Plastic Hearts (29 page)

My eyes wandered to Dane a few times during our drive. He was usually so good at reading me, but he wasn’t able to see the glisten in my eyes and pain on my face through the darkness. This was the one time I didn’t want him to read me. I realized a long time ago that Dane made me breakable; I just didn’t know it would hurt this bad before I even shattered. I needed to let him go. I couldn’t be selfish. It was what was best for everyone. I would get my parent’s blessing and he would be safe from their wrath, something I could never be. We would no longer have each other, though, and the thought of living without him was killing me inside.

I needed to feel what we had one more time before I let it all go. This was the one selfish part of me and it may make everything worse, but I needed him one more time. I turned so I was facing him. “Are we going back to your place?”

“Yeah, unless you don’t want to. Do you want to pick up something to eat first?” He looked concerned.

“No, I’m not really hungry,” I said sadly, taking his hand in mine and settling both of them on my thigh. We rode the rest of the way in silence and by the time we arrived at his apartment, I was ready to explode. I had to put this negative energy somewhere. I needed Dane to drown it out, just for tonight. I had made a life changing decision on the short ride from Greenwich to New York City and the weight of it was too much. Alex, you can to do this, I told myself. I just needed to push past the pain like I always did.

“Want to watch a movie?” he asked as we worked our way up the stairs with our bags. My legs were shaking and it was hard to not just collapse on the steps.

“No, I just want to go to bed.” He looked at me for a second, eyebrows knitted together. I gave him my best smile as he grabbed my hand and led me back to his bedroom.

“T-shirt?” he asked as he grabbed one out of the drawer for himself.

I nodded. Ever since I started to stay at Dane’s on a regular basis, I’d been wearing his t-shirts to bed. They were comfortable and smelled like him. He handed me a plain white t-shirt and I headed to the bathroom to change, stealing a glance at myself in the mirror. Stress was plastered all over my face and I looked older than usual. I splashed cold water over it a few times and took several deep breaths before going out to face the man I loved, the man I would always love. But this would be the last time I would face him as my lover. Maybe what I was doing was wrong, selfish even, but I couldn’t stop it.

I let my hand rest on the doorknob for a few seconds before joining him in the bedroom again. He was lying on the bed in nothing but his white boxer briefs. Gorgeous. Beautiful. My Dane. He looked up at me with a big grin on his face, the grin I was going to destroy in a few short hours. “Come here, Baby. What are you waiting for?”

I willed myself forward and tucked myself into his side, nuzzling my face in his neck. “Dane?” I whispered.

“Hmm?” He was using the tips of his fingers to rub small sensual circles on my back. My body was on full alert; I needed him. Even with pain flowing through my veins, I wanted him.

“I love you,” I said, placing a kiss on his chest.

“I love you, too.” He kissed the top of my head and brought both arms around me so we were on our sides, face to face. “Are you okay?” His voice was full of concern and love.

I answered by claiming his mouth in a long, slow kiss. I relished the familiar mint taste that was always on his tongue. I would never to able to taste or smell mint again without thinking of him; it would haunt me forever. He flipped me on my back and kissed every bare inch of my body. I memorized his lips, how they felt on me and what they did inside of me. No one else would ever make me feel this way. No one else could hold my body and heart at the same time like Dane could. I ran my fingers through his hair before lightly tugging on it to pull him forward, placing his lips back on mine.

We stayed connected forever; I didn’t want him to pull away when he sat on his heels and began to slowly pull down my panties. Panic really started to set in as he pulled down his own boxers; this would be the last time he would enter my body. It was the last time we would have this connection. Dane was my first and I had always hoped he would be my last, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I wondered if anything good was ever meant to be.

