Pieces of Camden (Hole-Hearted #1) (15 page)

A trace of a smile lifts at the corners of Camden’s mouth when he finally turns to face me.

“Can I take Livvy to the grocery store after breakfast?” Camden asks, his sweet smile a direct contrast to Olivia’s devious one.

“Please, Mom.” Olivia bounces off the counter and dances in front of me.

“Well…” I draw out. My teeth clamp down over my bottom lip as my eyes narrow at my little girl. “Who’ll do the dishes while you’re at the grocery store?”

“I’m a kid, Mom, not your maid,” she sasses, her lips spreading into a huge grin.

“You’re a brat.” Twirling her around, I lightly smack her bottom.

She sends a glee of giggles and squeals into the open space of our kitchen. Out of breath, I sit on the floor and gather Olivia onto my lap.

“Is that a yes?” Camden asks.

I arch a brow at Olivia, who makes a show of rolling her eyes.

“If you do the dishes this time, I’ll do them after lunch and dinner. Deal?” Olivia asks, her voice begging me to give in this once.

“I can live with that,” I agree.

“Can we try some of Cam’s world-famous chocolate chip pancakes now?”

“World-famous, huh?” Camden questions.

Olivia scurries around him, putting place mats on the kitchen nook.

“Don’t let it get to your head.” After grabbing a kitchen towel, I throw it in Camden’s direction, but he catches it before it hits his face.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna have chocolate for breakfast,” Olivia whispers, awe spreading in her light-brown eyes.

There’s a lot I can’t believe, starting with Camden.

He’s here, yet it’s like he’s occupied somewhere else. Fading. Sometimes slowly. I keep waiting to turn around and find him gone, but then he comes back.

He smiles at Olivia, grounded by his tribulations and her tender love.

I hold on to him, wanting to bind him to us, to have him worn into the fabric of our souls. I want him for a lifetime, but I’ll take whatever fleeting moments he has to offer.

NINETEEN

CAMDEN

Cramped, the walls of the grocery store push against me, and I brace myself, placing my hands on Olivia’s shoulders. Eyes bore into me, staring, judging, circling around me and the little girl I helped create.

“Livvy”—I lick my dry lips—“why don’t you look at the flowers we’re gonna buy your mom while I talk to my friend?”

Pure and good, she puts her undisputed belief in me and the notion that I’m a trustworthy man, and she ambles off toward the flowers. A current of cold air whips around me as the store’s air conditioner kicks on. I put my hands in my jeans pockets and stare at anyone but Pastor Floyd.

“You have a daughter,” Pastor Floyd accuses.

Emotions grow thick between us, and I turn my eyes to my child. My daughter.

“I didn’t know.” I swallow the lump in the base of my throat. “I swear, I didn’t know.”

“You know now.” His eyes narrow, and his cheeks flush. “This?” He takes out the bottle of pills I asked him to bring me and shakes it in front of my face. “This has to stop. I can’t do this anymore.”

Pastor Floyd paces in front of me, waging his ongoing war between what’s wrong and what’s worse.

Yanelys thinks she’s seen the worst of me, the worst of my parents, but only Pastor Floyd has. He was there the day my world crumbled with truths I’d have rather stayed hidden. And he’s been there every day since.

He doesn’t want to enable me; he wants to help me because he’s seen my tears and anger and helplessness. He’s seen me grow from that pain, only to have life knock me down again. And again. And again.

“I’m gonna get clean, Pastor Floyd,” I promise and his eyes widen in shock.

Never, in all the years I’ve been with him, have I ever uttered those words. Because never, until right now, have they been true.

“I’m gonna get clean,” I say again.

Pastor Floyd’s chest heaves as he sucks in a breath. He closes his eyes, squeezing them so tight that a small tear drips from the corner. Scared, desperate, but hopeful, I place my hands on his shoulders and tighten my grip so that he looks back at me.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper when he opens his eyes, “for everything I’ve done. For everything you’ve done to help me. I’m sorry.” With shame filling my soul, I hang my head.

“I know,” Pastor Floyd replies. “I want the best for you, Cam. I do. But I don’t know how to help you.”

“You can’t.” A small smile tugs at the corner of my lips and I shove my hands into the pocket of my again.

Yanelys. Only Yanelys can help me.

