Patchwork Dreams (18 page)

She wouldn’t. Especially the day before church Sunday, when she’d be needed to help clean out the barn and make sure it was ready for the benches to be set up.

Though Daed would have Jacob out there helping to set things up, too. The whole family worked together, especially after the cooking was done.

In fact, she should have stayed home and helped out tonight instead of running off to the frolic. But she had enjoyed sitting and talking with Jacob, Annie, and Matthew. She’d even harbored brief daydreams of Annie and Matthew maybe starting to court, but she hadn’t seen any sparks between them tonight. Nothing besides casual interest.

Had Annie and Matthew seen the attraction she felt for Jacob?

Probably so. Annie was pretty astute. She always figured out who was courting whom long before Becky did. Of course, Annie usually attended the frolics and singings.

At least, she had until Luke jumped the fence.

Becky thought this was the first frolic Annie had attended since then, but she wasn’t sure.

She let her mind wander back over the evening. Ben had seemed so shocked when Jacob had shown up with her and called her a Proverbs 31 woman. She’d need to reread that chapter sometime, but it seemed that was his way of telling Ben that she was worthy.

Worthy.

She pulled in a deep breath, tears burning her eyes.

If only she could believe that.

Jacob reached out and let his arm settle on the back of the buggy seat. In a few minutes, his arm was wrapped around her shoulders, and he pulled her against him. “Want to go someplace and talk? I’m not ready to go back home yet.”

Talk? Alone? Becky swallowed. Ach, but she was torn. She wanted to go talk, to hear him say what he really thought of her, convince her of her worth. But what if he couldn’t? And the truth was, she was ready to go home. It was long past Emma’s feeding time, but Mamm had probably given her some formula already. Becky couldn’t use her boppli as an excuse.

Jacob’s hand lazily traced figures on her shoulder.

If they were going to talk, then McDonald’s would be a good place. But the sensations she felt didn’t have much to do with wanting to talk. Besides, they were already going the opposite way. Becky swallowed. “Nein. I need to get home. Emma might need me.” She shrugged, instantly ashamed of her lie.

She felt Jacob’s chest rise and fall with the breath he took. “Jah, probably so. Then, I’ll be looking forward to tomorrow.”

His hand brushed against the bare skin of her neck. Accidentally, she was sure. But still, she shivered from the contact.

She needed distance—physical and emotional. Ach, if only she could bring Susie up again. But then, why not?

She did want to know if Jacob had decided to court her on the rebound. He’d said he’d wanted a break, but maybe he was just trying to save face after being dumped by his Susie.

She gave him a sidelong look. “Does it bother you, Susie dating Timothy?”

Jacob’s fingers froze. His hand moved off her shoulder. After another moment, he slid his arm from the back of the buggy seat and grasped the reins with both hands.

Ach. Why couldn’t she leave well enough alone? Jacob probably thought she yanked him like a yo-yo, though she felt the same way inside.

For a moment, she heard nothing but the rumble of buggy wheels and the clomping of horse hooves. Then, he finally spoke. “Does it bother you, being courted by me? Is that why you keep bringing up Susie?”

***

He’d probably sounded harsher than he intended, which would explain why she’d winced. But he’d said he wanted to court her; he’d told her that he wanted to think about them as a couple, and that the intent was there to make a promise. Why did she insist on asking about his former love?

Jacob expelled his breath with force. Nein, he hadn’t been in love with Susie, not really. Though what it would have been called, he wasn’t sure. Puppy love, perhaps? One thing he’d learned is that an instant flash of attraction doesn’t mean love. He had courted Susie, which had been all her idea. Come to think of it, she was the one who had brought up marriage and talked about it as if it were a decided fact. And he’d gone along with it, never giving much thought as to whether they should take that step. They had always disagreed about whether to join the church—Jacob wanted to be a member of the community and not an outcast, and Daed would have shunned him, even if the church wouldn’t have, if he’d left before baptism.

Susie wanted to leave the Amish. She’d chafed at the rules. She’d even gotten her hair cut super-short and styled it in spikes colored redder than her natural strawberry blonde. At home, she’d hid it under her prayer kapp, and Jacob didn’t know if her parents had ever found out she’d cut it. He’d hated her new hairstyle. Begged her to grow it out.

