Pictures of Perfection (16 page)

The shed door was suddenly slammed with great force. They heard the hasp being rammed home. And before they could move or even utter their outrage, the grimy window pane was shattered, admitting a flood of dazzling daylight, the barrel
of a shotgun and the somewhat paradoxical series of commands, ‘Now listen in, you blighters, down on the ground, hands in the air, and don’t move a finger or I’ll blow your heads off!’

‘I feel happy in having a friend to save me from the ill effect of such a blunder.’

Their rescue came almost as quickly as the attack, which was perhaps just as well for the future of civilization as Pascoe knew it, or at least that part represented by Squire Guillemard.

Dalziel had fallen sideways as if in obedience to the first clause of the paralogical command, but once out of sight of the person at the window he bounced up silently and murderously with the wood axe in his hand, clearly intent on severing the gun barrel from its stock, and as much of its owner’s arms from his torso as he could manage.

After that Pascoe did not doubt but that the Fat Man would have run through the wooden wall of the shed to complete the amputative process.

As it was, a sharply upraised female voice crying, ‘Grunk! What are you doing?’ was followed by the immediate withdrawal of the gun and the almost simultaneous opening of the door.

Pascoe, recognizing the voice, was the first to step cautiously into the sunlight. A few feet away he saw Frances Harding with one restraining arm
round Selwyn Guillemard’s waist and the other forcing the shotgun barrel downwards.

The weapon jerked spasmodically as Dalziel emerged, and it took all the girl’s strength to maintain it at a safe angle. On the whole, Pascoe found his sympathies with Selwyn here, for the sight of Dalziel furioso, or perhaps more precisely furiosant, for there was certainly more of the mad bull than the enraged hero in his looks, was enough to set a conchie reaching for his rifle.

‘You!’ he snarled, striding towards the old man. ‘Put that gun on the ground else I’ll chop it in half!’

‘Steady on,’ protested the Squire. ‘It’s a Purdey.’

‘I don’t care if it’s Prince Philip’s prick, put it down in one piece else I’ll put it down in two.’

Perhaps feeling that one capable of such lèse-majesté was not going to show much respect for the person of a mere country squire, the old man carefully laid the weapon on the grass.

Dalziel hurled the axe between Guillemard’s feet with a force that buried the head several inches into the turf, scooped up the shotgun and broke it in a single movement.

It was unloaded.

‘He wasn’t going to fire it,’ protested Fran Harding indignantly, then rather weakened her moral position by adding, ‘We don’t let him have any cartridges.’

Pascoe decided it was time for introductions.

‘Sir,’ he said. ‘This is Mr Selwyn Guillemard, who owns Old Hall. And this is Miss Harding, his great-niece. Squire, this is Detective-Superintendent Dalziel of the Mid-Yorkshire CID.’

The Squire, though giving the general impression of being shorter of marbles than the Parthenon, had no difficulty in taking this in.

‘Oh Lord. Bobbies,’ he said. ‘Met you before, haven’t I?’

‘Yes, sir,’ said Pascoe. ‘I called earlier.’

‘Yes. Thought you looked a bit familiar when I saw you breaking in, but after Aunt Edwina, my mind was very much on burglars. And that bleeding fellow’s one of yours too, is he?’

This seemed an unnecessarily rude way of referring to Wield until Pascoe glanced round. A sliver of flying glass must have caught the Sergeant’s left ear-lobe which was gushing like a punctured wine-skin.

‘Wieldy, you all right?’ asked Pascoe anxiously.

‘Fine,’ said Wield phlegmatically, applying an already sodden handkerchief.

‘We really ought to stop that bleeding,’ said Frances.

‘Nay, lass, a good blood-letting never harmed anyone,’ said Dalziel dismissively. ‘And he’s not lost as much as ’ud make a good black pudding.’

But Frances Harding was not to be overfaced.

‘Will you be all right, Grunk?’ she said to her great-uncle.

‘Of course, my dear. You run along and stitch the
fellow’s ear back on. Can’t have the place looking like Gethsemane.’

The girl offered the Squire’s arm to Pascoe, who gingerly took it. Then she went to Wield and after a brief examination of the cut urged him towards the house despite his evident reluctance.

‘Trained nurse, you know,’ said the Squire with proprietorial pride. ‘And eats like a sparrow.’

