Plays Unpleasant (6 page)

COKANE
[
rising
] Trench: either you travel as a gentleman, or you travel alone. This is what makes Englishmen unpopular on the Continent. It may not matter before the natives; but the people who came on board the steamer at Bonn are English. I have been uneasy all the afternoon about what they must think of us. Look at our appearance.

TRENCH
. Whats wrong with our appearance?

COKANE
. Négligé, my dear fellow, négligé. On the steamboat a little négligé was quite en règle; but here, in this hotel, some of them are sure to dress for dinner; and you have nothing but that Norfolk jacket. How are they to know that you are well connected if you do not shew it by your costume?

TRENCH
. Pooh! the steamboat people were the scum of the earth: Americans and all sorts. They may go hang themselves, Billy. I shall not bother about them. [
He strikes a match, and proceeds to light his pipe
].

COKANE
. Do drop calling me Billy in public, Trench. My name is Cokane. I am sure they were persons of consequence: you were struck with the distinguished appearance of the father yourself.

TRENCH
[
sobered at once
] What! those people? [
He blows out the match and puts up his pipe
].

COKANE
[
following up his advantage triumphantly
] Here, Harry, here: at this hotel. I recognised the father's umbrella in the hall.

TRENCH
[
with a touch of genuine shame
] I suppose I ought to have brought a change. But a lot of luggage is such a nuisance; and [
rising abruptly
] at all events we can go and have a wash. [
He turns to go into the hotel, but stops in consternation, seeing some people coming up to the riverside gate
]. Oh, I say! Here they are.

A lady and gentleman, followed by a porter with some light parcels, not luggage, but shop purchases, come into the garden. They are apparently father and daughter. The gentleman is
50,
tall, well preserved, and of upright carriage. His incisive, domineering utterance and imposing style, with his strong aquiline nose and resolute clean-shaven mouth, give him an air of importance. He wears a light grey frock-coat with silk linings, a white hat, and a field-glass slung in a new leather case. A self-made man, formidable to servants, not easily accessible to anyone. His daughter is a well-dressed, well-fed, good-looking, strongminded young woman, presentably ladylike, but still her father's daughter. Nevertheless fresh and attractive, and none the worse for being vital and energetic rather than delicate and refined
.

COKANE
[
quickly taking the arm of Trench, who is staring as if transfixed
] Recollect yourself, Harry: presence of mind, presence of mind! [
He strolls with him towards the hotel. The waiter comes out with the beer
]. Kellner: ceci-là est notre table. Est-ce que vous comprenez Français?

WAITER
. Yes, zare. Oll right, zare.

THE GENTLEMAN
[
to his porter
] Place those things on that table. [
The porter does not understand
].

WAITER
[
interposing
] Zese zhentellmenn are using zis table, zare. Vould you mind –

THE GENTLEMAN
[
severely
] You should have told me so before. [
To Cokane, with fierce condescension
] I regret the mistake, sir.

COKANE
. Dont mention it, my dear sir: dont mention it. Retain the place, I beg.

THE GENTLEMAN
[
coldly turning his back on him
] Thank you. [
To the porter
] Place them on that table. [
The porter makes no movement until the gentleman points to the parcels and peremptorily raps on another table, nearer the gate
].

PORTER
. Ja wohl, gnäd'g' Herr. [
He puts down the parcels
].

THE GENTLEMAN
[
taking out a handful of money
] Waiter.

WAITER
[
awestruck
] Yes, zare.

THE GENTLEMAN
. Tea. For two. Out here.

WAITER
. Yes, zare. [
He goes into the hotel
].

The gentleman selects a small coin from his handful of money, and gives it to the porter, who receives it with a submissive touch to his cap, and goes out, not daring to speak. His daughter sits down and opens a parcel of photographs. The gentleman takes out a Baedeker; places a chair for himself; and then, before sitting down, looks truculently at Cokane, as if waiting for him to take himself off. Cokane, not at all abashed, resumes his place at the other table with an air of modest good breeding, and calls to Trench, who is prowling irresolutely in the background
.

COKANE
. Trench, my dear fellow: your beer is waiting for you. [
He drinks
].

TRENCH
[
glad of the excuse to come back to his chair
] Thank you, Cokane. [
He also drinks
].

COKANE
. By the way, Harry, I have often meant to ask you: is Lady Roxdale your mother's sister or your father's?

This shot tells immediately. The gentleman is perceptibly interested
.

TRENCH
. My mother's, of course. What put that into your head?

COKANE
. Nothing. I was just thinking – hm! She will expect you to marry, Harry: a doctor ought to marry.

TRENCH
. What has she got to do with it?

COKANE
. A great deal, dear boy. She looks forward to floating your wife in society in London.

TRENCH
. What rot!

COKANE
. Ah, you are young, dear boy: you dont know the importance of these things; apparently idle ceremonial trifles, really the springs and wheels of a great aristocratic system. [
The waiter comes back with the tea things, which he brings to the gentleman's table. Cokane rises and addresses the gentleman
]. My dear sir, excuse my addressing you; but I cannot help feeling that you prefer this table, and that we are in your way.

THE GENTLEMAN
[
graciously
] Thank you. Blanche: this gentleman very kindly offers us his table, if you would prefer it.

BLANCHE
. Oh, thanks: it makes no difference.

THE GENTLEMAN
[
to Cokane
] We are fellow travellers, I believe, sir.

COKANE
. Fellow travellers and fellow countrymen. Ah, we rarely feel the charm of our own tongue until it reaches our ears under a foreign sky. You have no doubt noticed that?

THE GENTLEMAN
[
a little puzzled
] Hm! From a romantic point of view, possibly, very possibly. As a matter of fact, the sound of English makes me feel at home; and I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad. It is not precisely what one goes to the expense for. [
He looks at Trench
]. I think this gentleman travelled with us also.

