Picture Perfect (27 page)

She looked deeply uncomfortable with the way the discussion was going and that made me feel like shit.  My thought process was a complete blur of random thoughts and worst-case scenarios. 
Was this just a transitional relationship for her?  Was a long-term commitment not what she wanted?  Did she want to break up with me? 

It felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart when it occurred to me that she might feel like she had to stay with me in order to keep her job and the thought made me ill.

“Oh, my God, Tess… you don’t think that if you break up with me that you’ll lose your job, do you?  Is that why you haven’t told me that you’re unhappy?”

Every ounce of color in her face drained away as she shook her head at me.  “No! Flynn, Jesus, NO.  That’s not what I’m saying.  Please, don’t ever think that.  I’m
not
unhappy right now at all.  In fact, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.  I’m just saying that we’re new to this and the future is unwritten. It’s too soon to start talking about neighborhoods and houses. 
If
we’re still together at the end of the tour, we can talk about it then, if you still want to.  No pressure between now and then, we’ll just see how this plays out.  Let’s just wait and see, okay?”

No.  It was definitely
not
okay.  Now I knew that she wasn’t in this with me, not really.  I saw Tessa as my entire future, but to her I was just a chapter in her life story, a bit of filler that would fade away to nothing. 

I wasn’t about to become some kind of stalker asshole, so I just nodded and agreed with her.  “Sure Tessa, that’s okay.  We’ll just wait… and see.”

Mentally I was kicking my own ass for being so fucking stupid that I’d rolled out the red carpet for her and invited her into every aspect of my life when the truth was that she didn’t want us to be anything significant. 

I should have been more cautious, should have guarded my heart.  The damage was done at this point though, and all I could do was find a way not to feel like I had been ripped open and torn apart.

I’d been excited about going to Delilah and
Brooke’s wedding when the invitation had been extended, but now I was miserable.  Flynn had been working like a maniac for days and I’d barely seen him.  He left early, he came home late, and he hadn’t touched me at all- even when we were sleeping.  He slept on one side and I slept on the other, and it felt like the Grand Canyon was between us. We’d gone from having sex at least two or three times a day to not touching at all.  I’d had my period for a few days and had planned to tell him that I was out of commission, but since he never spoke to or touched me, I never needed to.

Last
Friday, he made an excuse about needing to do something with the record company that he and the band had formed in order to get out of having to spend the afternoon with me taking his photo.   

I knew,
of course I knew
, that he was pissed at me about my reticence to be enthusiastic about his home building plan, but really… how could I be?  It would be beyond careless of me emotionally to allow myself to believe that our future was assured when the facts were that it wasn’t. 

My photo shoots with the rest of the band had ranged from fun (Gavin),
to scary (Tyson) to sad (Cole), and each of them had taken the time to tell me that they were worried about Flynn, which made me feel horrible.

I’d asked management to have the guys take me to their favorite places for their photo shoots. On Monday, Gavin had taken me to
Zuma beach to take pictures of him surfing.  Gavin was known for being incredibly intense, but I found him to be extremely calm and very thoughtful.  During our time at the beach he told me that he’d gotten into surfing a few years ago as a way to channel his demons.  I don’t know his story, but the surfing definitely has him calm.  He calls surfing his moments of Zen, and it’s very clear that it’s working.

Gavin was a fairly quiet guy, but at the end of the day he’d asked me if he could speak freely.  After I nodded, he said, “Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Flynn, but he went from being the happiest I’ve ever seen him to acting like he’s a funeral director.  I don’t expect you to tell me anything, but I’m telling you- I’ve never seen him hurting before, but he is now.  Whatever you’re doing… please, think it through.  You seem nice and I can’t imagine you being
cruel on purpose, but you’re hurting him.  I just thought you should know that.”

I’d tried to assure him that I wasn’t doing anything to Flynn, but the look he gave me indicated that he thought I was full of shit.

