Past Imperfect (14 page)

Groggy, I shuffled into the kitchen where my roommate, Alexis, was in the middle of making coffee and humming an upbeat little tune. She and I met during our first year in law school. She’d been living here for a couple of weeks, and so far, so good. Well, except that, Alexis was a morning person, and I was definitely not. That was especially the case this morning. I had been out most of the night with my new buddy, Kevin. He was a third-year law student. We had been spending time together for a month or so, nothing serious. I didn’t do serious. I did distraction and Kevin was a decent distraction. We would study together sometimes, grab a meal here and there, and have sex when the mood struck us.

Sitting down at the kitchen table, I planted my face in the palm of my hands. I was working on a raging migraine brought on, no doubt, by one too many Fireball whiskey shots last night. The sound of the coffee mug making contact with the table caused me to wince in pain.

“Rough night?” Alexis asked.

“Yeah, but I like it that way.” I lowered my hands reaching for the mug of relief and gave her a smirk.

“You’re such a slut, Mabry.”

“I know, but you love me in spite of it all.”

I closed my eyes, taking another sip of coffee. When I opened them, Alexis was sitting across from me, a serious and apprehensive look on her face.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked.

“Can it wait?”

“Not really.”

“Okay, then, shoot.” I took in a deep breath.

“Let me just say first, that I really like living here.”

“But…?”

She shifted uncomfortably in her chair and said, “Mabry, I’m no prude, but I really don’t want to hear you and Kevin screwing each other.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, surprise in my voice.

“I heard you guys last night.”

“That’s impossible.”

“It’s okay. I mean, what you do is your business. I don’t look down on you because of it. I just don’t want to hear it.”

“Alexis, what exactly do you think you heard? Kevin wasn’t even here last night. We were at his place and then I came home.”

“I heard your bed squeaking and your headboard banging against the wall.”

Shit.

I sat frozen, not exactly knowing how to respond. I must have been head banging. The details of last night were still a little fuzzy. Lately, there had been times that when I was with a guy the disconnect was so suffocating I would self-harm in order to feel something. Even a momentary burst of pain helped before the numbness set in. Being disconnected from other people was my preferred state, but it left me empty and wanting. I missed the feeling of being a part of something, of someone. I hadn’t let anyone affect me for such a long time. It was a lonely existence, but a safe one. At times, the loneliness got to me and last night was one of those times. I needed to be more careful with Alexis living here.

“I’m sorry you heard that, but I swear, it wasn’t Kevin and me. I must have been having a bad dream and was just thrashing around a lot. I’m not a fan of the sleepover. I usually go over to his place, it makes for a quick and easy getaway.”

“Oh, well, I’m sorry. I just assumed,” she stammered.

“It’s okay.”

After a few seconds of awkward silence, she stood and said, “I’m going to do some laundry. Do you have anything you need washed?”

“I have a few things tossed on the floor of my room. I’ll go get them.” I started to stand.

“I’ll get them. You stay and finish your coffee.”

As I sat there relief mixed with shame washed over me. I knew what I had been doing and I wasn’t exactly proud of it, but it had become such a part of me and how I coped. I was startled out of my thoughts when I heard Alexis yell.

“Oh my god, Mabry!”

Standing, I rushed toward my room, meeting Alexis in the doorway. “What’s wrong?”

“Are you okay?” she asked, panicked.

“Yeah, why?”

“There’s blood on your pillow.”

“I must have had a nose bleed. I get them sometimes,” I said, desperately trying to act like this was no big deal.

Vibrations ran through me as panic and embarrassment flooded my body. I knew I had been feeling empty last night when I arrived home and that I banged my head a few times, but I didn’t realize any damage had been done. I walked past Alexis into my room, trying to remain as calm as possible. There wasn’t a huge amount of blood on the pillow, but it was definitely noticeable. I heard Alexis gasp behind me.

“Mabry! We need to get you to the hospital. There’s blood on the back of your head.”

“Alexis, I’m fine. I must have hit my head when I was getting into bed last night. I was pretty drunk.”

“Let me take a look at it.” I moved away from her as she walked toward me with her hand extended.

“No! I said I’m fine.”

“Mabry, you hit your head so hard that it caused it to bleed. You need to see a doctor.”

“I don’t need to see anybody. It was a stupid mistake. Just mind your own business and leave me the fuck alone.” I turned on my heels and quickly headed to the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.

I paced the bathroom several times before turning on the shower, letting steam fill the room. That was a close call. I had never been that close to having someone discover what I did. I couldn’t let anyone find out. The shame and humiliation would kill me. I stepped into the shower and let the hot water cover me. I raised my hand, touching the back of my head, and winced when I felt a sizable bump that was tender to the touch.

Fuck me. I’ve got to be more careful next time.

I pull up to Mabry’s place, kill the engine, and send a quick text letting her know I’m outside waiting. The past two weeks have been incredible being with her. I finally feel like I know where I belong. I want to be a better man. I want to improve every part of myself because that’s what she deserves.

A few minutes later she walks out of her place wearing a pair of dark jeans, a body-hugging green T-shirt with a matching cardigan, sleeves pushed up to her elbows, and a pair of green plaid tennis shoes. Her hair is in a low side ponytail with several strands framing her face. She has on pale pink lip gloss and a little blush, her makeup simple, but perfect. She’s so adorable and sexy. I’ve been out with girls who wear expensive clothes, a ton of makeup, and have every hair strategically in place, but none of them can hold a candle to Mabry. She doesn’t need clothes to make her look gorgeous, which is good, because I prefer her sans garments as much as possible. I can’t believe how lucky I am that she’s let me be a part of her life.

