Thirteen
She met Ned the next week, but the third Tuesday he didn’t turn up and Jess went home miserable. He managed to find her the next day, outside Blake’s when she came off work.
‘Sorry about last night.’ He sounded very fed up. ‘It’s our Ruth – ’er’s been bad with a fever. Up and down all night. I couldn’t just leave Mary to cope all evening as well.’
‘What a good father.’ She’d felt horribly jealous and tense all day. But soon, out of relief at seeing him, she relented and smiled. She knew he was trying to do right by both of them. ‘It’s awright. Is she any better?’
‘Not much. Look, I’m going to ’ave to go – I just wanted to see yer in case you was thinking – well, you know.’
Before he went he kissed her quickly on the cheek, looking round anxiously in case anyone he knew was about.
‘Eh – who was that then? He’s a looker!’ Evie followed Jess’s gaze as she watched Ned disappear.
Still straining to see him along the crowded street, Jess said, ‘Evie – I need a favour off of yer.’
‘What’s that then?’
‘Look – come with me. I’ll treat yer to a cuppa and tell yer.’
They went to a coffee house nearby which reminded Jess of Mather’s, only it wasn’t nearly as well kept. The sawdust looked as if it hadn’t been swept up for days.
‘Bit of an ’ole this,’ she said, looking round.
When their tea arrived the glass felt grimy, a silt of sugar still stuck to the outside, but Jess was too preoccupied to complain.
‘I’ve got to come clean with yer, Evie. I’ve been using you as an excuse to get out of an evening.’
Evie leaned closer, all agog. ‘What – you seeing that good-looking fella?’
‘That’s it. I told my auntie I come over to see you and yer mom and brothers, Tuesd’y nights . . .’
Evie laughed. ‘Jess, I ain’t got no brothers! There’s just me and Edith and Sal.’
‘I know – any’ow, might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. But they’ve sort of got the idea I’m keen on this brother o’ yours. I’m just telling yer, ’cause I feel bad using yer like that and you not knowing.’
‘Well I s’pose that’s awright,’ Evie didn’t sound too sure.
‘I won’t get yer into any trouble.’
‘I’m glad you told me any’ow, Jess. What about this feller of yours then . . . ain’t they too keen on ’im?’
Jess didn’t feel she could tell Evie quite all the truth. After all, she had to protect Ned as well. She looked down at the greyish tea in her glass. ‘No. They ain’t. My auntie’s very strict – looks out for me like. But they’ve got ’im all wrong.’
Evie was full of curiosity. ‘D’yer love ’im then?’
‘Like mad. But I don’t see ’ow we can ever be together. Not properly.’
‘’Cause of yer family?’
Jess nodded solemnly, appalled at the way she could lie so easily.
Evie reached across and touched her hand. ‘If yer really love each other, you’ll find a way. They can’t stop yer forever, can they? You could go to Gretna Green. Ooh, it’s just like in a story!’
‘’Cept in stories you know there’ll be a happy ending,’ Jess said tragically.
‘Eh – cheer up. Tell yer what. As you’re telling them yer coming over to see us, why don’t you come for a visit. Our mom’d be ever so pleased to meet yer!’
‘Awright,’ Jess smiled. ‘I’d like to. Just not on a Tuesd’y night, that’s all!’
When Ned met her the next week he looked tired. They walked south, away from the Jewellery Quarter, through St Paul’s churchyard. It felt safer, more anonymous to head for the middle of town.
‘You awright?’ she asked anxiously. ‘You look all in. Been out on a blaze?’
‘No – I just ain’t getting much sleep. One minute Ruth’s up wanting feeding and then I’m – well, I don’t get to sleep easy. Listen, I’ve been thinking – whether there’s a way we could spend longer together. Away somewhere. It’s hopeless here – there’s no privacy anywhere.’
Jess’s eyes widened in hope. ‘What – yer mean . . .?’
‘I’ve been thinking how I could get a day out.’
‘A whole day! Oh, that’d be – Oh Ned!’ Her face fell. ‘But how? I mean we’re either at work, or there’s no reason we can give for going out. Oh, but I’d do anything to spend a bit more time with yer, yer know that!’