“Santiago knows about my problem, and we’re going on some guys’ trip in two weeks. He says he’s going to help me get clean. Until then, he’s keeping the pills and only giving me one every four hours.” My hand twitches in my pocket, so I close it into a tight fist. “It’s not enough.” Defeated, my voice rises barely above a whisper.

“Okay.” He nods once and hands the bottle to me. When I move away, he grips my wrist, gaining my attention. “Get clean, Cam. Not for your daughter or for Yanelys. Do it for you. Because you deserve it.”

My feet feel heavy when I take my first step away from Pastor Floyd and toward Olivia. The weight of the pill bottle burdens me, pulling me down, willing me to tear open my heart and leave it bleeding.

On one knee, I gather Olivia into my arms, aching for her gentle embrace to heal my sick soul. But my sickness remains, forging its way to Olivia, blemishing her goodness.

“What do you think about the lilies?” I ask, pointing at the white flowers Yanelys favors.

“Mom loves these.” Her fingers caress the petals with the same tenderness as her mom.

I pick out two bouquets, and with Olivia’s small hand in mine, we go to the cash register and pay with the money Pastor Floyd gave me. Outside, a cool breeze greets us, the blue and white sky spanning like an endless dream. Rather than head to Yanelys’s house, I lead us to a nearby playground where I place both sets of flowers on a bench under a wide tree and then turn to Olivia.

“Did you know it’s good luck to catch leaves?” I ask.

She shakes her head.

“It is,” I say.

The wind blows harder, making her hair swirl, as the tree shakes above us. Small leaves free themselves from it, floating and dancing their way to the ground. Turning, I open my arms and close my fist when a leaf falls into my waiting hand.

I position the leaf so that I’m holding it by the stem, and I show it to her. Her eager eyes trace my every movement, and my pulse quickens with her wistful heart.

“You want to make a wish with this one or catch your own?”

“Catch my own!” Olivia’s lips curve into a radiant smile, her eyes glowing with joy, as she runs beneath the tree. Her feet crash into small piles of leaves, sending them into the air. Elated giggles paint the sky as she jumps, twirls, and catches as many leaves as her small hands will allow.

“Okay, Cam!” Breathless, she jogs toward me, stray leaves falling from her grasp. “Now what?”

“Make a wish.”

With my eyes closed, I throw my leaf in the air. And wish I weren’t alone. That the emptiness could somehow be filled. I wish for a life I’d left behind but never wished away. For the love of a little girl who didn’t even know who I was.

Leaves fall on my face, and when I open my eyes, I find Olivia spinning in circles with her eyes closed and her arms open wide. On a whim, I scoop her into my arms, and together, we spin.

And spin.

And spin.

Like a circle, without beginning or end, we spin and spin until we grow dizzy. The ground rocks, shifting on its axis, so I place Olivia on her feet while I lie down on the cool grass. Within seconds, she lies down next to me, nestling her head in the crook of my arm.

I hesitate before I grip her closer to me. Streaks of light flash behind my eyes as the dizziness squanders away. Sad thoughts and the rough edges of life unblur, making my heart thunder in my ears.

“What’d you ask for?” I ask.

“I can’t tell you.” She angles her face toward mine, her nose scrunching up at my question, as her eyes glint in merriment. “Then, it won’t come true.” A small blush creeps over her neck to her cheeks.

“You and your mom.” I laugh, kissing the top of her head. “You two are a lot alike.”

“Mom loves you, you know?”

“I love her, too.”

“And me?” Her eyes peek at me from the corners, and I lick my lips while I collect my thoughts.

Echoes of my past fade to today, my load constantly narrowing my life. As Olivia’s small body curls into me, my vision clears and stretches along with the sky. In every direction. Unconfined and limitless. Unconditioned to the hard nature I’ve harbored for far too long.

“And you, Livvy. I fell in love with you the minute I saw you. And I keep falling every second I spend with you.”

“Even though you don’t know me that good?” Her eyes well up and my heart crashes against my ribs.

“I know you well enough.” I touch her nose with my finger. “I know you like chocolate, that you help your mom out around the house and make her laugh. I know you make me laugh, too. You can run really fast and spin better than me. And I know you have a bouquet of lilies to put in your room when we get home.”

Her eyes grow big, and she scrambles to her feet, pulling my hand up with her.

“You got me flowers, Cam? For real?” She jumps in place, her face illuminating with the simplicity of her pleasure. “We need to put them in water. They can’t die. Let’s go, Cam.” She tugs on my hand. “Hurry, let’s go!”

