Perfect (14 page)

A few seconds passed. Becka took out a tube of pink lip gloss and applied a fresh coat. “So, do you want to know anything about Tree Tops?”

Not really,
Emily wanted to answer. Maya was probably right—Emily would never be truly happy until she stopped feeling ashamed and denying her feelings. Although…she eyed Becka.
She
seemed okay.

Emily opened her Coke. “So,
you
liked girls?” She didn’t entirely believe it.

Becka looked surprised. “I—I did…but not anymore.”

“Well, when you did…how did you know for sure?” Emily asked, realizing she was brimming with questions.

Becka took a minuscule bite out of her sandwich. Everything about her was small and doll-like, including her hands. “It felt different, I guess. Better.”

“Same here!” Emily practically shouted. “I had boyfriends when I was younger…but I always felt
differently
about girls. I even thought my Barbies were cute.”

Becka daintily wiped her mouth with a napkin. “Barbie was never my type.”

Emily smiled, as another question came to her. “Why do you think we like girls? Because I was reading that it was genetic, but does that mean that if I had a daughter, she would think her Barbies were cute, too?” She thought for a moment, before rambling on. No one was around and it felt good to ask some of the things that had been circling around in her brain. That’s what this meeting was supposed to be about, right? “Although…my mom seems like the straightest woman on earth,” Emily continued, a little manically. “Maybe it skips a generation?”

Emily stopped, realizing that Becka was staring at her with a weirded-out expression on her face. “I don’t think so,” she said uneasily.

“I’m sorry,” Emily admitted. “I’m kind of babbling. I’m just really…confused. And nervous.”
And aching
, she wanted to add, dwelling for a second on how Maya’s face had collapsed when Emily told her it was over.

“It’s okay,” Becka said quietly.

“Did you have a girlfriend before you went into Tree Tops?” Emily asked, more quietly this time.

Becka chewed on her thumbnail. “Wendy,” she said almost inaudibly. “We worked together at the Body Shop at the King James Mall.”

“Did you and Wendy…fool around?” Emily nibbled on a potato chip.

Becka glanced suspiciously at the manger figurines on the altar, like she thought that Joseph and Mary and the three wise men were listening in. “Maybe,” she whispered.

“What did it feel like?”

A tiny vein near Becka’s temple pulsed. “It felt
wrong
. Being…gay…it’s not easy to change it, but I think you can. Tree Tops helped me figure out why I was with Wendy. I grew up with three brothers, and my counselor said I was raised in a very boy-centric world.”

That was the stupidest thing Emily had ever heard. “I have a brother, but I have two sisters too. I wasn’t raised in a boy-centric world. So what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, maybe the root of your problem is different.” Becka shrugged. “The counselors will help you figure that out. They get you to let go of a lot of feelings and memories. The idea is to replace them with new feelings and memories.”

Emily frowned. “They’re making you
forget
stuff?”

“Not exactly. It’s more like letting go.”

As much as Becka tried to sugarcoat it, Tree Tops sounded horrible. Emily didn’t want to let go of Maya. Or Ali, for that matter.

Suddenly, Becka reached out and put her hand over Emily’s. It was surprising. “I know this doesn’t make much sense to you now, but I learned something huge in Tree Tops,” Becka said. “Life is hard. If we go with these feelings that are…that are
wrong
, our lives are going to be even more of an uphill battle. Things are hard enough, you know? Why make it worse?”

Emily felt her lip quiver. Were all lesbians’ lives an uphill battle? What about those two gay women who ran the triathlon shop two towns over? Emily had bought her New Balances from them, and they seemed so happy. And what about Maya? She used to cut herself, but now she was better.

“So is Wendy okay that you’re in Tree Tops now?” Emily asked.

Becka stared at the stained-glass window behind the altar. “I think she gets it.”

“Do you guys still hang out?”

Becka shrugged. “Not really. But we’re still friends, I guess.”

Emily ran her tongue over her teeth. “Maybe we could all hang out some time?” It might be good to see two
ex-gays
who were actually friends. Maybe she and Maya could be friends, too.

Becka cocked her head, seeming surprised. “Okay. How about Saturday night?”

“Sounds good to me,” Emily answered.

