phil jones2 (37 page)

Chapter 39

Shoes! Cheese! Pills!

'
S
o you're telling me this thing can just go flying about space wherever it pleases?'

'Affirmative.' the computer chirped, delighted that someone was taking an interest in it.

'Anywhere at all in the universe?'

There was a brief pause. 'Distance travelled would be limited to the length the inertial dampers and compensating thrusters could be kept online.'

'Inertial dampers, eh? What are those when they're about?'

'Inertial dampers are always present, they prevent the effects of hurtling through space from destroying the crew.'

'I see... and the thrusters? What do they do?'

The slightest of pauses. 'They are to compensate for the inherent lack of gravity within space, they also compensate for drift and other things.'

'Other things?'

'Affirmative. Have a nice day.'

'What other things exactly?'

'Wouldn't you rather have a nice hot beverage? Have a nice day.'

Terry slumped down upon the medical bed once more, he would have just stayed there but he felt there was something inherently wrong with talking to a machine while lying down. This had been the third time that said machine had tried to pressure him into having a hot drink instead of asking his questions. It seemed awfully unhelpful and almost irritated by his questioning, as if it had a life of its own to be getting on with and wasn't stuck in that room with him at all times.

The doors of the sick bay slid open and Terry braced himself for another visit from Doctor Samej, only to find himself face to face with a tall man wearing what looked to be sunglasses.

'Hello?' he said in a cautious tone, noting that the man seemed much less friendly than the folk he had seen grace the room so far.

'Your attempts at accessing the computer system have not gone unnoticed, you will refrain from doing so in future.' the figure said in a basso drawl.

Well, that was fairly definitive. Clearly he had to avoid talking to the computer in future.

Instead of listening to this reasoned thinking, Terry's mouth asked why.

'Why?' Terry's mouth asked.

The ominous figure continued standing there in silence, as if the idea of his commands being questioned was something that happened to other people.

'It's not like I was doing anything wrong... I just wanted to know a little about the ship is all.'

The innocence of Terry's statement didn't appear to have any effect upon the man, who continued to stare at him before responding. 'What business have you wanting to know about our capabilities? Did you plan on finding something that you could use?'

'I don't know what use Star Command has for you Mr. Stevens, but I wish to assure you that we have absolutely no use for you. If you continue to poke and prod into our systems I will be forced to take action.'

Terry could tell from one look at the man that he was fully capable of taking action, there was a cool and factual delivery to the words, as if he was talking about tightening a loose pipe or opening a fridge instead of causing bodily harm.

'Computer.' the figure said without averting his gaze. 'disable all requests from patients in the sick bay indefinitely.'

'Confirmed Agent Smith, have a nice day.'

Smith's lack of response seemed to indicate that he didn't wish the computer the same.

'Any voice commands that you give the computer from here shall now be delivered directly to my security console.' he said, looming over Terry's bedside. 'If I hear the slightest word from you I assure you that consequences shall be...dire.'

Smith's foreboding words lost a distinct amount of impact throughout the sentence due to a strange squeaking sound that grey steadily louder as it got closer to the sick bay doors.

'Do we have an understanding, Mr. Stevens?' Smith said.

Terry stared at him without comprehension. 'Sorry? I can't hear you, you're going to have to speak up.'

The squeaking noises had drowned out everything that man had said and now grew even louder. Smith opened his mouth once again to speak but again it was drowned out by the sound and he seemed to realise that. Terry shook his head at him, and Smith's expression soured. He distinctly hoped this man didn't think he was playing a game with him.

The sickbay doors slid open and the squeaking sound entered, attached to the feet of Doctor Samej.

'Why hello there Agent Smith!' he waved frantically, coming to a halt and mercifully ceasing the squeaks. 'Fancy seeing you, right here, in the sick bay.' he seemed to pause after this sentence, as if waiting for cheers from an imaginary audience.

