Phoenix Feather (24 page)

Aidan nodded. “Rough night.”

“You all right?”

She tried to keep her breathing steady. “I’m fine. I’m bleeding and holding myself together with bandages I have to reapply more and more often.”

“Night brings out the worst of it, doesn’t it?” Trent murmured.

Aidan looked into his dark eyes, catching the glint of the morning like a speck of a star. She reached out and entwined her fingers with his. “For others more so.” She twisted to see the glowing numbers on the clock. “You’re up early too.”

He smirked. “I’m always up this early.”

She leaned her head against the cold window with a sigh.

“Can I make you hot chocolate or coffee?”

“Sure,” she said, and sat up.

He squeezed her hand. “You don’t have to move.”

“I’d like to watch.” Aidan gathered up the blanket and followed Trent into the kitchen. She slid into a chair and watched as he turned on the coffee maker and scooped out a fresh batch of beans. When the machine finished preparing it, they sat at the table and drank their cups in silence. It was tranquil and complete. Aidan felt happy just being near him. They didn’t need to speak to fill the time, just this wordless communion.

It was still early, so they moved to the sofa and talked about past Christmases and fond memories. They talked about their families, taking the time to describe each member in detail, not only looks but personalities as well. They passed the time easily until Phoebe and Chris came down.

“I almost forgot one tradition,” Trent said. “Banana waffles for breakfast on Christmas morning.”

Aidan snorted. “That’s such a tease; we have to wait two days.”

He chuckled and kissed the top of her head. “Sorry. Oatmeal good for today?”

She nodded and looked at Phoebe. She looked just as haggard as Chris, with dark circles under her lifeless eyes. “There’s coffee already made,” Aidan offered.

Phoebe nodded and headed for the kitchen.

“She okay?” Chris whispered.

Aidan shifted uncomfortably. “Didn’t sleep well.”

Chris frowned and dropped his gaze to the floor as though lost in thought. Aidan got up and swept her arm under his elbow to lead him into the kitchen. Trent was offering Phoebe a choice between two flavors. She stirred a cup of coffee and stared at the boxes, but her eyes glazed over, as if she didn’t really see them. Chris put in Phoebe’s favorite and what he wanted.

The silence in the kitchen grew awkward and oppressive. Aidan volunteered to help Trent make breakfast. She wanted something to do so she didn’t have to focus on everyone’s faces.

“Trent,” Chris spoke up. “You have a list of what you need from town. Do you think you and Aidan can go by yourselves? I’d like some time alone with Phoebe.”

Aidan’s hands stilled and she looked at Chris.

Phoebe’s head shot up. “Are you feeling sick?”

“No.” He took a steadying breath. “I think we should talk. Can you tell Trent what else you might need?”

Phoebe nodded, and shot Aidan a panicked look. Aidan gave a small shrug to indicate she didn’t know what it was about, and that she certainly hadn’t told him about the night before. Aidan glanced at Trent, whose brow was furrowed. Maybe he knew what it was about.

“No problem,” Trent said. He handed Aidan a bowl and gave her a meaningful look. “I was thinking about leaving right after breakfast.”

Aidan nodded. “Sure.” She glanced one more time at Chris and Phoebe. Phoebe looked frightened, but Chris seemed calm, resolved. She’d have to ask Trent in the car.

They ate with sparse conversation, and Aidan dressed quickly so they could leave. She met Trent at the door. Chris said goodbye and told them not to have too much fun. Aidan climbed into the car and started the engine while Trent scraped ice off the windshield. Then he hurried to jump in the driver’s seat, rubbing his gloved hands together as they waited for the car to heat up.

“Do you know what’s going on?” Aidan asked.

Trent’s brow wrinkled as he considered his words. “The facades are coming off. We’ve all been guilty of it—pretending nothing’s wrong because we don’t want to hurt anyone else.” He shook his head. “It was bound to come out eventually.”

“Yeah.” Aidan looked down at her lap. “Phoebe’s been having nightmares. I’ve…”

“What?” he prodded gently.