Jah, with hindsight, he could see why Daed was set against Susie. Especially now that Jacob had met Becky.

Sweet, quiet, steady, dependable Becky.

The type of woman any good Amish man would dream of marrying. The kind he could take home to Mamm and Daed without being ashamed. Daed would be thrilled to know about Becky.

He opened his mouth to say something else when Becky stayed quiet. But he didn’t know what to say. Always Susie between them.

His heart stuttered as he wondered if Daed and Daniel might have planned this out in advance. Knowing how Daed had wanted him away from Susie enough to lie about the reasons for his trip, and knowing how Daniel had tried his hand at matchmaking, he wouldn’t be surprised. But then, how could they have known? Hoped, maybe. But they couldn’t have known for certain that he would be attracted to her.

He glanced at Becky, surprised to hear a sniff. Her face was turned away from him, but it didn’t take much imagination to realize she was crying. Or trying not to.

She hadn’t answered his questions. Ach, he must have been harsher than he’d realized.

But then, he hadn’t answered hers, either.

And he still didn’t know what to say. Could he explain Susie’s pushiness and rebellion in a way Becky would understand?

Jacob drove the buggy down the driveway and parked it in the barn. Becky tried to keep the tears from falling, but every now and then, one crept out of the corner of her eye, ran down her cheek, and dripped off her chin.

Jah, Jacob was on the rebound. He didn’t say it, but then, he didn’t have to. He’d answered her question with a question. And she couldn’t answer him without betraying her heart.

Jacob engaged the brake and hopped down from the buggy, coming around to her side before she had a chance to gather her skirts enough to turn sideways. The next thing she knew, he had lifted her down and pulled her into his arms. His strong hug felt comforting. Warm. Safe.

His chest rose as he drew in a breath. “Bex, I’m sorry. Susie and I…I mean, I…um, nein. It didn’t bother me when Susie asked for a break. I planned to ask her for one, anyway, and I…well, as far as I’m concerned, Susie and I are over. And now I’m wondering whether I ever loved her. I think not. After all, would I be here courting you if I’d been in love with her? Nein, I’d be hopping on a bus back home and trying to win her back, ain’t so?”

She supposed that made sense. Relief washed through her.

His hands flattened against her back, pulling her nearer. “I haven’t written to tell her about you, but I’m sure she’ll be just as pleased that I found someone as I was to hear she did.”

Becky blinked. “You’re going to tell Susie about me?” Not a good idea. She couldn’t imagine how Susie would react to that news.

“Jah. Why not? I’m not ashamed of you.” He lifted a shoulder in a carefree shrug.

Why not?
Men were so clueless. She could think of a million reasons why not.

Number one on the list was the phrase “Ich liebe dich” that Susie had written at the end of her letter.

But how could Becky tell him that? She pulled away from him. “I need to go.”

He released her but still blocked her way. “But you didn’t answer my question, Bex. Do you want to be courted by me? Simple answer. Jah or nein. Pick one.”

Simple answer? If only he knew that it was anything but simple. She studied the dirt by their feet, wanting to say “Jah.” Truly, she did. But she couldn’t think of how to say it without sounding breathless with longing. She couldn’t give him that power. He’d end up hurting her, destroying her dreams—dreams that had only dared to peek out of the ground since being nurtured by the warmth of Jacob’s attention.

But she couldn’t say “Nein,” either. That word would sound the death knell of their relationship, for sure.

And she was still torn up inside over so many little things. What would Daed say if Jacob started courting her? On second thought, that wouldn’t be an issue. Daed seemed to be treating Jacob more like a son every day.

The biggest question was, How did she know she could trust him?

Words. All words.

Jacob seemed to pick up on her hesitation. He sighed and stepped out of her way. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t give me permission to kiss you. Because no promises can be made as long as one of us is uncertain.” His voice sounded flat. Resigned. With every bit of life drained out of it.

Guilt ate at her. She hadn’t meant to make him feel bad.

