Penelope (24 page)

“Hello,” said Ted. “Do you want to come over? Mike and Nikil are playing a board game and I don’t want to play. How did the country report go?”

“Oh, pretty well,” said Penelope. “I had to stay up all night.”

“You did? That sucks! Did you sleep today?”

“A little,” said Penelope.

“You should tell me all about it when you get here.” Penelope could hear Catherine’s voice in the background. “Who is that?” she was asking.

“Oh, gee,” said Penelope. “I really would but I can’t tonight.”

“What, are you serious? You can’t come over? That’s ridiculous, you can always come over. You never do anything.”

“I do sometimes,” said Penelope.

“Why are you talking in that weird voice? Are you going out with that Argentinean guy?”

“Yes, in fact,” said Penelope. “We are going to get a drink.”

“Well, he should know better than to take a freshman to a bar and get her drunk. You don’t even have a fake. I think that’s kind of ridiculous.”

“I don’t think so,” said Penelope.

“Well, have a good time, if you can even get a drink at all,” said Ted.

“OK, I will.” Penelope closed her phone. She was in front of the bar.

Penelope was nervous now. Ted was always very discouraging when he discovered things about her romantic life. Nevertheless, she walked inside Daedalus. There was no one at the door checking for ID, which was lucky. The downstairs was taken up by a large wooden bar filled with an intimidating number of alcoholic beverages. A bartender eyed her suspiciously. Penelope hurried up the stairs to the second floor. She looked around. It seemed empty. She wondered if she had come to the right place.

“Penelope, darling,” Gustav yelled from behind her. “Why, we thought you would never come!”

Penelope turned around. Gustav was sitting in a booth with three other people. Two of them were men and one of them was Bitty, whom Gustav had his arm around. One guy looked like a tiny version of a 1930s movie star. The other had a ruddy, bony face, long limbs like a rower, and tight blond curls. Penelope had a strong desire to pretend she hadn’t seen them and walk out. She made her way backward slowly.

“Come over here! I hope you are not still exhausted!” said Gustav. Penelope could not escape now. She walked over to the booth, but there was no obvious room for her. The 1930s movie star got up and moved a spare chair to the head of the booth, as befitting the gallantry of the decade in which he was born. Penelope sat down.

“Where have you been, darling? I was just telling Bitty that I was about to invoke the law,” said Gustav.

“Oh. I thought you said ten o’clock,” said Penelope, who took off her jacket.

“Did I? I must have done. But you do forget these things after a couple of scotch and sodas. What do you want to drink?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I will have a scotch and soda too?”

“I am sure that is the opposite of what you want. I will get you something else.”

“OK,” said Penelope.

Gustav got up from the table and ambled over to the bar. He was wearing a green velvet smoking jacket. The table resumed the conversation it must have been having before Penelope got there.

“Didn’t you think the way those girls acted at the party on Friday was a little ridiculous? It pains me to say it of Bee girls, but I think they didn’t have enough respect for our club, and it really offended me,” said Rower.

“What did they do?” said Bitty, righteously indignant. She was wearing a black turtleneck sweater with pearls over the neck of the sweater.

“They just acted a little too comfortable in the clubhouse. Do you know what I mean?”

“I do,” said Bitty. “I know exactly what you mean.”

“You just can’t just go up to the second floor and like sit on the furniture like that. It’s someone’s house,” said Tiny 1930s Movie Star, who was wearing a tiny suit jacket over a tiny polo shirt.

“It’s your house!” said Bitty. “Well, it’s your clubhouse. That’s very disappointing to hear of Bee girls. I will have to talk to them.”

“Thanks,” said the 1930s movie star.

Everyone was silent for a bit.

“What are you doing for break?” Bitty asked Rower.

“Unfortunately, I have to stay in the city. I am taking some meetings with people. Remember how I told you I was starting up that company that was a social networking site for slow-food enthusiasts? It’s a little like Facebook but just for slow food. Well, I am meeting with Jamie Oliver and Lloyd Blankfein about it. They are very interested. I just kind of want to hear what they have to say.”

“That sounds fantastic!” said Bitty.

“I really think people like that with experience in business can have great ideas,” said Rower in a self-deprecatory way.

“I totally agree,” said Bitty.

Gustav came back. He was carrying a pink frothy drink, which he put down in front of Penelope.

