Picks & Pucks (9 page)

Janae stared at me as I gingerly warmed up. A blush started at my toes and sent smoke out the tips of my hair when I squeaked on a takeoff for a simple double flip. The feeling of him moving in me made me forget what I was doing, and I ended up with my ass on the ice.

“Shit,” I swore under my breath.

“Justin? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, lost concentration,” I said and sprang to my feet. I was almost positive she didn’t want me to tell her a twinge went up my body the moment I flexed certain muscles. The rest of the practice went okay. I had to remind myself to ignore the soreness in my ass. I didn’t need my sister asking questions.

At dinner, Danny sat next to me with his thigh pressed up against mine. I didn’t dare look at him. It was only one night, so when I crawled into bed, I expected to spend the night alone. The creak of my bedroom door startled me, but I was even more stunned when Danny quietly climbed into my bed and went to sleep. I woke up with him clinging tightly to me. He murmured against my skin, and I shifted in his arms, turning to face him. His dick rubbed against mine, and he groaned loudly when I licked my hand and jerked us off.

It continued like this for a little over a week. We only communicated in broken sentences and whispered names.

O
NE
BRIGHT
,
sunny morning, with the light spilling into my room, I rolled over, expecting to feel the warmth from his body. I searched, but found nothing except the cool sheets. I glanced at the clock and sighed. I’d slept in, so maybe he had left on his morning run. A scraping noise from the hallway made my gut clench, and my world collapsed a little when I opened the door. He stood at the top of the stairs with his luggage.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

He took a deep breath before he looked at me. “One of Kirk’s roommates quit school to get married, so a room opened up.”

The demons sat on my shoulders, pressing down on me and making it difficult to breathe. “Oh,” I said.

“You gonna miss me, sugar?” Danny asked, slipping into his cocky hockey-player persona.

“No,” I snapped, scowling at him. I could easily write him off when he acted like an asshole.

He sighed and picked up his suitcases, then dragged them down the stairs.

“Danny,” I said quietly. Maybe being honest with him would make the demons quit trying to suffocate me.

He stopped, keeping his back to me.

“I always miss you,” I said.

“Me too, Justin. Me too,” he whispered. He didn’t turn around until he had the front door open. Watery blue eyes met mine, and it took all my concentration not to jump down the stairs. He took a deep breath and slowly mouthed the words I had so desperately needed to hear a year ago. “I love you.” He paused. “No matter where you are or who you are with, never forget that.”

The front door shut, and the demons swooped down, smothering me with broken promises and unfulfilled dreams. I fought them off, ran to the window, and watched him toss his luggage into his car and wishing with all my soul he would come back inside. He paused, and my heart skipped a beat, but eventually he climbed into the driver’s seat. He looked defeated. My entire body ached for him, but I knew it wasn’t going to change anything. He was leaving again.

“Be happy, Danny,” I murmured. “A part of me will always be yours.” And as much as it hurt, I let him go. The demons gasped, and several floated out the window and sank into his car. It was his turn to live with them.

I
WISH
I could say letting him go didn’t upset me, but I would be lying. Even though I had told myself it was only sex, it wasn’t. The only comforting thought was that Danny felt it too. Over the next few days we bumped into each other at the arena a few times, and he looked like he hadn’t slept since he moved out.

We shared a few fleeting glances, but it hurt too much to look at him. Everyone around me knew I was off-balance. I managed to keep conversations with my dad short. He tried to ask me what was going on, but I waved him off, using training as an excuse for my exhaustion.

Janae didn’t ask me questions. The sad look in her eyes was enough of an acknowledgement. She knew something had happened with Danny. I didn’t have the strength to confirm or deny.

The night after Danny left, Eli came over for dinner. I tried to eat, but all I could do was stare at Danny’s empty chair. Keeping my head down, I grumbled about a headache, went upstairs, and crawled into bed. Tucked under my pillow was the Red Wings T-shirt. I draped it over my face. He had worn it a few times, so it still carried his scent.

Eli sent me a short text. It was nothing but a question mark. I responded with a frowny face. It was good enough for now.

Things weren’t much better on the ice. I tried throwing myself into my workouts, but the memories would overrun my brain. After several days of missed jumps, off-tempo footwork, and general dullness, Janae pulled me off the ice and forced me to sit on the bench.

“Marina will be here in five days. You need to get your shit together. I don’t care how you do it. Talk to Eli, talk to me, talk to the fucking wall, but get it out. It’s poison,” she said and skated away.

She was right. Drowning in thoughts of Danny was poisonous, and I needed to cleanse my brain of him. I waited until I was in the locker room before I called Eli. He promised to meet me at my house in one hour. I set the alarm on my phone.

I’d tried to wash away any evidence of my breakdown, but my eyes were red and puffy, with dark circles lining them. Unless I kept a bag over my head, he was going to know I’d been crying and not sleeping.

After considering the use of Janae’s makeup, I rolled my eyes. I had a right to be upset, and I was going to tell Eli my troubles, not hide them from him.

“What’s going on?” he asked immediately when he walked into my room. He stopped abruptly and cocked his head. “You’re wearing a hockey T-shirt.”

I stared at him for a few minutes, shifting uncomfortably as I tried to hold everything inside. The moment he sat down and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, the dam broke and I spilled everything about Danny—except his name. Even after everything he’d done, I was still protecting him.

“Oh, Justin, he wasn’t worth it then, and he’s not worth it now,” Eli said. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but Danny Jackson has got to be the stupidest shithead on the planet. He should be the one begging to stay with you.”

I gasped. “How did you know it was him?”

“You’re my best friend. I know you. I think I knew the moment it started, and the moment it ended the first time around. I waited for you to talk to me, but instead, you left town. I guess I really don’t understand why you let it happen again.”

