Pole Position (6 page)

After my excesses the night before, I planned a quiet evening at home. Danny had confused me, and I needed to talk to him. I had no idea how things were between us.

First, we’d fucked each other’s brains out with some of the most glorious, intense sex I’d ever had. Then he’d walked off without a backward glance, but later, he’d been such a comfort. I was stupidly, ridiculously drunk. Part of me had wanted to show him I could play games too—the rest of me was just plain upset. He’d cuddled me, put me to bed, kissed me tenderly, and left me alone. I hadn’t seen him since.

When I saw Anita arriving home, I perked up. She might tell me what kind of mood he was in at the stables, as if that could be any kind of indicator.

I went to put the kettle on, failing to notice she wasn’t alone.

“Wanna brew?” I called out, but then I stood speechless, clutching the jar of instant coffee as she walked into the kitchen, hand-in-hand with Jon Craigowan. I had to admit, they made a handsome couple, even with her still in her stinky riding clothes. She giggled at something he said, and he looked at her in a way that made me envious. I’d never had anyone look at me like that.

“Hey.” Anita sounded unsure of herself. “I’ve just come home to get changed, and then we’re going back out.”

She smiled at Jon, and I would have sworn she was glowing. She was smitten with him. It didn’t take a genius to see that.

“Well then, would you like some coffee?” I turned to Jon, remembering my manners. “I was completely off my head last night. Sorry.”

He sat down tentatively, his eyes following Anita as she moved round the kitchen, taking a pile of clothes from the tumble dryer, and drinking a mug of tap water.

“I’ll only be ten minutes.” She kissed him briefly on the lips, and the stiff set of his shoulders relaxed.

He didn’t know what to expect from me, I realized with some amusement. This could be fun.

Anita disappeared, and I advanced toward Jon. “So, would that be a yes to the coffee or would you prefer a beer?”

“Coffee would be good, thanks. Black, no sugar.”

I made the drinks and sat opposite him. There was fun still to be had, but I took pity on the poor sap. “I had a row with my, uh, boyfriend last night. That’s why I got hammered. I don’t usually.”

I received a brief smile.

“It’s not a problem. Don’t worry about it.”

Jon had excellent manners. He politely drank his coffee, declined anything to eat, and waited patiently for Anita. Her shower didn’t take long. She bounced into the kitchen within ten minutes, wet hair pulled back into a ponytail. She’d dug out some clean jeans and a white T-shirt, and even without makeup, she looked stunning.

Jon’s eyes lit up when he saw her. The way he behaved with her was completely at odds with Danny’s character assassination of him. This man was besotted.

That reminded me. “Anita, did you see Danny at the stables?” My tone was light, idly curious. I noted her wariness.

“Yeah, he’s still there. A word of warning though, he’s been in a foul mood all day, and was arguing with Clare when we left.”

Jon looked from Anita to me, clearly puzzled by something.

“Come on.” She tugged his hand. “Are we going?”

I said my goodbyes, happy to have the place to myself again. So if Danny was in a foul mood, was that good news for me? Or bad? Who knew? Maybe I could be the one thing guaranteed to cheer him up.

On the premise that he could be home soon, I decided to go and bathe, and slip into some of my sexy undies. No harm in being prepared.

Uncertainty tightened inside my chest. As we drove back to my place, or what qualified for my place at the moment, I put on some music and waited until Anita looked relaxed.

I kept my tone light, unworried, and tried to be blasé. “Maybe I don’t really want to know the answer to this, but who is Danny? Are you already in a relationship with him?” I momentarily held my breath as I looked across at her, then back to the road.

“A relationship? God, no. He’s Clare’s brother, and my landlord. They’re my best friends. I’ve known him all my life, and he’s like a brother to me, but
nothing
more than that.”

I glanced at her again. She smiled at me, a little pink in the cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I had to ask. I wouldn’t like to step on another man’s toes. I’ve had it done to me, and it stinks.”

She held out a hand to me, and I grasped it gratefully. “Yes,” she said simply. “It stinks, and I wouldn’t do that.”

After all the pain and anger Susie had caused, I found it difficult to believe I could meet someone as honest as Anita. I thought my cynicism ran far too deep to contemplate trusting another woman. Since we were sharing intimacies, I figured this was the right time to mention Susie.