‘Could yer get away on Sunday?’
She didn’t hesitate. ‘Yes. I’ll just go and answer questions later.’
‘Mary’s mom’s often round ours of a Sunday. Can’t get away from the woman. But if I say there’s a reason I ’ave to be at the Fire Station, or summat like that . . . Giving it a special going over . . . I’ll sort summat out. Oh God, more lies, Jess . . .’
‘Where shall we go?’ Jess asked. She was all but jumping up and down in his arms. ‘Oh I can’t believe it – just you and me!’
‘Let’s go as far away as we can get. On a train – eh?’
‘Oh, I know!’ Her face lit with excitement. ‘I know exactly where we can go!’
It was a perfect, still, July dawn.
This can’t be wrong, doing this, Jess thought as she crept out of bed, cringing as the bed creaked. Otherwise God would’ve made it rain and be miserable.
She dressed silently in the prettiest of her two summer frocks, white with blue checks. Over the top she wore a cardigan the colour of mulberries, and her old summer shoes with a strap and a button. All the time she watched Polly and Sis, on tenterhooks, but both of them stayed fast asleep. Jess felt even the sound of her heart thumping might wake them, she was so highly charged. She’d barely slept all night. She could hear muted snores coming from Bert’s room.
She was too impatient and nervous to brew tea. Taking a slice of bread with a scraping of butter she let herself out, eating it as she hurried along the Moseley Road. It was too early, but she could not have kept still in the house any longer. A clanging sound came from the goods yard behind, but otherwise the road was quiet. The sky was clear, but hazy, and although it was still cool, it was obviously set to be a beautiful summer’s day.
She tried to slow her pace and look around her. The Bull Ring was shut up and almost deserted as she walked through, and she was soon in New Street station waiting for Ned.
The station was anything but deserted. Over to one side of the area near the ticket office, a group was gathering. Jess stood, half her attention on them, the other on watching the entrance with impatient excitement. A few more joined the group. They were all women, most smartly dressed in calf length skirts, jackets and elegant hats. She saw that one of them was holding a placard with the initials ‘WSPU’ on it. Another was handing out sashes which they were all shouldering on over their clothes. Jess squinted to read them. ‘. . . s for Women’ was all she could make out. She turned away as one of them glanced at her, and saw Ned coming. He kissed her briefly and took her arm, steering her to the ticket office.
‘Come on – let’s get right away from ’ere.’ Excited, she clutched his arm.
The train ride was bliss. Away from the danger of meeting anyone they knew, they settled down together, Jess by the window, Ned’s arm close round her. She laid her straw hat in her lap and leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder, smelling the smoky upholstery. They had the carriage to themselves. The train rumbled out through Adderley Park, then Stech-ford. Jess let out a great sigh of contentment.
‘The air feels clearer already.’ She twisted her head, smiling up at him.
‘Not in ’ere it don’t.’ He leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose. ‘My country wench.’
‘I miss it. I want to take you and show you.’
‘You going to call on yer dad?’
She was silent for a moment, fear and uncertainty mixed with her excitement. ‘I don’t know. In a way I want to. But ’e’s never writ me even so much as a word. I could be dead for all ’e knows. Or cares.’
‘Maybe yer should. Yer might run into someone else who’ll let on they’ve seen yer. And it might make yer feel better.’
‘Yes, and it might not,’ she retorted. ‘I’ll see ’ow I am when I get there. I just want to see the place – the fields and everything. That’s what I’ve missed. And how’m I going to explain you away, sunshine?’
‘I’ll hide behind a wall ’til yer done! Anyroad – they don’t know me, do they? We could be married.’
Jess twisted round in his arms. ‘We should be married, Ned. We’re married in our hearts, whatever else.’
Ned watched her face, the force of her feelings plain in it. Desire rose in him. What would she be like as a lover, this fierce, passionate girl? Mary was sweet and obliging. Didn’t refuse him. But her response was nothing more than dutiful, friendly. Obedient even. But Jess – he could feel the taut arousal in her even when they kissed. The instinctive way she moved against him. She made the same sounds of need, of frustration as he did. Yet she was scared. And he knew how wrong it was even to be thinking of making love to another woman. But he hardly seemed to be able to think of anything else these days. His need of her was total, consuming him.
