P.J. Morse - Clancy Parker 02 - Exile on Slain Street (26 page)

“Don’t you find it funny that you’re staging situations and telling me not to look fake?” Harold asked.

Hare sighed. “Well, just don’t make it look fake. Look at my shoulder or my ear or something.”

“But I have something important to say!” Harold announced. Then, defying Hare, he looked right into the camera and said, “I’m in love. With Topaz’s mother.” He stared at the sky like he could see Deandra’s face in it.

“No, you’re not!” I gasped. “You just met her. And her daughter is a biiiitch!”

Harold shrugged. “I presume you’ve been a little too preoccupied to notice that the woman you’ve just called a ‘bee-yotch’ just talks a good game. She respects her mother. You can see it. She’ll rein it in when she gets older.”

“You’re not thinking of yourself as a stepfather?” I started throwing some sticks around the lawn. “You must be joking! It’s barely been an hour!”

Harold corrected me. “It’s been at least two hours.”

Hare said to Tortoise, “You know what? I say we bail this show and do a show with the old guy and Topaz’s mom.”

“It would be better than the shit we’re doing now,” Tortoise agreed.

“And why don’t you admit it?” Harold asked me, picking up a mallet and swinging it.

“Admit what?” I asked.

Harold started hitting the croquet balls at random. “That you’re in love with Patrick. Tum… tum… tum…” He thwacked another ball into the woods. I thought I heard someone say, “Ouch!” so I started coughing.

Since this was reality television, of course I was supposed to say I was in love with Patrick. In fact, I might have legitimately said that I was falling in deep like with Patrick, if only he hadn’t been sharing his bed with Lorelai. “Well, Dad, since you’re Mr. Romance, maybe you can give me some advice. How do you handle it when the guy you — ” I paused slightly because I had trouble going there with the full “love” business “ — are into is into another woman at the same time?”

Harold looked into the woods and smiled. “You don’t know if he loves her. This is television. And he’s an actor.”

“Musician,” I corrected. I turned and looked up at Patrick’s window, but the curtain was pulled shut.

“Kind of. You have to be an actor for this sort of thing. Gotta have enough drama for the series.” Then he got distracted. “Where’s Deandra?”

“So, what do I do?” I asked.

“You wait until he chooses you. Besides, you don’t have to say yes. You may be infatuated now, but that doesn’t mean he’s worthy of you.” He shrugged. “Patrick seems like an all right guy, but you need to find out what he’s like when the camera’s not around.”

“What if he chooses me, I say yes, and he turns out to be a different person?” I asked.

“Then you gamble.”

Deandra and Topaz returned from the woods, trailed by a crew after having what was probably a long talk. Deandra was already grinning at Harold.

“Aren’t you gambling?” I asked.

“I’m about to double down,” Harold told me. “You’re not at that stage yet.” Then he held the mallet out to Deandra, and they launched their own croquet game while Topaz and I sat on the sidelines and sulked.

Chapter Thirty:
No More Wishes

F
red and Greg began rounding up the parents and loading them into the limo. Andi’s mom was especially difficult to round up, as she said she was on the verge of a psychic breakthrough that would unlock the meaning of the universe. Fred had to lure her away from the hedge by promising that he would turn on the pretty lights in the stretch Hummer.

Greg herded the four of us contestants into the house. With Tina gone, he was more efficient than ever, almost too much so, as if he were going through the motions. Patrick wasn’t around anywhere. I hadn’t talked to him much that day, with Lorelai sucking up his time and Harold gallivanting with Topaz’s mother. The only person safe was Lorelai, and that familiar wave of jealousy swelled through my body, but I tried to convince myself that was the effect of mixing alcohol and Major Rager.

Patrick and Wolf came down the spiral staircase this time, and they were dressed better than ever before. Patrick wore a suit, and Wolf even had on a blazer, although it was a bit too small for him. Three lockets dangled from Patrick’s wrist.

To suit Patrick’s look, we also dressed well for the elimination. I broke out my only real dress, a little black one that had some fringe, creating a flapper effect. Compared to everyone else, I looked like a nun, as their dresses were all bright, and all the hemlines reached mid-thigh at the most.

“All of you look beautiful,” Patrick said, shaking his head. “I hope all of you realize how hard this is. And, after meeting your parents and exes, I have an even better idea of where you come from. In some cases, I was surprised by where you come from!” He looked from me to Topaz during that comment.

