” “Well, what is she?” she said. “A great fuck?” “No,” he said. “In fact, we haven’t even fucked yet.”

“Oh, great,” she said. “Great. You respect this one too much to fuck her. You didn’t do that little distance thing in the morning? Or she’s too bright to fall for it?”

“Look, I-” he said.

“You like to have smart girls get stupid over you, don’t you?” she said. “Well, watch out. If they get too stupid, you might as well go back to just boffing bimbos.”

“Look,” he said, “I don’t think we should continue this discussion. I don’t like this side of you.”

“I’m not a box,” she said. “I don’t have sides. This is it. One side fits all. This is it.”

“How did we get on to this?” he said. “Do we need to have this fight? We have an understanding that we don’t have an understanding, and we enjoy it very much. Now I think we should just order some food and have a pleasant evening, if that’s possible.”

“All right, yeah,” she said. “I let myself in for it. I should never have asked you.”

“What do you want to eat?” he said.

“Something bad for me,” she said. “Caffeine and sugar and salt things. French fries, probably some Coke. You know, just stuff that jolts your system. You order.”

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“Okay,” he said. “Two cheeseburgers well done, a large order of fries, two Cokes, and whatever other carcinogens you have. Thanks.”

“Oh,” she said, “that guy Gary was going to set me up with called.”

“What guy?” he said.

“I told you,” she said. “Gary was gonna get me a blind date with this friend of his.”

“Really?” he said. “I don’t remember you telling me that. What does he do?”

“He’s a screenwriter,” she said. “Oh, a screenwriter,” he said. “Yeah,” she said, “he just did a script for Spielberg.” “Really?” he said. “So you talked to him and..

.”

“Well,” she said, “he has a huge vocabulary”

“It sounds like maybe it’s a little too huge,” he said. “I mean, normally you don’t notice people’s vocabularies, do you? It’s like with your teeth. You don’t want people to say, ‘Good caps.’ You want them to think you have a nice smile. A huge vocabulary.”

“No, no, not too huge,” she said. “But he did use two words I didn’t know.”

“Really?” he said. “What words?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I mean, I understood the sense of the sentence, but I didn’t know the words.”

“Really?” he said. “So he’s trying to impress you with the way he talks. So, when are you going out with him?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “He said he’d call me back. He was at his agent’s office and he had to go. I don’t know what he looks like or anything, but he was funny. I told him about the Oedipal thing, about my father leaving when I was very young so I knew how to pine for men, but not how to love them. So he said, ‘You probably would have been perfect for somebody in World War Two. You’d meet him and then he would get shipped overseas.’ And I said, ‘Maybe on our date I could drop

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you off and you could enlist,’ and he said he would just go out and rent a uniform. So he was very funny.”

“Really?” he said. “That’s funny? I guess that’s funny. You told him that, though? You told him the thing about the pining? Why would you tell him that?”

“Well, he was a very smart guy,” she said. “It was interesting. Gary says this is a great guy. He’s very young.”

“Really?” he said. “How old is he?”

“He’s younger than … he’s thirty-two,” she said. “Gary says he’s real goodlooking and he has a great car, like I give a shit about that, but you know … I wonder, you know, what could be the matter with him if he’s available. He’s thirty-two, he’s got all this money, and he’s smart … Why is he alone?”

“Yeah, exactly,” he said. “Why is he alone?”

“Well, I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe he … Why am I alone? Well, I’m not alone, I’m with you, but really I’m not with you, so, in effect, I’m alone.”

“So, you told this guy a voluminous amount of shit about yourself?” he said. “All this intimate stuff? I thought we reserved that area for this.”

“Honey, we don’t know what this relationship is,” she said. “What is your relationship with the actress?”

“Well, I don’t know what’s happening there, either,” he said. “You don’t know what’s happening there,” she said. “You don’t know what’s happening here. None of us knows where we stand, so we’re sitting all over the place. Maybe we could all double-date. You’ve got your cutie from TV with the IQ. She’s got TVQ and IQ, this is an extraordinary date for you. And who knows, maybe this guy has more IQ points than you. Oooooo.”

“Don’t make fun of me,” he said. “Don’t make fun of me about the IQ thing. I didn’t make fun of your reaction to my thing with Charlene. So, what’s this guy’s name, by the way? Have I ever heard of him? Spielberg. Spielberg has so many projects…”

“His name is Arthur,” she said. “Arthur Soames.”

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“Really?” he said. “Oh.”

“Have you heard of him?” she said.

“Yeah, I read a couple of treatments he did,” he said. “They were all right. I mean, he has some raw talent, I suppose. I don’t know.”

“Have you ever met him?” she said. “Is he goodlooking?” “I believe I did meet him,” he said. “I can’t remember that he was that remarkable-looking. I can’t … I don’t want to say, because I feel like I might be prejudiced in this area. I have certain odd feelings of jealousy in this area myself. Not that I … Well, I feel attached to you, let’s say. I feel an attachment to you. I’ve grown accustomed to whatever this is, and I like the ambiguity of it, and yet … Where’s the food? I’m really hungry. Aren’t you hungry? I’m famished. I could eat a-“

“Television star?” she said.

“That’s not funny,” he said. “I don’t think we should talk about this anymore.”

“Eddie Samuels said the other day that you sounded just like me in a meeting,” she said.

“Well, we spend a lot of time on the phone,” he said, “but I doubt I sound just like you. We sound like each other a little bit. We talk a lot. I mean, Eddie Samuels is a putz, okay? That’s why he’s a production secretary. He doesn’t know dick about shit.”

“Dick about shit,” she said. “That’s so beautiful. There’s that IQ rearing its ugly head. Hey, my shrink said this great thing this week-“

“Norma the Insight Queen?” he said.

“She said you were my fantasy playmate,” she said. “Really?” he said. “It sounds like a Playboy title or something. What else does your shrink say?”