Peach Blossom Pavilion (52 page)

Shrouded in the chilly morning mist, the temple was silent. No fragrant guests clamored in the courtyard. Yesterday's boisterousness and animation were replaced by a melancholic quietude. In the distance, a few nuns were doing their cleaning meditation. Snow drifts, like jilted women, mingled with yesterday's debris, adding a deserted feeling.

As I strode rapidly toward the main building, I saw a very young nun lumbering toward me. A pail bounced from each end of a bamboo pole, which cut deeply into her thin shoulders. Water kept sloshing and spilling onto her cloth-slippered feet.

I put my hands together, smiled, and said respectfully, "Good morning, shifu.

The young nun let the bamboo pole slip off her shoulders and the pails landed on the ground with a heavy thud. More water spilled. She smoothed her robe and wiped her forehead with the back of her small hand.

"Good morning, miss." She smiled back, revealing melon-seedlike teeth.

"Shifu, I'm looking for Wonderful Kindness Abbess. Would you kindly tell me where she is?"

The young nun's thin brows knitted. "Why do you want to find her?"

For a while I weighed how to respond. How would she react if I revealed I was her abbess's daughter? So I lied. "It was Wonderful Kindness Abbess who asked me to come visit her today."

Now the young nun looked even more puzzled. "She did? But that's not possible."

I felt color rising to my cheeks. It was like Hong Yi! Mother must have left orders not to allow me to see her. I pulled my coat around my chest to ward off the chill. "Why ... not?"

"Because she's already left the temple."

My heart raced. "When?"

"Around five-thirty, right after she finished chanting her morning lesson."

"But why?"

"No one really knows."

"That's strange," I smiled amicably, "for she did ask me yesterday to come to visit her. So what happened?"

The young nun cast me a curious glance. "Last night Wonderful Kindness Abbess told us she'd seen some strange visions during the ceremony, so she needed to go right away to the mountain to meditate. We can't tell anyone where she went. She said that she'll only be back when she's gained illumination. Eternal Purity shafu will take over the temple's affairs until she comes back."

I was amazed by this news. "Did Wonderful Kindness Abbess say what kind of visions she had?"

The young nun paused to look around nervously, then plunged on, "She didn't, but Eternal Purity shafu noticed that Wonderful Kindness Abbess look disturbed and acted strangely toward the end of the ceremony. Eternal Purity shafu said she couldn't figure out why, since our abbess is always calm.

"Fortunately we have Eternal Purity shifu who's been assisting her in matters big and small, but still, no important decision will be made without Wonderful Kindness Abbess's permission. We just can't imagine life here without her, even for a few weeks. There are so many things waiting for her to decide. Oh, Wonderful Kindness Abbess does so many things! Like meeting with the big hufa to get donations, discussing plans about the next ceremony, expanding the temple, organizing charitable deeds ..."

I was trying to understand how my mother had changed since she'd climbed on the train to Peking ten years ago. I'd been too young then to have any idea of what might have awaited her, but now I realized how precarious things must have been for her. She might have arrived at the nunnery only to be turned away. Or allowed to stay but assigned the most menial tasks. Yet now, listening to this young novice's descriptions, I suddenly realized it had not been like this at all. In ten years, the fragile, introverted housewife I'd known as my mother had somehow worked her way up to be come an important, decision-making "business nun." A change that Baba, I was sure, would have been unable to believe.

Then the irony seized me: Both my mother and I had become prestigious, albeit her as a nun and me as a prostitute!

I asked the young nun, "Do you know which mountain the abbess has gone to?"

"The Empty Cloud Mountain."

"Where is this Empty Cloud Mountain?"

"West of the Temple of Heaven, about twenty miles ..." the young nun blurted out, then slapped a hand against her mouth. "Oh heaven, I'm not supposed to tell this!"

I put on the warmest smile I could maneuver. "Don't worry, shifu; I won't let anyone know where the abbess is."

The young nun didn't respond, but stared at me with suspicion. Her almond eyes widened. "Miss, I hope you are not going to find her; are you?"

I didn't answer her question, but asked instead, "Do you know exactly where, I mean in which temple, she is dwelling?"

She wiped the moisture from her brows. "But Eternal Purity shifu said Wonderful Kindness Abbess wishes to be left alone. No one's supposed to go look for her on the mountain. Only Eternal Purity shifu knows exactly where she is."

"It is on a matter of extreme urgency that I'm looking for her."

She cast me a suspicious glance. "Then what is it and who are you?"

I was tiring of this nun's self-importance and almost wished I'd come wearing an expensive dress with conspicuous jewelry. With some annoyance I said, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't tell you. I can only tell the abbess herself."

"Miss, we must all wait until Wonderful Kindness Abbess knows it is the right time to come back."

There was no point in talking to her further, so I put my hands together, bowed, and took leave.

As soon as I got home, I began to pack for my trip to Empty Cloud Mountain. When Ouyang stopped in for his lunchtime rain shower with me, I told him that I had to go back to Shanghai for a week to attend my father's funeral. I felt a bit guilty about using my long-dead baba to cover up my lie, but since I was doing this to find Mother, I was sure Baba would forgive me.

The next day, when the sky outside the window was still as dark as ink smeared on rice paper, I leaped out of bed and quickly dressed in a plain padded top and pants. I took only a few things with me-an umbrella, another set of clothes, a quilted jacket, rice cakes, hard-boiled eggs, and a pouch filled with silver and copper coins. Then, when I was already outside the apartment, I remembered something more important and dashed back-to grab the four fu amulets Qing Zhen had painted for me. Since I had no idea where in the mountain Mother was staying, I decided, like last time when I'd traveled with Teng Xiong on Taiyi Mountain, to start from the base and work my way up. Whether I'd find her or not was entirely up to my Karma.

