Pieces of Me (9 page)

             
But for the first time in over a year, that innate human desire to be close to another person rears its head and I find myself considering the possibilities.

             
Sean's face flashes before my eyes and the guilt constricts my heart. How can I even consider moving on from him?

             
Holden pauses. Somehow he must have sensed my hesitation. I'm struck again by how perceptive he is considering I'm not the most open person. He places a finger under my chin and raises my head so I'm forced to look him in the eyes. He looks at me for a moment, curiosity plain on his face before he offers me a sad smile.

             
“Aria, listen. I know that something is going on in that head of yours that keeps you from wanting to get to know me but I swear, my intentions are not of the shady variety. I just want to get to know you. Okay, so that sounds a little creepy.” I notice his cheeks beginning to take on a pink tinge.  I could tell that this confession was making him nervous.

             
Something about the way Holden is looking at me, with such vulnerability, ignites that faint flame that exists in the very back of my broken heart. It feels like we're on the verge of something. Something that could change everything. I'm not ready to dive right in just yet, but I think I can at least sit on the edge of the pool and consider getting my feet wet.

             
“Friends?” I ask.

             
“Just friends.”

             
“Okay then.” We enter the Bistro side by side.   

             
During dinner we talk about normal, everyday stuff—school, our friends, our favorite movies.
Gone with the Wind
is mine,
Braveheart
is his—go figure. We talk about the places we’ve visited. I’ve been absolutely nowhere but he has ventured to Europe with his grandparents who apparently have a lot of money. He never says as much but after listening to the stories he tells about them, I assume.

             
After being with Sean for so long, we already knew everything about each other. Sometimes we had nothing new to talk about so we would just eat in comfortable silence, which was nice, but eating with Holden is completely different. As hard as it is to admit it to myself, it is refreshing to talk to someone that I don’t know every little quirk, every life detail about.

             
“Thank you,” I tell him sincerely after he walks me back up to my apartment.  I had a surprisingly nice time.

             
“We should do this again.”

             
“Yeah, I mean, I still need help with Bio.”

             
Something about his expression darkens and I wonder if a study date is not what he was talking about. I turn to unlock the door before I ruin our nice evening by saying something stupid.

             
“Aria?”

             
“Yeah?” I turn around.

He looks at me with an expression that I'm not familiar with. He leans toward me, pausing only a few inches away from my face. He reaches out and strokes his finger down the side of my face and across my jawline sending shivers down my spine. For a moment I think he might actually kiss me which sends  my heart into a panicked frenzy.

              “Holden, don't kiss me.”

             
He blows out a gush of air, tilting his head towards the star-strewn sky before looking back at me with those crazy, intense eyes that make me feel like I'm the only girl in the entire world. “Okay, I won't kiss you. Not today. But someday, it's going to happen.”

             
“I hope not. It would ruin everything,” I whisper softly.

             
“I disagree, because Aria, if, no
when
you ever decide to kiss me...” He steps closer, leaning down until our noses practically touch before continuing,“I can guarantee I’ll be the last guy you ever kiss.”

             
“Don’t hold your breath.” The words come out a little too breathy. I feel my cheeks redden in embarrassment and silently pray he doesn’t notice. But the smirk painted on his face tells me he did.              

             
“Good night,” he whispers huskily in my ear before turning around and walking down the stairs back to his motorcycle.

             
I stand there, frozen in time and place, unable to move or breathe until I no longer hear the rumbling of his bike's engine. I can't stop thinking about Holden even as I let myself into my apartment. I shower, do the dishes, clean up the living room, and I even try to study a little bit—anything to keep me out of my bedroom where the box labeled 'Pieces of Us' still remains untouched like a cursed tomb.

             
Finally, I flip on the television, make myself comfortable on the couch, and get lost in a sappy Lifetime Original movies until I can't keep my eyes open another second.

CHAPTER 11

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to open this morning. It’s so early. I didn’t even have time to drink a cup of coffee before I had to leave. Of course I guess that’s one of the perks, no pun intended, of working at a coffee shop. The espresso machine is calling my name.

             
“Good morning, Sunshine,” Holden says as he sneaks up behind me.

             
“What are you doing here?” I try to stifle a yawn as I lock up my bike.

             
“What? Don’t you enjoy starting off your day seeing my handsome face?” he smirks.

             
“Eh, you’re not
that
handsome,” I lie. Totally lied.

             
“There you go, breaking my heart again,” he mocks. “I didn’t know you worked today.”

             
“I wasn’t supposed to. Mason asked me if I could cover the shift this morning.”