I squeezed Anita’s fingers. “Don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m in the middle of getting divorced.” I stared straight ahead.

“Yes, I know.” She paused and then spoke thoughtfully. “That must be hard on you. I mean, divorce isn’t something anyone would do lightly, is it?”

A wave of relief washed over me. Anita wasn’t judging me or leaping to assumptions. “It’s not something I planned. It’s not been the best year of my life, but the last week has been pretty good.” I smiled briefly at her, and her face lit up. “I’m looking forward to some time alone with you.”

She went quiet after that. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something had changed. She suddenly seemed wary and nervous of me, perhaps because I’d told her about Susie? Surely not, she said she already knew.

I tried valiantly to coax her back to the light-hearted mood she’d been in earlier, but I could tell she was only partly there. She’d retreated somewhere inside herself. What had I said? Something had hit a nerve, but what?

It didn’t take long to get home in the early evening traffic, and I gazed up at my parents’ house and wondered how Anita saw it. Honeysuckle and roses climbed over the front in a haphazard fashion, and it looked welcoming in the soft evening light.

They’d been lucky and bought this during a slump in the market. It was far larger than two people needed, but Dad liked to entertain, and there was room for Mrs. Pearce to have her own rooms.

Flowers grew freely on the edges of the graveled parking area, and Anita stopped to look at them. She fidgeted, and scuffed her toes on the ground, as though uncertain about something. What had I said?

I reached for her hand. “You okay?”

“Yes, fine. Hungry I think.” Her hand lay slack in mine, and she wouldn’t meet my eyes.

I sought to put her at ease. “That’s easily sorted.” I led her into the kitchen where Mrs. P was drinking tea. “Mrs. Pearce, I’d like to introduce Anita. I promised her dinner tonight, what do you have, please?”

I squeezed Anita’s fingers. “Mrs. P looks after the house, and is possibly the best cook in the county.”

“You and your silver tongue.” Mrs. P looked pleased though, and urged us to sit down. “I’ve just about finished for today. There’s quiche and salad in the fridge, some cherry pie too.” She turned to Anita, her face friendly and open. “Very nice to meet you. I’ll be in my rooms if you need anything.”

I rummaged in the fridge, and pulled out plates and bowls. “Here we go. Egg and bacon quiche. Green salad, new potato salad and plenty of tomatoes.” I loaded the dishes onto the table. “You’ll have to try some of her homemade bread, it’s divine.”

Despite claiming to be hungry, Anita only picked at the food. Her smile looked as though it’d been painted onto her face and might crack at any moment. When I asked if anything was the matter, she said everything was fine. I was at a loss.

“Let’s take the coffee into the lounge.” I found a tray and loaded it with the pot, cups, and a small jug of milk for her. “Follow me, it’s just through here.”

I waited to see where she’d sit, hoping she’d choose one of the large, plush sofas, but she sank into an armchair instead.

That’s when I had a great idea. I knew what to do to make her smile. Guaranteed.

What had Danny said? About being just another notch on Jon’s headboard? How he would pounce, then spit me out and move on. I couldn’t believe that—–
wouldn’t
believe it. I’d begun to think Danny had made it all up. But here we were, a week into this relationship, and he wanted time alone with me. And if he pounced, would I be able to resist?

But what I knew, and Jon didn’t, was that if we did get to that point of intimacy, it would soon be over. He’d drop me like a hot potato. So in order to keep him interested, I had to stay out of his bed. But in doing that, he would lose interest in me anyway and move on to an easier conquest.
Jesus
, it was all so complicated.

Perhaps I should just back off now, before I embarrassed myself. To say I felt inadequate would be the understatement of the year. I gazed unhappily out of the window at the twilight sky, while Jon kept up a stream of light chatter, seemingly oblivious to my discomfort.

He poured himself some coffee and sprawled on the carpet, leaning back against my chair. Close enough to be touching me, but not threatening. I sighed inwardly. Why did I make this so hard for myself?

We sipped our drinks in silence. Inside, I twisted in misery as our lovely evening fell apart. I had to sort this out. I couldn’t let him think, well, whatever he
was
thinking.

