Perception (34 page)

Or maybe
she was the one who had failed.

Rather
than stay and talk, rather than push her to open up to him, Xander had given in
and walked away. Giving her the space she had asked for.

But why
not? Their time was over. He didn’t owe her anything and vice versa.

After he
left, she had spent the better part of the morning in her home office and the
afternoon with a new client who seemed genuinely interested in purchasing one
of the luxurious downtown condos she’d shown him. Even now, Mercedes had a hard
time remembering which places she’d shown him.

Considering
her state of mind after what had happened last night, Mercedes was grateful her
client had been so agreeable. Had he not been, she wasn’t sure what she
might’ve done.

Aside
from that brief reprieve from her overwhelming thoughts, Mercedes had spent the
day in a fog.

She
blamed Xander.

The man
had left her completely out of sorts. Especially after he’d taken her home from
Devotion and cared for her so sweetly. They’d shared a bath and to her
surprise, he hadn’t questioned her about what had happened during their scene.
She’d appreciated that more than him soaping her up and then using his skilled
fingers to make her come apart twice more before they finally fell into bed.

At least
she hadn’t had the dream last night. The one that included the shell of a man
she’d come to care about more than she was willing to admit. The same man that
she had set out to dominate, to prove to both of them just who she was, and
failed.

She
figured she wouldn’t be having the dream again because she feared Xander had
worn her down and her need to dominate was fading like print on old newspaper.

She was a
fucking submissive. Wait. Scratch that.

She was
his
fucking submissive.

The
notion was like a slap in the face and Mercedes wasn’t at all happy. Up until
last night, she’d been able to tell herself that she just needed the
opportunity to dominate Xander. To prove to him that she was merely acting when
she submitted to him.

Yeah,
well, they’d both learned the cold hard truth, hadn’t they?

Mercedes
had
submitted to him. Not just once, but many times. Including one time without any
provocation on his part.

In fact,
last night at Devotion, she had focused more of her attention on Clarissa and
less on Xander. Because she knew deep in her heart that she didn’t want to
dominate him.

She was
in love with Xander Boone.

Head over
heels in love with him.

Never in
her life would she have thought herself capable of falling in love for real.
And definitely not with a Dom.

Then
again, it did explain the series of bad relationships she’d had over the years.
She’d obviously been going about it all wrong for her entire life.

During
the day, when she had been showing one condo after another to a man who had
more money than sense, she had come to realize that she had been working
diligently to be something she wasn’t. A Domme. She had wasted years of her
life trying to dominate men because that kept them at a distance; it refrained
them from having any power over her.

The way
her father had when she was just a child.

And now
she had no power whatsoever.

But worse
than that, she feared that Xander thought less of her for it. If he were as
interested in her as he acted, he was probably rethinking now that he knew she
was weak.

Mercedes
knew the type of women he dated. They were all strong willed, even if they
submitted to him sexually. They weren’t the meek submissives he tended to play
with from time to time at Kink. The women who held his interest wouldn’t just
roll over and give up.

God, she
hated this pity party she’d thrown herself. She wanted to get out of her funk,
but the day had only continued to get worse when she realized Xander had never
called. At least not until he needed a date to a business dinner with Logan and
Samantha.

Oh, sure,
she had tried to sound relieved, but the truth was, she had been disappointed.
Xander hadn’t been planning a romantic dinner for just the two of them. He
hadn’t had any intention of spending time with her.

Or maybe
this was his way of letting her down gently. Moving their relationship back to
a platonic –
slash
– business friendship. He probably hoped she wouldn’t
even realize it.

“What do
you think?”

Mercedes
focused on the faces around her and realized Samantha had asked her a direct
question. Since she had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, she
felt like a fool sitting there staring at her.

“I’m
sorry. If you’ll excuse me,” she muttered, reaching for her clutch and rising
from her chair.

At the
exact same time, both men stood, neither of them reclaiming their seats until
she was several feet away.

Rather
than run to the bathroom and break down in tears like she first intended,
Mercedes did something worse.

