Pictures of You (26 page)

             
“Adrien, I—”

             
“It’s not like I’ll be needing the money,” he said, reminding me again of the thing I was trying so hard to forget.

             
“Come on, Tember, let the guy buy it for you,” Mary said.

             
“Okay, okay. Thank you, Adrien. Really, I mean it. Thanks,” I said, turning to him, my face probably blood red now. I started for the dressing room when he called after me. I stopped in my tracks and turned around.

             
“September, you’re beautiful,” he said, his eyes smoldering.

***

              At work I felt like my head would explode from thinking too much. My heart has had better days, too. It had already been broken twice this year, but now, what remained of it was being beaten, stabbed and thrashed and then tossed in a garbage disposal for good measure. I felt a canker sore coming on, too. The words Adrien and I exchanged, going through Abby’s vinyl, ran over and over in my head like a wind-up toy. The truth was I had only three days left with Adrien.
If
I couldn’t stop him from self-destructing. Three short days. I knew as each day passed, it would hurt a little more to be with him. As I drew closer to the end of this most unusual experience, I stupidly fell deeper in love with him. There was only one thing I could do. I had to stop him. I had to change his mind. But how? He said he loved me, too. Wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t our evolving relationship reason enough for him to stick around?

             
Apparently not.

             
Logically I knew I should stop seeing him. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I wanted to stay by his side as long as he’d let me. If I’d known in second grade, the day I met Abby, our friendship would end abruptly and tragically eleven years later, would I have still chosen to befriend her? And would I have loved her any less, knowing our days were numbered, knowing in the end I’d be faced with almost unbearable heartbreak and grief? Her death just about killed me. This was no doubt the hardest year of my life—times a million—but I’d do it all over again. It was worth it, every single minute of it because I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would’ve been like without her.

             
The same applied to Adrien. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I’d feel differently after he was gone. Maybe it was a tiny smudge of hope which kept me anticipating his visits every day—hope he’d get some help and choose to stick around for awhile.

             
“Are you okay? You’re pretty quiet tonight,” Chris said, emptying the garbage, concern etched all over his lovable face.

             
“Oh. I’m fine. I just have a lot to think about I guess,” I said, working on a stubborn brown spot on a blue tile wall.

             
“You know you’ve been working on that same spot for the last half an hour, right?”

             
I looked up, stunned. “Have I?”

             
“You’re not still going out with that suicidal guy, are you?”

             
He made it sound so ridiculous. “That’s none of your business.”

             
“I thought so. Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you
like
to be miserable?”

             
“Of course not. It’s…You wouldn’t understand.”

             
“Try me.”

             
“Wait. Maybe you
would
understand. I’m not the only one who’s not in an ideal situation, who is maybe sabotaging my happily ever after,” I said, remembering Chris’s confession about Megan. “You don’t love her. And yet here you are, still with her, living a lie. To me that’s worse.”

             
“It’s not the same at all. I was genuinely in love with Megan at one point. And
happy
—before she started smothering the life out of me. But what are you doing with this guy? You’ve known him for a couple of weeks—or less than that—and you really have no obligation to be nice to him. He’s probably just using you. Having his way with you before he—”

             
“That’s not true. I’m not the kind of girl who—I wouldn’t even let him try—Chris, Adrien hasn’t even
kissed
me. He’s been a perfect gentleman.” He seemed genuinely surprised—and relieved. “And anyway,” I said, “I still have hope I’ll somehow be able to convince him to get some help. There still may be a way. There’s
got
to be. I mean, he can’t be in his right mind. And I’m not doing this to be nice. It’s so much more than that. Adrien’s a really special guy. He’s so talented and sensitive and generous and—”

             
“Don’t make me puke,” Chris said, obviously joking. Or at least half-joking. He exhaled. “Okay.”

             
“Okay what?”

             
“Okay, I get that you gotta do what you gotta do. Just keep in mind there are other men out there. Other more
deserving
men.”

26

             
We spent Adrien’s last night together at a carnival on Brooklyn beach. Originally he was going to kill himself in two days, the day of my parents’ party. But, much to my dismay, he pushed the date up a day. He’d finished the note early, plus he said it would be better for both of us if he didn’t draw things out and left earlier.

             
I was stunned when he told me all of this. And really angry. I thought I’d have two full weeks with him and now he was cutting our time together short.

             
The thought of losing Adrien, the thought of this being our final time together was hard to comprehend. Unbearable to think about. So I did my very best to
not
think about it, not to think about cruel reality, following me around like a lunatic jester. It stalked me, pointing and laughing, mocking me for being such a reckless fool.
You should have never agreed to spend time with this guy
, the voice said.
Now you’re losing the one you love the most all over again. You stupid, stupid girl.

             
I saw it in Adrien’s eyes, too. He didn’t have to speak. I saw the anguish, the being torn by two choices: life with me, or an eternal, sweet sleep, away from the pain and suffering that preyed upon him for so long, that had made his life unbearable enough he felt ending it was the only solution.