“Today, one of your parents threw down the gauntlet. It didn’t deter me at all. Lorelai, would you come up for your locket?”

Lorelai walked down, her eyes brimming with tears.

“Lorelai’s locket,” Patrick sighed, hanging it around her neck.

“It has a nice ring to it,” she said, kissing him.

“On to the surprises. Now I totally understand why this woman is her own person — I don’t think her dad would have it any other way. Katherine?”

I walked down. I didn’t realize Harold made such an impression. Patrick told me, “Your dad is the kind of guy I could get along with!”

I laughed. “That’s good — love me, love my dad!”

Patrick smiled, and he kissed me, and I made the extra effort to kiss him back.

Topaz and Andi remained on the platform. This was the first time Topaz was in the bottom two, and she didn’t like it. She drew her eyebrows together and took a deep breath. Andi’s expression didn’t change at all.

Patrick held on to the locket, stretching the chain out tight. “Andi,” he began. At this point, Topaz opened her mouth like she wanted to say something.

But Patrick cut her off and continued speaking directly to Andi. “I think you’re fun, and you are sweet and sincere. Your parents know how to party, too. But… flat-out, you might be too young for me. And you’ve just, kind of, checked out.”

“Checked out?” Andi asked, tilting her head and processing his comments. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“I just don’t think you’re that into me, and I don’t think we’re the ideal match. I’m sorry.”

Topaz immediately relaxed. Wolf stepped forward, ready to make sure Andi got the hint that it was her time to go.

After Andi was officially eliminated, she stepped back instead of moving toward Patrick. Usually, if Wolf didn’t drag them out, the women had at least one last interlude with Patrick. But Andi just started running. I heard the back door slam.

Wolf and some of the other crew took off after her, but Andi was too fast. Wolf came back, panting. He leaned over and put his hands on his knees. “She’s in the woods,” was all he got out.

The crew spent about an hour searching for her, with no luck.

Greg was pacing along the edge of the pool. “Where the hell is she?” he groaned. “What if she ends up like Dawn?”

“Eh.” Tortoise shrugged. “She’ll turn up. We’ll tell the neighbors to be on the lookout for a woman in a silver glitter dress with bleached-blonde hair and huge knockers. They won’t miss her.”

“Especially at night,” I added. I wasn’t worried. If Andi was out in the woods, she was safer with Shane, Wayne, and Muriel. It had been too quiet since Dawn got hurt, and I expected the killer to come back again soon.

Chapter Thirty-One:
Lead Singers Live Forever

N
o one woke us up in the morning. In fact, I woke up naturally. Or, at least relatively naturally. Hare’s camera was in my face. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“I’m not a pervert, I swear,” he said.

“You might be a bit of a pervert. No one made you take this job. So, no challenge today?”

He shook his head and lowered the camera. “Nah. They’re still trying to decide where to take the final three.”

That hadn’t occurred to me. When it was down to the final three on these shows, usually the women got to go on a decent vacation. And protecting Patrick was going to be more difficult if we were out of the country. “Do you know where we’re going?” I asked.

“Nope. With all the… uh… carnage, for lack of a better word, the network doesn’t want to leave the country. You might have to settle with Vegas. Greg is trying to work out the arrangements. We’ll probably leave tonight. I’m pissed. I was hoping we’d go to Cancun at least.”

“I like Vegas better.” I smiled and started gathering up my clothes. To Hare, I was excited, but inside I was weighing what to do — go all-out to find the killer before we left? Or wait to see who went on the trip? That might narrow down the possibilities, at least among the crew.

Instead of throwing on a full outfit, I decided to put on the bikini from the Lean, Mean and Green debacle and go sunbathing. Not that I would ever sunbathe, but lying outside might put me in contact with the creatures of the forest, and I could get some advice.

I headed down to the swimming pool and realized it was half past ten in the morning. I did an excellent job of sleeping in. After I rubbed sunblock on my legs, I stretched out, feeling the rays on my belly. It was better to stare into the sky than to look in the pool. That’s when something struck my stomach.

“Ow!” I opened my eyes to see a stuffed teddy bear, one of the talking ones with a zipper up the back. I heard Hare shout, “That’s not in our schedule!”