They finished their lunch and Becka said good-bye. Emily started down the sloped green, falling in line with the other Rosewood Day kids heading back to class. Her brain was overloaded with information and emotions. The lesbian triathletes might be happy and Maya might be better, but maybe Becka had a point, too. What would it be like at college, then after college, then getting a job? She would have to explain her sexuality to people over and over again. Some people wouldn’t accept her.

Before yesterday, the only people who knew how Emily truly felt were Maya, her ex, Ben, and Alison. Two out of the three hadn’t taken it very well.

Maybe they were right.

17

BECAUSE ALL CHEESY RELATIONSHIP MOMENTS HAPPEN IN CEMETERIES

Wednesday after school, Aria watched Sean pedal his Gary Fisher mountain bike farther in front of her, easily climbing West Rosewood’s hilly country roads. “Keep up!” he teased.

“Easy for you to say!” Aria answered, pedaling furiously on Ella’s old beat-up Peugeot ten-speed from college—she’d brought it with her when she moved into Sean’s. “I don’t run six miles every morning!”

Sean had surprised Aria after school by announcing he was ditching soccer so they could hang out. Which was a huge deal—in the 24 hours she had lived with him, Aria had learned that Sean was über–soccer boy, the same way her brother was manic about lacrosse. Every morning, Sean ran six miles, did drills, and kicked practice goals into a net set up on the Ackards’ lawn until it was time to leave for school.

Aria struggled up the hill and was happy to see that there was a long descent in front of them. It was a gorgeous day, so they’d decided to take a bike ride around West Rosewood. They rode past rambling farmhouses and miles of untouched woods.

At the bottom of the hill, they passed a wrought-iron fence with an ornate entrance gate. Aria hit her brakes. “Hold on. I completely forgot about this place.”

She had stopped in front of St. Basil’s cemetery, Rosewood’s oldest and spookiest, where she used to do gravestone rubbings. It was set on acres and acres of rolling hills and beautifully tended lawns, and some of the headstones dated back to the 1700s. Before Aria found her niche with Ali, she’d gone through a goth phase, embracing everything having to do with death, Tim Burton, Halloween, and Nine Inch Nails. The cemetery’s leafy oaks had provided the perfect shade for lounging and acting morose.

Sean stopped beside her. Aria turned to him. “Can we go in for a sec?”

He looked alarmed. “Are you
sure
?”

“I used to love coming here.”

“Okay.” Sean reluctantly chained his bike to a wrought-iron trash can along with Aria’s and started behind her past the first line of headstones. Aria read the names and the dates that she had practically memorized a few years back.
EDITH JOHNSTON
, 1807–1856.
BABY AGNES
, 1820–1821.
SARAH WHITTIER
, with that Milton quote,
DEATH IS THE GOLDEN KEY THAT OPENS THE PALACE OF ETERNITY
. Over the hill, Aria knew, were the graves of a dog named Puff, a cat named Rover, and a parakeet named Lily.

“I love graves,” Aria said as they passed a big one with an angel statue on the top. “They remind me of ‘The Tell-Tale Heart.’”

“The
what
?”

Aria raised an eyebrow. “Oh, come on. You’ve read that short story. Edgar Allan Poe? The dead guy’s buried in the floor? The narrator can still hear his heart beating?”

“Nope.”

Aria put her hands on her hips, dumbstruck. How could Sean not have read that? “When we get back, I’ll find my Poe book so you can.”

“Okay,” Sean agreed, then changed the subject. “You sleep okay last night?”

“Great.” A white lie. Her Paris-hotel-like room was beautiful, but Aria had actually found it difficult to sleep. Sean’s house was…
too
perfect. The duvet seemed
too
fluffy, the mattress
too
quilted, the room
too
quiet. It smelled too nice and clean as well.

But more than that, she’d been too worried about the movement outside her guest bedroom window, about the possible stalker sighting,
and
about A’s note—saying that Ali’s killer was closer than she thought. Aria had thrashed around for hours, alone, certain she’d look over and see the stalker—or Ali’s killer—at the foot of her bed.

“Your stepmom got all anal on me this morning, though,” Aria said, skirting around a Japanese cherry blossom tree. “I forgot to make my bed. She made me go back upstairs and do it.” She snorted. “My mom hasn’t done that in about a billion years.”

When she looked over, Sean wasn’t laughing along. “My stepmom works hard to keep the house clean. Rosewood Historic House tours come through it almost every day.”

