Plan B (41 page)

I was surprised by how normal he looked, how normal it felt to have him here.

‘Come in,’ I said carefully. ‘What can we do for you?’

Hugh was surprised by Emma. For one thing, she had always been pretty, but she had never bothered to tart herself up. He had liked that about her. He had loved the fact that she was completely natural. Emma’s world had always been different from Jo’s world. Emma was, he had always thought, still a little girl. She had never been sophisticated. She had been lovely and unspoilt.

Yet here she was, living in a stunningly renovated country house – a house he had made her buy but which he no longer recognised – looking as if she had stepped from the pages of a magazine. His funny little Emma had lost all the baby weight, got herself some nice new clothes, and he suspected she was even wearing make-up. Her hair was glossy and cut so it just brushed her shoulders. The haircut, the weight loss and the extra confidence were, according to Pete’s Jane, classic post-break-up behaviour. Jo had done the same.

‘You look nice,’ he said, as she shrugged her coat off and hung it on a peg by the bottom of the staircase. ‘And the house looks amazing.’

She looked at him with a smile. ‘Right. I look nice but the house looks amazing?’

‘Sorry. You look amazing and the house looks nice.’

‘Better. Thanks.’

He wasn’t sure whether she was flirting with him or laughing at his ineptness, and he had no idea what to say next. He was scared to launch into what he had come to say, so he stalled.

‘Are these floor tiles the ones we chose? They look great, don’t they?’

‘Yes. We chose them. Yes, they look great. The whole house looks great. Why don’t you look round while I make the coffee? I’m assuming you want coffee?’

‘I always want coffee.’

‘I know,’ she said. ‘Alice, can you show Daddy round the house? Show him all the things the builders did. And the garden. Daddy hasn’t seen any of it. I’m afraid most of your stuff ‘s long gone,’ she added to him quietly, ‘so I hope that’s not why you’ve come.’

‘Of course not.’

He wanted to stay in the kitchen with Emma, to try to work out what she was thinking and feeling. She appeared to be calm, but he hoped she wasn’t. He hoped she had not got over him to the extent that she felt no emotion when he turned up out of the blue. Emma had always been nice, but now she was being enigmatic. He was not sure what to do about that.

Alice took him by the hand and led him into the sitting room.

‘Hey, Alice,’ he said. He could hear himself using the same too-jolly voice he used with Olly on alternate Friday nights. When they were used to each other again they chatted perfectly naturally, but for the first few hours, Hugh knew he acted the weekend father, and he hated himself for it. ‘Hey, I’ve got something for you.’

She beamed up at him. ‘What is it?’

He handed her the small parcel and watched her rip the wrapping off.

‘Oh,’ she said, in a small voice. ‘Dinosaurs.’

‘Yes, dinosaurs!’

‘But Daddy, I don’t like dinosaurs any more.’

‘Don’t you?’

‘No.’

He took the bag of dinosaurs back and crammed it into his pocket. ‘That’s OK. You can choose something else. We’ll go to the shops later, shall we?’

‘I like other animals and I like Toy Story and Monsters, Inc. Here is our sitting room,’ she said. ‘Here is Mummy’s chair. Here is my chair. This used to be Greg’s chair and sometimes Rosie’s chair. Here are the tiles the builders put on the floor.’

There was ash in the grate, the remains of the previous night’s fire. The chairs and the sofa were covered in comfy cushions. The walls had been replastered and painted white. He pressed the light switch, and two wall lamps cast a soft glow. It was a cosy room, unrecognisable from the cold, unwelcoming box they had slept in when they had arrived.

‘Now I’ll show you my bedroom,’ said Alice, and he let her pull him around the house, showing him everything that Emma had achieved without him.

‘So,’ she said, looking at him across the table.

‘I can’t get over this room,’ he said quickly. The huge dining room had been his idea. It incorporated a former corridor and a former shed. It was magnificent. It had come to fruition exactly as he had imagined it. There were three windows looking out to the back garden. In the garden, he could see daffodils and crocuses. There were small pale leaves on the trees. The whole garden was being soaked by the rain.

‘Are those hens?’ he added. They were definitely hens. He was playing for time because he was certain of what he wanted, and he was terrified of asking.

‘Of course they’re hens. Why are you here, Matt?’