So. Another surprise from the passerine Miss Harding. Or perhaps not. Even when they ate like birds, poor relatives were probably expected to sing a varied repertoire for their supper.

‘Now, sir,’ said Dalziel, whose rage had vanished like a politician’s principles in the face of altered circumstances. ‘I’d like a quick word, if I may. We’ll let the other matter go, shall we? Genuine misunderstanding.’

The Squire shot a glance to second slip as if in search of guidance.

‘Very well,’ he said. ‘I shan’t bring any charges. But you really ought to get permission before you start breaking into a fellow’s property.’

Pascoe watched to see if this legal one-upmanship would continue, but Dalziel was not a man to lose sight of the main object for long. A patient man, he reckoned that once you’d got what you’d come for, there’d still be a lot of time to kick the other bugger in the balls.

‘Sorry about that,’ he said. ‘But you weren’t about. I believe you are a chum of Tommy Winter’s, sir.’

‘That’s right. You know him, do you? Yes, I suppose you would. Run off to the West Indies with the mess funds, your chappie here was telling me.’

‘Was he now,’ said Dalziel. ‘Well, we like to keep these little upsets in the family. What I wanted to talk about was this letter you wrote to Tommy. About Constable Bendish.’

‘He did get it, then? Good. Took his time about replying, I must say. So what are you going to do? Sweep it under the carpet, eh?’

‘We take the matter very seriously, sir, believe me,’ said Dalziel. ‘So you’ll understand if I ask you a few questions, just to make sure we’ve got the facts straight.’

‘Help with inquiries sort of thing, you mean? I’m with you. Fire away.’

Pascoe closed his eyes and wondered how in a world full of politicians, prelates, insurance salesmen, alternative comedians, and Dalziel, evolution had failed to come up with a closable ear.

‘Right. First off, what was the weather like?’

Pascoe opened his eyes.

‘Weather? Let me see. Yes, I’ve got it. Sunny, I recall he was silhouetted against the sun. Had to squint a bit to make out who it was.’

‘Yes, I see. Excuse me, sir, but I wonder, could you tell me what kind of bird that is? Sorry to change the subject but it’s an interest of mine.’

Dalziel pointed upwards. Pascoe strained his eyes to glimpse the object of this hitherto unsuspected ornithological interest circling high to the north.

The Squire said, ‘Buzzard. Useful Johnny for clearing up carrion. Excellent eyesight. Like mine. That satisfy you, Dalziel?’

Stark bonkers he might be, but he was no fool, this Squire.

‘Thank you, Squire,’ said Dalziel, inflecting the word ambiguously so that it fell between feudal address and saloon bar familiarity. ‘Warm sun, was it?’

‘Hardly, man. It was the middle of winter. Sharp wind coming over the moor if I recall.’

‘What we used to call crinkle-ball weather, eh?’

‘Long time since I heard that. But yes. Only in this case …’

‘Yes, sir?’ prompted Dalziel.

‘Fellow didn’t seem to be very crinkled to me. On the contrary. Rigid above and swinging free. Lots of it too. No shortage of coupons when he got his meat ration. Is any of this significant? I mean, are these clues or something?’

‘Could be,’ said Dalziel. ‘So what happened?’

‘He jumped down out of sight.’

‘And what did you do, sir?’

‘Me?’

‘Yes, sir. Today when you saw what you thought were odd goings-on around your walled garden, you came belting over here like the Fifth Cavalry.’

‘Well, I didn’t do that for three very good reasons. One, I was in the conservatory and by the time I got me woollies on, he would probably have been long gone. Two, even if he wasn’t, what could
I say? You chaps probably go on courses which tell you how to deal with fellows flaunting their tackle, but I’ve led a sheltered life.’

‘You said there were three reasons?’

‘Oh yes. It was time for me tea. But I got to thinking about it, and I thought: It’s not on, this fellow exposing himself all over the place. Could give that little girl of Hogbin’s down at the Lodge a nasty turn. Or even young Fran.’

‘I thought you said Miss Harding had trained as a nurse, sir?’

‘What? Oh yes. Take your meaning. But it’s not the same when it’s in the line of duty. Like a wife. Bound to get the odd glimpse but doesn’t want the thing flaunted at the breakfast table. So I sat down and wrote to Winter. Thought he should know what his troops were up to.’

