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Chapter 7 – Considering the Consequences

Usually when everything got so tangled up that I didn’t know what to do, I went to the cemetery to talk to Will, however, the source of my confusion meant I couldn’t face it. Couldn’t face talking to Will the way I used to. Three days wasn’t the longest I’d stayed away, and even though I felt the pull to go to him, I didn’t want to sit beside his grave and tell him how much I missed him. I’d have felt like a phony.

After talking to Bryce, I realised he was right. I needed to talk to Miguel. Whatever Miguel’s reason for avoiding me at work, I had to try to fix it before we let another four months pass without really talking. We made this mess together, and we’d find our way out together. That’s what friends do, right?

Without putting too much thought into it, I got into my car and drove to Miguel’s house. If I called him, I didn’t trust that we’d both be honest with each other. I needed to be face to face with him. His deep brown eyes couldn’t lie, and I needed the truth. Needed to know if, in spite of his words, we’d been so stupid that we’d ruined our friendship forever.

When I pulled up outside Miguel’s Spanish-style home, I turned my head to the left and stared at the building, imagining him inside. What was he doing? Was he having dinner? Watching TV? Did he feel as strange about the day as I did? Shaking my head to stop myself second guessing him again, I opened my car door and stepped out. Just as I locked up, I heard Miguel’s front door open and I spun around. He had his head down, staring at his phone as if deciding whether or not to call someone. I had a sneaking suspicion I knew who. Waiting, I leaned back against my car. Miguel let out a small growl and shoved his cell into his jeans pocket. He raised his head, and as his gaze landed on me his eyes widened.

“Freya?”

“Hey.”

“I was just coming to see you.”

“I guess I saved you a journey.” Straightening up, I gave him an uneasy smile. “So… what’s up?”

He shook his head, his whole body tense. “I don’t know. I felt like I should talk to you after today but…”

He didn’t need to finish the sentence. Who the hell knew what the words were anyway? Sometimes confusion takes over, and lucky for him, I understood.

“Do you want to come in?”

Obviously, that was the original plan. But he looked so tense. The two of us confined within the walls of his house suddenly didn’t seem like such a good idea.

“How about we go for a drive?” I asked, and he nodded.

Miguel and I climbed into my car, neither of us saying a word. It wasn’t uncomfortable exactly, but we’d lost the easy going feel we’d had the day before. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Getting easier instead of harder? How did we go from joking around at the weekend to this? And all because of… what?

Right. That was why I was there.

“I’m sorry about today,” Miguel said, as we headed out of his neighbourhood towards… wherever. Destination was the last thing on my mind. “I didn’t mean to act like such a douche.” From the corner of my eye I saw his head turn towards me. “You did a great job today. I’m proud of you getting through it.”

“Don’t be too proud.” I shrugged. “I literally got through it, nothing more. It was tough, but everyone was really supportive.”

“Except me.” Miguel snapped his head to the view in front of us again. “I don’t really have a great excuse, or even understand why I kept my distance.”

“It’s okay. Things are far from normal right now and I’ve done more than my share of keeping away from you. But if there’s a way for you to explain so I can understand… it might help. At least then I can work on not doing things that make this harder.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

Silence filled the car again, and I held in a sigh. Maybe visiting him wasn’t such a good idea after all. If he didn’t know what was wrong, and I didn’t know either, we were kind of at an impasse.

I didn’t want this. I
never
wanted this.

My inner GPS led me towards the training ground, to the café opposite our work place where we sometimes hung out. It was convenient, and there was a place to park – something that wasn’t easy to find in Los Angeles. In spite of it being out of the way, there were always people there. I suspected it was mostly Warriors fans, hoping to catch a glimpse of the players – and sometimes they got lucky. I loved the place for its “All-American 50s diner” feel, complete with a jukebox and staff dressed as if they were headed to a rock ‘n’ roll party.

As we settled ourselves in one of the booths, Miguel gave a small smile. “You hungry?”

I nodded. “I didn’t realise until we got here, but I could eat.”