“This contains two cups of grenadine as well as various other things. I am sure you will love it.” He sat back down next to Bitty in the booth.

“Thanks,” said Penelope. She sipped her drink through the small straw you were supposed to use to stir it. “This is the best drink I have ever had. I feel like I am doing something wrong when I make drinks. They never taste like this.”

“I know that this is true,” said Gustav. “Because I have had drinks that you have made before, and they have tasted like poison. It is clear that alcohol makes no sense to you.”

“It just has such a strong flavor,” said Penelope. “What do you put with it, except milk or something.”

“Alcohol has such a strong flavor?” said Tiny 1930s Movie Star.

“Yes,” said Penelope.

“How do you know Gustav?” he said to Penelope.

“We have a class together,” said Penelope. “And my roommate knows him.”

“Who is your roommate?” asked Bitty.

“Emma Green?” said Penelope.

“Oh, Emma!” said Bitty. “How is she?”

“Good,” said Penelope. “You and I are also in a play together. I am in
Caligula
with you.”

“Oh, right,” said Bitty.

“Bitty, is that the play you are in?” said Rower. “I’m really excited to see it.”

“Me too!” said Tiny 1930s Movie Star.

“Oh, thanks, guys,” said Bitty. “I am really excited for it too. I think it is going to be so good. Don’t you, Penelope?”

“What?” said Penelope.

“Henry Wills-Mather is such a genius,” said Bitty. “It has the potential to be really amazing.”

“I have been hearing really great things,” said Rower.
From who?
wondered Penelope.

“Bitty darling,” said Gustav. “It does sound rather nice. But for my part, I do think this two Caligulas idea sounds suspect. Why can’t you be the only Caligula?”

“Gustav!” said Bitty. She punched him in the shoulder. “It’s because Caligula is a man. I am just the female side of his consciousness.”

“Bitty, I do wish that you would control your violence better,” said Gustav. “I worry that you are indulging in method acting.” Bitty started to hit Gustav with both of her hands.

“Where are you from, originally?” asked Rower politely.

“Connecticut,” said Penelope.

“Did you go to Hotchkiss?”

“Um, no,” said Penelope.

“I’m trying to think of anyone you would know, that I know, from Connecticut.”

“Who do you know from Connecticut?” said Penelope.

Rower looked at her apologetically and then turned back toward the group.

“Gustav!” Bitty said loudly. “Can you get me another drink?”

“OK,” said Gustav. “My you are a demanding woman. But as they say in adverts, those are the ones who are worth it.”

“You know what? I think I had better go,” said Penelope.

“Oh, no, Penelope,” said Gustav. “Don’t go! You only just got here.”

“I know,” said Penelope. “But it’s a school night. And I think this drink is really alcoholic.”

“It is rather,” said Gustav. “I feel guilty about that. Do let me walk you home.”

“But Gustav! What about my drink?” said Bitty.

“I just have to step out and walk Penelope home and then I will come back and get it for you.”

Bitty shrugged. Gustav got up and followed Penelope down the stairs and out of the bar.

“What a wonderful end to a trying day,” said Gustav. “I am officially drunk. Did you have a good time?”

“Oh, sure,” said Penelope.

“Chad is a funny chap isn’t he?”

“Who is Chad?” asked Penelope.

“The one in the pink shirt,” said Gustav.
The rower
, thought Penelope. She had not noticed any jokes.

Penelope walked silently beside Gustav. The smoking jacket was resplendent in the moonlight.

“How do you know Bitty?” asked Penelope.

“Bitty? Well, she and I go back forever. We went to the same summer camp for a while. Though perhaps I knew her before that. These things are very hard to say.”

“Oh, cool,” said Penelope. “It must be fun to know people before you get here.”

“But Harvard is so small,” said Gustav. “Who doesn’t know people before they get here? Half of my class from school went here. And, of course, one friend breeds fifty or something. Whatever that expression is.” Penelope had never heard that expression and considered describing how untrue it was in her case, but then thought the better of it.

They had reached the front door of Pennypacker. Penelope couldn’t believe she originally thought this was a date. In high school this was always happening to her. She routinely overestimated the gravity of a romantic situation. It had landed her in some embarrassing scrapes too, like the time she thought she was going on a date with the basketball team captain when in fact she was going to manage the basketball team practice. It took her three semesters to extricate herself from that activity.