She was intent on the view from the window, hungry for old, familiar sights. The city had faded away behind them.
‘Oh look, Ned!’ she cried. ‘Look at the fields, the colours of everything. It’s so beautiful. I want to get out – now!’
‘I think yer’d better wait ’til the train stops in a station!’ He laughed, ran his hand slowly down her back, feeling the warmth of her.
At last they stepped out on to the platform at Budderston. Jess immediately thought of her aunt, waving in this spot all those years ago, and told Ned.
‘She looked like a fish out of water in the country. And as for Polly!’
‘Well . . .’ Ned was looking round. ‘It’s a bit quiet, ain’t it?’
‘It’s Sunday – what d’yer expect!’
It was already well on in the morning and the sun was hot. Jess took off her cardigan and carried it over her arm. To her relief, no one was about. Only the station master’s black dog snoozed in the shade at the front of the station.
‘So – where’re we off to then?’ Ned asked, suddenly gruff. He was thrown a bit by the unfamiliar surroundings.
‘I thought,’ Jess turned, uncertain. ‘Maybe we should go up to the Forge and get it over – see my dad.’
He saw how vulnerable she was, coming back, not knowing if she’d be wanted.
‘It’ll be awright,’ he said, taking her arm.
‘We’ll go the back way. I don’t want people staring and gossiping.’
Arm in arm, they walked along the back lane, across the brook. Jess saw that the wood which made a bridge over it had been replaced. The pale, unfamiliar planks now laid there enforced her sense of separation. She’d known almost every grain in the old ones: they formed part of her memories.
‘This is my favourite place,’ she said, stopping, breathing in deeply. She could smell the long grass, the wheat ripening in the field behind, shifting in the breeze, flecked with red.
Ned put his arm round her shoulders. Gnawing at him constantly was the need to touch her. ‘It’s very nice. Lovely place to grow up. And you look right ’ere, Jess.’
‘I used to play out ’ere for hours on end – and help with the haymaking and that. Our ’ouse is just down there.’
She stopped at the back gate. They looked over, seeing the orchard trees, the path to the house, startlingly familiar when she felt so changed. There was no one about, but a loud snuffling came from their right.
‘That’ll be Sylvia – the pig!’ Jess found she was whispering. ‘Oh Ned – d’yer think I should just stay away? Would that be the best thing? I feel sick at the thought of going in.’ She laid her hand on her chest as if to slow her heart.
‘Yer might as well – now yer ’ere. Yer might not get the chance again in a long while.’
She took several deep breaths, then nodded. ‘Awright. With you.’
The first person she saw was little Liza, sitting on the cottage step shelling peas into a basin. The girl looked up. Without smiling, she stared for a moment, then called out,
‘Mom. Jess’s ’ere.’
In a second, Sarah appeared disbelievingly in the doorway. Jess saw she’d grown a little stouter. She stepped out, stared, seeming neither pleased nor hostile, only wary.
‘I’m sorry I cut the dress,’ Jess said, eventually. ‘I couldn’t marry Philip.’
Sarah swallowed. Nodded. She seemed unable to think of a word to say. Eventually she asked, ‘Who’s yer friend?’
‘This is my . . .’ she wanted to say ‘husband’. Wanted to show she could choose for herself. But it was such a big lie. Bigger than all the others and she couldn’t bring out the words. ‘This is Ned.’
Sarah nodded at him, then looked back at Jess. ‘Yer father’s in the forge if yer want to see ’im.’
‘Is Philip there?’
‘No. Not today.’
As they went closer she could hear William pumping up the fire with the huge bellows, the crackle and spit of the flames. They stepped in, just able to feel the heat on their faces, eyes adjusting to the smoky gloom. She didn’t say anything, just waited for him to see her.
When he did turn, he jumped, startled. He peered at her, eyes watering from the smoke.
‘Louisa?’ It was a whisper of hope, defying time.