After a long, tedious ride in a hired car over bumpy roads, I finally arrived at the base of the mountain. Peddlers selling incense and other Buddhist paraphernalia accosted me but I waved them away. Finally I agreed to pay an excessive amount to two coolies to be taken up the mountain in a sedan chair. We stopped at the gate of one temple after another, as I asked about my mother. Some had already heard of Wonderful Kindness's disappearance and, sipping their tea noisily, threw out endless conjectures about this abrupt departure, never imagining that the cause was right in front of their eyes. When asked why I was looking for the abbess of Pure Lotus, I answered that I wanted to entreat her to be my Dharma teacher. Many looked at me curiously but none inquired further.

Five days had passed, and as I worked my way higher and higher up the mountain, I still hadn't any word about where my mother was. When night fell, a temple would carry out its compassion by inviting me to stay the night and to eat in their Fragrant Kitchen. To repay their kindness, I'd drop some copper coins into their Merit Accumulating Box-depending on their degree of hospitality. Though disappointed, at least I had the good luck not to be discovered by bandits. Having learned my lesson painfully, I avoided any hidden path and did not travel at night.

On the afternoon of my sixth day on the mountain, the weather suddenly turned bad. Curtains of rain swept over the path, shaking the trees, knocking down leaves and mercilessly pelting the roof of my sedan chair. The wind picked up speed, attacking like a ferocious beast. Soaking wet and battered by this invisible enemy, the coolies stumbled a few times before they finally spotted a temple. Then they demanded that I double their payment, not only for their hard work, but also because it was Chinese New Year. I'd completely forgotten the approaching holiday. Would heaven grant my New Year's wish of reuniting with Mother?

The abbot of the small monastery was an old man with a large head and a small torso. After he led me into a small reception room, he pointed to a rattan chair and invited me to sit. Though he had a kindly look, I somehow felt I should not intrude too much on his quiet life on the mountain. So, as soon as we were settled and a young monk came in to serve tea, I came straight to the point, expressing my intention to find Wonderful Kindness Abbess from Pure Lotus Temple.

The old monk looked at me intently, his eyes clear and bright. "Miss, there are many nuns on this mountain."

"Do you know her and where she is?"

He nodded. "One time when Pure Lotus carried out a big ceremony for the release of hungry ghosts, she invited many temples to join, including ours."

"But do you know where she is now?"

"Miss, I think you should go back to Peking."

"Master, why ... shouldn't I look for her?"

He caressed his smooth, shiny scalp. "It's too dangerous for a young girl like you to be traveling alone on this mountain. You're lucky that you haven't run into bandits, so the Buddha must be protecting you. And if you want to learn Dharma or meditation, there are many teachers around. Besides, even if you find her, that doesn't mean she'll agree to teach you. We monks and nuns come to Empty Cloud Mountain to be left alone." He paused to sip his tea, then said, "She might feel disillusioned by her hectic life in a city temple. In those big temples, you have to go around begging rich people for money instead of meditating and studying sutras.

"Wonderful Kindness Abbess is very famous, but I'm sure she knows well that all worldly achievements are transient." He looked at me sharply. "So, miss, I think you should leave her alone. She must have exhausted herself while trying to be enlightened by the Water and Land Ceremony. Please leave her to the peace of the Dharma."

Now the young monk began to refresh our tea. "Master," he said eagerly-obviously he'd been listening to our conversation"I heard that in the big ceremony, a flower girl got into the inner altar room . . . "

I felt a jolt inside.

The old monk cast a sharp glance at his disciple before he turned to me. "Miss, I think that I and young shifu here have talked more than we should." Now he said to the young monk, "Bring this miss to her room and get her some dinner. But please don't bother her with any more talk."

The next morning, although the rain hadn't stopped, I decided to go on with my search.

When I took leave of the old monk, he exclaimed, "Miss, I hope I didn't say something to make you leave! You're most welcome to stay as long as you want."

"Shifu," I put my hands together and made a deep bow, "I'm extremely grateful for your generosity. But I just want to go on with my trip."

"Why not stay until the weather is completely clear? The paths are very slippery now. It's not safe."

"There's no real safety in life anyway."

"I agree with you." He cast me a curious glance. "But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be careful. Buddhism also tells us to take good care of ourselves."

I conveyed my regret that I must take leave.

He gave in. "Then let me give you a simple blessing before you go.

Watching the rain streaming outside the sedan chair, I thought maybe I should have listened to the abbot and given up my search. The trip had exhausted not only me, but also my wallet. I'd stuffed too much money into too many Merit Accumulating Boxes, and tipped the coolies far more generously than I should have.

Since my mother seemed to be running away from me, why didn't I just go home and forget about her? But I knew I wouldn't die with my eyes closed if I didn't see her, at least one last time.

I must have fallen asleep, for when I opened my eyes and looked outside, everything was white. This reminded me of Baba's hairturning white overnight after the verdict of his execution had been passed. Then a famous scene from the novel Dream of the Red Chamber emerged in my mind. Tricked into marrying the wrong woman after the death of his true love, the young master Baoyu decided to cut himself off from all worldly entanglements and become a monk. When he stepped out of his grand mansion and headed toward the temple, he noticed that the whole world was covered with snow. "How white, boundless, and pure! " he exclaimed, then plunged into the snowstorm and was never heard from again.

Suddenly the sedan chair bearers stopped, jolting me awake from my reverie. Ahead of us rose a long flight of stairs.

The puller in front turned around to look at me, his face wet and his hair white from the snow. "Miss, I think the snowstorm is getting worse."

The stout one now came from behind. "And we want to go home." He pointed a gnarled finger toward the steps. "There must be a temple up there, so why don't you pay us and get off here?"