Playschool (7 page)

The Toad lay face-down on a bed in sick bay while Matron rubbed her legendary linseed oil and beeswax into his burnt back. Although Matron looked remarkably like a small concrete shed, she had a heart of gold and the children at Quicklime's adored her. She had two assistants, Nurse Romeo and Nurse Juliet, who were two large black crows that could sew skin together with stitches so delicate they were impossible for the human eye to see. Because of the physical, hands-on nature of a lot of the classes and some of the unusual sports at Quicklime's, this was something they did every day. They were also expert at taking people's temperatures with the thermometer in places that could make your eyes water.

‘How did this happen, dear?' Matron asked. She had a soft spot for The Toad, having patched him up so often.

‘I'd rather not say, Matron,' said The Toad. As the wonderful Enchanted Wax soaked into his skin, the pain slowly faded until the poor toad felt himself floating away in a cloud of turpentine.

‘Were you playing with matches again?'

‘No, Matron.'

‘You weren't up to your old firework-making tricks again, were you?'

‘No, Matron. I have toad's feet, remember?'
said The Toad, adding wistfully, ‘I can't even light matches any more.'

‘Someone did this to you, didn't they?' asked Matron gently.

The Toad didn't answer.

‘It was that vile Orkward Warlock, wasn't it?' said Matron. ‘It's all right, you don't have to say. It's obvious. You just lie there and rest while I go and get the nasty little devil.'

As soon as Matron had left, The Toad climbed down off the bed, grabbed the tin of wax and made for the door.

‘Where do you think you're going, sunshine?' said Nurse Romeo.

‘I'm better now,' said The Toad. ‘I should get back to class.'

‘And what do you think you're doing with Matron's Enchanted Wax?' said Nurse Juliet.

‘Umm, oh, I must have picked it up by mistake,' said The Toad, reaching for the door handle behind his back.

‘Put it down.'

‘I'll just, erm, er, take it to Matron,' said The Toad. ‘She might need it.' And he ran out the door.

As the two nurses flew after him, he managed to hide behind a statue and give them the slip. When he was sure there was no one about he made his way to the secret place up in the thirteenth clock tower,
¹⁹
where Orkward was waiting for him.

‘Brilliant,' said Orkward. ‘You're almost useful. Now get lost.'

‘Can I come with you?' said The Toad. ‘I could carry the polish.'

‘I suppose,' Orkward agreed. If they got caught at least he could blame it all on The Toad.

It took a while to slip out of the school without being seen, but finally they reached the path in the dark forest where Orkward had spoken to Narled the day before.

‘Right, we sit here and wait,' said Orkward.

‘Do you really think he'll come?'

‘Yes,' Orkward replied with great confidence. He didn't actually think Narled
was
going to come, but sure enough a few minutes later there was a rustling in the bushes and there he was.

He was not alone.

There was another suitcase creature with him, slightly smaller than Narled, and around their feet were six little handbags.

Orkward and The Toad were speechless.

Narled was not, as everyone assumed, the result of an experiment gone wrong, but a real animal.
Sacculus Pluscruris Patagonius
was a very rare
species of creature that only survived in the safety of Quicklime's remote valley. Once, similar species had lived on every major continent but they had been hunted to extinction everywhere except for this one place. Their skins had been made into suitcases and holdalls, and even their babies had been made into little bags and purses. Nowadays suitcases are usually made of nylon and plastic, but in the past, the more endangered the animal, the more desirable was the luggage.

‘I've … I've, er, got the polish,' Orkward mumbled as the tiny handbags ran between his legs.

The Toad sat down and reached out to stroke them. One of them climbed onto his lap and nuzzled into him. It smelled of warm leather and brought a lump into The Toad's throat that stirred up a feeling he'd spent the last few years trying to forget. When he had blown up the toilets and been turned into a toad as a punishment, his parents had been unable to accept it. His father had rejected him instantly and his mother, although she had tried really hard to keep loving him, had found it impossible to pick him up and cuddle him ever again. Since then, he had spent every school holiday in a pond at the bottom of his
parents' garden with a lot of toads who were real toads and really, really stupid.

Now this little handbag's affection brought it all back and The Toad felt tears welling up in his eyes. He tried to hide them. He knew how Orkward would sneer at him and, as horrible as Orkward was, he was the closest thing The Toad had to a friend. But two more of the tiny handbags climbed into his lap and The Toad couldn't stop himself.

He wept uncontrollably.

The first handbag opened itself, took out a tissue and handed it to The Toad. This kindness only made
him cry more. Narled's wife came over and patted him on the arm. She undid her zip, took out pen and paper and wrote: ‘We feel your pain. We are here for you.'

What had made the near extinction of their species even sadder was that
Sacculus Pluscruris Patagonius
had finely tuned emotions, much finer than ours, that could not only pick up other creatures' feelings, but get inside their heads and discover the reasons for those feelings and then respond in a deep and meaningful way.

Meanwhile, Orkward was so obsessed with his plan that he noticed none of this. He was too busy polishing Narled and pretending to be his friend. Of course, being super-sensitive, Narled didn't believe a word of what Orkward was saying, but hey, he was getting the best polishing he'd had in a hundred years.

The delirious smell of turpentine seeped through the little gaps in his zip and into his brain, where it brought back long-buried memories of centuries past when every suitcase family had had a faithful servant who had polished them every day. Even in those days Matron's Enchanted Wax had been legendary, the finest polish of all, which only the most noble suitcases were allowed to use. Thoughts of the past and its former glories filled his heart with sadness. How had it come to this, a life of picking up after those who had once been their servants?

‘Right,' said Orkward. ‘It's agreed. I will bring you a small package and you will take it to the Floods when they are in the middle of the stadium next week on sports day.'

Narled wrinkled up, and Orkward took this to mean that Narled would do what he wanted, but Narled was just wrinkling his skin to make sure the polish got right down into his creases.

‘And to show how much I really, really like you,' said Orkward, who had just thought of another plan, ‘I'll come back tomorrow and polish you again.'

Mrs Narled, or Narlene as she was known to the rest of the cloakroom,
²⁰
handed The Toad another piece of paper: ‘Don't be a stranger.'

And the family trundled off into the dark forest.

‘I expect you're wondering why I said I'd come and polish that suitcase again,' said Orkward, completely unaware of The Toad's unhappiness. ‘Well, I have an absolutely brilliant plan.'

The Toad said nothing. All he could think of was going back and being with the baby handbags.

‘Listen,' Orkward raved on. ‘I'm a genius – more of a genius than that idiot Winchflat Flood! Next time I polish Narled, I'm going to fix a tracking device to his straps, then the idiot will lead us straight to his treasure.'

‘Oh,' said The Toad as they walked back to the road. ‘Wait,' said Orkward. He took a jar out of his pocket, scooped a big lump of polish out of Matron's tin and put it in the jar.

‘You better take the Enchanted Wax back,' he said. ‘I'm going to hide this here in the bushes for next time.'

‘I think I'll just creep up and leave it outside Matron's door,' said The Toad. ‘She's a bit formidable when she's angry.'