As if he knew what I needed, what I so desperately wanted, he began to slowly enter me. His motions remained slow and deliberate as he told me how beautiful I was, that he loved me, that I was his forever. Tears slowly began to roll down the side of my face and it took everything I had to compose myself enough to tell Dane I loved him too. I wiped my hand over my face to hide the tears. I thought back to the night in the club when we first met. I had never believed in fate, but I think fate put us there and then in the same Art class. I remembered the first time he kissed me in the art gallery; it was the first time I lived life like no one was watching me. I remembered the first time we ate at the little Italian restaurant that we had visited many times since. It was now a sentimental place and I would see Dane every time I walked past it. I thought back to the first time we were like this. How he made me feel so much love that I felt no pain. I wished he could do that now. I wished he could wash all my pain away this time.

My mind was in such a state of overdrive that I couldn’t find my release. I was too far inside my own head to let myself be in the moment. Dane found his too soon; it could have lasted for hours and it would have been too soon for me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tight as I could while our bodies were still joined. Our chests were touching and his heartbeat mirrored mine. After a few minutes, he rolled over on his back and cradled me into his chest. “I love you, Baby,” he said, kissing the top of my head. I loved the husky sound of his voice after sex. Everything about him was sexy.

“I love you, too. Don’t ever forget it.” I lifted my head to kiss his chin. He began to rub circles on my back again until he fell asleep, his body wrapped around mine. I laid there and listened to him breath for a while before freeing my body from his. It physically hurt to be separated from him. He shifted to his side, causing me to freeze in place for a minute until I knew he was still sound asleep. I threw his t-shirt back on and put on the pair of jeans I’d worn into the apartment earlier. I grabbed my purse and disappeared into the bathroom to write him a final goodbye, tears rolling down my face, hands shaking.

Dane,

I am not sure I can ever put into words how much you mean to me. I love you more than anything in this world. I hope you can forgive me some day.

You and I were not meant to be. I can’t see you anymore. Do not make this harder than it already is. I wish you the best and hope you know that I will always love you.

Alex

I laid the note on the table by his bed, taking one final glance at the beautiful man lying naked on the bed. I couldn’t even begin to put into words how much it broke my heart to know this was the last time I would see him like that. I felt sick to my stomach as I slipped on my shoes and quietly exited the apartment with my things. It took everything I had not to fall to my knees and cry in the three blocks from his apartment to my dorm. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and thrown in the garbage disposal.

I was grateful Jade wasn’t in our room when I opened the door. I wondered when she would be back. She would tell me I was a fool and it would be true. I was a cowardly fool who would continue with her Pre-Med degree to make Mommy and Daddy happy. Jade was going to be upset with me; that was a guarantee. I wondered if she would understand if she had been with me this morning in the study. I wondered if anyone would understand. The time alone was what I needed to sort through everything.

I left Dane’s t-shirt on and pulled on a pair of cotton shorts. Slowly sliding under the covers, I finally let go. I cried because my heart was lying back in his apartment in a million pieces. I cried because I realized that I would never love like this again. Dane had my heart and I would never get it back. I cried because I had happiness in my hand and threw it away. I cried until there were no more tears left to fall down my cheek and slipped back into the numbness that engulfed me before I gave my heart to Dane.

After hours of crying, I must have fallen asleep because I was jolted awake by pounding at the door. I didn’t have to look to see who it was. Instead I pulled the covers tightly over my head, willing the sound to go away. “Alex, open this goddamn door! Right. Now.” I knew he would be upset, but I hadn’t prepared myself for what I would do when he came to my door. He wasn’t going to leave here without an explanation and I owed him one. I owed him everything, but I wasn’t strong enough to give it to him.

“Alex, Baby, please just tell me what I did.” His voice was so pained. My poor, sweet Dane. I didn’t want him to think he did anything wrong, but I couldn’t will any words out of my mouth. Every minute I looked at his sad expression and heard the pain in his voice felt like another nail to my already fragile heart.

“Alex, I’m not leaving until you talk to me,” he said, his voice a little lower. It was quiet for a while before I heard him yell “Fuck!” and what sounded like a fist making contact with the wall outside my door. I winced. I desperately wanted to go out there and tell him everything would be okay, but I knew it wouldn’t. My life was stuck in a compressor and I had nowhere to go. I felt so hopeless: I knew exactly what I wanted, but I couldn’t have it.