She took
off out of the restaurant and straight to her car. And as soon as she was
safely inside, the tears broke free and didn’t stop, even when she walked
through her front door. 

Xander
knew the moment Mercedes excused herself that she was going to bolt from the
restaurant and not look back. No, he hadn’t gone after her. He had wanted to,
he just hadn’t done it. But that was because he was hoping against hope that
she would decide to come back on her own.

When he
realized the inevitable had happened, and Mercedes had been gone for fifteen
minutes, Xander kindly asked Sam if she would go check on her. A few minutes
after that, Sam had returned to inform him that she wasn’t in the restroom but
that she did inquire with the hostess, and the woman personally saw Mercedes
leave the restaurant a short while ago.

Not surprising.

Without
hesitating, Xander had excused himself with a quick apology to Logan and
Samantha, who politely waved him off, encouraging him to go after her. On his
way out, he left his credit card number with the waiter and headed for his car.
The drive home took half the time it should have, but he was a man on a
mission.

Once he
made it to Mercedes’s front door, he didn’t even bother knocking. Instead, he
used the key he had and waltzed right in.

That was
when his heart had lurched right into his throat.

Following
the sound coming from the back of the condo, Xander slowly made his way, his
heart racing as he closed the distance between himself and the woman he loved.

Just as
he thought, she was in her bedroom. With one foot inside the room, he came to a
halt when he saw her standing in front of the floor to ceiling windows,
silhouetted by the bright lights of the city in the distance.

But she
wasn’t admiring the view.

She was
crying.

Rooted in
place by the sight, he tried desperately to find his voice but couldn’t. He
cleared his throat in an attempt to dislodge the giant knot of emotion that had
formed upon hearing her soft sobs, and to alert her to his presence.

In a move
that was very unlike Mercedes, she turned to face him, not bothering to try and
wipe the tears he knew were streaming down her face. Although she was in
shadow, he could still see her face. She didn’t smile, and she didn’t offer any
excuses as to what she was upset about.

He
already knew.

He
was
the reason for the tears and the thought made his gut churn.

Knowing
Mercedes, she had spent the better part of the day trying to come to terms with
what had happened last night. But, unlike him, she wasn’t coming to the same
conclusion Xander had.

No,
Mercedes wasn’t thinking that the reason he’d ended their scene so abruptly had
anything to do with the fact that he had fallen in love with her. She wasn’t
the glass half full type of woman.

He would
take the blame for that. It wasn’t like he’d made a full-fledged effort to try
and talk to her about it. Quite the opposite. Instead of telling her how he
felt last night when they’d come back to his place, Xander had, for lack of a
better term, chickened out.

And to
make matters worse, Xander had convinced himself that she had needed some time
and distance to sort through what she was feeling. So he’d left her alone.

“Why
didn’t you say something?” she whispered.

He could
barely make out her words, but he heard enough to process the question, but for
the life of him, he wasn’t sure what exactly she was referring to. Surely she
wasn’t asking why he hadn’t just come out and told her that he loved her and
that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Not after what had
transpired at Devotion.

She
must’ve realized he was at a loss because she continued. “Did you not even
think to question what happened between us last night?”

Last
night?

Maybe it
was the alcohol, or maybe it was the sight of her tears, but Xander wasn’t
functioning on all cylinders. He knew it wasn’t the alcohol because he hadn’t
had enough to even get buzzed, much less enough to jumble his thoughts.

But
seeing Mercedes cry… that was enough to tear him up inside. In all the time
he’d known her, never once had he seen her cry.

“I didn’t
have a reason to question last night,” he told her now, trying to put two and
two together, but still coming up short. Sure, there were other nights he had
thought to question, like the first time they made love, or every time after
that.

“No? You
used your safe word, Xander. You backed out of the scene, but you didn’t ask
any questions.”

Xander
stared at her. “Me? What about you? Did you think to question me? Did you think
to ask why I couldn’t go through with it?”