She felt her eyes grow warm and blinked the moisture away. “I’ve been having despairing thoughts about being left alone when everyone’s gone. I mean, everyone dies eventually.”

He removed a glove and reached over to clasp her hand. “You’re not alone right now.”

“I know.” She tried to smile at him. “But it’s confusing. I’m so happy when I’m with you, and so hurting when I’m with them, and I feel like I’m going to burst, that it’s impossible to hold both those feelings inside at the same time.”

He squeezed, his fingers stiff and cold in hers. “I feel the same way.”

Really?
Was it mortal then, to feel this way? If they could survive it, so could she. If he felt it also, then maybe she was even less alone than her fears would try to convince her.

“There’s so much to be happy about and to enjoy. And I feel guilty, because you’re making me the happiest man on earth, while at the same time he…doesn’t have that, and it doesn’t look like he ever will. It feels selfish.”

“Yes,” Aidan nodded. “Selfish is the right word.”

“But,” Trent said firmly, and pulled her hand close to his chest. “What would Chris tell you?”

She groaned, knowing he was right. “To keep living, to be happy. Isn’t that what we were doing though?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but I don’t know if that means pretending all the bad stuff doesn’t exist at all, that it doesn’t affect us.”

Aidan tilted her head at him. “How did you get to be so wise?”

Trent chuckled. “I don’t know about that.” He let go of her hand and shifted the car into gear. “I just know what we were doing didn’t seem to be working out as well as we all thought.” He pressed the gas and the car’s tires crunched over snow.

Aidan watched the snow-covered trees go by as they drove down the mountain. “I like it up here,” she said. When it was her time, this is where she wanted to come. She wanted to die among the remnants of pleasant memories.

Chapter Twenty-One

Aidan stretched and looked at the clock. She had slept in this morning of all mornings. She got up and dressed quickly before going downstairs. The sweet smell of bananas and batter greeted her. Phoebe, for once, was up before Aidan, and sat under the tree sifting through gifts.

“You’re not shaking them, are you?” Aidan asked.

Phoebe lifted her chin in a haughty manner. “Just prioritizing.”

Aidan gave her a playful look and then went into the kitchen. Trent stood next to the waffle maker as batter sizzled between the hot plates and oozed out the sides.

“Ooh, wow. You could have waited for me; I would have helped,” she complained lightly.

Trent kissed her on the cheek. “You were sleeping. Merry Christmas.”

Aidan put her hands on her hips in a mock pout. She surveyed the bowls and countertops with distaste.

“What?” Trent asked. “You don’t like bananas in your waffles?”

“No, I was just remembering what you said about cleaning up after cooking at the firehouse.”

He laughed. “This is nothing.”

They heard Chris Ho-Hoing as he came down the stairs, bellowing “Merry Christmas” and “I smell food.” They gathered around the table with their plates piled with waffles and passed the butter and syrup around while speculating on what presents lay in wait for them under the tree. There was a strong sense of relief compared to earlier that week. Sadness and worry still lingered, but it had been brought out in the open and now sat at the table with them, somehow making it less of a monster.

“I’ll clean up later,” Phoebe said when they had finished. “Presents now!”

They moved to the great room. Aidan sat on the couch with Trent, Chris sat on the other sofa, and Phoebe knelt on the floor in order to pass gifts around. She reached in for a rectangular wrapped gift and handed it to Trent.

Aidan pressed her lips together—it was her gift—as he ripped through the wrapping paper and pulled out a large, spiral-bound book.

Trent looked at the title and laughed. “‘
Recipes When Cooking For Large Groups
,’” he read. He flipped through the pages. “This is too tempting to pass up, despite the cleanup it’s going to leave me.”

Aidan smiled. “That was the idea.”

Trent grinned in amusement as he surveyed the recipes. “Oh, yes, new experiments.”

Chris eyed him warily. “Experiments? I’m glad I’m not the test subject.”

“I thought you were the official taste tester?” Phoebe said wryly.