He smiled, despite himself. ‘It’s good to be Matt again. I’m here . . .’ He drew a deep breath and made his speech. ‘I’m here, Emma, because I’ve realised that I made a huge mistake. I’m here to apologise to you for everything. I was weak and cruel and I had no right to treat you and Alice like I did. Um, this is going to sound cheeky, this next bit. Emma, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I’ve missed you both so much that I haven’t really known what to do with myself. I stayed out of touch because I didn’t want to mess you around any more, I wanted to give you a chance to start again without me. But I couldn’t stay away. I had to see you. So I wondered if you would consider, even for a moment, giving us another go. Starting all over again but with me getting it right this time. There’ll be no one else, ever. I could easily work from home. It would involve a sideways move or even a demotion but I’d happily do that. Or I’ll leave work and do freelance consulting from home. Or something completely different. I could come back here and we could all live together and just see how it went. I would love to be back in the centre of Alice’s life. Could we try it? Try a blank slate and see what happened? Obviously Jo and I are getting divorced, and if you would have me and if things went well for us, I would be honoured if you would marry me, one day.’

Emma was watching him. He clenched his fists and hoped that he didn’t look as scared as he felt. Everything hung on her reaction. There was nothing more he wanted in the world than to take his place back here, in France, with this woman who, he now realised, was the woman he wanted. They had a house and a daughter. He thought of offering another baby, but stopped himself.

‘Why have you stayed out of Alice’s life since the summer? It’s March. You left us in August. And you haven’t set eyes on her since. You’re lucky she even recognised you.’ Her voice was devoid of emotion.

He floundered. ‘I didn’t want to make things harder for you. I thought I’d give you a bit of time. I was getting my head together, too. Staying at Pete’s was no good, because he, well, he has a lot of unresolved issues of various sorts as you undoubtedly know, plus his girlfriend hates me. Does Pete ring you, by the way?’

Emma nodded. ‘He has done. Not often.’

‘Thought so. Anyway, I got a place on my own and I tried to put my screw-up behind me and get on with life, but I couldn’t. I only wanted to be with you.’

‘You think you can stroll in and everything can be how it used to be? Except presumably without the double life?’

‘I know it’s a lot to ask. I’m throwing myself on your mercy. I’m in love with you, Emma. I’m begging you to give me a chance. I might surprise you.’

‘You surprised me last time.’

‘Give me a chance for Alice’s sake.’

‘I’ve got a date tonight.’

Matt was surprised. Then he was surprised that he was surprised.

‘I’m not surprised,’ he lied. ‘You look stunning. Is this . . .’ His voice was small. ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’

‘Not a boyfriend. Just someone I’ve met through work who’s asked me to dinner.’ She looked at him levelly. ‘And I’m going to go. And by the way I’ve sold the house.’

Matt nodded. ‘Right.’ He had known this was a long shot. Pete would be furious with him for coming out here to try to get back with Emma. He still claimed to be happy with Jane. Hugh did not believe him. Particularly not if he had been calling Emma. ‘Who to?’

‘A British family. They love it. They’re going to put a pool in. They made a great offer.’

‘OK.’ He wanted to ask how much, but he didn’t. Emma had paid for the house and he knew that her profit margin had nothing to do with him. ‘I expected you to sell it. So, where do you work?’

‘I teach English conversation at the Chamber of Commerce. I’ve had a few enquiries about private tuition lately, but I’ve turned them down because Alice and I are leaving here the week before Easter. We’re going to stay with Christa and Geoff for a bit and then we’ll find a place to rent. Maybe in Brighton. Probably in London.’ She gestured around. ‘Sadly a French country house, in perfect nick with enormous garden, doesn’t get you much of a London pad.’

They sat in silence for a while. Hugh tried to work out how it was going. He knew he was being colossally cheeky. He was relieved when Alice ran back into the room.

She looked at him shrewdly. ‘Have you seen my school, Daddy?’ she asked.

‘Yes. Remember? I used to take you to school sometimes.’ He felt wretched. ‘Do you like school?’

‘Yes I do. I play with Melanie. She’s my
best
friend.’

‘I bet you speak perfect French by now.’

‘I speak French at school.’

Emma interjected. ‘She’s bilingual. It’s awful that she’s going to have to lose it.’