Smith scowled in the man's direction but the good Doctor seemed unperturbed by his gaze and continued speaking unabated. 'I just went down to the nearest replicator because ours had been shut off for some reason and I figured I'd get myself a pair of these.' he gestured his spindly arms down at the abominations that covered his feet and made a few more squeaky steps to emphasise them. 'Aren't they just fantastic?'

Terry fully expected this Agent Smith character to pull out a weapon and unload it on the unfortunate Doctor, instead the ghost of a smile twitched onto his lips.

'Nice shoes, Doctor Samej. It would appear that while you were replicating them your patient here was accessing the computer's database. If you could keep him occupied for a time I would be grateful, and may put in a good word with Captain Jones for some extra replicator credits.'

Doctor Samej's face lit up at the possibility of whatever these replicator credits were, he squeaked back and forth in giddy excitement and nodded his head. He wouldn't have made a very good poker player, that much was apparent. Smith on the other hand...

'I am glad to see that we are in agreement Doctor. Make sure that Mr. Stevens here doesn't access the medical computer again.'

'Shall do, Agent Smith!' Samej said, now at rapt attention and giving an awkward looking salute to the man.

Smith's smile seemed to be twitching, as if he couldn't maintain it for much longer. 'I shall be in the cockpit should you require me.' he replied before striding off.

Well, that was the end of getting any more information about where the hell he was, unless...

'Doctor Samej, what other things to the inertial dampers do on board the ship?'

'Yes.' Samej replied, and proceeded to wander off elsewhere with a series of squeaks.

Very helpful. Clearly quizzing the Doctor for answers wasn't going to get him anywhere. He wasn't going to leave his fate in the hands of his one-time gym buddy and a crew of people he didn't know with suspect intentions. He had to find a way to get more information about this vessel and the space around it, but how?

'A sailor went to a sea, sea, sea to see what he could see, see, see but all that he could see, see, see was the bottom of the deep blue sea, sea, sea.' came the haunting voice as Doctor Samej stared out of one of the windows into space.

'What's that?' Terry asked.

'Hmmm?' Samej turned, as if noticing the man for the first time. 'This is a window, it helps you see outside. They're very useful, do you not have them where you're from? Would you like some cheese?'

'What? I mean...sorry?'

'Cheese.' Samej repeated, staring at him with a strange intensity. 'Would you like some?'

'Yes.' Terry said after a time, wondering where this was leading. 'I would like some cheese.'

The Doctor shrugged his shoulders and squeaked over to the replicator. 'Are you working for me yet?'

'Affirmative.'

'I would like some cheese.' Samej informed the computer, his voice sounding more formal than before, as if the acquisition of cheese was an important ceremony of some kind.

'Would you like your usual cheese, Doctor Samej?'

'Affirmat... I mean... Yes.' Samej said.

A blue beam shot down from the replicator and distributed two plates with cheese on them. Samej grabbed them both and squeaked back over to Terry's bedside. 'Cheese.'

'That it is.' Terry replied, not knowing what else to say to the man.

'This is a crusty Edam.' Samej proceeded to inform him, unfortunately not between mouthfuls of the stuff. 'It has a very specific taste to it once it has matured to this point.'

'I thought you were a medical doctor?'

'I like cheese.' the medical doctor informed him, munching away as if it were the last piece he'd ever have. Then again on this ship that was entirely possible.

Terry stared down at the cheese and decided if he was going to gain the trust of at least one of the crew members then this was a necessary evil. Trying hard not to breathe in the pungent aroma, he bit down upon the cheese and tried his hardest not to grimace.

'What do you think?' Samej asked immediately.

'It's... very good.' Terry said, gasping between mouthfuls with tears in his eyes. 'I've never tasted an Edam like it.' he ventured truthfully.

Samej's face lit up in appreciation of Terry's kind words. 'I'm so glad someone else likes my favourite cheese. The rest of the crew won't even try it.' the man's face was akin to a theatrical actor sped up one hundred times, morphing one minute from eagerness into exultation through to sadness with a hint of loneliness. It was exhausting to even look at him as he threw these reactions out. The frizzy pink hair certainly didn't help when it came to taking him seriously, bobbing back and forth as if it had a life of its own.