Aria bristled. She wanted to tell him that the Rosewood Historic Society had considered her house for the tour, too—some Frank Lloyd Wright protégé had designed it. Instead, she sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s just…my mom hasn’t even called me since I left a message telling her I was staying with you. I feel so…abandoned.”

Sean stroked her arm. “I know, I know.”

Aria poked her tongue into the spot at the back of her mouth where her lone wisdom tooth had been. “That’s the thing,” she said softly. “You don’t know.” Sean’s family was perfect. Mr. Ackard had made them Belgian waffles this morning, and Mrs. Ackard had packed everyone’s lunches—including Aria’s. Even their dog, an Airedale, was well mannered.

“So explain it to me,” Sean said.

Aria sighed. “It’s not as easy as that.”

They passed a gnarled, knotty tree. Suddenly, Aria looked down…and stopped short. Right in front of her was a new gravesite. The groundskeeper hadn’t dug the hole for the coffin yet, but there was a taped-off, coffin-size space. The marble headstone was up, though. It read, plainly,
ALISON LAUREN DILAURENTIS
.

A small, gurgling noise escaped from the back of Aria’s throat. The authorities were still examining Ali’s remains for signs of poison and trauma, so her parents hadn’t buried her yet. Aria hadn’t known they were planning to bury her
here.

She looked helplessly at Sean. He went pale. “I thought you knew.”

“I had no idea,” she whispered back.

The headstone said nothing but Ali’s name. No
devoted daughter,
or
wonderful field hockey playe
r, or
most beautiful girl in Rosewood
. There wasn’t even the day, month, or year she’d died. That was probably because no one
knew
the exact date.

She shivered. “Do you think I should say something?”

Sean pursed his pink lips. “When I visit my mom’s grave, sometimes I do.”

“Like what?”

“I fill her in on what’s going on.” He looked at her sideways and blushed. “I went after Foxy. I told her about you.”

Aria blushed too. She stared at the headstone but felt self-conscious. Talking to dead people wasn’t her thing.
I can’t believe you’re dead,
Aria thought, not able to say the words out loud.
I’m standing here, looking at your grave, and it still isn’t real. I hate that we don’t know what happened. Is the killer still here? Is A telling the truth?

Yesssss,
Aria swore she heard a far-off voice call. It sounded like Ali’s voice.

She thought about A’s note. Someone had wanted something of Ali’s—and had killed her for it. What? Everyone had wanted
something
of Ali’s—even her best friends. Hanna had wanted Ali’s personality, and seemed to have appropriated it after Ali vanished. Emily had loved Ali more than anyone—they used to call Emily “Killer,” as in Ali’s personal pit bull. Aria had wanted Ali’s ability to flirt, her beauty, her charisma. And Spencer had always been so jealous of her.

Aria stared into the taped-off area that would be Ali’s grave and asked the question that had been slowly forming in her mind:
What were you guys really fighting about?

“This isn’t working for me,” Aria whispered after a moment. “Let’s go.”

She gave Ali’s future grave a parting glance. As she turned away, Sean’s fingers entwined with hers. They walked quietly for a while, but halfway to the gate, Sean stopped. “Bunny rabbit,” he said, pointing at a rabbit across the clearing. He kissed Aria’s lips.

Aria’s mouth curled up into a smile. “I get a kiss just because you saw a rabbit?”

“Yep.” Sean nudged her playfully. “It’s like the game where you punch someone when you see a VW Bug. With us, it can be kisses—and rabbits. It’s our couple game.”

“Couple game?” Aria snickered, thinking he was joking.

But Sean’s face was serious. “You know, a game that’s only for us. And it’s a good thing it’s rabbits, because there are
tons
of rabbits in Rosewood.”

Aria was afraid to make fun of him, but really—a
couple
game? It reminded her of something Jennifer Thatcher and Jennings Silver might do. Jennifer and Jennings were a couple in her grade who had been going out since
before
Aria had left for Iceland at the end of seventh grade. They were known only as Double-J, or Dub-J, and were called that even individually. Aria could
not
be a Dub-J.

As she watched Sean walk in front of her, heading toward their bikes, the delicate hairs on the back of her neck stood up. It felt like someone was looking at her. But when she turned around, all she saw was a giant black crow standing on top of Ali’s headstone.