Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition (11 page)

“Why haven’t we
spoken in years?” he asked, dumbfounded

“I don’t really
know,” she replied, and continued:

“Whoever said
that love was easy, was lying. That isn’t clearer to see.”

Felix realised
she was reciting the words to his latest song and smiled.

“Sometimes I
feel like I am dying,” he said. “Oh baby set me free.”

“From the spell
you have me under,” Holly continued. “It makes me kind of wonder,
does the pleasure equal out the pain?”

“Feelings
raging out of control, should I sell the devil my soul?” Felix
followed on. “Slowly I am being driven insane.”

There was a
beat of silence.

Their eyes
locked.

“This is
killing me,” Holly said, breathlessly.

“Us. Being
Apart.”

A lone tear ran
down Felix’s cheek.

“Like an axe
through my heart,” he concluded.

And finally
they embraced, kissing passionately and tearing each other’s
clothes off as they did…

But evil, mad
cow and shape shifting bitch Rita Barker was not ready to be truly
reckoned with, just yet.

Pink
Champagne’s own comeback had somewhat faltered again.

And Rita knew
the only thing stopping Tequila Sun from complete and total utter
world domination was Felix and Holly getting back together
again.

The new single
was already number 1 in the midweek chart and pre-orders for the
album were going through the roof.

She was jealous
and simply had to stop them, once and for all.

So she shape
shifted into Rhino and stole his magic powers again.

She then turned
him into a poodle with a bad perm and pink rinse.

She thought
this rather appropriate.

And oh how she
laughed that evil laugh of hers.

Then as Felix
and Holly made sweet love, she snuck into the apartment to set a
further spell in motion that would change things forever.

She lit a black
candle and started to chant.

Soon Felix and
Holly were making love… on a one way rocket to the moon!

But before Rita
could leave the apartment, Cherry made an unexpected visit, so she
quickly shape shifted into a fly to hide.

“Felix? Holly?”
she yelled. “Are you guy’s home?”

Cherry looked
in the bedroom and saw nothing but ruffled sheets.

She noticed the
black candle on the table, which looked like it had just been put
out.

The fly was
buzzing around it.

“Ooh, kinky,”
she thought to herself.

She decided to
wait for them, much to Rita’s annoyance.

She picked up a
copy of Smash Hits magazine from the magazine rack next to the
sofa.

The date on it
read 15 May 1987.

Tequila Sun
were the cover stars.

“This is a
blast from the past,” she said, as she sat down to read it.

Then she heard
the fly buzzing around again.

It started to
annoy her.

So she rolled
up the copy of the magazine and swatted it.

Tequila Sun
were the original pop tarts, formed in 1984, and whose career
originally ran until 1988.

Band members
Just Felix, Holly Wood, Cherry Fontaine and Rhino Zagreb were
plucked from absolute obscurity and manufactured on pop’s Mr Sheen
polished production line.

Tri-sexual
superstar Felix (Just Felix to his closest friends) was chosen as
lead singer, because of his swagger and ability to fill out a pair
of skin tight stone washed denim jeans.

Holly Wood was
always destined to be a star. She was christened in waiting,
enrolled in singing lessons before she could talk and dancing
lessons before she could walk.

Cherry
Fontaine was born Chesney Foster and surpassed all expectations…
beyond and then some; courtesy of a zest for life, an unrivalled
eye for fashion and a lot of spunk (both literal and
metaphorical.)

Rhino Zagreb
was the irrelevant cardboard cut-out of the band. His replacement
Hawky Andrews gave up a high-flying career as a poodle hair stylist
to help take the band back to the top of the pop charts, where they
well and truly belong.

They had an
abundance of pop hits in the 80s, including the Christmas chart
topper ‘Snowman in Sunshine’ (“You make me feel like a snowman in
sunshine, Baby I’d melt every time I looked in your eyes, I was a
snowman in sunshine.”)

Following
their reunion they returned to the charts with hits ‘Supermarket
Checkout Operator’, ‘Hard Luck Kind of a Guy’ and the number 1
smash ‘This is Killing Me’.

Their biggest
adversary remains their own volatile personalities, as well as
their inability to keep their genitals in their underpants; and of
course their evil nemesis’… rival pop band Pink Champagne.

Name: Just
Felix

Birthdate:
16/09/1966

Birthplace:
London

Birth Sign:
Virgo

Height: 5’
11”

Weight: 12
stone

Hair: Blonde
streaks

Eyes: Blue

Education: We
don’t need no!

Home:
London

Hobbies:
Sexual Gold

Pet: I stroke
little Felix, often

Previous Jobs:
His own impersonator

Favourite
Food: Jalapenos

Favourite
Drink: Vodka

Favourite
Sport: 69ers

Childhood
Hero: Scooby Doo

Likes:
Orgies

Dislikes: The
90s

Name: Holly
Wood

Birthdate:
04/02/1968

Birthplace:
Cheshire

Birth Sign:
Aquarius

Height: 5’
7”

Weight: 9
stone

Hair:
Blonde

Eyes:
Green

Education:
Stage Schooled from the uterus!