             
I hadn’t been to this carnival in years. My parents brought April and me here every summer when we were growing up. It was different now. Many of the rides were the same while other bigger and better ones towered above us. It drew the same diverse crowd. I tasted the familiar salty sea air on my lips, inhaled the nostalgic smells of hotdogs, popcorn, pizza, cotton candy. But there was a thickness in the air that pulled my heart down into my stomach, an empty feeling despite the bustling crowd.

             
“Look,” Adrien said, pointing to the gorgeous orange and purple streaked sky, which made a perfect backdrop for the majestic Ferris wheel ahead. Dancing lights framed the rides and game tents of my childhood. A lemonade stand cast a strange yellow glow on his face. Emotions whirled inside me as I took in the surreal landscape around me. It was like I was in a dream. A really, really strange dream.

             
“Let’s go on the Ferris wheel,” I said, grabbing his hand, pulling him forward. I hoped the impending night would camouflage my crimson cheeks. I remembered it was on his list, the things he wanted to do before he died: “Kiss a girl at the very top of a Ferris wheel,” he’d said. I touched my lips, anticipating the kiss I ached for. Would he kiss me tonight? I wanted him to more than anything.

             
“Okay.” Adrien shrugged. Maybe he’d forgotten the list. Or maybe kissing was the last thing on his mind. He grasped my elbow, helping me into the rocking seat first before sliding in next to me. Already my heart picked up a notch. He casually threw his arm around me, protecting me against the clammy autumn air. “You cold?” he asked when I shivered.

             
“Yes,” I said. It was partially true. He removed his green military jacket—the one Mrs. Watkins gave him—and molded it around my shoulders. He slid in closer until our sides touched. We sat saying nothing, watching the shady-looking Ferris wheel operator with tightly coiled hair load people into the other seats.

             
To anyone around us, we might’ve appeared to be a young couple newly in love, (which we were, in a way), the perfect pair, the kind you see in those cliché romantic comedies. But no one could know the truth—that this would be our last night together. That things were ending before they had a fair chance to really start. No one knew of the turmoil we were in.

             
On the outside looking in, this could be a page in a fairytale book. I’d finally found my handsome prince, my soul mate. We were young and healthy and beautiful. The night around us couldn’t have been more magical. But…I wanted Adrien, more than anything. And Adrien wanted death. It was an intriguing love triangle of sorts. An ugly, twisted love triangle. I felt a kaleidoscope of emotion turning inside. I was angry at Adrien for choosing death over me. Bitterly angry. But more so, angry at myself for being more than willing to be a part of this. I was heartbroken. After losing Abby, I didn’t think there was anything left to break. But my heart had grown bigger, doubled in size and now there was twice as much heart to be trampled on.

             
All of this aside, I was burning up with love. The intensity overwhelmed me, sucking all of my pride, all of my energy. I was determined. I was going to kiss Adrien Gray tonight on this Ferris wheel, whether he liked it or not. Nothing would stop me. And maybe my love would be enough. Maybe Adrien would wake up, snap out of this dark spell and realize there was something to live for. But it was more than I could hope for and knowing Adrien, there was nothing left I could do to change his mind.

             
At the very least, I wanted a goodbye kiss.

             
Adrien gazed at me, sadness etched all over his perfect face, as the huge wheel lifted us higher and higher. I met his gaze, here and there and then looked away. Just as we were approaching the top, I opened my mouth to ask for the one thing I wanted the most, other than Adrien himself. A kiss. But he spoke first.

             
“I’m so sorry, September. I really shouldn’t have let you be involved in all this. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m hurting you just like I hurt them. I’m doing it all over again.”

             
“Shhh. Adrien—”

             
“Wait, let me finish. If there was any way I could take these past days back, I would. Not because they weren’t some of the best days of my life, because they were. Not because I don’t love you, because I do. But because I was wrong to let you be a part of this. If there was any way I could make it up to you, I would. I don’t regret meeting you, September. I only regret the hurt I caused you…and will yet cause you.”

             
“Anything?” I bit my lip, feeling sick with longing. Confused, his eyes swept my face. “You said you’d do anything to make it up to me,” I said, feeling my cheeks burn again.

             
“September, you know I can’t cancel my plans.” He said it so nonchalantly, like he was speaking of travel plans or a reservation to a nice restaurant.

             
“I—I didn’t mean that. You know I want more than anything for you to change your mind—now more than ever. But I know I can’t talk you out of it. I tried everything I could think of, apart from tying you up and locking you in a closet.”

             
He smiled, apparently amused by the thought. “Then what did you want, love?” Inside the hard edges melted. He’d never called me “love”
before.

             
“I want—I—I want…”

             
He gently nudged my arm. “Come on, just say it.”

             
I let the words fall out. “I want you to kiss me.”

             
His eyes grew into the size of ping-pong balls. “What?”

             
I swallowed twice. “I think you heard me.”

             
“
I
want to kiss you, September, more than anything. Believe me. I’ve wanted to for days. But it wouldn’t be fair. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.”

             
“Please. I love you. This is torture.” Now at the very top of the Ferris wheel, my hope peaked. I pleaded with Adrien with my eyes. His lips seemed to have a lunar pull on mine. His face was sheer heaven in the moonlight. The view around us didn’t compare to the boy sitting beside me.

             
He whispered, “I wasn’t planning this. I didn’t think I’d fall so hard—so deeply in love with you.”