Maybe if we have something else to focus on, we might get somewhere.
I’d be the size of a house soon if the only way we could talk was over food.

We ordered burgers and fries – knowing it would easily be burned off at training the next day – and as we silently sipped on our drinks, I tried to figure out a way to broach the awkward topic again.

“I didn’t like that Bryce was the one who helped you this morning,” Miguel blurted out, causing me to splutter.

I blinked a few times. “Er… what?”

He cast his eyes down for a second and shook his head. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I think.” Miguel raised his head again. “What I mean is, and I don’t know why, but I panicked a little. I thought you might be trying to push me away again which was really stupid because after yesterday, I should have known better. I
do
know better. I just… I wanted to be the one who was there for you and instead of doing that, I backed off. I’m sorry.”

Panic. The way I felt when I thought Miguel was avoiding me. What was up with that? With us? We’d patched things up, ready to move on, but admitting we needed each other had caused a bunch more issues than we’d expected. Instead of supporting each other, we tiptoed around, hyper aware of the fact that we’d taken the comforting thing too far, and no matter how much we insisted it wouldn’t be, it
was
awkward.

I wanted Leah. I wanted my best friend to wrap me up in her arms and tell me what to do.

I wanted Will, because if he was still here, my life wouldn’t have turned into this mish-mash of complications and feelings that made no sense.

More than anything, I wanted control of my emotions again.

“I gotta say, it never crossed my mind that Bryce would bother you,” I said, eventually. “I considered a lot of things, but that wasn’t one of them.”

“Why would it be? It makes as little sense to me as it does to you.” Miguel’s fists clenched. “I can’t stand this, Freya. I hate the way I feel right now. I’m trying to be a friend to you, the friend I’ve wanted to be since Will died, and I’m trying to be okay with what happened between us. Everything’s all upside down in my head. For a while I think what we did was okay. I mean, not
okay
, but I guess maybe… understandable. Then reality kicks in and I feel like an asshole because there were so many things we should have done differently that night.” When he paused, I reached over and placed my hands over his. Slowly, he unclenched his fists and his shoulders sagged. “What we did was wrong. But if I’d left you, that would have felt wrong, too. No matter what choice we made, it wouldn’t have been the right one. Either way, nobody really wins.”

“Do you think I don’t feel that way too? It’s like I’m not in control of my brain. I’m struggling to keep a grip on everything, and being back at work, difficult as it was, was a major step for me. My first real shot at figuring out how to live my life without Will. I’ve got a long way to go, and now I have something extra to weigh me down. And you know the worst part? I don’t feel as bad about sleeping with you as I should, and
that’s
what’s killing me. Spending the night with you was the first selfish thing I’ve done since Will died. The first thing I’ve done that was just for me, without considering the consequences.”

Again, Miguel gave an unsure smile. “You couldn’t have just blown a month’s wages on some new shoes?”

I closed my eyes against the laugh that desperately wanted to break past my lips. I felt the corners of my mouth twitching, but just like when Bryce had tried to make a joke in the car earlier, this wasn’t funny. Miguel’s ability to lighten the mood was one of my favourite things about him, but there was so much more to discuss. So much more that was too serious for kidding around.

When I lifted my eyelids, Miguel’s smile had vanished. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to check we could still do that.”

“What? Laugh?”

He nodded. “I know you haven’t had many reasons to smile lately, but I miss it. I miss seeing your face light up, and hearing your laugh. I know it sounds corny but you don’t realise how happy a person was until… well, until they’re not anymore.”

It may have been corny, but he was right. And I missed being happy too. I missed being carefree, and I missed how easy life used to be.

“What are we going to do, Miguel?”

He laced his fingers through mine and squeezed my hands. “I don’t know. I guess all we can do is keep being honest with each other. I don’t want to be pushed out of your life again, so if things get too much, if you freak out about what happened between us, or if you just want someone to scream at… I want to be that person.”

I nodded. “Okay. Same goes. I don’t want to feel like I’m losing you either.”