‘And you were quite right, sir,’ said Dalziel unctuously. ‘Now you just leave it to us. You said something about being worried by burglars earlier.’

‘Did I? Wouldn’t surprise me.’

‘About your Aunt Edwina, I think it was. She’s been having bother, has she?’

The old man laughed, putting Pascoe in mind of those eerie fragmentary bugle notes Mahler was so fond of.

‘Can’t say what kind of bother Edwina’s having, but I doubt it’s from burglars. Must be nigh on sixty years since she got carried down Green Alley. It’s her picture I meant.’

‘And it’s been stolen?’

‘Thought it had. Noticed the gap. Took me a bit of time to get used to not noticing it, if you know what I mean, so I noticed it all the more because it’s not long since I got used to noticing it wasn’t there any more. You with me?’

Was he taking the piss? wondered Pascoe. If so, he was doing it too well for Dalziel to risk a confrontation.

‘If you could mebbe be just a little clearer?’ said the Fat Man.

The Squire said, ‘It’s simple really. Girlie said Fran needed a sitting-room of her own. Funny ideas these women get. And I said, all right, because she was a nice child, and very hardy considering the size of her, hardly ever needed a fire lit. So Girlie gave her Frances’s old room.’

‘Another Frances?’

‘My sister. Fran’s grandmother. She moved out, you know, to marry the Vicar. Took her pictures. They were her own, not the family’s. Edwina had left them to her, you see. So she was entitled even though they did leave gaps.’

‘The gaps you got used to?’

‘That’s right. Till Edwina came back.’

For a moment Pascoe thought they were deep in Corpse Cottage country.

‘Her portrait, you mean,’ said Dalziel.

‘That’s right. That blighter Halavant … do you know the man? You chaps ought to take a close look at him. Peasant family, ne’er-do-wells, not
two pennies to rub together, then suddenly they’re rolling in the stuff. Can’t have got it honestly, that stands to reason. But he acted decently here, I must say. His father, Job, had got hold of Edwina somehow and said on his deathbed she had to go back, so Halavant sent her round. No great loss to him or gain to young Fran, really. She was no oil painting, not even when she was, if you follow me.’

‘And this was the painting you thought was stolen?’ asked Pascoe.

‘Haven’t I just told ’em that?’ said the Squire, glancing towards second slip in exasperation. ‘I popped in to see Fran on my way to bed last night, only she wasn’t there. And nor was Edwina. I thought: Hello, you were gone when I came back …’

‘Back?’ said Pascoe. ‘From where?’

‘New Zealand, of course. ‘Thirty-two or-three. Frances had gone off with the Vicar by then – I thought I explained all this!’

‘Ignore the lad, sir,’ advised Dalziel. ‘He’s a bit slow.’

‘Know the type. Good NCO material, but no grasp of strategy. Where was I? Oh yes. Edwina. I thought … then you came back by yourself …’

‘By herself?’ said Pascoe faintly.

‘Yes,’ said the Squire as if to an idiot child. ‘Not with Frances.’

‘There was another picture? Of your sister?’

‘Don’t be an ass! Great-great-something Frances.
Now she was a bobby-dazzler. Probably gave Edwina the idea of having herself done. Thought a bit of nifty brushwork could make up for what nature left out. Never works. If God had wanted us perfect, we’d have all been manufactured in Japan!’

Dalziel’s stomach rumbled like an underground train.

‘You hungry?’ said the Squire. ‘Pop round to the kitchen, say I said you could have some scraps.’

Dalziel smiled a saurian smile.

‘Kind of you, sir. Just to get this sorted first, you didn’t report it to the local police by any chance, did you?’

‘To young thingie with the dong? Didn’t want him back up here, did I? No, I went to bed. Mentioned it to Girlie at breakfast this morning. She went off to look, came back and said Edwina was still there where she’d always been, except when she wasn’t, of course. So there you are, all a dream, I expect. Can’t hang around here all day talking about dreams, can I? Work to do. Get some of my best ideas on the move. Wordsworth was the same, you know, used to walk around composing.’

He picked up the Purdey and, using it as a walking stick, tottered off towards the woods which lined the river.

‘What do you make of that, sir?’ asked Pascoe.

‘Composing, he says? Looks more like decomposing to me,’ said Dalziel. ‘But nice neat little feet these Guillemard men have got, haven’t they?’