“Okay.” I laugh. “Okay.”

Hand in hand, we walk away from the playground—Olivia holding her bouquet of flowers while I cling on to her mom’s. A terrain of love spreads before me as I listen to Olivia chatter about the flowers I bought her. How I’m the first person to ever buy her flowers. And I know…I know it in my achy body that I want to be the first of many good things in her life.

The wind continues to play with her hair, leaving her cheeks flush from the rush of cool air and the short walk to Yanelys’s house. New dreams and new thoughts break into my heart when I walk through the door to find Yanelys sleeping on the couch with a paperback resting on her chest.

With a slight tilt of her sweet head, Olivia smiles and asks, “Will you put my flowers in a vase for me?”

My heart stutters in my chest, my throat growing thick. My charming girl, a beautiful blessing from a god I thought had left me. I nod once, knowing I don’t stand a chance. Already, she has me eating out of her hand.

“Thank you, Cam.” Olivia’s hands clasp together behind my neck after I’ve filled a vase with water and put her flowers in them. “I love them. I love you,” she whispers.

A piece of my broken heart slides into place, and for a fleeting moment, I’m complete.

TWENTY

CAMDEN

There’s a place beyond us, beyond the sky and earth, and even beyond heaven that stretches infinitely, not allowing any of our yesterdays to hurt us. Where only we exist. Where the only thing that counts is us and our heartbeats thumping as one.

Yanelys’s fingertips run circles over my heart as we sit on her bed facing each other with our foreheads touching. My hands comb through her hair, and she exhales her sweet breath on my face. Inches away from her, my lips linger over her mouth. She parts her own lips, inhaling and exhaling me.

Quiet, so quiet, the room stands still, and I hear the hope her breaths whisper across my face. Through jumbled nerves, I move my lips closer to hers, my eyes trained on them. Plump and soft, they quiver in anticipation.

My heartbeat rises but then collapses when Yanelys pulls away.

“Yan?”

“We slept together last night,” she says on a rough exhale of air. “But that’s all we did. Sleep. I want more, Cam. I really do. But I want more than just sex, too.”

Her eyes meet mine, and when I don’t respond, she closes them.

“Open your eyes, sweetheart.”

She does, and I’m taken aback by the love shining from them. Or maybe it’s my own love I see reflected from her soulful brown eyes.

“It could never be just sex with you.”

“It was though. Maybe you didn’t mean for it to be. I know you thought you were protecting me, but when you left, you turned the most indescribable and delicate moment of my life into ugly sex. I can’t go through that again.” Her tongue sneaks out of her mouth to wet her lips as her eyes skirt away from my face. “I don’t think I could survive it a second time.”

Guilt braids itself around my conscience, fear and doubt tangling with its tendrils. Silence thickens the air, separating us, when all I want is to keep her as close to me as possible.

“Forgive me, Yan.” My eyes search hers, my jumbled nerves running amok when she doesn’t reply. “I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for making my love something ugly that you’re afraid of. I’m not promising you an eternity because you wouldn’t believe me. But I will spend every second of every day showing you all the love of my forever.”

Her body draws closer to mine, her apprehension clearing and making room for the hope that’s been burning in her soul since we were kids. Joy teases her lips as she glides a gentle hand over my cheek. She leans into my face and our lips touch. A wave of passion builds in my core, and I slip my tongue across her lips. My body presses further onto her so that her back rests on the bed. She arches when I lift the thin fabric of her pajama shirt and trail soft kisses over her curves.

When I remove her pajama shorts and panties, I place a gentle kiss on the scar from her C-section, and she exhales a sharp breath, our abandoned hearts finding one another within the whirlwind of lust and love.

“I’ve only ever been with you, Yan.” The admission shocks her, and I close my eyes, hoping to hear her utter the same words even though I know I don’t deserve them. “It’s always only been you.”

“It’s always only been you, too, Cam,” she whispers, her breath falling across my cheek and lips, warming me from the outside in.

The pressure in my chest intensifies, but I pull away, worry drawing my eyebrows together. “I don’t have any condoms.”

“It’s okay.” She exhales heavily, and I shake my head, pulling further away from her. “I’m on the pill. It’s okay.” Her hands fist my shirt, and I willingly let her pull me back to her.