“Give him ours,” he retorted.

Phoebe handed Trent a small box, which he unwrapped to reveal a wristwatch. A stainless steel band held a square, white clock face against a black background. The hour and minute hands stood out in bright blue.

“Wow. This is nice.”

“And waterproof,” Chris said. “So you won’t have to worry about it when you’re working.”

“Thanks, guys.” Trent slipped it on and held his wrist up for them to see.

Chris opened Aidan’s present next. He raved over the collection of Science Fiction books she had gotten him:
Red Mars
,
Dune
, and
Ender’s Game
. The large round package wasn’t hard to guess as some kind of ball. It turned out to be a soccer ball for Phoebe. There were pictures of them all put into beautiful black and silver frames, fuzzy socks, and coffee shop gift cards.

“Phoebe,” Trent said. “The envelope next to the Rudolph ornament.”

Phoebe searched for it and handed it to him. He passed it to Aidan. Curiosity made her giddy. She opened the flap and pulled out what looked like a receipt card, except there was no price. Aidan studied it a moment and then looked at Trent.

“What is it?” Phoebe asked.

She grinned. “Salsa dancing lessons.” She leaned over and wrapped her arms around his neck. “This is fantastic.” She kissed him in front of Phoebe and Chris, and was grateful they didn’t make any obnoxious noises about it.

They finished unwrapping the other small gifts, stocking stuffers and trinkets such as candy and sticky note pads, stuff Aidan and Trent had picked up in town the other day. The phone rang and Trent went to get it.

“Great,” Aidan heard him say. “Chris, the package is here.”

“What package?” Phoebe asked.

Aidan got up and went to the front door. Bryan was pulling into the driveway. Aidan and Phoebe exchanged confused looks.

“Have you two planned something?” Aidan asked.

Trent grinned. “Well, Chris planned it; Bryan and I helped.” The girls watched as Bryan unloaded a cardboard box from the front seat and carried it up the steps.

“The box is squeaking,” Aidan said as he brought it inside.

Chris put his arms on Phoebe’s shoulders. “This is your real Christmas present.”

Phoebe hedged toward it and lifted one of the flaps. She squealed with delight and pulled a fidgeting white puppy with floppy brown ears out of the box. It whimpered and tried to lick her face.

“He’s so cute!” she exclaimed.

“She,” Chris corrected. “A King Charles Spaniel. You like her?”

“Oh,” Phoebe moaned. Yep, she was sold.

Chris shook Bryan’s hand. “Thanks, man.”

“My pleasure,” Bryan replied. “Hi, Aidan.”

“Hi.”

Trent slapped Bryan on the back. “I got some waffle batter left. Want some?”

Bryan seemed to perk up at that. “Banana waffles? Sure.”

Aidan followed Phoebe and Chris into the great room where they set the puppy on the floor in the middle of them and let it run around. Bryan sat at the table and watched while Trent fixed some more waffles.

“Was she any trouble?” Trent asked.

“Nah.” He yawned. “Doesn’t sleep much, like a real baby, I guess.” He shrugged at Trent’s look. “I wasn’t sleeping much anyway.”

“Still a lot of work?”

“Yeah.”

“Does she have a name?” Phoebe asked.

“I’ve got the paperwork for you somewhere.” Bryan patted around his jacket pockets and pulled out an envelope. He squinted at the name written on the front. “Ah, Gypsy.”

“Oh, how cute.” Phoebe ruffled the puppy’s ears. “I like that.”

“Oh,” Aidan said, and got up. “Trent, where’s Bryan’s gift?”

“On the mantle.”

Aidan retrieved it and brought it back into the kitchen and handed it to Bryan. “From Trent.”

Trent rolled his eyes at her, but she ignored him. She had already signed the gift card, but she didn’t have to say it out loud. Trent came over and stood with a plate of fresh waffles in his hand, waiting while Bryan opened the envelope. Aidan watched the corners of his mouth curve upward, though strained, as if they weren’t used to the direction.