Philip Van Doren Stern (ed) (179 page)

It
is
true
that
the
mind
thinks
only
what
desire
dictates;
and
that when
desire
flags
thought
will
become
ignoble.
My
will
had
flagged, for
I
had
held
it
too
many
hours
as
in
a
vice;
and
I
was
fatigued
with that
most
terrible
of
exercises.

The
silence
of
those
indomitable
people
weighed
upon
me;
and the
silence
of
the
night,
and
the
chill
of
that
large,
white
moon
burdened
me
also.
Therefore,
when
they
came
to
talk
to
me,
I
listened peacefully;
if
one
may
term
that
state
of
surrender
peace.
I
listened in
a
cowardly
quietness;
replying
more
by
a
movement
of
the
hands than
by
words;
and
when
words
were
indispensable
making
brief
use of
them.

It
was
she
who
spoke,
and
her
tone
was
gentle
and
anxious
and official:

"We
have
arranged
to
marry,"
said
she. To
that
I
made
no
reply.

I
took
the
information
on
the
surface
of
my
mind
as
one
receives an
arrow
on
a
shield,
and
I
did
not
permit
it
to
enter
further.
There, in
neutral
ground,
the
sentence
lay;
and
there
I
could
look
on
it
with the
aloof
curiosity
of
one
who
examines
an
alien
thing.

"They
were
going
to
get
married!"
Well
.
.
.
But
what
had
it
to do
with
me?
Everyone
got
married
sometime,
and
they
were
going to
get
married.
This
was
a
matter
in
which
I
had
no
part,
for
they were
not
going
to
get
married
to
me:
they
were
going
to
marry
each other;
it
was
all
no
business
of
mine.

So
a
weary
brain
thinks
weary
thoughts;
and
so
I
thought;
separating
myself
languidly
from
the
business
of
those
who
were
making
me a
partner
in
their
affairs.
All
I
desired
was
that
the
explanations
should cease,
and
that
I
might
heave
myself
into
a
saddle
and
jog
quietly
to my
own
place.

But
I
knew,
almost
with
sickness,
that
I
could
not
go
until
this sentence
had
been
explained
and
re-explaincd.
They
would
inevitably consider
that
I
could
not
grasp
its
swollen
import
until
they
had spoken
under
it
and
over
it;
and
explained
that
there
was
a
necessity for
it;
and
detailed
me
that
also.

I
could
foresee
a
dreary
hour
that
would
drone
and
drone
with
an unending
amplification
of
duty
and
interest
and
love,
and
a
whole metaphysic
to
bind
these
together.

Love!
They
would
come
to
that
at
last.
But
when
they
dared
the word
they
would
not
leave
it
while
they
had
a
tooth
to
put
into
it.

They
would
tell
me
around
it
and
about;
and
the
telling
would excite
them
to
a
fury
of
retelling.
I
should
have
its
history,
and
all the
din
and
crackle
of
all
the
words
that
could
be
remembered
on
that subject
or
germane
to
it.