Tuesday I’d gone out with Tyson, and he had taken me flying in his small plane.  It had been one thing to be on the ground taking photos, but being in the air in the tiny plane had me almost in full vapor lock.  He talked to me about Flynn after I finished taking pictures while we were in the air.  His logic seemed to be that I was a captive audience and he had things to say.

“I don’t know you
, but what I
do
know is that my friend went from being happier than I’ve ever seen him to being a fucking robot.  I personally think he should kick your ass to the curb because you’re making him fucking miserable, but when I said that to him he almost beat my face in.  Your timing fucking sucks and I think it’s selfish as shit that you’re doing
whatever
it is that you are to him right now.  Do you even care that he can barely make it through a rehearsal because he’s so out of it that he can’t remember the fuckin’ words to our songs? I’m not saying Flynn’s a fucking saint, but I know him well enough to know that if he
could
fix whatever it is that’s broken, he would.  The fact that he can’t do that tells me that the problem is you.  My suggestion is to get your head out of your ass or leave him the fuck alone.  I’m sorry because I know that’s blunt, but believe me, life is too fucking short for bullshit and drama, and where my friends are concerned, I speak my mind. He deserves better than to be some bitch’s emotional punching bag.  I admit that I don’t know if you’re a bitch or not, but right now, I really don’t give a shit.  All I see is that you’re hurting my friend.”

So much for Leah’s assertion that Gavin was the scary one and Tyson was the beautiful one.  Tyson
was
beautiful, but he was also too blunt for comfort.  It was clear that he took his friendships very seriously, and he felt strongly about speaking up.  I could respect that, even though I felt attacked.

“Tyson, I don’t know where you got this impression of me but I’m not… I’m not doing anything to him, I promise you that.  I’m not jerking him around and I’m not trying to make him miserable.  It’s breaking my heart that he’s so disconnected, but I’m not making any headway in bringing him back.  I’m not going to stop trying to get him back to normal. If you believe nothing else that I say, believe this; I feel very strong about Flynn and I don’t see him as my emotional punching bag.  I would never do that to him.”

Other than saying goodbye and telling me he assumed that he would see me on tour, Tyson didn’t say another word.

As awkward as that was, being with Cole was worse.  He’d taken me to a dive bar in the neighborhood that he and Flynn had grown up in.  Management had arranged it so that we were the only people in the bar, and Cole had gotten onto the tiny stage where Renegade Saints had played for the first time and began to strum out a song.  He explained that he’d chosen the bar as his favorite place because it was a reminder of a time when things were easier and more innocent.

When we had finished shooting, he gestured to a table and asked me to sit with him.  I knew right away what was coming and my stomach sank.

“First, I want to tell you that I like you Tessa, and I really had hoped that things between you and Flynn were going to go all the way.  I know that Gavin and Tyson already talked to you, and I want to apologize if Tyson in particular upset you.  He doesn’t pull punches, but he wasn’t trying to be cruel
, even if it seemed that way at the time.  He’s had to deal with a lot of shit that most people don’t understand and it’s made him tough.”

He paused for a moment as he fiddled with a coaster th
at was on the table before saying, “I don’t know what’s going on with you and Flynn and that scares me.  I’ve known him since we were babies and I’ve always known everything what’s happening with him.  For the first time ever, he’s gone silent.  When I ask him what’s happening, he clams up and says he can’t talk about.  While he was with you and things were good, I saw Flynn completely content in a way I haven’t since before his mother died.”

Again there was a pause, but this time I saw that Cole was choked up.  After clearing his throat, he started talking again.  “Rachel Rand was my second mother and I adored her.  She was amazing, the very best type of person because she cared and
she lived life to the fullest. Her world revolved around her husband, her son, her family and her friends.  Flynn’s incredibly close to his father, but when she was alive, he was a mama’s boy.  He and Rachel were joined at the hip, and losing her changed his entire life.  Stories about Rachel and Todd’s courtship have become part of the family folklore, and Flynn always maintained that if he couldn’t find what his parents had, he wasn’t going to bother.”

