PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans (70 page)

“Is that your building?” Breeze asked as I watched the flame blazing out the window above my apartment.

“What the fuck, oh, shit, that’s right above me; stop the car, STOP THE CAR.”

I jumped out and raced toward my building. Cops and fire fighters were outside and they stopped me from going in.

“I live there, that’s my apartment just below that window,” I said as I pointed to my bedroom window.

“You can’t go in there, the ceiling collapsed and your living room is now on fire. You might as well go to a hotel if you can; it’ll be days, if not weeks, before anyone will be able to go back in there.”

I stood there hopelessly watching everything I owned go up in flames. What was I going to do, where was I going to go? My whole life was in that apartment.

“What did they say? What happened?” Breeze asked once he parked his car and walked over to me.

“He just said that it’s going to be a while until I’ll be able to get in there. What am I going to do Breeze? All of my things are gone, everything. Things I came from Baltimore with, things I’ve had since I was in Puerto Rico, they’re all gone,” I said as I started to break down. I didn’t care about my clothes or expensive purses. I was thinking about the things that had been in my family since before I was born, things that reminded me of my mother, before her downfall. And things that I held on to because of my dad, things that he had given me or that reminded me of him. And now, they were all gone, burned to ashes from what I could tell.

“My offer is still on the table Jazzy. If you come with me, you will want for nothing, I will give you everything. Even if it’s just for now, move in with me. I’ll understand if you change your mind later, but for now, give it a chance.”

I stood there for ten minutes thinking. I had enough money to rent another place tomorrow if I wanted to. I also had friends who would take me in at a drop of a dime. But I wasn’t going to go over Jamar’s house. He had way too much going on. Plus that asshole was there. And DeeDee had Ebony staying with her, so I sure as hell wasn’t going there. Okay, so what if I did rent a place until I left, would Breeze be mad, would he take the show opportunity from me?

I looked at him and instantly remembered who I was dealing with, of course he would. He may have been offering me the world on a diamond platter, but I also knew that his diamond platter came with strings attached. It all could be taken from me if he didn’t get his way. FUCKKKKKKKKKK, I guess I had to do it. As I walked to his car, with him smiling from ear to ear, I knew that this would only be temporary. I would do the show, pack my shit, and leave without looking back.

Chapter 30
 

“You and Only You”

The next day was horrible, not only was I hung over but I had to go home where I was bound to see Tyree. I knew before I left Jasmine’s place I was going to act like nothing happened. I was pissed and wanted to hurt Tyree as much as he hurt me, but I didn’t know exactly how, seeing that he was heartless. I just had to play it by ear, and be careful seeing that we sleep in the same bed four days a week. All I could hear in my head was Dru Hill singing,
Somebody’s Sleeping in my Bed
and I came to realize I had no idea who that somebody was. I pulled in the drive way and saw his truck and instantly felt sick to my stomach. I parked the car, turned off the ignition, and just stayed in the car until the ninety degree weather made me sweat and feel sticky.

Now it was time to face the music. I got a little excited when I walked in the house and didn’t smell any weed burning That meant one of two things; he caught a cab somewhere, since it was still difficult for him to drive with his cast on or he stayed up all night playing video games and was sleeping the day away. I was as quiet as I could be when I peeked my head around the corner just enough to look in the living room. The first thing I noticed was that the television and PlayStation were still on. Then I darted my eyes to the couch, and there that lying bastard was, passed out with one leg hanging over the top of the couch, and his good arm hanging off while amazingly still holding on to the controller.

I started to turn everything off but quickly turned around once it occurred to me that I might wake him up by doing so. I did however manage to pick up the baggie of weed off the coffee table without even making a sound. My mouth had a nasty taste in it and even though I was going to smoke the rest of the day and all night, the first thing I needed to do was get my mouthwash and electric toothbrush ASAP. After my pearly whites were fresh and clean just the way I like them, I kicked off my Dior Homme leather high top sneakers, stripped out of my jeans, boxers, wife beater, and blue polo shirt and left everything on the floor. I turned the water on as hot as I could take it so the bathroom would get hot and steamy, because what I really wished I had at that moment was a sauna.

The weirdest thing happened, which I’ll never forget, I was so horny I masturbated thinking about the hot times Tyree and I had in the shower, but as soon as I relieved myself I felt ashamed and disgusted. I just stood there and cried. I cried so long that the water turned cold. After I dried off I looked in the mirror, and my eyes were still watery and blood shot, and I hadn’t even smoked yet. I couldn’t believe it was actually over, at least to me it was over.