             
“I see. I guess my day just got better.” He smiles way too cheerfully for this early in the morning as he unlocks the door and holds it open for me to enter first.
              “Yeah, mine will be better after my first cup of coffee. How are you so awake already?”
              “Morning person,” he says simply before grabbing my iPod out of my front pocket.
              “Hey! What are you doing?” I demand.
              “Just getting a head start on bugging you today.”
              I try to grab it back from him but he's way too tall. He just laughs at my attempt as he puts my ear buds in and starts looking through my playlist.
              “Hmm, you like country music?”
              “I like a little bit of everything.”
              “Everything? I doubt that. That’s just what people say to sound more interesting.”
              “I’m not trying to sound more interesting. I’m certainly not trying to sound more interesting to you,” I snap. It's way too early. I'm a bear without my coffee. My dad always says there should be a warning sign around my neck in the morning.
              “Name your top five favorite songs of all time.”
              “Right now? It's too early to think,” I grumble.
              “Yes, right now. If you have to think about it too long your answer won’t be legit.”
              “Okay fine.” He’s completely exasperating. I let out an exaggerated sigh before humoring him, “Um,
Daydream Believer
by the Monkees,
Alone
by Heart,
Everything has Changed
by Taylor Swift,
Such Great Heights
by The Postal Service and
Leaving on a Jet Plane
by John Denver.”
              “I stand corrected. You really do like a little bit of everything.”
              “While this conversation is completely titillating, I'm going to get a large cup of coffee before starting opening duties. Trust me; I'll be friendlier after a healthy dose of caffeine.”
              I scoop the amount of freshly roasted whole beans necessary to make a standard pot of The Java Bean’s popular house coffee and then throw in an extra scoop for good measure.  I grind the beans, inhaling their rich aroma and begin to feel more awake already.  I add water to the machine and start the brew cycle then head to the back room where we store our personal belongings. Holden follows me placing his wallet and phone on the shelf above mine. I stow my purse and then tie on my apron.
              “So aren’t you going to ask me what my top five favorite songs are?” he asks.
              “No.”
              “
Photograph
by Def Leppard,
Black Water
by the Doobie Brothers,
Make you Feel my Love—
the Bob Dylan version,
Brown Eyed Girl
by Van Morrison and
Cruise
by Florida Georgia Line—the Nelly remix,” he tells me anyway.
              “That’s lovely.”
              “Aren’t you going to comment on my excellent taste in music?”
              “Consider me sufficiently impressed.” Either he finds my disinterest charming or he doesn't understand sarcasm because he just keeps on smiling at me like he finds me the most interesting person on the face of the earth. I don't get it.
              “I have to admit, Brown Eyed Girl is a very recent addition to my all-time top five.” He winks at me before heading back up to the front. 
              I hear my phone beep. Since no one is around to see, I decide to peek and see who in their right mind is awake at this ungodly hour texting me.  It's not like we're officially open yet anyway.

             
                            Olivia: Girls night tonight? I'm                                                         thinking beer and pizza

I text her back.

                                          Me: Pizza- yes. Beer- No. Why are                                                         you up so early?

             
                            Olivia: Morning Person. I'll bring                                                         Channing Tatum ;)

              Oh good Lord, she just wasn't giving up.

                                          Me: Please no.

             
                            Olivia: Fine. How about Ryan                                                         Gosling?

             
I feel the air leave the room at the mention of his name because there is only one movie I can think of that features Ryan Gosling and it is yet another movie that I can't bear to watch.

                                          Me: Not The Notebook

             
                            Olivia: Why not? Its my fave!

             
                            Me: Just please, no. Anything else.

             
                            Olivia: Fine. See you later!

              Just thinking about that movie makes it hard for me to breathe. Will I ever be able to think of him without suffocating?  Sean and I used to watch it together all the time and even though he tried to hide it, I knew all the parts that made him tear up. I would wisely look the other way until he had time to discreetly wipe away the traitorous tears.

             
“You okay?” Holden asks, sneaking up on me once again.   He's good at doing that and seems to enjoy it since he laughs when I jump.

             
“Yeah, fine.” I stow my phone away.
              “Okay, I'm gonna unlock the doors.”  I nod and he walks back up to the front door to open for the day.

             
I need to stop thinking about it or I won't be able to go on with my day. Luckily the morning rush starts and we are just as busy as always so I don't have time to brood over it. Before I know it, my shift is over and it's time for me to clock out.

             
“Are we still on for Sunday?” Holden asks before I go.

             
“Sunday?”

             
“Studying. For bio? Remember?”

             
“Oh, yeah. Yes, that would be great,” I say halfheartedly.  

             
“Are you okay?” Holden whispers softly.

             
“Yeah, I'm fine why?” I ask trying not to sound defensive.

             
“Nothing, you just seem, I don't know, sad or something today.”

             
“I'm okay,” I tell him. “Just preoccupied.”

             
“Alright. See you Sunday.”

             
“Yeah, see you then.”

             
I barely have time to get in the shower before Olivia is banging on my door. Well, kicking the door anyway—her arms are full as she impressively balances two large pizzas, a two-liter of coke, and three different Ryan Gosling movies, thankfully none of which are
The Notebook
. 

             
We eat the pizza right out of the boxes on the floor in front of the television. She jabbers away at random intervals but for the most part we watch the movie in compatible silence.

