Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Social Issues, #Drugs; Alcohol; Substance Abuse, #Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, #Dating & Sex
they’re on the sniff, nothing
is
too much to ask. They’ll give
up careers, sacrifice families.
Buy a new car, hand over
the key
to the one who wears skin
they want to lose themselves
in. And the funny thing
is, they don’t seem
to
care who knows it. Not
friends. Not colleagues.
Not even the people they
treasure.
Size Two Skin
That’s what I’m currently wearing.
Fifteen-milligram Meridia is one magic
little pill. You don’t even want to look
at food. The only problem is dry mouth.
Gack. Like sucking on cotton. At least
I’m drinking lots of water. Flushing
out pockets of poison. And fat. Fat. Fat.
Pretty soon my body will be totally
fat free, thanks completely to Xavier.
Thank God I met him. Everything
has fallen into perfect place. He’s setting
me up with runway gigs, and because
of that I can quit worrying about Miss
Teen Nevada. Yeah, it would be nice
to own that crown, but like Xavier says,
If you want to go back to pageants, there’s
always Miss Nevada next year.
Or even
the year after. I don’t really need that kind
of stress right now. As Xavier says,
You
know what makes worry lines? Worry.
You leave the worry to me. I’m allowed
a few lines at my age.
He does have some
at the corners of his eyes, but I think
they make him even cuter. Mom thinks
so too. In fact, he’s got Mom eating right
out of his hand, and that’s a very good thing
because I’ve decided not to go to college
next year, and Xavier will convince her
it’s okay.
College will always be there.
But you’ve only got a few short years
to work runway. College is better
with money in the bank. You know?
Beyond Runway
Xavier has connections at all the big
’zines. He says once the plastic surgeon
does her thing, high-fashion shoots
are a sure bet. The nose job is only
a couple of weeks away. The day after
Easter.
Once you heal up nice and pretty,
I’ll talk your mom into the implants,
Xavier
promised.
Everyone will want you then.
Everyone will want me. And I want
that. If the price tag is going hungry,
or making a few alterations, it’s all good.
When everyone wants me, those stupid
girls at school will be sorry they made fun
of me. When everyone wants me, Patrick
will have to shut his mouth. When everyone
wants me, maybe Conner will want me too.
My Heart Still Cries
For Conner. But I have to admit
I don’t think about him every waking
minute anymore. And I dream about
him less and less. Is this always what happens
when someone you love leaves? They
fade away, blur into memory like childhood
fantasies? Part of it, of course, is focusing
on my career, fine-tuning my goals, near
and distant. I can thank Xavier for that.
Plus, having a man around to stroke
your ego takes the edge off not having
one around to stroke the rest of you.
I suppose that would be nice too.
And the longer Conner is out of my life,
the more I’m starting to realize someone
else might want to make me part of theirs.
Not That I Have
A whole lot of time for dating right now,
but if someone asked me out, I just might
say okay. Especially if he looked like
the guy sitting two tables away. Yummy.
Almost yummy enough to distract me
from the reason I’m here. Namely, lunch
with Dad and Shiloh, who have just arrived.
Rose’s is a small place, so I couldn’t hide
even if I wanted to. Dad spots me right
away.
There’s my girl. Where’s your sister?
I’m not exactly sure Jenna is planning
to join us. But I say, “Late, as usual.”
He sits across the table, putting Shiloh
next to me.
You must be Kendra,
she says.
Your dad talks about you and Jenna
all the time. I’m glad to meet for real.
Up close, she’s younger than I thought.
Way to go, Dad. “Uh, yeah. Me too.”
Also on closer view, Dad’s mustache has
silvered and he has gained a pound or ten.
What’s good here?
he asks, scanning
the upscale soup, salad, and sandwich menu.
Does he not remember our pre-theater family
meals at Rose’s? “Pretty much everything.”
I look up from my own menu just in
time to catch Shiloh checking me out.
She blushes, but doesn’t look away.
So,
what are you getting?
Maybe she wants
diet tips? She could use a few. “A half
spinach salad.” Hold the bacon, egg, and
dressing. One cup spinach, seven calories.
A few bites of avocado. A skinny lunch.
We Debate
Waiting for Jenna. After ten minutes,
Dad decides to go ahead and order.
Meanwhile, unfortunately, it seems it’s
time for small talk. I mention Xavier,
and (just loudly enough so Mr. Yummy
can hear) tell them about my fast-tracked
runway career. “Xavier says I’ll make over
fifty grand next year. And that’s just to start.”
Shiloh (who named her
that
?) sits, shaking her
head.
Unlikely. And modeling is tough work.
Anger spatters like hot oil in cool water.
“Really? What would
you
know about it?”
Dad intervenes.
Don’t get your back up.
Shiloh is in the business. Sort of, anyway.
I design costumes for showroom shows,
she says.
I know the business inside out.
I Wouldn’t Exactly
Equate the two, but I guess I’ll keep
my mouth shut. Or change the subject.
Dad, however, beats me to it.
What
about college? Won’t it be hard to keep up?
“I’m going to take a couple of semesters
off. Put some money away. You know.”
The tips of Dad’s ears flare. I haven’t
seen that in a while.
Have you discussed
this with your mother? I don’t think
she’s going to be very happy about it.
“Mom doesn’t care what I do,” I fire
back, not that the assessment is even close
to accurate. “And why do you suddenly
give half a damn?” Our eyes interlock.
I never stopped being your father,
Kendra. I never stopped caring.
He Excuses Himself
And goes off to the restroom about
thirty seconds before lunch arrives.
Shiloh and I stare at our plates for
a long minute or two. Finally she says,
You really have no clue how much
he misses you, or how proud he is
of your accomplishments. Did you
know he keeps a scrapbook of newspaper
clippings about you? Photos of your
pageants and cheerleading?
I shake my head. Don’t want to listen.
Anger is easier than forgiveness.
We are strangers. But I hope that will
change. Your father and I want you
and your sister to be part of our family.
And here’s the thing. I’m worried about
you. Are you aware of the damage
an eating disorder can do to your body?
I know you want to be thin so you can