“I did
ask you why!” she countered. “You didn’t answer me.”

She was
right. He hadn’t answered her. And for very good reason. The last damn thing he
had wanted was to profess his love for her in a glass room at a fetish club. He
had more class than that. “I didn’t want to say it then,” he admitted,
realizing he was being vague.

“Why? Because
I failed?” she asked on a sob. “Because I pushed too hard? I don’t blame you,
Xander. I know I failed. I tried to manipulate the scene because I was
invested, but I was too attached to see clearly.”

 “That’s
not why I used my safe word. I used it because I didn’t want to go any further.
I didn’t want another woman, Mercedes. Don’t you understand that?” Xander moved
closer because he couldn’t stand to be so far away from her.

“Stop,”
she snapped, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t need your
pity, Xander. I know what you think of me. I know you’re trying to find a way
to let me down easy, but I’m here to tell you not to bother. Our five days are
over. You win.”

“
Win?
”
Xander couldn’t control his outrage. As his heart rate doubled, fear digging
its talons deep into his soul, he swallowed, then bit out, “How the fuck do I
win if you walk away?”

“You did
what you set out to do. You proved that I’m submissive. I don’t hold a candle
to you, Xander. I’m not built the way you are. I gave up too easily. So, yes,
you were right.”

“I wasn’t
out to prove anything,” Xander growled, ignoring her request for him to stay
back. He moved until he was practically up against her. He tipped her chin with
his finger, forcing her to look up at him. “I wanted to be close to you. You
gave me that. So, if you want to think I won, then yes, maybe so. But only
because I had
you
with me.

“You know
me, Mercedes. You know how I think. I didn’t just come up with this out of the
fucking blue. I found an opportunity, and I exploited it. That’s what I do. I
go after what I want. And I want you. I’ve
always
wanted you.”

Mercedes
honestly looked shocked by his admission. Xander inhaled deeply, lowered his
voice and continued, “And after that first night at Devotion, I knew for a fact
that what I felt for you was real. There was – no, there
is
– something
between us, Mercedes. I’m not willing to ignore it any longer. That was the
reason for this. Not because I wanted to prove something. I don’t give a damn
about any of the rest of it. I care about you.”
I love you
, he thought
to himself. He didn’t say the words because he knew she wouldn’t hear him. She
didn’t
want
to hear him right now, he could see it in her eyes.

“But now
you know how easy it was to get me to submit to you,” Mercedes responded,
confusion riddling her words.

“
Easy?
”
Xander laughed, but there wasn’t an ounce of humor in it. “Honey, there hasn’t
been anything easy about you. Not since the day I met you. And definitely not
in the last few days.” Xander gave her a small smile. “You’re one of the most
hard-headed women I’ve ever met. You’re strong. Confident. Independent. And you
fucking make my blood boil.” Cupping her face with his hand, he leaned in
closer. “Last night, you made me burn for you. I was willing to do damn near
anything to just be near you. But only you. No one else. Don’t you see that?”

Mercedes
stared back at him, tears glistening on her long lashes. “I’m weak.”

“The hell
you are,” he argued. “And if you keep this up, I’m going to bend you over my knee,
Mercedes. This isn’t who you are.”

“It is.
I’m a submissive, Xander. This is exactly who I am.”

“Is that
what you think? That submitting to someone means you’re weak?” He knew she did,
but he wanted to force her to think it through. “Is it? Do you truly believe
that being a Domme gives you all the power? Have you learned absolutely nothing
in the last few days?”

Mercedes
tried to push away from him, obviously pissed at his accusations. He didn’t let
her go.

“Being a
Dom doesn’t define
me
. And being a submissive doesn’t define
you
.”

“Oh, but
it does,” she argued, anger burning bright in her eyes.

“It’s
about perception, Mercedes. You see what you want to see. Everyone sees what
they want to see. When we were at Devotion, and I had you strapped to that bench,
do you think I was in control? No, pet, you were.” Xander wiped away a tear
that slid down her cheek, lowering his voice. “You’ve been in control since the
moment I met you. Since the very first time I laid eyes on you. It didn’t
matter whether you were submitting to me or not.”