Uncertain whether the reference was to prosody or cordwainery, Pascoe didn’t reply.

‘Not to worry,’ said Dalziel. ‘Let’s go and see about these kitchen scraps, shall we?’

‘I dare say she was nothing but an innocent Country Girl.’

‘It really needs a stitch,’ said Fran Harding.

‘Does it? Well, it’ll have to wait,’ said Wield.

‘I could do it,’ the girl offered diffidently. ‘It’s OK. I wouldn’t be using a sewing kit, I’ve got the proper gear.’

‘Have you now? How come?’

‘After I finished my training, jobs were hard to find where I wanted them and Girlie said, why didn’t I stay on here to look after the Squire?’

‘The old gent seems like he can look after himself,’ said Wield drily.

‘He’s frailer than he looks, and he’s got … various things wrong with him. He doesn’t need a full-time nurse by any means, but having one on the spot puts off the time when he will need one, if you follow. At least that’s what Girlie said. And I said yes, because I love it here. Anyway, the point is, I’ve got my own medical store with everything for emergencies. So I can put a stitch in if you like. You’d need to see a doctor about anti-tetanus, though.’

‘That’s all right. My jabs are up to date,’ said Wield. ‘OK, luv. Go ahead.’

She led him upstairs to a small sitting-room comfortably furnished with a couple of old armchairs, a writing bureau, and a few pictures on the walls. She left him here and went off into an adjacent room, returning with a well-stocked medical bag. The stitch took a few seconds to put in, hardly hurt at all and looked a neat, efficient job.

‘That’s grand,’ said Wield. ‘Right professional.’

‘Thank you,’ she said, smiling with pleasure.

He smiled back and said, ‘I were looking at your grandma’s journal before.’

Her expression changed to one of such alarm he hastily added, ‘No, it were more Caddy Scudamore’s picture I were looking at,’ but that didn’t seem to improve matters either.

‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I wasn’t prying but I happened to notice it when I was round at Mr Digweed’s, and I know it’s not out yet, but it is going to be published, isn’t it?’

‘What? Oh yes. Of course. Just some extracts. It was Larry, that’s the Vicar, who found it when he was sorting out some old papers in the vicarage. Grandma used to live there, you know, she married Mr Harding, and the journal must have got left behind when they went abroad …’

Something (relief perhaps, though for what?) was making her garrulous. First rule of interrogation was, if you get ’em talking, go with the flow whatever direction it takes. This wasn’t an interrogation but the principle held.

‘Abroad? Where was that?’

‘Africa. That’s where my mother was born.’

‘Africa? You mean, like missionaries? That must have been a change from Enscombe!’

‘I suppose so. But they couldn’t stay on here … well, the family didn’t approve of the marriage, and in those days if there was a row between the church and the Hall, it was the vicar who went.’

‘When your mum were born, didn’t that help mend matters?’

‘If it had been a boy, it might have done, I suppose. But they didn’t rate girls.’

‘Not unless they wanted to marry someone from the hoi polloi,’ said Wield. ‘How did the present Squire react? He must have been your gran’s brother?’

‘He wasn’t around when it all blew up. I think he was in New Zealand or somewhere and by the time he came home, they’d gone out to Africa. His younger brother, Guy, was here, but he seems to have taken the family line.’

‘That ’ud be the present Guy’s grandfather?’

‘Yes.’

‘Ah,’ said Wield non-committally, but not so much so that there wasn’t a moment’s silent sympathy between them.

‘And did your gran ever get back here?’ he resumed.

‘No. She died in Africa. They both did.’

‘And your mum?’

‘She was sixteen or seventeen, she wrote to tell them back here what had happened. There
was no reply. The Squire, our Squire, found the letter a couple of years later when he inherited, and he wrote off straightaway, but she’d moved on by then and by the time the letter finally caught up with her, she was having too good a time in London in the ’sixties to pay it any heed.’

‘So how did you get here?’ he asked.

‘Mum was in her thirties when she had me. A mistake maybe. Or maybe she wanted something a bit more permanent than anything else she’d got out of the past few years. I never knew who my father was. I’m not sure if she did. But she looked after me as best she could which was a lot better than she looked after herself. When I was nine she knew she was dying of cancer. She wrote a letter to the Squire saying I would be arriving on such and such a train, packed my things, took me to the station, put me aboard, and kissed me goodbye. Girlie met me at the other end. By the time they traced Mum to the hospital she’d been admitted to, she was dead.’