He lifted our joined hands and pressed his lips against my fingers. “We’ll be okay. I promise.”

Chapter 8 – Lost In My Own Life

After my first day back, work slowly got easier. Not gonna lie, there were some days when my anxiety peaked and I had to go home, but those days got less and less and the panic eased. Two challenges faced me daily. Working without Will was the hardest thing, and the biggest battle I’d ever faced. When I looked around for him then remembered he wasn’t there, heaviness pushed down on my chest, crushing down on me until I couldn’t breathe. Every single day I had no choice but to push through, and as much as it crippled me, it also helped me. Helped me face up to the reality that he wasn’t coming back. The days I’d spent hiding at home, I could live in denial. I knew the truth, but I wasn’t opposed to a little magical thinking to get me through the days. Work stole that from me, but it was okay. It had to be okay because I couldn’t pretend forever.

The other challenge was my friendship with Miguel. The friendship itself wasn’t challenging; that was as easy it always had been. Instead of being at Leah and Radleigh’s, I hung out with Miguel more often. That led to more turbulent, guilty thoughts – not only because of Will, but because of the way I’d initially treated Miguel. It
had
hurt to be near him, but being around him also helped to soothe some of the ache inside me. If I hadn’t been so determined to keep him away, would I have gotten back to work faster? Started healing faster? Maybe it wasn’t him that helped at all, maybe I was just ready to push myself more, but either way, I couldn’t help the constant battle inside my head that told me I was betraying Will somehow by getting closer to his best friend.

Three weeks had passed since my first full day at work, and an event had loomed on the horizon for the past week, a somewhat unexpected one since Cody Rivera didn’t usually make a massive deal out of his birthday. However, since his birthday fell on a home weekend, he’d decided we should all go to the hottest roller disco in town and celebrate eighties style by dressing up in clothes from the time fashion forgot. Sounds a little weird, huh? A famous soccer player wanting to go to a place often frequented by kids and women attempting to recapture the fun of their youth. But Bryce had ratted Cody out with the revelation that there was a hot woman working the bar there, and Cody wanted her as his birthday gift. He’d met her at the roller rink a few weeks before, when he’d taken his nieces skating, and he hadn’t stopped going on about her since. Being the supportive friends we are, we agreed to make Cody’s birthday an event, so on a Saturday night at the beginning of July, I was dressed in a hot pink tutu, black polka dot pantyhose, pink legwarmers, and a black tank top. I’d spent almost an hour crimping my hair and adding a big oversized pink bow to complete the look. My make-up also featured pink eye shadow and lipstick; nobody could say I hadn’t made an effort.

Thankfully, all my friends had gone to an equal amount of effort, and the sight of so much neon attacked my eyeballs until I wanted to squeeze my eyes closed from the glare. Even Leah, who wasn’t even able to skate since she could barely walk, had dressed in retro maternity overalls for the occasion.

“Lookin’ good, Freya!” Leah giggled as she surveyed my outfit. We stood by the bar but faced the roller rink which was already filled with people. As suspected, the place was filled with bachelorette parties; their “Bride To Be” sashes occasionally lit up under the flickering lights. There were also a few groups of guys, eyeing the parties in the hope of bagging a future bridesmaid or giving a bride a final fling. The place kind of reeked of hormones, but it was difficult not to get swept up in the atmosphere. Cody was already leaning over the bar a little way from us, chatting to the woman he hoped to take home, and I laughed.

“He’s not so subtle, is he?”

“Not even a little bit.” Leah watched him as he slid a piece of paper, probably with his number on it, across the bar. “Ah well, it
is
his birthday.”

“Right, but he shouldn’t be staring at her as if he’s wondering what she’ll taste like smeared in birthday cake!”

Throwing her had back, Leah laughed out loud. “At least he won’t have to think about what to choose for his wish when he blows out the candles!” Her lips twitched. “And, you know, maybe she’ll help him with the… blowing.”

“What’s funny?” Radleigh asked as he and Bryce approached us. Radleigh slipped an arm around Leah’s shoulders, and she looked up at him in a way that showed they’d sorted out their differences. The spark, the unmistakable aura of love around them was back; everything was as it should be.