“I don’t
feel in control. I hate this, Xander. I don’t want to roll over and give up. I
spent too many years doing just that.”

“I don’t
want you to give up either. I want you to fight. Fight for this. Fight for…
us.”

“But you
want me to submit to you.”

“Yes, I
did. I still do. Because I want you. I want to take care of you, Mercedes. I
want to give you what you need. I want to bind you to me, to know that I mean
as much to you as you mean to me. But I want so much more than your submission.”

 “I
grew up submitting. He broke me. He broke my mother. All of my choices were
taken away. He ruled everything.”

By “he”,
Xander knew she was referring to her father. The son of a bitch didn’t deserve
to be walking.

“You
weren’t submitting, Mercedes. You were reacting. It wasn’t submission; it was
self-preservation. He was a bastard for what he did to you and your mother.
Don’t ever compare the two. It isn’t the same.”

“What’s
the difference?” she asked, her lips trembling.

“Love,”
he said easily.

Mercedes
tried to step back again, looking as though he’d slapped her when he said the
single word that he had a feeling scared her the most.

“I love
you, Mercedes,” he told her as he wrapped his arms around her waist, not letting
her get away from him. “I have always loved you. I loved you before you
submitted, and I love you just as much, if not more, now.”

Her eyes
widened, but she stopped trying to get away.

He had
absolutely no idea what she was thinking, but at least, for the moment, she was
right where he wanted her. In his arms.

~~*~~*~~

Mercedes
was pretty sure she was hearing things.

Xander
loved her?
That’s what she thought she heard him say, but it couldn’t be
true. Could it?

Before
she had the chance to ask him to repeat what he’d said, Xander kissed her.

It was
gentle and sweet, and it made her skin tingle from the inside out. His lips
whispered over hers, and her heart felt like it tumbled in her chest. It was a
kiss, but it was so much more.

“I love
you,” he said again. “And I’m not saying that as a Dom to a submissive. I’m
saying that as a man to a woman.”

This
time, Mercedes heard him loud and clear. Taking a moment to study him, she
peered into his eyes, trying to read between the lines.

But that
was the problem. There weren’t any lines. This was Xander. He didn’t play games
and he damn sure didn’t say things that he didn’t mean.

“You love
me?” she asked incredulously, her voice hoarse from her tears.

“More
than anything.”

Xander
pressed his lips to hers once again, but not quite as gently. She could taste
the bourbon on his tongue, but not only that. There was something else.
Passion. Love. Acceptance. That’s what she tasted.

He wanted
her.

He
loved
her.

Mercedes
wrapped her arms around him and held him close, the tears breaking free as he
continued to kiss her.

Never in
her life had she felt like this. Like her entire being was made up of air, and
she was going to float away if she didn’t hang on. God, if this were what love
felt like, then she knew for a fact that she’d never even come close to loving
someone in all of her life. Not like this.

Long
minutes passed before Xander pulled back. When he did, Mercedes was scared to
let him go. She didn’t want to wake up to find herself alone in her bed – to
find out that this had all been a dream.

Xander
chuckled as he pulled her arms from around him, taking her hands in his and
leading her toward her bed.

“I want
to make love to you,” he told her, his eyes mysteriously shiny. “Just you and
me. No Doms or submissives. Just the two of us tonight. Understand?”

Mercedes
nodded, lacing her fingers with his and allowing him to pull her closer as he
sat on the edge of the bed.

This time
when he pulled her against him, she gave in. She allowed herself to feel
everything he was offering her. Allowed herself to love and be loved at the
same time. Something she had always been too scared to do.

Her Domme
armor crumbled into dust just from his touch. She knew there was no going back.
Not at this point. But Mercedes didn’t want to go back. He’d stripped her
emotionally and built her back up all within a breath. With just three words
that she had longed to hear, longed to feel.