It was a moving story, and though Wield found himself stumped for a response it certainly deserved a better one than it got, which was the eruption of Dalziel into the room saying, ‘Now then, take my eyes off him for a second and he’s off upstairs with the prettiest lass in the house. By God, that’s neat, Sergeant. Have you ever thought of an ear-ring?’

‘We’ve been looking for the kitchen,’ said Pascoe
apologetically. ‘The Squire offered some refreshment.’

‘Aye, scraps from the gentry’s table are a feast to us common folk,’ said Dalziel. ‘Which is Aunt Edwina, then?’

There wasn’t much contest as there was only one portrait amid a host of watercolour landscapes. It was a competent rather than striking painting of a lively rather than beautiful woman, in a handsome oval frame, and signed with the initials R.D. at one side.

The three detectives stood before it and studied it with the judicious interest of a Royal Academy selection committee.

Pascoe was struck by an odd sense of familiarity. Wield was musing on the initials. Dalziel was concentrating on the wall.

Fran said, ‘Look, if you’re really hungry, I’m sure we could rustle up something.’

As she spoke she ushered them firmly towards the door.

Wield, unfed since breakfast, was far from loath. Pascoe, recalling how the tea he’d been offered earlier had been snatched from his lips, was cautiously hopeful. Only Dalziel, usually a tiger on the trail of food, was uncharacteristically reluctant.

But even he was unable to resist the gentle pressure applied by the girl to get them out of her room.

But as they descended the stairs they were greeted by Girlie who said, ‘Don’t know if it
concerns any of you lot, but there’s a car talking to itself out there.’

They went outside and found Dalziel’s radio crackling his call sign impatiently.

The Fat Man slid into the driver’s seat and admitted his presence. He was told the Chief Constable would appreciate a phone call from him. He looked at his watch. It was past four. Plenty of time for Desperate Dan’s macho brandy to have been diluted by Mid-Yorkshire’s notoriously bromide tea.

‘Right,’ he said.

He got out of the car. Girlie was standing in the doorway, presumably in the hope of seeing them off the premises. He went towards her and said, ‘Is that a phone round your neck, luv, or do you make your own jewellery?’

Without a word, she unhooked the instrument and handed it over. He walked away from them all, dialling, but if this was in the interest of confidentiality, he’d have needed to walk for another ten minutes to render his side of the conversation inaudible.

‘Hello, sir … Aye, it’s me … What? … Oh, that. Group O? Forty-six per cent of the population, nose bleed, gave a lift to a kiddy that had cut its knee, hundred explanations … That’s why I came out myself, to be sure … Aye, I’ve not forgotten the Area Liaison meeting tonight … on my way back now … Mr Pascoe too … no, Sergeant Wield’s spending the night here … at
the cottage … the lad’s not due on duty till eight in the morning … likely he’ll turn up right as a trivet, and the Sergeant’ll be there to greet him … Well, if he doesn’t, we’ll have to think again, won’t we? … ’Bye now.’

He returned and handed back the phone to Girlie.

‘Thanks, luv,’ he said, and to Fran standing behind her cousin, ‘Sorry we can’t stay for that grub. Some other time mebbe?’

The two women withdrew into the house.

‘Right,’ said Dalziel. ‘Peter, you hop in and we’ll pick up your car on our way through the village. Wield, you can walk down to the cottage. Do you good, a bit of exercise. You look to me like you’ve been eating too much.’

‘Yes, sir. Sir, why precisely am I spending the night at Corpse Cottage?’

‘What’s up? You’ve not got something better to do? Don’t answer that. Nay, lad, it’s just that I’m not sure what’s going off around here, but if owt else happens, I’d like to think there were someone handy who’s not completely doolally. Right?’

‘Right,’ said Wield unenthusiastically.

‘One thing, but,’ said Dalziel through the car window.

‘Yes?’

‘Gets dark about half-six at this time of year, doesn’t it? I’d make sure you were locked up indoors with a cross round your neck and a clove of garlic up your jacksie! Take care!’

And with his laughter echoing back from the ivied front of Old Hall, Dalziel sent the car lurching out of sight round the curve of the bosky drive, and left the village to darkness and to Wield.