Looking up at me, he stared me dead in the eye.  “Whatever he was looking for, he found it with you.  I’ve put in a lifetime alongside him and I knew right away that
you
were his Rachel.  At least I knew that until he showed up to rehearsal last week looking like he’d been stabbed in the heart.  In twenty-nine years I’ve seen my brother completely gutted twice.  The first time was when his mother died and the second was last week.  I don’t know the details of what happened, but what I do know is that Flynn wouldn’t look or act the way he is if he believed that your relationship had a chance.  And since I know what he wanted from you, I know that means that whatever is happening is a choice that you made.  I hate to put it out like this, but I see Flynn as my brother and I can’t watch him suffer and say nothing.  If you don’t want him, let him go.  He doesn’t deserve whatever’s happening.”

I’d tried to plead my case, but Cole told me that wasn’t what he wanted at all.  Smiling sadly at me he said, “If you’re going to talk, then you need to talk to him.”

By the time I got home that day, I was so depressed I could barely function.  Flynn didn’t come home until after two in the morning that night, so I never had to pretend to be okay.  I was up when he came to bed, but I stayed silent.  The worst part was that I knew that he was aware that I was awake, but he said nothing.

Cole’s words were always on my mind, but I didn’t know how to go forward.  Flynn avoided me like I had the plague and I was scared to put myself out there for fear that I’d be pushed away.

I had been waiting for him to get beyond that conversation that we’d had, but I was petrified that he wasn’t going to.  The drive out to Malibu for the wedding passed in almost dead silence.  Anything that he said was monosyllabic at best, and I didn’t know what I could do to get him to be present again.  It had only been a few days, but it felt like months had passed by.

Seeing his family again was bittersweet.  I’d come to really care about
each and every one of them, and I knew that with the way things between Flynn and I were falling apart, I’d not be seeing them much, if at all, in the future.

Delilah and Brooke looked amazing in their wedding dresses, both of them so full of joy and certainty in their future with the men that they loved that it was hard to look at.
Delilah had an extra glow about her because she was pregnant.  The contented air that she had and the way she smiled serenely as everyone around her was a flurry of activity to get everything ready told it’s own story about what it felt like to have your dreams come true.               

The wedding was heart-touchingly beautiful.  Dante and Sabrina gave Brooke away, while Todd and Sandra gave Delilah away.  I hadn’t been expecting that, and it made me cry.  It was so beautiful that Delilah had included her father, and I knew it had to mean the world to Todd.

When it came time to declare who gave Brooke to Damien, Dante and Sabrina said that they did.  Then it was time to declare who gave Delilah to Spencer and Damien, Dante, Sandra and Todd all indicated that they did.  Sylvia was seated right next to me, and she was crying her eyes out.  It didn’t escape me that Mason was choked up as well. 

Both couples had chosen to write their own vows, and there wasn’t a dry eye to be found as they pledged themselves to each other.  Reaching over, I took Flynn’s hand in mine and squeezed.  The block of ice that was the love of my life didn’t squeeze back, and I pulled my hand away as I held in the sound of my soul ripping apart.

The rest of the night was passing in a blur, everyone eating and dancing to the songs that the DJ was spinning. I was in the dumps, but I think I did a good job hiding it.  At least I did enough to ward off people asking questions, but I did notice that Dillon and Dominique seemed off as well, so maybe that was keeping the attention off of me.

When it came time for the traditional first dance, I was stunned to see Flynn step forward with an acoustic guitar.  I’d had no idea that was going to sing.

Apparently, I was the only one that didn’t know because it was clear that no one else showed surprise.  We all assembled around the small dance floor that had been set up under an open-air tent in the sand and applauded as he took a seat on a stool and adjusted the mic in front of him.