What do you do when the future you planned for you and the love of your life is no longer an option? You move on, right? Well, that’s exactly what I had planned to do, as soon as I got my revenge. At first I started with small things like taking a lot of the weed and hiding it for myself every time we re-upped, just so he’d have to keep buying it. I also continuously asked him to pick me up some new shirts, jeans, and cologne when I knew he was at the mall. I even researched stores in Santa Barbara that sold brand name sunglasses and had him buy me a thirty five hundred dollar pair the next time he was out of town.

He started to catch on and said, “Hold up, J, you’re been asking for a lot here lately. I need, I mean, we need to start saving money because you never know what’s going to happen in the future. We can’t be porn stars forever. I didn’t bother to ask him why because every responsible person should save money when their expecting a child, so I lied and said I’d put the money in his account as soon as he got back to L.A. That was then, this is now, but I failed to mention the first time I saw him after finding out the truth.

I was in the kitchen getting my mind right and needed to get some things off my chest, but since I couldn’t tell Tyree how I felt yet, I just wrote it down.

You and Only You. From: Krave To: Konceited

Your face continues to haunt me in my dreams

You’re trapped in my memory bank so it seems

Everything I enjoy reminds me of you

I want to forget you but what can I do?

What happened to you, I thought you were my boo?

I dreamt of us while you looked for something new

I tried hard to make it work with you and me

As the days went on it became clear to see

You weren’t into me, as you appeared to be

You feed me nothing but lies being untrue

Silly you, thinking I don’t have a clue

I just need some time to think this through

I’m not sure what I want to do to you

After Ebony I hoped you would change and see

Basically how much you truly meant to me

Do you want to know what I find so strange?

How the things you know will suddenly change

And everything you know is rearranged

Like I never thought one could have me tamed

Next thing I knew you were the one I claimed

I was blinded by love while you were lame

Using me as a player in your game

All your games and lies made me go insane

I hope you know you’re the one to blame

For my broken heart though it beats the same

It’s sad to think there was nothing behind your kiss

You and only you has ever hurt me like this.

Just as I was finishing my blunt and poem Tyree walked in the kitchen yawning and rubbing his eyes as if he was still trying to wake up.

“What’s up sexy? What are you doing?”

“Nothing just writing.”

“Writing? Writing what?”

“A poem.”

“Oh, word. I didn’t even know you liked poetry. Is it about me?” he asked with such arrogance as if he already knew it was about him, and then stared at me with a huge ass grin on his face.

“You and only you,” I replied in a happy tone but it should’ve sounded sarcastic because in reality I wanted to cuss him out.

“I’m hungry. What are you fixing for dinner?”

“I’m not feeling that good so you might have to order us something.”

“Okay, I can do that, but what’s wrong with you?”

“I’m a little hung over. I hung out with Jasmine and DeeDee last night.”

“I bet you had fun. What did Jasmine have to talk about? Didn’t she just get back from Vegas?”

“I mean it was fun, but the night didn’t go exactly how I thought it would go.”

“Why not, what happened?”

“We just hung out, and got fucked up. I thought we were going to go out or something. Anyway Jasmine went to a few places with Lanell. It looks like those two are pretty serious now. He’s opening up a club in Vegas for her. Oh, yeah, she took a few pictures and videos with her cell phone and showed them to us. They were very interesting. I think you would’ve been shocked if you saw them.”

“Oh, for real?” he answered as he half listened to what I was saying because he was too busy looking in the refrigerator.

I didn’t bother responding since I realized I lost his interest, in more ways than one.

“So, J, you really aren’t cooking anything tonight? Come on man, I’m starving over here.”

“Nope, go ahead and order us something.”

“Come on baby, please. I’m in the mood for some steak, potatoes, and carrots for some reason.”

Was he fucking serious? He had some nerve.

“YOU TRIFLING ASS NO GOOD MOTHERFUCKA, HOW ABOUT YOU CALL THAT BITCH IN SANTA BARBARA AND HAVE HER FIX YOU SOME FUCKING STEAK BECAUSE I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOUR SORRY ASS AGAIN!” I screamed as I threw the notebook at his head, distracting him long enough so I could stab him in the neck with my pen. As blood squirted out, I grabbed his head and put in the freezer and slammed the door closed over and over and over again.