“Gut nacht, Bex. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

***

Ach, that hurt. He’d been anticipating their good-night kiss almost the whole way home. Instead, they hadn’t kissed, and it seemed they were back on shaky ground. That solid barn wall had resurrected itself, leaving his heart battered and bruised.

After unhitching Shakespeare and putting him up in the stall, Jacob snuck into the dawdi-haus and upstairs to bed. Turning the gas light on in his bedroom, he decided to take a few minutes to write that note to Susie before saying his prayers and crawling into bed. It wouldn’t take long.

Thinking of Susie triggered another thought, and he dug into the dark recesses of his suitcase until he found his cell phone. Flipped it on. Low battery. Yeah, he’d figured that. But he hadn’t figured on having so many missed calls.

He’d ask Daniel about charging it up tomorrow.

He turned the phone off, slipped it into his pants’ pocket, and dug into the suitcase again, looking for the plain white paper and stamped envelopes Mamm had sent with him when she’d given him orders to correspond.

He needed to write another letter home, too. Mamm had sent him at least three letters that he hadn’t answered. Other than the letter he’d written when he’d first arrived, he hadn’t sent anything home. So much for being a faithful son.

His family would be sleeping now. But what had they done that day? Grossmammi had probably fried up some apple fritters. His stomach rumbled. Best not to think of food at this hour.

He decided to put off writing to his family until he’d written to Susie and officially ended that relationship. It was done. Finished.

No matter what happened with Becky.

Dear Susie,

Danki for your note. Glad you are doing well. I had a gut trip down to Missouri. Cousin Daniel has a blacksmith shop and has been teaching me.

He also has a daughter named Becky. I think I’m in love with her. I’ve never felt this way before. So I’m glad you asked me for a break.

I wish you the best with Timothy.

Jacob

He slipped the letter into an envelope, addressed it, and pulled the plastic strip off the flap to seal it. There.

And now, to write to Mamm and Daed. They would want to hear all the details of everything he hadn’t shared in his first letter, from the hot, smelly, dirty job as a blacksmith to the lack of apple trees on Daniel’s property, on down the list to his growing attraction for Becky. He might even tell them about her hesitation where he was concerned, so they would know that it was possible nothing would come of their relationship.

He tapped his pen against the paper.

Dear Mamm and Daed,….

***

It was still dark outside when someone shook Becky’s shoulder, rousing her from her troubled dreams. “Rise and shine,” Mamm said cheerfully. “Lots to do today, daughter.”

Becky wanted to roll over, bury her face in the pillow, and go right back to sleep. But Katie was already out of bed and bustling around, and even though Mamm had left the room after waking her, she would return if Becky didn’t make an appearance in a short while.

She rubbed her gritty eyes. That was her reward for crying herself to sleep, then shedding more tears during Emma’s 2:00 a.m. feeding.

Her bleak situation didn’t look any brighter this morning than when she’d stumbled to her room last night.

As long as one of us is uncertain….

She didn’t know how to take that. Her feelings were certain; she just didn’t know how to express them. Or even why he wanted to court her. She was the one with the past. He must not be thinking clearly, because he wouldn’t want her if he was.

Jah, he was the one who was uncertain. At least, he should be.

Which ultimately meant that she would be wise to guard her heart.

Any hope she’d been cultivating had just gotten a bad case of frostbite.

She put her dress on, securing it with pins, and roughly pulled her hair back and up, smashing her kapp down on top of it. Then, leaving Emma asleep in the crib, she hurried downstairs.

She tried not to let it bother her when Jacob strode in with his usual, cheery “Gut morning, Bex.”

Just as if her dreams hadn’t been squashed like a bug underfoot.

Jacob noticed that Becky looked tired, but that didn’t seem to slow her down at all. Even though she yawned, she still worked circles around him as he helped the family get the barn ready for Sunday services. He didn’t know how clean they expected the barn to be, but he did as he was told. In addition, he helped carry in the benches and spread around copies of the Ausbund.

It was mid-afternoon before things slowed enough for Jacob to work up his courage to approach Becky about the fishing trip they’d planned. He hoped she’d still go with him. Even if she didn’t, he still needed directions—not necessarily from her, but it’d give him an excuse to talk to her. Maybe the chance to touch her soft cheek.