Portnoy's Complaint (11 page)

And have I mentioned, vis-a-vis my mother, the running conversation we two had in those years before I was even old enough to go off by myself to a school? During those five years when we had each other alone all day long, I do believe we covered just about every subject known to man. Talking to Alex, she used to tell my father when he walked in exhausted at night, I can do a whole afternoon of ironing, and never even notice the time go by. And mind you, I am only
four
.

And as for the hollering, the cowering, the crying, even that had vividness and excitement to recommend it; moreover, that nothing was ever simply nothing but always SOMETHING, that the most ordinary kind of occurrence could explode without warning into A TERRIBLE CRISIS, this was to me
the way life is.
The novelist, what's his name, Markfield, has written in a story somewhere that until he was fourteen he believed aggravation to be a Jewish word. Well, this was what I thought about tumult and bedlam, two favorite nouns of my mother's. Also spatula. I was already the darling of the first
 
grade, and in every schoolroom
 
competition,
 
expected to win hands down, when I was asked by the teacher one day to identify a picture of what I knew perfectly well my mother referred to as a spatula. But for the life of me I could not think of the word in English.
 
Stammering and flushing, I sank defeated into my seat, not nearly so stunned as my teacher but badly shaken up just the same . . . and that's how far back my fate goes, how early in the game it was normal for me to be in a state resembling torment-in this particular instance over something as monumental as a kitchen utensil.

Oh, all that conflict over a spatula, Momma,

Imagine how I feel about you!

I am reminded at this joyous little juncture of when we lived in Jersey City, back when I was still very much my mother's papoose, still very much a sniffer of her body perfumes and a total slave to her
kugel
and
grieben
and
ruggelech
-there was a suicide in our building. A fifteen-year-old boy named Ronald Nimkin, who had been crowned by women in the building “José Iturbi the Second, hanged himself from the shower head in his bathroom. With those golden hands! the women wailed, referring of course to his piano playing- With that talent! Followed by, You couldn't look for a boy more in love with his mother than Ronald!

I swear to you, this is not bullshit or a screen memory, these are the very words these women use. The great dark operatic themes of human suffering and passion come rolling out of those mouths like the prices of Oxydol and Del Monte canned corn! My own mother, let me remind you, when I returned this past summer from my adventure in Europe, greets me over the phone with the following salutation: Well, how's my lover? Her lover she calls me, while her husband is listening on the other extension! And it never occurs to her, if I'm her lover, who is he, the
schmegeggy
she lives with? No, you don't have to go digging where these people are concerned-they wear the old unconscious on their
sleeves!

Mrs. Nimkin, weeping in our kitchen: Why? Why? Why did he do this to us? Hear? Not what might
we
have done to
him
, oh no, never that-why did he do this
to us?
To us! Who would have given our arms and legs to make him happy and a famous concert pianist into the bargain! Really, can they be this blind? Can people be so abysmally stupid and live? Do you
believe
it? Can they actually be equipped with all the machinery, a brain, a spinal cord, and the four apertures for the ears and eyes- equipment, Mrs. Nimkin, nearly as impressive as color TV-and still go through life without a single clue about the feelings and yearnings of anyone other than themselves? Mrs. Nimkin, you shit, I remember you, I was only six, but I remember you, and what killed your Ronald, the concert-pianist-to-be is obvious: YOUR FUCKING SELFISHNESS AND STUPIDITY! All the lessons we gave him, weeps Mrs. Nimkin . . . Oh look, look, why do I carry on like this? Maybe she means well, surely she must-at a time of grief, what can I expect of these simple people? It's only because in her misery she doesn't know what else to say that she says that God-awful thing about all the lessons they gave to somebody who
 
is
 
now
 
a corpse. What are they, after all, these Jewish women who raised us up as children? In Calabria you see their suffering counterparts sitting like stones in the churches, swallowing all that hideous Catholic bullshit; in Calcutta they beg in the streets, or if they are lucky, are off somewhere in a dusty field hitched up to a plow . . . Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue in Florida in pedalpushers and mink stoles-and with opinions on every subject under the sun. It isn't their fault they were given a gift like speech-look, if cows could talk, they would say things just as idiotic. Yes, yes, maybe that's the solution then: think of them as cows, who have been given the twin miracles of speech and mah-jongg. Why not be charitable in one's thinking, right. Doctor?