I buried my face into his neck. “Because I’m the stupidest shithead on the planet, not him. I told myself it was only a fuck, but it brought back everything, and then the prick stayed the night.”

Eli spat out some creative curse words, but I stopped him.

“I think I needed it. People always talk about closure. I didn’t get it last time around. He blew me off, acted like we didn’t happen. And like you said, I left town.”

“How can this be good? You’re upset,” Eli said.

“Of course I’m upset. I loved the bastard, and then he has to go and say it. He’s never said it before.”

“So? What now?”

“Now, it’s just over. And I should be happy, because my brain knows it’s the right choice. But goddammit, it still hurts. I can’t seem to reason with my heart.”

Eli stroked my hair, leaning back against the headboard of my bed, pulling me with him. It felt good to be held, even if it was only a friendly hug.

“You can talk about him,” Eli said.

“I don’t want to talk about him anymore. I came back here to face my demons. He was one of them,” I said. “I loved him and he loved me, but in the end, it wasn’t enough.”

“You’re a strong man, Justin,” Eli said.

“No, I’m not. I’m just tired of running away from everything.”

“You have a bad habit of going for the wrong guy,” he said.

“I don’t have time for guys right now. Marina will be here on Monday, and she is going to own my ass for the next six months.”

“She scares me.” Eli shuddered. He had met Marina Kirolova when he came out to California. It had been a particularly bad day at practice, and Eli showed up a few minutes early. I waved and Marina snapped at him in Russian for distracting me. He waited in the car after that day.

I sniffled and snuggled against his body, tracing the lines of his tattoos with my finger.

“Maybe I should get a tattoo.” I sucked in a quick breath. I couldn’t believe those words just came out of my mouth.

“Now I
know
you’re off your rocker,” Eli said.

It was time to change the subject and focus on Eli. “A couple of weeks ago you said you wanted to talk to me about something.”

“It’s not important right now. Let’s concentrate on you.”

“No. You know what happened, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I said.

“Well, Janae shot me a text and told me to bring you over to the rink and toss you in the weight room the moment you felt better.”

“Great,” I grumbled.

“Besides, I have class, so I’ll walk you over and meet you after I’m done. We can have lunch, and I’ll drop my bomb on you over salads and diet sodas.”

I shook my head. “Okay.”

Eli called Janae and put her on speakerphone when he bragged that he had been successful in ridding my world of bad vibes. She promised him a reward at lunch. He waggled his eyebrows and swiveled his hips.

We rode over to the arena together and Eli followed me inside, jabbering about his classes and evil roommates.

“You can go to class,” I said. “I promise I’ll go into the weight room and lift.”

“Er, okay. I guess I’ll see you for lunch.”

“You’re going the wrong way,” I said as he followed me to the weight room. Loud grunts and groans filled the hallway. I stopped, and Eli banged into me. The door opened, and Danny Jackson stood in front of me. I expected him to ignore us and pass by without a word.

“Well, hello, princess. You do know this is a weight room and not a spa, right?” Danny asked. He turned to look at some of his teammates and said something about getting my nails done.

I seriously considered smashing his face into the wall. In the back of my mind, I’d hoped we were through with all this shit. I’d have been happy to ignore him, but for some reason, he felt the need to act like a douche to me. Well, two could play at this game.

I snorted. “Do I need to remind you that these manicured nails beat the shit out of you in hockey?” I asked sarcastically.

Several of his teammates snickered.

“Fuck off, twinkle toes,” he snarled.

“D,” Captain Kirk said. “Coach will bench your ass if you get into a fight. Leave Justin alone. He doesn’t deserve it.”

The rest of the team filed past Danny. Some looked away, but surprisingly, most nodded at me. Demons filled the air, but for once, they stayed away from me. It was Danny who was being suffocated by them. I almost felt sorry for him.

Eli grabbed Danny by the arm. “You’re laying it on a little thick,” Eli snapped at Danny.

Danny whirled around and shoved me into the wall. “He knows?” he hissed through clenched teeth.

“Don’t worry, D-man, Eli won’t tell anyone your dirty secrets. He cares about me, and I don’t want anyone to know about the biggest mistake of my fucking life.”

The hurt in his eyes was evident, but I didn’t give a shit. In his fucked-up world, his image was worth more than I was. He could go fuck himself. He chose to have us dislike each other. I’d gotten really good at being a total jerk to him when people were around us. Our small scuffle had attracted attention, and some of Danny’s teammates were still in the hallway watching us. They probably wanted a fight.

He clenched his fist, cracked his knuckles, and gnashed his teeth. He tried to spit out some venomous words, but he didn’t seem to have the strength. “I’m sorry,” he whispered against my cheek.

He closed his eyes and punched the wall. I could feel the air whoosh by my ear.

“D-man,” someone shouted. “Enough!”

I looked up and saw Spock charging toward us. Eli widened his stance and put his fists up, but Spock brushed by him and grabbed Danny by the collar, pulling him off me.

“Leave him alone,” Spock snapped.

Danny looked at me and furrowed his brow. “I’m sorry,” he murmured again and let Spock lead him away.

“Well, that was weird,” Eli said.

Before I could catch my breath, another familiar voice called my name.

“Justin?”

“Yeah, Coach,” I answered, because I was supposed to call him Coach in the sacred hockey arena. He was only Dad to me outside of hockey.

“Marina just emailed me this.” He handed me a crumpled sheet of paper filled with microscopic type that was going to require a magnifying glass. It was going to be a long day.

“Don’t skip the stairs,” Coach added. “I don’t have time to listen to Marina bitch about you being out of shape. And, Eli, get to class.”