“Well, thanks for walking me home. Bye!” said Penelope, turning around and trying to get into her dorm as quickly as she possibly could.

“Wait one moment,” said Gustav, grabbing Penelope’s hand. “Where are you going so quickly?”

“Inside,” said Penelope.

“Why don’t you stay here with me, while I smoke my pipe?” said Gustav. He sat down on the stoop in front of her building and took out his pipe. It was made out of ivory and looked very old.

“But what about Bitty’s drink?” said Penelope, who was so shocked by the pipe’s appearance that she sat down on the stoop.

“Old Bitty is a resourceful girl. She’ll see to it that one of those men gets her a drink. You have to pacify her in the moment, that’s all. I know from experience.”

“OK,” said Penelope. Gustav lit his pipe.

“So, Penelope,” he said, “what do you do?”

“I go to school,” said Penelope.

Gustav chuckled. “Oh, I don’t mean that. I know that. I mean, I suppose, what defines you? What are your passions and activities?”

“I don’t really have any,” said Penelope.

“Oh, that’s just ridiculous. Everyone does something, especially at Harvard. What about in high school? What did you do for fun then?”

“I don’t know,” said Penelope. “I taught myself Morse code sometimes.”

“Why did you do that?” asked Gustav.

“Well,” said Penelope, “what if I was ever kidnapped by spies?”

“True,” said Gustav. “I was not thinking of that. You should teach me to say something.”

“OK,” said Penelope. “What do you want to say?”

“I am trapped by some spies. All of them are extremely handsome. Perhaps I am experiencing Stockholm syndrome? Love, Gustav.”

“That is a good message,” said Penelope. “OK, I will teach it to you. Let me get a stick so you can hear it better.”

Penelope got up to look for a stick. She found one near a small tree planted in the sidewalk. She brought it back to the
stoop and started tapping Gustav’s message onto the stair. Gustav looked incredulous.

“I have no idea whether you are right, but it seems you really are very good at this. Of course, you are going far too fast for me to actually absorb any of it. I fear I am hopeless at distinguishing any of the taps.”

“You are not,” said Penelope. “I mean, even Thomas Edison was a telegraph operator.”

After Penelope was done tapping, she sat down next to Gustav on the stair. He chewed the end of his pipe. Then he put his pipe in his pocket slowly and thoughtfully, like a judge would.

“What a weird thing to do,” said Gustav. Then he grabbed Penelope, pulled her into him, and kissed her. His tongue was nothing like a dead fish. Penelope was almost afraid she was too in shock to kiss him back, or to be good at kissing. Then she stopped thinking of anything.

“Hey!” said Penelope after about thirty minutes.

“What?” said Gustav.

“I have to go inside,” said Penelope.

“Are you saying that because I sort of tried to unbutton your shirt just then? I couldn’t really help it, I’m sorry. I just have this thing about Oxford shirts.”

“I mean, it wasn’t that, exactly, although if you had taken my shirt off on this stoop that would have been bad, I think.”

“Quite right. The evils of hypothermia and all that.”

“Also, I mean, it’s sort of embarrassing. What if someone saw us? We are just lucky no one has walked by yet on their way back from the library.”

“All very good points,” said Gustav. “Which is why, perhaps, we should go back to your room and discuss them?”

“No,” said Penelope. “You have to go back to the bar and buy Bitty a drink.”

“Oh, screw Bitty!” said Gustav, who tried to bite Penelope’s neck. “She is probably gone anyway.”

“I would feel guilty if you didn’t go back and at least see,” said Penelope. She stood up.

“Can I see you again?” said Gustav.

“Sure,” said Penelope. “Maybe we can get ice cream.”

“Ice cream in the winter? You do have an interesting constitution. I will call you about it and discuss it further, at some point in my life,” said Gustav. “I will think of some other activity. You do not have any say in the matter, because you will only confuse the issue.”

“That sounds good,” said Penelope.

“Bye, Penelope,” said Gustav. He got up and left. She went inside Pennypacker.

Penelope felt like jumping up the stairs. She could not believe this night had happened. Gustav, the man who was the closest to Hercule Poirot she had ever known (and although Poirot was the ideal, Gustav was much more handsome by classical standards), had kissed her. Then he asked her out on a date! Suddenly, Penelope could not remember why exactly she had said good-bye to him at the door. It had something to do with fear, but she hoped it would be mistaken for strategy.