The creatures of the forest were already talking, and they left the teddy bear’s zipper conveniently open. Since the cameras were to my right, I turned the bear’s back to the left and dug my fingers inside. Sure enough, there was a tiny folded square of paper. I resisted the temptation to turn around and thank the creatures of the forest.

Tortoise walked over, exuding crankiness. “Gimme that. No contraband. Is anything in there?”

I was afraid I would get busted. Their surveillance was thorough, and I didn’t want to give up the message before I could read it. But I played confident and tossed the bear to Tortoise. Once his eyes flicked away so he could catch it, I slid the message under the edge of my bikini bottom. There was so little room that, if he wanted to look for contraband in there, he wasn’t going to find anything without a fight.

I told him, “I think you could use a can of Major Rager, buddy.” Then I lay back as if I were going to return to sunbathing. I wanted to unfold it so I could read what the forest creatures found out, but I needed to dawdle as long as I could until Tortoise and Hare had their footage of me and forgot about the teddy bear.

Lorelai came over. “Hey, what’s up? I saw something get thrown at you. You okay?”

“Yeah,” I said, not even moving. Since I had on sunglasses, I didn’t even need to look her in the eye. “Some tweaker in the woods. The dudes took it from me. It was just a teddy bear. At least it was soft.”

“Was there something in it? That’s how people communicate with each other, you know. You could get tossed if you get caught.”

Now I lifted my sunglasses and looked at her. She would like it if I got caught since she seemed to have the best chance of winning. And I didn’t want her to win. For the first time, I knew that I wanted to win. “Are you going to accuse me of getting secret messages that will help me win or something? Really? What would those messages say? ‘Patrick’s favorite food is mac and cheese. Go make mac and cheese.’ Seriously? It was probably some freako. God knows how long he’s been staring at us by the pool.”

I bent my knee slightly, making sure the little paper didn’t peek out from under my bikini elastic. If anything, I could say it was a stray tag, but that was pushing it since it was in the front. I cursed Greg for buying me a bikini that was a size too small. “Buncha crazies in this world…” I said.

Lorelai got real quiet. “Well, I’ll just hang out here, anyway.”

“To keep an eye on me?” I asked. “Before some kind soul tosses over a stuffed animal packed with messages about Patrick’s favorite sexual positions. Hey?” I called out to these phantom individuals in the woods. “If you’re out there, can you tell me about that before my next date?”

“You are so sarcastic!” she said. “I’m still not sure you didn’t get a message. I tell you, they do that on other shows.” She was looking at the cameras. Somehow, they’d find a way to make me look sneaky in the final edit.

“Lorelai, in the end, you realize it’s just about us, right? Whichever one he likes best. You, me, or Topaz. There isn’t a damn thing you can do at this point except show that you are sincerely falling in love.”

Hare shouted, “Hey, Katherine! Can you do us a favor? That was good, but can you say that with more emotion?”

I sighed and repeated the line, putting my emphasis on the “damn” and the “sincerely,” juicing up the emotions enough to carry to the television audience.

“It’s also about the game,” Lorelai said. “The game can give some of us advantages that the others don’t have.”

I rolled away from her. “All righty, I’m going to sleep now. Or I’m gonna need another drink.”

She leaned back and didn’t budge. Of course, she had every right to be suspicious, but she made me lie there for half an hour until she finally caved. It was getting cold, and she was bored, so she went to the bar. I followed her and went to the bathroom, where I could read the note.

Once I got inside, I locked the door and ran the water in the sink so Lorelai couldn’t hear me unfold the note if she decided to get even nosier and press her ear up against the bathroom door. I told myself that, once all this was over and I could reveal who I really was, I’d try to find her a job at a detective agency.

Luckily, the note was short. It was in Muriel’s handwriting:

We found hundreds more pictures of Sean Morgan in the woods. Like a shrine. You sure Sean Morgan didn’t have a stalker, too?

Get Patrick out of the house ASAP. We’re here. We’ll help.

Even before Shane, Wayne, and Muriel told me about the shrine, Sean Morgan’s ghost had been haunting the whole production. Patrick played his song at Bimbo’s. Patrick devoted time to Sean’s charity and Sean’s family. The show was just as much about Sean as it was about Patrick, and I knew I wasn’t going to find out who killed Kevin unless I learned more about Sean.