It was almost dark outside when Jon stretched, stood up, and turned to me with a grin. He held out a hand and hauled me out of the chair. “Come with me, I’ve got a surprise for you.”

It was strange how much happier I felt when our hands were entwined. He led me along a corridor and up a flight of stairs—surely he wasn’t taking me to his bedroom? I slowed, and tried to take stock of my surroundings. He tugged me on, turning to quirk his eyebrows, and put a finger against his lips. Was Mrs. Pearce’s room along here? My heart beat faster, and still he tugged me along.

Opening a door, he pulled me into a darkened room, closing the door quietly behind us. “Shh,” he whispered, and moved toward the window, with me following.

I blinked. It was dark in here, with no light apart from the moon rising through the open curtains. My eyes widened as they adjusted to the low light. It was a bedroom sure enough, with a big double bed.

Jon turned to face me. He looked excited, and my knees sagged. I tugged my hand free, and backed off. He reached out to me, and I panicked.

“No,” I squeaked, my voice deserting me. “I’m sorry, but no. Not like this.”

Jon hesitated and I babbled on. “It’s too soon, I’m not ready. I want to go now. Please can you call me a taxi? I really am sorry—I didn’t want to mess you about.”

“Hey.” His hands closed around my arms, holding me still.

I struggled against him, trying to wriggle free. “No!” My voice was sharp. Right now, I
wanted
Mrs. Pearce to hear me.

“
Anita
.” His voice sounded shocked, and he stared at me. “What the hell’s the matter?”

“I can’t do this, I’m not ready.” I stared at the floor and refused to make eye contact. “Please don’t make me.” I was shaking, hot tears filling my eyes. This was the end of everything. Danny had been right—I’d been a stupid fool. I wanted to go home.

“Make you do what?”

Jon’s voice was soft, and I risked a look at him. He gently placed one finger under my chin and lifted my head. A fat, salty tear escaped and trickled down my cheek and he stared, disbelief written across his face.

“Sweetheart, please tell me what’s wrong. What have I done? I brought you up here to see the fox cubs. I thought you’d like them. What did I do to make you so upset?”

Fox cubs
? I took a breath and tried to stem the tears before any more fell.

“Come here.”

He pulled me into his arms and cradled my head against his shoulder, rocking me gently. My breathing steadied and I listened to his heart beating, strong and steady. I had read this all wrong. And in doing so, had made a complete idiot of myself. Well, one way or another it looked as though he’d finish with me tonight. I had to try to explain.

“I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath, and launched into it. “When I saw the bed I thought, well I thought you wanted to sleep with me. And I can’t do that, not just like that. I really am sorry, I didn’t want to lead you on.”

“I knew something was wrong, I was hoping you might tell me.” His voice was quiet. “You were so withdrawn, but I thought you might like to see the fox cubs that have been coming into the garden. They play in the veg patch, and this is the best place to see them.” He stiffened, and stepped out of our embrace, to stand alone in front of the window.

“But you thought something else, didn’t you? You’ve been avoiding me physically all evening, trying to keep a distance between us. Did you really think I was going to force you? You said, ‘please don’t make me’.”

I looked down—I couldn’t meet his eyes. That was answer enough for him.

“Christ almighty.” He sounded disgusted. “Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?” He spun round to stare out the window.

I stood there, my knees trembling, and my stomach churning. On the one hand, I longed to run away and never come back, while on the other, I wanted desperately to be held by him. Even if I ran away, I still had to apologize, for this was entirely my fault. He’d done nothing wrong.

I took a tentative step toward Jon and placed a hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged me off. I waited, close to more tears, and eventually he turned to face me. He sighed and spoke slowly.

“Anita, please look at me, I want to ask you something.”

I cringed. I knew what he was going to ask. It had to be said though. I squared my shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

He gave me a half smile, he looked nervous. “I’m guessing you’ve had a bad experience?”

I gave a nod and took a breath before I spoke. My voice still came out wobbly. “I’m not a virgin, I’ve had one lover. Just the one.”

“And this lover, things didn’t go too well? With him I mean?”

I shook my head; my voice had deserted me again.

He closed his eyes a moment, and then looked at me with such compassion. “Do you want to tell me what happened? Or do I need to guess?”