From the way she was looking at him, Hugh realised that this, too, was his fault.

‘She doesn’t have to,’ he said, on impulse. ‘Cancel the sale. Let me live with you both for a bit. See how it goes.’

Emma shook her head. ‘You can’t waltz in and throw that at me. I’m off to do the shopping. You and Alice stay here for a bit. Spend some quality time together.’

Hugh nodded, bemused to see her breezing away. ‘See you later. Think about it.’

Emma kissed Alice, and left.

Hugh looked at his daughter. ‘Right, Alice,’ he said, with too much enthusiasm. ‘What would you like to do?’

Her reply was instant. ‘Pizza for lunch.’

I drove into St Paul and did my vegetable shopping quickly at the market, pausing only to exchange the briefest of pleasantries with acquaintances. I saw Fiona in the distance, looking at pot plants, but hid from her, because I did not know what to say about Matt’s return.

I chatted to the women I saw every week, and kept my demeanour studiedly casual. Then I drove for another twenty minutes, to Villeneuve, parked illegally in the middle of town and rushed into Nouvelles Galeries at ten to twelve. I picked up a tight black dress. It fitted me perfectly. It clung in all the right places, and its hemline was uneven. I had never felt as glamorous as I did with that dress on. It cost one hundred and fifty euros, but I told myself that, at the very least, Matt was now going to have to support Alice properly, so I could afford to get myself something to wear. I bought some high, sexy shoes. I would wear my long coat and make-up and I would look fine for my date.

The last thing I felt like doing was going out with Alain. I hated Matt. I hated everything he had done to me. I hated the months of misery he put me through. In many ways, for much of most days, I was still miserable. I was functioning now, doing all the things I had to do, being brave, but I still ached all over when I thought of him. He had given me a life that had been nothing but an illusion. Seven months later, I was still reeling. These days I was able to put on a show, that was all.

My self-control was rigorous. I never let myself drink more than a glass and a half of alcohol. I never let my fingernails grow, my eyebrows take their natural shape. Some days I was so busy not breaking down that I could not allow myself so much as a deep breath. This was my way of managing. It was the only way I could look after Alice, and the chickens, and the garden and the house and myself.

And now he was back. As I walked to the car, swinging my shopping bag, a surge of excitement overwhelmed me, and I stood still on the bridge and looked to the future for the first time. The river was high. It swirled around in little eddies and rapids, all the way to the next bridge. Water covered the riverside walkway. The sun came out from behind a cloud and shone, suddenly, into my eyes. Matt wanted to come back. He said we could start again with no secrets this time. I could cancel the house sale, give back the deposit. I might have to give back double the deposit – I thought that was the penalty for pulling out on a whim – but Matt could help with that. We could be the ones to put in a pool. We could live as a family. Alice would have her daddy, and I would have my Matt, and I wouldn’t be lonely, and together we would find a way to be happy in spite of everything.

If I were stronger, I would be throwing him out. I knew I ought to be outraged that he had even dared to suggest coming back. But I was not that strong. I loved him and I needed someone to lean on. I knew what my answer was going to be.

I walked the last few yards to the car with a spring in my step. Coco and Fiona would be disappointed in me. Rosie would be disappointed in me. Bella and Greg and Christa and Geoff would be disappointed in me. None of that mattered. This was my decision and mine alone. I was going to spend the afternoon talking to him, and then I would decide whether or not to cancel Alain. I quite liked the idea of going on a date, because it had clearly made me more desirable in Matt’s eyes. I was not going to be silly, timid Emma, desperately trying to please everybody and being trampled underfoot. I was going to be strong, this time. We would be equals.

The journey home was exciting. I bounced in my seat as I drove, imagining our future. For the first time in seven months I allowed myself to picture a future which involved marriage and babies. The sun had broken through the clouds now, and I screwed up my eyes to see the road ahead. I had never loved anyone but Matt. I was never going to meet anyone I could talk to like that. He had betrayed me, but he was sorry. It was going to be different this time, better this time.

When I got home, the house was silent. Matt’s hire car had gone. All the shutters were open, and the doors weren’t locked. I walked into every room, calling, ‘Alice!’ although I knew I wouldn’t find her. Matt would not have driven off and left her at home on her own. He must have taken her out somewhere.