Leah and I continued to giggle like schoolgirls, and Radleigh and Bryce exchanged a look of amusement.

“If you weren’t four weeks from giving birth, I’d swear you’d been hitting the cocktails already.” Radleigh placed a kiss on the top of Leah’s head.

“No, no,” she answered, still chuckling. “We’re just getting into the old skool feel by acting like adolescents.” She nodded in Cody’s direction and our gazes followed. Cody was now offering the girl his best smile, and possibly trying out some pick-up lines. Lucky for him she laughed at whatever he said, and I was sure he was going to get his wish.

“Ohh,” Bryce said, grinning. “So that’s the girl he’s been talking about. Not bad at all.”

I hadn’t paid much attention to the way she looked, but Bryce was right; she was a hottie. Blonde, slim, with perky boobs that may have been cosmetically enhanced. She had deep blue eyes and a genuine smile.

“She looks familiar,” Radleigh said, his ice blue eyes fixed on her. His grip on his beer bottle tightened as he tried to place her.

Beside him, Leah tensed and her eyes flicked towards me. No doubt what she was thinking.
Has Radleigh slept with that woman?

“That’s because she looks like every other woman Cody hooks up with,” Bryce said, unaware of the rising tension. “Her name’s Ashley, I think.”

“Ashley!” Radleigh snapped his fingers then turned to Bryce. “You know who she is, right?” When Bryce’s brow furrowed, Radleigh went on, “She’s Jen’s cousin.”

Bryce’s eyes widened and he slowly lowered his beer bottle from his lips and placed it on the bar. “
That’s
Ashley? You mean that little girl who used to hang out with Jen at the training ground sometimes?”

Radleigh nodded. “That’s her.”

“Wait,” Leah said, looking up at Radleigh. “Jen? As in your ex-girlfriend?”

I didn’t like the flash of panic that crossed Leah’s face at the mention of Jen’s name, and I hoped this didn’t kick start her insecurities again. Ashley was only Jen’s cousin, after all, not the woman herself. I remembered her, though. Bryce was right; she used to come to work with Jen and watch the players train sometimes. She was much younger then, barely eighteen, but much more sincere than Jen.

“Yeah.” Radleigh glanced over at Ashley again before turning his back on her and pulling Leah in to him. “Don’t worry about it. You know Cody; it’ll just be a one-nighter and then he’ll never see her again.”

Leah slipped her arms around Radleigh and smiled. “I’m not worried.” She rose onto her tiptoes to kiss him, punctuating her point and making Bryce and I roll our eyes as they headed off into their own little world.

“I think that’s our cue to leave,” Bryce said, placing an arm around my shoulder.

Laughing, I picked up my drink and skates, and we edged around the room looking for the rest of our party. Finding them was easy; they were the enormous group sitting on the huge corner sofa and around the largest table at the back of the room, all pointing and laughing at each other’s outfits. Most of the team and their significant others had showed up, and as we joined them we were greeted with enthusiastic hellos.

Bryce dropped his arm from around my shoulders and took a step away as Miguel stood up, smiling. A laugh burst out of my mouth as I took in his outfit. Faded, ripped jeans with the classic, “Frankie Say Relax” t-shirt. The white shirt was a little tight and clung to his solid frame in a way his clothes usually didn’t. He was more a loose-fitting shirt kind of guy. Aside from the retro-ness, the look kinda suited him.

“You look incredible.” Miguel pulled me into a hug and placed a kiss on my cheek.

My breath caught in my throat at his move, but I shook it off, dropped my skates to the floor and circled my arms around him too. It wasn’t as if we’d never hugged in public before; we were an affectionate group. However, the amount of hours we’d spent together over the last few weeks ensured guilt continued to lurk inside me. Bryce was still the only person who knew Miguel and I had slept together, but when we were around our friends, a constant bubble of fear lingered, fear that they could… I don’t know, smell it on us or something.