COKANE
[
acting as master of the ceremonies
] My valued friend, Dr Trench. [
The gentleman and Trench rise
]. Trench, my dear fellow, allow me to introduce you to – er –? [
He looks inquiringly at the gentleman, waiting for the name
].

THE GENTLEMAN
. Permit me to shake your hand, Dr Trench. My name is Sartorius; and I have the honor of being known to Lady Roxdale, who is, I believe, a near relative of yours. Blanche. [
She looks up
]. Dr Trench. [
They bow
].

TRENCH
. Perhaps I should introduce my friend Cokane to you, Mr Sartorius: Mr William de Burgh Cokane. [
Cokane
makes an elaborate bow. Sartorius accepts it with dignity. The waiter meanwhile returns with the tea things
].

SARTORIUS
[
to the waiter
] Two more cups.

WAITER
. Yes, zare. [
He goes into the hotel
].

BLANCHE
. Do you take sugar, Mr Cokane?

COKANE
. Thank you. [
To Sartorius
] This is really too kind. HARRY: bring your chair round.

SARTORIUS
. You are very welcome. [
Trench brings his chair to the tea table; and they all sit round. The waiter returns with two more cups
].

WAITER
. Table d'hôte at alf pass zeex, zhentellmenn. Somesing else now, zare?

SARTORIUS
. No. You can go. [
The waiter goes
].

COKANE
[
very agreeably
] Do you contemplate a long stay here, Miss Sartorius?

BLANCHE
. We were thinking of going on to Rolandseck. Is it as nice as this place?

COKANE
. Harry: the Baedeker. [
Trench produces it from the other pocket
]. Thank you. [
He consults the index for Rolandseck
].

BLANCHE
. Sugar, Dr Trench?

TRENCH
. Thanks. [
She hands him the cup, and looks meaningly at him for an instant. He looks down hastily, and glances apprehensively at Sartorius, who is preoccupied with the bread and butter
].

COKANE
. Rolandseck appears to be an extremely interesting place. [
He reads
] ‘It is one of the most beautiful and frequented spots on the river, and is surrounded with numerous villas and pleasant gardens, chiefly belonging to wealthy merchants from the Lower Rhine, and extending along the wooded slopes at the back of the village.'

BLANCHE
. That sounds civilized and comfortable. I vote we go there.

SARTORIUS
. Quite like our place at Surbiton, my dear.

BLANCHE
. Quite.

COKANE
. You have a place down the river? Ah, I envy you.

SARTORIUS
. No: I have merely taken a furnished villa at Surbiton for the summer. I live in Bedford Square. I am a vestryman, and must reside in the parish.

BLANCHE
. Another cup, Mr Cokane?

COKANE
. Thank you, no. [
To Sartorius
] I presume you have been round this little place. Not much to see here, except the Apollinaris Church.

SARTORIUS
[
scandalized
] The what!

COKANE
. The Apollinaris Church.

SARTORIUS
. A strange name to give a church. Very continental, I must say.

COKANE
. Ah, yes, yes, yes. That is where our neighbors fall short sometimes, Mr Sartorius. Taste! taste is what they occasionally fail in. But in this instance they are not to blame. The water is called after the church, not the church after the water.

SARTORIUS
[
as if this were an extenuating circumstance, but not a complete excuse
] I am glad to hear it. Is the church a celebrated one?

COKANE
. Baedeker stars it.

SARTORIUS
[
respectfully
] Oh, in that case I should like to see it.

COKANE
[
reading
] ‘– erected in 1839 by Zwirner, the late eminent architect of the cathedral of Cologne, at the expense of Count Fürstenberg-Stammheim.'

SARTORIUS
[
much impressed
] We must certainly see that, Mr Cokane. I had no idea that the architect of Cologne cathedral lived so recently.

BLANCHE
. Dont let us bother about any more churches, papa: theyre all the same. I'm tired to death of them.

SARTORIUS
. Well, my dear, if you think it sensible to take a long and expensive journey to see what there is to be seen, and then go away without seeing it–

BLANCHE
. Not this afternoon, papa, please.

SARTORIUS
. My dear: I should like you to see everything. It is part of your education–

BLANCHE
[
rising, with a petulant sigh
] Oh, my education! Very well, very well: I suppose I must go through with it. Are you coming, Dr Trench? [
With a grimace
] I'm sure the Johannis Church will be a treat for you.

COKANE
[
laughing softly and archly
] Ah, excellent, excellent: very good indeed. [
Seriously
] But do you know, Miss Sartorius, there actually are Johannis churches here – several of them – as well as Apollinaris ones?

SARTORIUS
[
sententiously, taking out his field-glass and leading the way to the gate
] There is many a true word spoken in jest, Mr Cokane.

COKANE
[
accompanying him
] How true! How true!

They go out together, ruminating profoundly. Blanche makes no movement to follow them. She watches until they are safely out of sight, and then posts herself before Trench, looking at him with an enigmatic smile, which he returns with a half sheepish, half conceited grin
.

BLANCHE
. Well! So you have done it at last.

TRENCH
. Yes. At least Cokane's done it. I told you he'd manage it. He's rather an ass in some ways; but he has tremendous tact.

BLANCHE
[
contemptuously
] Tact! Thats not tact: thats in-quisitiveness. Inquisitive people always have a lot of practice in getting into conversation with strangers. Why didnt you speak to my father yourself on the boat? You were ready enough to speak to me without any introduction.

TRENCH
. I didnt particularly want to talk to him.

BLANCHE
. It didnt occur to you, I suppose, that you put me in a false position by that.