My favorite detail from the Ronald Nimkin suicide: even as he is swinging from the shower head, there is a note pinned to the dead young pianist's short-sleeved shirt -which is what I remember most about Ronald: this tall emaciated teen-age catatonic, swimming around all by himself in those oversized short-sleeved sport shirts, and with their lapels starched and ironed back so fiercely they looked to have been bulletproofed . . . And Ronald himself, every limb strung so tight to his backbone that if you touched him, he would probably have begun to hum . . . and the fingers, of course, those long white grotesqueries, seven knuckles at least before you got down to the nicely gnawed nail, those Bela Lugosi hands that my mother would tell me-and tell me-
and tell me
-because nothing is ever said once-nothing!-were the hands of a born pianist.

Pianist! Oh, that's one of the words they just love, almost as much as
doctor
. Doctor. And residency. And best of all,
his own office
.
He opened his own office in Livingston
. Do you remember Seymour Schmuck, Alex? she asks me, or Aaron Putz or Howard Shiong, or some yo-yo I am supposed to have known in grade school twenty-five years ago, and of whom I have no recollection whatsoever. Well, I met his mother on the street today, and she told me that Seymour is now the biggest brain surgeon in the entire Western Hemisphere. He owns six different split-level ranch-type houses made all of fieldstone in Livingston, and belongs to the boards of eleven synagogues, all brand-new and designed by Marc Kugel, and last year

with his wife and his two little daughters, who are so beautiful that they are already under contract to Metro, and so brilliant that they should be in college-he took them all to Europe for an eighty-million-dollar tour of seven thousand countries, some of them you never even heard of, that they made them just to honor Seymour, and on top of that, he's so important, Seymour, that in every single city in Europe that they visited he was asked by the mayor himself to stop and do an impossible operation on a brain in hospitals that they also built for him right on the spot, and-listen to this-where they pumped into the operating room during the operation the theme song from Exodus so everybody should know what religion he is-and that's how big your friend Seymour is today!
And how happy he makes his parents!

And you, the implication is, when are you going to get married already? In Newark and the surrounding suburbs this apparently is the question on everybody's Ups: WHEN IS ALEXANDER PORTNOY GOING TO STOP BEING SELFISH AND GIVE HIS PARENTS, WHO ARE SUCH WONDERFUL PEOPLE, GRANDCHILDREN? Well, says my father, the tears brimming up in his eyes, well, he asks,
every single time I see him
, is there a serious girl in the picture. Big Shot? Excuse me for asking. I'm only your father, but since I'm not going to be alive forever, and you in case you forgot carry the family name, I wonder if maybe you could let me in on the secret.

Yes, shame, shame, on Alex P., the only member of his graduating class who hasn't made grandparents of his Mommy and his Daddy. While everybody else has been marrying nice Jewish girls, and having children, and buying houses, and (my father's phrase)
putting down roots
, while all the other sons have been carrying forward the family name, what he has been doing is-chasing cunt. And shikse cunt, to boot! Chasing it, sniffing it, lapping it,
shtupping
it, but above all,
thinking about it.
Day and night, at work and on the street-thirty-three years old and still he is roaming the streets with his eyes popping. A wonder he hasn't been ground to mush by a taxicab, given how he makes his way across the major arteries of Manhattan during the lunch hour. Thirty-three, and still ogling and daydreaming about every girl who crosses her legs opposite him in the subway! Still cursing himself for speaking not a word to the succulent pair of tits that rode twenty-five floors alone with him in an elevator! Then cursing himself for the opposite as well! For he has been known to walk up to thoroughly respectable-looking girls