“Thank you,” I said as we pulled apart. “You look great too. I love the t-shirt!”

He smiled and shrugged. “It was either this or my Michael Jackson costume.”

I gave him a playful shove. “You do not have a Michael Jackson costume.”

“How little you know me!” Miguel struck a classic MJ pose, spun around on the spot then began an impressive moonwalk, much to the amusement of our friends. He took a bow to the sounds of us clapping, cheering and whistling at his performance.

I did
not
know he had those moves in him.

“Believe me now?” he asked.

“About the costume?” I laughed. “That’s still a no.”

He shrugged again, and I shook my head, amused. Around us, everyone had gone back to their own conversations, but I nudged Miguel when I spotted Jesse heading towards us, hand in hand with a terrified-looking blonde girl. They were dressed in matching eighties geek outfits, which included rolled-up blue jeans, a shirt and a huge bowtie for Jesse, and a knee-length plaid skirt, a neat white button-down shirt and knee socks for Isabelle. Both wore matching black-framed nerd glasses. As they got closer, Isabelle lowered her head and Jesse gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. Considering he’d already explained how Isabelle shy was, I thought it brave of him to bring her to an occasion that meant she’d have to meet everyone at once. On the other hand, with us all dressed like wannabees from a Madonna music video, it was one heck of an ice breaker. On their way, they stopped off to speak to Leah and Radleigh at the bar, and Isabelle blushed when Radleigh hugged her. They’d already met in London so at least there was one other person around she was familiar with.

“Should we go say hello?” Miguel asked. “Or wait until later?”

“Maybe we should hold off. We don’t want to crowd them. She looks so nervous.”

I felt for her, coming from her quiet British lifestyle into the crazy of Los Angeles, not to mention that her boyfriend was a famous soccer player, and many of his friends had spent more than their share of time splashed all over the news. I’d be intimidated if I was in her shoes.

“Shall we skate?”

I nodded. “Yeah.” I gestured down to the floor where I’d dropped my evening’s footwear. “I brought my own because I’m cool that way.”

With a chuckle, Miguel nodded towards where he’d sat before I arrived. “Me too.”

A few minutes later our skates were on and a bunch of us joined the other skaters as they whizzed around, weaving in and out of the slower movers with ease. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d skated but the moment my wheels hit the floor I sped away from my friends, enjoying the fast pace, figures blurring when I passed. The sound of Journey singing
Don’t Stop Believing
added to my sense of freedom and I let everything else around me fade away.

Bliss. This was what Bryce meant when he told me to let go. I’d tried and tried, but in the real world there was always something pulling me back. I needed to do something different, to shuffle past a little more of my grief and guilt, and transporting myself back to an era I barely remember unlocked a small part of me that had been in chains since the day Will died. I actually laughed out loud as my feet carried me round and round, my hair flapping wildly behind me.

A night out, a change of scenery. I’d tried those things before, but maybe time was finally beginning to do its thing, allowing some of the hurt to be stripped away and revealing layers of me I hadn’t seen in a long time.

When the song ended I was still laughing as I slowed and rested against the barriers, facing those still skating. The world around me eased back into my consciousness, but I held onto the small piece of joy I’d found; held it tight in my mind and my heart. A camera flashed, and I blinked in surprise then grinned when I spotted Miguel in front of me.

“Sorry.” He slipped his camera back into his pocket, but smiled as he skated towards me. “That seemed like a moment that needed to be captured.”

He was right, and I threw my arms around him and kissed him on the cheek again. “Thank you. I don’t know what just happened but right now, I feel really good.”

Miguel’s hands pressed lightly into my back, sending warm tingles up my spine, and as I pulled back slightly, I noticed his breathing had become a little shallower, his eyes focused intently on mine. My own breathing sped up, my mouth suddenly dry, and I ran my tongue over my lower lip to moisten it so I could speak.

Almost as quickly as it had happened, it was over and Miguel said, “You wanna skate with me?”

There was a husky tone to his question, and all I could do was nod as he took my hand and we started skating again, slower this time.