Politically Correct Bedtime Stories (7 page)

The authorities scrambled after this strange request. They managed to find such a van at the Department of Public Biodiversity and handed over the keys to the man of enhanced strangeness. He climbed in and drove off, popping the cassette he had made into the sound system. Everyone followed the van as it headed towards the caravan site.

Soon music began to emerge from the slowly moving van—generally pop music but also occasional classics like ‘The Ballad of the Green Berets’ and ‘Ghost Riders in the Sky’. The town councillors were puzzled by this, until they noticed people emerging from their caravans, tool sheds, and taverns. The people had a certain glassy expression and talked to themselves as they stumbled along.

‘I’m going to find a job,’ said one. ‘I hear the funfair is taking people on.’

‘I think I’ll join the professional stock car racing circuit,’ said another.

‘Do you think I could make a living by signing up for medical experiments?’ asked a third.

The denizens of the caravan site followed the van as it drove slowly towards the edge of town. Soon both they and it disappeared over the horizon, and the town councillors raised a cheer.

About an hour later the van returned, minus its entourage. ‘I led them all to the main road,’ said the man of enhanced strangeness as he alighted from the van. ‘They’re out thumbing lifts to anywhere but Hamelin. Now the caravan site is free for you to use in whatever way you want.’

‘Marvellous!’ said one of the authorities, who was serving as a spokesperson. ‘Now that they’re gone, we can commence with our plans for a Third-World Refugee Reorientation Centre. Thank you, thank you.’

‘Now, if you will kindly pay me the 100 pieces of gold you promised, I’ll be on my way.’

‘Well, er … Hamelin is striving to establish an economy that is based on human capital and not the mere exploitation of physical resources. And so, to this end, we’d like to offer you this coupon book, which entitles you to such services in Hamelin as free massages and seminars on releasing your inner child.’

The man of enhanced strangeness squinted his eyes. ‘You promised me 100 pieces of gold,’ he said, growing visibly angry. ‘Now pay up or suffer the consequences.’

‘If you wish to abandon your responsibility for making the world a more equitable place,’ clucked the spokesperson, ‘so be it. We will have to give you the official Hamelin IOU, which can be redeemed for a significant portion of its face value at many of the post offices and off-licences in the surrounding towns.’

The man of enhanced strangeness paused, then chuckled eerily and climbed back in the van. Before anyone could stop him, he began to drive through all the residential areas of Hamelin. As he went, the van played a weird, high-pitched music that no one could recognize. Soon, the children of Hamelin emerged from their houses and streamed from their playgrounds. With glazed looks, they milled about in the streets. The town councillors could hear the children talking earnestly to each other.

‘Free markets are the only sure way to give people the personal incentive to build a better society,’ said one child.

‘We must respect the rights of citizens to preserve the ethnic purity of their neighbourhoods,’ said another.

‘Our only obligation as a society is to make sure everyone has a level playing field,’ said a third.

As their children began to form tax protest groups and shooting clubs, the town councillors sadly realized that all their years of careful social planning would soon come to nothing. The next day, they found the public-address van on the outskirts of town, but there was no sign of the mysterious man whom they had tried to swindle.

This edition first published in Great Britain in 1994 by Souvenir Press, 43 Great Russell Street, London WC1B 3PD

This ebook edition first published in 2011

All rights reserved © 1994 by James Finn Garner

Published by arrangement with Macmillan Publishing Co., a member of Paramount Publishing.

The right of James Finn Garner to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly

ISBN 9780285640177