Home: Kent

Hobbies:
Making plaster casts of dicks

Pet: Poodle
called Truffles

Previous Jobs:
Supermarket Checkout Operator

Favourite
Food: Cheesecake

Favourite
Drink: White Zinfandel

Favourite
Sport: Shape Up & Dance

Childhood
Hero: Kelly Garrett

Likes: Being
famous

Dislikes: Not
being the centre of attention

Name: Cherry
Fontaine

Birthdate:
22/12/1967

Birthplace:
Durham

Birth Sign:
Capricorn

Height: 5’
9”

Weight: 10
stone

Hair: Jet
Black

Eyes: Grey

Education:
Hard school of knocks

Home:
London

Hobbies:
Fashion and footballers

Pet: A
ladybird in a matchbox

Previous Jobs:
Cuntact Centre

Favourite
Food: Pop Tarts

Favourite
Drink: Champagne, not pink

Favourite
Sport: Starfish aerobics

Childhood
Hero: Wonder Woman

Likes:
Androgyny

Dislikes: Mars
and Venus

Name: Rhino
Zagreb aka Hawky Andrews

Birthdate:
21/05/1965

Birthplace:
Sheffield

Birth Sign:
Gemini

Height: 6’
2”

Weight: 13
stone

Hair:
Auburn

Eyes:
Hazel

Education:
Sheffield Hairdressing Academy

Home:
London

Hobbies: Dog
grooming

Pet:
Doppelganger in my sex dungeon

Previous Jobs:
Poodle Hairdresser

Favourite
Food: German Sausage

Favourite
Drink: Babysham

Favourite
Sport: Water sports

Childhood
Hero: Rita Barker

Likes:
Glitter

Dislikes:
Zombies

Out of
Nowhere
; released November 1984; highest chart position 18

Brainwashed
; released March 1985; highest chart position
12

Snowman in
Sunshine
; released December 1985; highest chart position 1

To Touch
Your Soul
; released May 1986; highest chart position 3

Josephine
; released September 1986; highest chart position
5

Freeze
Frame
; released June 1987; highest chart position 10

No-One Will
Ever Love You More
; released January 1988; highest chart
position 21

Supermarket
Checkout Operator
; released April 2015; highest chart position
11

Hard Luck
Kind of a Guy
; released July 2015; highest chart position 2

This Is
Killing Me
; released October 2015; highest chart position 1

Supermarket
Checkout Operator

When I first
saw her my heart skipped a beat,

I grew 9
inches, I lost my shredded wheat,

Her hair was
golden, her eyes emerald green,

To avoid her
beauty you would need a vaccine,

Chorus: Oh-oh
Supermarket Checkout Operator,

Please be my
sexual navigator,

Check me
through, I’ll be good for you,

Supermarket
Checkout Operator

Easy on the
eye but my wallet felt the strain,

Became a
shopaholic, threw my money down the drain, had to see her almost
every single day,

She was a
walking poster girl for foreplay,

• Repeat Chorus
  

I still go
there for my bi-daily fix, overstocking on baked beans and
Weetabix, but I know I’ll never forget just how I really feel, I
won’t risk the fantasy on a 2 for 1 deal…

• Repeat Chorus to
  fade…
  

Hard Luck Kind
of a Guy

I found a
four-leaf clover one day,

But before it
could bring any luck my way,

I broke a
mirror in seven places,

And blew all
my money on the races,

Chorus: I’m
just a Hard Luck Kind of a Guy,

Nothing ever
goes my way I tell you no lie,

I’m just a
Hard Luck Kind of a Guy,

Somebody tell
me why…

(Somebody tell
me why…)

I met this
bird by the bar one night,

With legs
eleven heaven she looked quite a sight,

I began to
tremble as soon as she spoke,

But the hot
chick I’d pulled turned out to be a bloke

• Repeat
  chorus
  

I should be so
lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky,

I should be so
lucky or not,

I should be so
lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky,

I should be so
lucky so what?

• Repeat chorus
  to fade…
  

This Is
Killing Me

Whoever said
that love was easy, was lying, that ain’t more clear to see,

Sometimes I
feel like I am dying, I am dying, oh baby set me free,

From the spell
you have me under, makes me kind of wonder, does the pleasure equal
out the pain,

Feelings raging
out of control, should I sell the devil my soul? Slowly I am being
driven insane

Chorus: This is
killing me (us being apart)

This is killing
me (like an axe through my heart)

This is killing
me (till death us do part)

The way I feel
about you

This is killing
me (bang, bang, I’m dead)

This is killing
me (you’re filling me with lead)

This is killing
me (you heard what I said)

The way you
make me feel

Why does love
get so possessive, there should be a limit, when it screws you up
inside, maybe you should, kill it…

• Repeat chorus
  to fade…
  

Listen to
‘Supermarket Checkout Operator’, ‘Hard Luck Kind of a Guy’
and
‘This Is Killing Me’
now, exclusively on the
Tequila
Sun Sound Cloud
page:

https://soundcloud.com/tequilasun-1

Oh and don’t
forget to follow the band on
Facebook
for live updates:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tequila-Sun/508054869333223

...as well as
on
Twitter:

https://twitter.com/tequilasun1988

From an early
age all Brian Lovestar wanted to do was write. On school break up
Friday when all the other kids took toys into school to play with,
he took a notepad and pen and wrote short stories.

Then he got a
real job, a social life, started travelling and put his passion on
hold for a while. But eventually his creative juices could no
longer be stifled.

The ‘Pop
Tarts’ series is the follow up to his debut novel ‘Dream Myself
Alive’.