The ship rocked at a thumping sound that came from outside of the bulkhead, sirens went off in unison and Terry nearly dropped his plate. He didn't want to see what the Doctor's reaction to dropped cheese would have been.

'What's going on?' he asked.

Samej continued eating cheese as if this bombardment was the most natural thing in the world. 'It sounds like we're under attack.' he said between a mouthful of the vile Edam. 'The crew don't do so well nowadays since their Engineer left.'

Terry frowned at that. 'Doesn't a big ship like this kind of need an Engineer?'

'Yeah, but since they're fugitives from Star Command they're not likely to pick one up.'

This was a remarkably astute insight for a man in big red clown shoes that squeaked as he walked. Doctor Samej seemed to have settled down now that he had got his cheese and Terry planned to make the most of that while it lasted.

'So what you're saying is that they need an Engineer but have no way of finding one?'

Samej nodded. 'I offered some memory drugs so that Lieutenant Annika could multi-task as the ship's Engineer but she refused.'

'She refused? Why? What are these memory drugs you speak of?'

'They allow someone to pick up things really quickly if they have an inquisitive enough mind, which the Lieutenant certainly does. She didn't fancy them because of the side-effects.'

Terry rubbed his chin. 'So what you're saying is that someone could pick up all the Engineering stuff with these drugs?'

Samej nodded, looking down at the empty plate as if he was expecting more cheese to sprout from it. 'Yeah, I guess so.'

'Tell me Doctor Samej, does Engineering have a computer in it?'

The doctor's head hadn't stopped nodding from the previous question, and continued to do so which Terry assumed meant that he was saying yes in his own way.

'And it isn't tied into the medical computer in any way, is it?'

Samej shrugged. 'I don't go down to Engineering, all the wires and lights scare me.'

Terry looked around at the bright lights and assorted needles that adorned the sick bay and chose not to comment on that particular utterance.

'So how long does it take for these memory drugs of yours to work?' he asked instead.

Samej blew air out of his lips that would have been classified as a biological weapon on some planets. 'About... Forty minutes?'

He blinked. 'So I could go from being boring old me to a super genius in like... the course of a day?'

'Well yes... but the potential side-effects of...'

Terry wasn't listening. 'A super genius. Let's do this!'

'Does this mean you're going to abandon sick bay and leave me here all on my own?' Samej said, tears welling up in his eyes.

'What? Uh... no! Not at all! You see...' Terry scrambled for ideas. 'You can stay in touch with me over the communications system! That way you will always have someone to talk to.'

Samej seemed to spend time pondering over this, then looked down at his plate again. 'Will you come and eat cheese with me in the future?'

'Sure, whatever it takes, just give me the genius pills so I can get down to Engineering.'

'Okay then.' Samej said, clearly not believing a word that he had just been listening to.

'Excellent, now, where are these super drugs you were talking about?'

Samej squeaked over to a large counter and started rummaging, resulting in a series of tubes and containers flying over, onto and sometimes into his hair. The clown shoes and haphazard manner didn't fill Terry with confidence, but he was desperate at this point. He couldn't keep sitting here doing nothing while the rest of the world was out there potentially conspiring to kill him.

Unfortunately for Terry, he was forced to rely upon not just the medical capabilities of Doctor Samej, but the organisation skills of the man too. If he couldn't find the drugs, and he seemed to be having great difficulty doing so, then his bold idea was dead in the water.

'Any luck finding them yet?' he asked hopefully as a series of bottles flew past, narrowly missing his head and causing him to duck.

'It's here somewhere, I just need to reach back a little further. There it is! Here, take two of these.' Samej said, popping open the container on his flat palm and thrusting it up to Terry's face.

'Er... thanks.' he said. 'Got a glass of water?'

'Water, no cheese.' Samej specified to the replicator with a tinge of regret, a sparkling glass of carbonated water appeared. What kind of computer was this, to prefer carbonated water over still?

'There you go.' he said, handing Terry the glass and tapping a squeaky shoe impatiently. 'Come on, I want to see what this does!'