A smile slowly creeps across her face as she walks up to me. “Hey baby,” I say, flashing her
the smile
.

“What is this?” Surprise and confusion are evident in her voice. I love throwing her off balance.

“It’s my Harley Davidson Softail Classic,” I answer, taking off my helmet.

“Did you just get it?”

“No, it was a gift to myself for graduating law school.”

“How did I not know you had a motorcycle?”

“Sweetness, I cannot reveal all the awesomeness that is me at one time. It would blow your mind if I did. Now, sway your sexy little ass over here and climb on.”

As she approaches I hold out the helmet I bought for her. Her eyes light up when she says, “Oh, it’s so pretty. The blue matches your eyes. Did you get it because it matches your eyes?”

“Yeah, I got it because it matches my pretty eyes,” I say, teasing her. “Come here so I can put it on you.”

We lock eyes as I put the helmet on her and secure the strap. I lean in and give her a soft kiss on the lips.

“You’re my very own Jax Teller,” she says with a sexy as hell grin.

“I love to hear you say that.”

“Well, you are mine.”

“Oh, most definitely, but I was referring to being compared to Jax. He’s the biggest badass on TV.” She narrows her eyes at me. “Let’s get rolling.” I hold out my hand to help her climb on behind me. She doesn’t make a move; she stares straight ahead. “Mabry, is everything okay?”

“Huh?” I raise an eyebrow in her direction. “Sorry, I was just thinking about Jax’s ass.”

“Yeah, me too,” I say, all dreamy-like. She bursts out laughing and climbs on behind me. “What? I’m secure enough in my manhood.”

Her arms slip around my waist as her inner thighs hug my hips, and my entire body instinctively molds back against hers. It always catches me off guard how perfect we fit together. The energy between us is so palpable that I can feel the low steady hum of our bodies as Mabry hugs me to her. I close my eyes for a split second, taking in a deep breath. My world has shifted so dramatically since she came into my life. I feel connected and as if I now have a purpose. I’m not a drunken mistake. Raising her hand to my lips, I place a kiss in the center of her palm.

The feel of her chin presses into my shoulder as she whispers in my ear, “I love you, Brad.” She always knows when I need to hear her say it.

“I love you too. Let’s get this show on the road.”

“Where are we going?” she asks, while I’m putting on my helmet.

“Making up for lost time,” I answer.

We wind our way through the narrow streets of downtown Charleston, passing the beautiful multicolored historic homes, the artisan market, and over the bridge on highway sixty-one headed to who knows where. As long as I’m with him, it doesn’t matter what Brad has planned. The past two weeks have been heaven. I’m happy. It’s been so long, I’d forgotten how it actually felt. Hell, I’d forgotten what it’s like to feel anything, except pain. Since meeting Brad, the emotions I had spent years numbing had fought to escape. Each time I was with him they broke free a little more until I was no longer strong enough to keep them from surfacing. That day at his place when I finally let go and allowed myself to love him is either going to be the smartest thing I’d ever done or the dumbest.

I love, want, and need Brad in my life. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t completely get rid of the gnawing fear, that if this ended, I wouldn’t be strong enough to go on. Would I imitate my mom, and not be able to survive without him? I haven’t self-harmed for two weeks, but the urge is still there. Not as strong, but still present for some reason. After my mom died I couldn’t imagine a day when I would be happy again. Somehow I had convinced myself that by some miracle, if that day did come, the desire and need to hurt myself would vanish, but I was wrong.

We pull into the driveway of Middle Place Gardens and Inn. This is where Brad’s Plan A was supposed to take place a couple of weeks ago. It’s one of my favorite places in the world. I remember coming here as a child with my mom for the day. We would tour the gardens, which always had something in bloom no matter what time of year. We’d also visit the stable yards, which housed the type of animals that were used on the plantation at one time or another. But my all-time favorite part of the gardens was the joggling board, which was a long bench made out of pliable wood. The seat was springy, so a person was able to bounce up and down on it. Mom and I would sit and bounce for the longest time when we were here. No visit was complete without time spent on the joggling board.

Climbing off of the bike, I say, “We’re doing Plan A.”

“Plan A, modified,” Brad corrects, as he walks behind the bike and unstraps a duffel bag I didn’t notice before.

“What’cha got there, Jax?” His sexy lips form into a huge grin. He really loves being compared to Jax, which causes me to giggle.

“Just a few things that we’ll need for our stay.”

“How long are we staying?”

“All day.” He strides over, stopping directly in front of me. His eyes shift from my lips to my eyes. “And all night.” Leaning in, he nips at my lower lip before sliding his tongue in, giving me a quick, but deep kiss. Then he walks toward the entrance.

Quickly following behind, I inform him, “Brad, I didn’t bring anything to change into.”

“Got you covered, Sweetness.” He pats the side of the duffel.

I reach out and grab his upper arm, turning him in my direction. “I don’t have clothes.”

“You can wear those jeans tomorrow. I brought you another T-shirt.”

“I don’t have a toothbrush.”