in the street, and despite the fact that since his appearance on Sunday morning TV his face is not entirely unknown to an enlightened segment of the public-despite the fact that he may be on his way to his current mistress' apartment for his dinner-he has been known on one or two occasions to mutter, Look, would you like to come home with me?
Of course
she is going to say No. Of course she is going to scream, Get out of here, you! or answer curtly, I have a nice home of my own, thank you, with a husband in it. What is he doing to himself, this fool! this idiot! this furtive
boy
! This sex maniac! He simply cannot-
will
not-control the fires in his putz, the fevers in his brain, the desire continually burning within for the new, the wild, the unthought-of and, if you can imagine such a thing, the
undreamt-of
. Where cunt is concerned he lives in a condition that has neither diminished nor in any significant way been refined from what it
was when he was fifteen years old and could not get up from his seat in the classroom without hiding a hard-on beneath his three-ring notebook. Every girl he sees turns out (hold your hats) to be carrying around between her legs- a real cunt. Amazing! Astonishing! Still can't get over the fantastic idea that when you are looking at a girl, you are looking at somebody who is guaranteed to have on her- a cunt! They all have cunts! Right under their dresses! Cunts- for fucking! And, Doctor, Your Honor, whatever your name is- it seems to make no difference how much the poor bastard actually gets, for he is dreaming about tomorrow's pussy even while pumping away at today's!

Do I exaggerate? Am I doing myself in only as a clever way of showing off? Or boasting perhaps? Do I really experience this restlessness, this horniness, as an affliction - or as an accomplishment? Both? Could be. Or is it only a means of evasion? Look, at least I don't find myself still in my early thirties locked into a marriage with some nice person whose body has ceased to be of any genuine interest to me- at least I don't have to get into bed every night with somebody who by and large I fuck out of obligation instead of lust. I mean, the nightmarish depression some people suffer at bedtime . . . On the other hand, even I must admit that there is maybe, from a certain perspective, something a little depressing about my situation, too. Of course you can't have everything, or so I understand - but the question I am willing to face is: have I anything? How much longer do I go on conducting these experiments with women? How much longer do I go on sticking this thing into the holes that come available to it- first this hole, then when I tire of this hole, that hole over there . . . and so on. When will it end? Only
why
should it end! To please a father and mother? To conform to the norm? Why on earth should I be so defensive about being what was honorably called some years ago, a bachelor? After all, that's all this is, you know- bachelorhood. So what's the crime? Sexual freedom? In this day and age? Why should
I
bend to the bourgeoisie? Do I ask them to bend to me? Maybe I've been touched by the tarbrush of Bohemia a little- is that so awful? Whom am I banning with my lusts? I don't blackjack the ladies, I don't twist arms to get them into bed with me. I am, if I may say so, an honest and compassionate man; let me tell you, as men go I am . . . But why must I explain myself!
Excuse
myself! Why must I justify with my Honesty and Compassion my desires! So I have desires-only they're endless. Endless! And that, that may not be such a blessing, taking for the moment a psychoanalytic point of view . . . But then all the unconscious can do anyway, so Freud tells us, is
want
.
And
want!
And
WANT! Oh, Freud, do I know! This one has a nice ass, but she talks too much. On the other hand, this one here doesn't talk at all, at least not so that she makes any sense- but, boy, can she suck! What cock know-how! While here is a honey of a girl, with the softest, pinkest, most touching nipples I have ever drawn between my lips, only she won't go down on me. Isn't that odd? And yet-go understand people-it is her pleasure while being boffed to have one or the other of my forefingers lodged snugly up her anus. What a mysterious business it is! The endless fascination of these apertures and openings! You see, I just can't stop! Or tie myself to any
one
. I have affairs that last as long as a year, a year and a half, months and months of love, both tender and voluptuous, but in the end-it is as inevitable as death-time marches on and lust peters out. In the end, I just cannot take that step into marriage. But why should I?
Why?
Is there a law saying Alex Portnoy has to be somebody's husband and father? Doctor, they can stand on the window ledge and threaten to splatter themselves on the pavement below, they can pile the Seconal to the ceiling - I may have to live for weeks and weeks on end in terror of these marriage-bent girls throwing themselves beneath the subway train, but I simply cannot, I simply
will
not, enter into a contract to sleep with just one woman for the rest of my days. Imagine it: suppose I were to go ahead and marry A, with her sweet tits and so on, what will happen when B appears, whose are even sweeter-or, at any rate, newer? Or C, who knows how to move her ass in some special way I have never experienced; or D, or E, or F. I'm trying to be honest with you, Doctor- because with sex the human imagination runs to Z, and then beyond! Tits and cunts and legs and lips and mouths and tongues and assholes! How can I give up what I have never even had, for a girl, who delicious and provocative as once she may have been, will inevitably grow as familiar to me as a loaf of bread? For love? What love? Is that what binds all these couples we know together- the ones who even bother to let themselves be bound? Isn't it something more like weakness? Isn't it rather convenience and apathy and guilt? Isn't it rather fear and exhaustion and inertia, gutlessness plain and simple, far far more than that love that the marriage counselors and the songwriters and the psychotherapists are forever dreaming about? Please, let us not bullshit one another about love and its duration. Which is why I ask: how can I marry someone I love knowing full well that five, six, seven years hence I am going to be out on the streets hunting down the fresh new pussy-all the while my devoted wife, who has made me such a lovely home, et cetera, bravely suffers her loneliness and rejection? How could I face her terrible tears? I couldn't. How could I face my adoring children? And then the divorce, right? The
child
support. The
alimony
. The
visitation
rights. Wonderful prospect, just wonderful. And as for anybody who kills herself because I prefer not to be blind to the future, well, she is her worry-she has to be! There is surely no need or justification for anybody to threaten suicide just because I am wise enough to see what frustrations and recriminations he ahead . . . Baby, please, don't howl like that please-somebody is going to think you're being strangled to death. Oh baby (I hear myself pleading,
 