It had been quiet for along time when I heard Jade’s voice outside the door. “What are you doing down there?” I hadn’t planned on Jade coming home. I scolded myself for not texting her, but now it was too late. I heard Dane’s voice, but couldn’t make out his words as Jade turned her key in the lock.

Jade walked in as Dane practically shoved her out of the way, making his way to my side of the room in a few short steps and pulling the covers from my face. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. I closed my eyes, trying to combat my growing guilt. “Why wouldn’t you answer the door? Why did you shut me out? What did I do?” He kneeled beside the bed and cupped my cheeks in his hands. “Alex, talk to me. You can’t just leave me a fucking note and expect me stay away.” I opened my eyes to meet his. They are full of so much pain. “Say something, please.”

“Dane, you need to go.” My voice was shaky as tears rolled down my cheeks once again.

“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me,” he snapped. The hurt and anger I heard in his voice broke me. For as long as I lived, I would see that pained expression every time I closed my eyes. How could I hurt the man that I loved? Was I really any better than them? Then I remember my plastic heart, the gift from my upbringing. If my family members could do this, so could I. It was time to step back from my heart and detach myself completely. My whole body trembled at the realization, but it was the only way this was going to work.

I would never know where what came out of my mouth next came from. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. “I can’t be with you, Dane. I can’t love you the way you need to be loved; I thought I could but I can’t,” I said. Each word made my heart bleed a little more. This was draining everything out of me.

His brows pulled together as his forehead wrinkled. “What? I don’t believe one fucking word you’re saying to me right now.” I finally met his eyes again. Had he been crying? “What the fuck is going on, Alex? Talk to me.”

“Dane, you need to go!” There wasn’t much more I could take before I would completely cave to those glassy green eyes. I was breaking him and I knew it.

“Is there someone else?” Holy hell, where had this all gone so wrong? How could he even think there would be someone else while I was in love with him?

What I did next was wrong. It was so very wrong but Dane had given me an easy way out. “Yes,” I whispered, not meeting his eyes. My throat tightened when I spoke and I instantly felt sick. He let go of my face and the anger in his eyes quickly multiplied. I was silently begging him to believe me and leave. This was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I had to close my eyes to keep my composure.

“Who? Tell. Me.” I didn’t answer him. There wasn’t an answer to give. He stood there for a second, just staring down at me. “I can’t believe you’re fucking doing this to me, Alex,” he said running his hands over his face before turning around, opening the door and slamming it so hard that one of Jade’s pin boards fell from the wall.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, before I started weeping uncontrollably again.

“What the HELL was THAT?” Jade asked. Her voice was controlled, but laced with anger. I knew she would be angry. I deserved whatever she had to say. I was ashamed of what I’d become. “What the hell was that?”

“I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be with Dane and be what my parents want me to be. They are two different worlds that don’t go together; I realized that this weekend. This hurts so freaking bad, but I don’t see any other way. I love him, but he deserves better,” I replied as tears rolled down my cheeks. It was hard to get the words to pass through my throat. I could barely breath through the pain and tears. I closed my eyes and all I could see was his face before he slammed my door.

I don’t know if the look in her eyes was pity or confusion or maybe a mixture of both. She sat down on the end of my bed and examined my face for several seconds before talking. “Why did you tell him there’s someone else? You and I both know that there is no one else and you just threw the gasoline on the fire with that one.”

“I know. I knew if I said yes, he would get angry and leave. I couldn’t just sit here and see him hurting because of me. I made my decision and I have to live with it, but it’s going to be hard to do that if he doesn’t let it go.” More tears rolled down my face. I wondered if Dane was crying right now. What have I done to him? What did I do to us? I was no better than my parents.

“Oh, honey, when are you going to start listening to your heart and quit letting your parents run the course of your life? You know they aren’t happy, right?”