Pieces of Him (6 page)

Max~

I went home to take a shower and leave a spare key under the mat for Jack. He and Rachel promised to drop by later this morning and set up all the shit they bought for Xander before I bring him home this afternoon. When I told Marie I was leaving, she actually looked worried that I might leave and never come back. I can’t say I blame her for thinking it, but things are different now. I made a promise to Jack that I would try, and I know it’s what Keri would want. Besides, I can’t do that to the kid, not now. I wouldn’t just leave him there.

I brought Keri’s shit with me—her bag, her purse, and her clothes. I seriously contemplated throwing it all in the nearest dumpster, and then I thought about that fucking dream I had and what she’d said.

He’ll never know me if you don’t tell him.

That shit stuck with me. It got to me because I didn’t know my mother. The bitch left when I was two years old because she was addicted to drugs, and that’s about all I know. As I was growing up, I would have loved to have something of hers. I would have wanted some kind of connection to her. I figured I could go through Keri’s shit and save a few things for Xander. Even if I don’t end up keeping him, I can send it off with him to wherever he goes. I lost my shit when I started going through her things and came across the journal again, and as I picked it up, a letter fell out. It was folded up and Xander’s name was written across the back. I should have left it alone, put it away for him so that he could have it when he got older. That was my mistake. I sat on the couch, unfolded it, and read it.

Dear Xander,

I wanted to write you this letter so that you would know what it was like and how I felt prior to your arrival. From the minute that I found out you were coming, I knew I had to let you know how much I love you. I knew that I would spend the rest of my life showing you and telling you how much you mean to me. I’ve never been this happy in my entire life because I’ve always known something was missing. A part of me that wasn’t completely full until the minute I found out about you. I’m so excited for the day that I finally get to hold you in my arms.

My heart is filled with so much joy and anticipation for what the future will hold. Halloween costumes and pumpkin picking. Christmas tree decorating and letters to Santa. Easter egg hunts, birthdays, and lots of sports. I promise to do the best I can to give you all of those things and more. You and I will be a family. We’ll always be a family and nothing and no one can ever change that.

So no matter what happens in your life, no matter how many failures or how much success you achieve, I want you to always know how important you are. It doesn’t matter if we’re together or apart; my love for you will keep us connected forever. I never believed in miracles until I found out about you. Now, I believe.

I love you,

Mom

I finished reading the letter and very carefully folded it back exactly the way she had done it and put it back inside the journal. Clasping my hands behind my head as I rocked back and forth, I tried to keep my emotions in check. It wasn’t working. So instead, I got up, leaving the journal on the couch. I picked up the lamp on the side table and hurled it across the room. I watched it crash against the wall and shatter into pieces all the while thinking I wasn’t the only broken thing in the room. Something in me absolutely fucking broke when I read that letter, and whatever pieces of me were left after Keri’s death were obliterated right along with that lamp. That very thin string holding me together has snapped in half, and the pain that I’d been trying to keep at bay came flooding in. I thought about how it felt to grow up without my mother. How I would have given anything, anything at all, to have someone take care of me the way Keri wanted to take care of this kid. It made me hurt for me, for her, for our boy. I’d never felt pain like that, never thought that sorrow could cause a physical ache like what I was feeling at that moment. The fight I was putting up against that onslaught of pain was the only thing keeping me from going off the rails. Physically, I couldn’t cry; I couldn’t let the tears go, so instead, I screamed as loud as I possibly could. It was violent and guttural, and I felt it as it tore through me. There was pure fury in me; it was intense and it was bigger than I was. A growing anger replaced my grief and sadness. An anger with a greatness that I’d never felt before and all rational thoughts went out of my head. That was when I went on a fucking rampage. I think I may have even blacked out as I threw everything within reach. I flipped over anything that was too heavy to throw, and for the grand finale, I put my hand through a wall in the living room. It wasn’t enough to make me feel better, but it was something. It was enough to calm the beast trying to fight its way out of me. It was enough to make me feel alive, and I needed to feel alive. I needed to distance myself from death because death was all I could see. I was hyperventilating by the time I’d finished redecorating my place. Looking around, I was satisfied with my work and got the fuck out of there. The last thing I did was to throw open the door, slam it shut behind me, and blow out of the building. I vaguely recall a girl standing in the hallway looking completely horrified as I brushed past her. Oh fucking well.

I drove around for a good half an hour before finally pulling into the parking lot of the hospital. I get out and go around to the other side of the car, open the rear door, and pull out the black and gray car seat that Keri made me buy last month. After I bought it, she wouldn’t stop nagging me about installing the thing in my car, ultimately using her mouth on me as a way to bribe me into doing it. Yeah, I’m a fucking asshole. I make my way into the hospital thinking that most dads make this walk with a smile on their face. I probably look like a criminal about to walk into a police station to turn themselves in for murder.