last year, this year, every
 
year of my life!), you're going to be all right, really, truly you are; you're going to be just fine and dandy and much better off,
 
so
 
please,
 
you
 
bitch,
 
come
 
back
 
inside
 
this
 
room
and let me go!
You! You and your filthy cock! cries the most recently disappointed (and self-appointed) bride-to-be, my strange, lanky, and very batty friend, who used to earn as much in an hour posing for underwear ads as her
 
illiterate father would earn in a week in the coal mines of West Virginia: I thought you were supposed to be a superior person, you muff-diving, mother-fucking son of a bitch! This beautiful girl, who has got me all wrong, is called The Monkey, a nickname that derives from a little perversion she once engaged in shortly before meeting me and going on to grander things. Doctor, I had never had anybody like her in my life, she was the fulfillment of my most lascivious adolescent dreams- but marry her, can she be serious? You see, for all her preening and perfumes, she has a very low opinion of herself, and simultaneously- and here is the source of much of our trouble-a ridiculously high opinion of me. And simultaneously, a very low opinion of me! She is one confused Monkey, and, I'm afraid, not too very bright. An intellectual! she screams. An educated, spiritual person! You mean, miserable hard-on you, you care more about the niggers in Harlem that you don't even know, than you do about me, who's been sucking you off for a solid year! Confused, heartbroken, and also out of her mind. For all this comes to me from the balcony of our hotel room in Athens, as I stand in the doorway, suitcases in hand, begging her to
please
come back inside so that I can catch a plane out of that place. Then the angry little manager, all olive oil, mustache, and outraged respectability, is running up the stairway waving his arms in the air-and so, taking a deep breath, I say, Look, you want to jump, jump! and out I go- and the last words I hear have to do with the fact that it was only out of love for me ( Love! she screams) that she allowed herself to do the degrading things I forced quote unquote upon her.