             
Until she suddenly blurts out, “So what's going on between you and Holden?”

             
“Nothing,” I answer a little too quickly causing Olivia to smile brightly in return.
              “Yeah, nothing my ass.”
              “I'm serious.”
              “Do you really not see it?”
              “I honestly don't know what you're talking about. “We're friends. And barely that.”
              “Has he kissed you yet?
              “No! Why would he do something like that?”
              “So what do you guys do?”
              “Um, work? Study?”
              “Boo!  How on earth can you stand to be around that schmexy man and NOT want to kiss him?”              
              “Easily. I don't want to kiss anybody.”
              “That's just not normal,” she says as she shakes her head in genuine disbelief.
              “I guess I'm not normal then,” I admit with a shrug.
              “What happened to you?” she asks, suddenly serious.
              I sigh. “I don't want to talk about it.”
              “Did some douche bag break your heart effectively ruining you for all other men?” she guesses, but she says it so dramatically it’s as though she is almost joking.
              “Not quite.” My  voice sounds dead, even to me.
              “Oh my God, Aria. I didn't mean—I'm sorry. Please, talk to me, you can trust me.  What happened?”
              My heart constricts painfully and my lungs collapse in on themselves making it hard to breathe. I haven't talked to anyone about him yet. My mom has tried over and over but I just shut down every time she tries. Maybe she was right though. Maybe in her own way, my mom was just trying to help. Maybe I should at least try.
              “I did have a boyfriend,” I admit softly. “We were together for three years. I had planned this entire weekend—it was our anniversary and—.”
              “Did the rotten bastard cheat on you?” she guesses wrongly again. Her eyes narrow viciously and she looks ready to pounce like she’s just waiting for me to give the word and she’d go hunt him down. She probably really would do something like that.
              “God no. Nothing like that. Though, honestly, I wish it was that. It would have been better.” Hot tears begin to pool in the corner of my eyes and I start to question whether I'm really ready to have this conversation.
              “Aria, what's wrong?” She doesn't ask in the nosy way of someone who relishes in someone else's pain—she's genuinely concerned about me and I can tell she just wants to comfort me but she doesn't know how. I take a deep breath and rush through the words.
              “Sean loved music. I think if you were to cut him open he would bleed music notes,” I laugh to myself without any real humor in my voice. “Normally he's the one that went all out for important dates...birthdays...anniversaries...he always made them special. This time though, I wanted to be the one to surprise him with something special for a change.  I got tickets for the best seats at the Kansas City Symphony and reserved a room at the Chateau Avalon for the weekend. We were just outside the city limits when a truck barreled onto the freeway out of nowhere traveling against the flow of traffic and—.” I pause a moment to try to gather the courage to choke out the rest. “All he wanted was a hint and instead of just telling him, I told him to grab my purse so he—he unbuckled his seat belt. Not even five seconds later some drunk asshole hits my car head on. Sean was thrown through the window.” I take a deep breath, and blow it out in a vain attempt to stop the tears already pouring down my face before I can say the rest. “He didn’t make it.”
              “Oh Aria, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I mean, I knew that something had to have happened, but gosh—I just didn't know what.”
              “Of course you didn’t. How could you?”
              “I know, I just wish—God I don’t know what I wish. I’m just so sorry.”
              “There was no way I was ready to start college classes as planned that fall, so I took the time to stay at home and just try to deal with everything. My mom tries to help, but she's just so overbearing. I think she means well, but she constantly brings Sean up like she thinks talking about it will somehow make me feel better. I just couldn't handle it any more so I told them I wanted to leave and I enrolled at Kensington. They didn't want me to move so far away at first but they eventually agreed it would be best. They helped me get an apartment and even a car but I still haven't been able to sit in it, let alone drive.”
              “So that's why you ride your bike everywhere.”
              “Yeah, I guess I have issues,” I scoff at myself. ‘Issues’ doesn't even begin to cover it.
              “I think that's understandable, Aria. I can't imagine—how are you now? Are you okay?”
              “I'm getting better. I think every day it's a little easier,” I admit. “I don't think I'm ready for everyone to know though. The whole reason I finally decided to leave home was because I couldn't stand all the stares and looks of pity—everyone knowing what happened and feeling like they all blamed me. I blamed me enough and still do but it was just too much. I don't want to go through that again.”
              “I won't say a word,” she promises. “But I think we should go out tomorrow night.”
              “And why is that?”
              “I think you could use some fun.”
              “I don't know. It's not really my thing.”
              “I don't really think you know what your 'thing' is,” she points out. “You left home to try to move on didn't you?”
              “Well, yeah. Sorta I guess. I mean, I don't know. Moving on makes it sound like I want to forget about him. It's not that. I just don't want to be sad all the time.”
              “Then it's time for you to actually start being proactive. You can't wallow in your apartment depressed all the time. You need to get out, meet people.  You need to start living in the now. So, you and I,” she waggles her finger back and forth between the two of us, “are going out this weekend and you're going to like it.”