When I make it to the maternity ward, I go directly to the room I’ve been staying in to tackle the paperwork that the nurses wanted me to read through and fill out before I left this morning. Amongst them sits the birth certificate form and I just stare at it. What would happen if I didn’t fill it out? What would happen if I didn’t put my name down on that paper? If I didn’t claim my own son? What kind of man would that make me?

Keep him safe, keep him with you

Fuck you, Keri
, I think as I grab the pen and begin to fill out the form.

“We’re just waiting for the doctor to come in and sign off on Xander’s discharge papers.”

I look up and Nurse Marie is leaning in the open doorway with her legs and arms crossed. Her eyes on me, she’s staring at me thoughtfully.

“Thanks,” I tell her before bringing my attention back to the form. There’s silence in the room for a while. Long enough that I almost thought she’d gone away. Then I hear her say, “You’re going to be fine.”

“Am I?” I ask, never looking up from my paper.

“Yes.”

I sign my name on the form, toss the pen on top, and look up at her. “It’s good one of us is sure.”

She’s been here since the beginning, silently pressuring me to step up to the plate, to step up for Xander. She should know that I’m not sure. She should know that she’s put her faith on an unknown bet.

“You know how to pick him up. You know how to cradle him. You know how to make his bottles and feed him. You know how to burp him and change him. You know how to care for the circumcision site. We went over how to bathe him last night, but you also know not to give him a real bath until the umbilical cord falls off. What else do you need to know?”

How to love him,
I think. Not because I don’t want to love him, but because I literally don’t know how. I don’t know how to feel what I’m feeling for him, how to embrace that shit because no one ever gave it to me.

“You know how to keep him happy and healthy, Max. That’s what is most important. You should mentally prepare yourself for sleep deprivation. That’s going to be hard. He’ll be up every two to three hours to feed. He’s going to want to sleep all day and keep you up all night, but you can’t let him do that. Wake him up often during the day,” she says, giving me a pep talk as if she’s an excited coach in the middle of halftime and our team is close to victory. She’s fucking nuts.

“I made up his bag for you with plenty of diapers, wipes, and formula to last you for a few days.” She points at the black bag that Keri had brought to the hospital with her. “There’s a thermometer in there. The one you put on his forehead. It’s easy to use. There’s a couple of pacifiers, some burp cloths, and the few changes of clothes your girlfriend brought for him.”

“Thanks.”

“Try to keep track of how much he eats and how often. How many times he wets or messes his diaper. The pediatrician will want to know that when you take him to her in a couple of weeks. You’re going home with an immunization record. Keep it in a safe place and bring it with you to the doctor. We’ll file the birth certificate from here, and you should be able to pick it up at the municipal building in about two weeks. You’re going to need that.”

“Jesus, I should be writing this stuff down.”

“You’ll remember.”

“I’ll certainly try.”

“I put my number in the bag too, Max,” she says softly, and my eyes lock with hers. “If you need anything, if you have any questions, any doubts or concerns, you call me anytime.”

Fucking. Killing. Me. I don’t say anything to her. What can you say to the person who’s dragged you through the pit of darkness whether you wanted her to or not? I would have been long gone if it wasn’t for her. I’m not proud of that, but it is what it is. I nod at her, and she comes forward and picks up the forms I’ve filled out.

“I’ll be back with Xander as soon as I can. We had the photographer take his picture. I’ll need your credit card to pay for the package.”

Is she for fucking real?

“Are you serious?”

“Every baby gets newborn pictures taken. You don’t want him to be the only one who doesn’t.”

“Right because he’s really worried about pictures right now.” I roll my eyes as I pull my wallet from my back pocket and hand her my credit card.

“Thank you,” she sings, literally sings it, as she turns and walks away. I go over all of the instructions she gave me in my head and pray that I don’t forget any of that shit. When I think I’ve managed to memorize most of it, I pull out my phone and call Jack. I figure he should know that he’s going to walk into an apartment that looks like it was hit by a tornado.

“What the fuck did you do to your apartment?” are the first words he utters when he picks up. Clearly, I didn’t warn him soon enough.

“I tripped.”

“Jesus, man. Rachel thought you got robbed.”

“Nope,” I reply with a shake of my head. I should feel embarrassed for tearing the place apart, but I’m not. It felt good and I needed that; I needed to get rid of that aggression before I came back to Xander.

“Did you get it out?”

“Yup.”

“All right. We’re doing the best we can to clean this shit and set everything else up. When will you be here?”

“Don’t know, waiting for the doctor to discharge him.”

“We’ll try to work fast.”

“I appreciate it,” I tell him and I do. I don’t have a family. I have very few friends and, besides Keri, no one who I hung out with on a frequent basis. Having Jack’s support right now is a tremendous relief.

“Later.”