Parenting the ADD Child: Can't Do? Won't Do? Practical Strategies for Managing Behaviour Problems in Children with ADD and ADHD (15 page)

This information will prepare you for Step 8, where you will be urging your
child to organise himself and tackle tasks daily.

The problem with `things-to-do'

There are things to do every day: getting up on time; putting things away;
leaving a room tidy behind you; going to bed at a reasonable time. It's a long
list. Most of them are just routines: actions we repeat over and over. For adults
they become habits that we don't even think about; but all children need
help to get to that stage, and ADD children need extra help.

Many ADD children consistently fail when it comes to things-to-do and
get aggressive and argumentative about doing them. This can make their time with their parents full of stress and conflict. Being organised is helpful.
It makes life easier.

Task wars: Why are things-to-do hard for ADD children?

Typically, things-to-do signal big areas of conflict between ADD children
and their parents. In many respects ADD children are just like other children
when it comes to chores. They find them boring and dislike being asked to
do them. All children have to learn that chores are part of life, and they all
rebel at times. So some rebellion is normal for ADD children and not part of
their condition.

However, for ADD kids daily tasks are particularly difficult because they
are made up of things that they are not good at such as concentrating,
avoiding distraction until the task is finished, remembering what comes
next, and controlling the urge to do something more interesting.

Usually, when we teach children daily tasks it goes like this: `I
demonstrate it, then you do it, then you repeat it.' But this does not work so
well for ADD kids. They pick up how to do the task easily enough - ADD
children are often bright and learn new skills quickly - but the ADD makes
repeating what they have learned, in the same order and without getting
distracted, hard - even something taught to them just minutes before! So
what should be a doddle becomes arduous.

Things-to-do: What it means for ADD children

Martine and Dominic

ADD children not only fail at things-to-do, they also get aggressive and
tantrummy when they do.

Martine has this problem with her seven-year-old son Dominic. `I have
always felt that I had to nag Dominic to get things done. I would expect him
to get on and do things, but as soon as I turned my back he would be doing
something else. Then when I reminded him, World War Three would break
out. He was just four or five then, but he would refuse point-blank to do as he
was told. Even if I asked nicely, "Please tidy your room", he would "go into
one". The whole street must have heard the rows we had.'

Many parents report similar experiences. Just mentioning that a job needs
doing can lead to an outburst.

Martine and Dominic are a classic example of how the trouble starts.
Martine didn't know for quite a while that Dominic had ADD. She had the
same expectations of him as of her older son Nathan, who doesn't have ADD.
She expected jobs to be done without fuss. She naturally compared the two
boys. She didn't have to nag Nathan - he just got things done. She concluded
that Dominic was naughty and defiant. Dominic once told me, `I don't know
why but I could never get things right for my mum. I used to say I didn't
know why I forgot things. She didn't believe me. So I got to hate her for
picking on me. It felt unfair.'

From the start Dominic's ADD always held him back, particularly when it
came to organising himself and doing jobs. He wanted to please his mum,
but the way he behaved meant he never managed it. He felt more nagged and
criticised than his brother. Dominic is a sensitive and loving boy. But he felt
he wasn't as good as his brother and he resented the nags and got angry. By
the time he was four, he was questioning how much his mum loved him. He
appeared to have given up trying to please her.

Every time Martine nags it acts as a truer for these feelings. Dominic
shouts and lashes out to avoid the tasks he finds hard and detests. The words
`Tidy ... room' can be enough to set off his temper. The wilder he gets, the
less Martine feels like asking. He feels more isolated than ever.

Understanding Dominic's response

Dominic is insecure and lacks self-esteem. His best form of defence is attack.
He learned a long time ago that if he shouted really loudly his mother would
back off. At first a small tantrum would put her off trying to make him do as he was told. Now she is getting tougher with him, and he produces more
severe and more persistent outbursts to keep from doing as he is told. It
works, so he keeps it up.

Understanding Martine's response

Martine never sees Dominic succeeding, or helping her. She expects failure
and feels frustrated. She feels dominated by her son's tantrums. She knows
Dominic is getting away with too much, but his tantrums are so extreme that
they seem like `fits' to her and they overwhelm her. She is angry inside.
During their arguments she says things she doesn't mean and sometimes she
lashes out. She blames herself, and is at her wits' end over what to do.

Dominic's and Martine's pattern

Task peace

If your aim is:

to get your child to succeed where in the past he failed

to stop him feeling criticised and marginalised

to show him you understand and want to help

- here's what must happen:

1. You must get your child organised. To do this you will need to break
down a task into a schedule - a simple sequence of steps that he can
follow. How you do this is explained in Step 8.

2. Both of you must interrupt the behaviour pattern that leads to rows.
This means drastically reducing the number of confrontations
between you when things are said and done that you don't mean -
the rest of this section outlines how to do this.

3. Praise must again become your secret weapon (see Step 4).

Make a fresh start

Here are some new motivators that you could try, to help you make changes
as far as things-to-do are concerned:

`I take each day at a time.'

`Each day is a fresh start, and my efforts will work.'

`I'm keeping up the positives, blocking out the negatives.'

`He's going to enjoy these schedules, and I'm going to benefit. I
am determined.'

`There's no going back.'

`I shall starve the nonsense, and feed what I want more of.'

Avoid the road to rows

These are the key things you must do to help things along:

Be positive, even if inside you have loads of doubts about your
ultimate success.

Describe the new approach in positive terms.

Try to be inventive. Make the new approach sound fun and
interesting, like a game.

Try to keep positive even if your positiveness is thrown back in
your face. Get into the habit of instilling hope in your child: 'OK,
we didn't get that far today. You'll crack it tomorrow.'

Be calm - especially in the first two weeks when he may try to
sabotage your efforts by drawing you into the old arguments.

Always remember your long-term goal: to reduce the amount of
anger, complaining and criticism that your child is exposed to.

Be firm with yourself. Avoid being critical and saying something
you know you shouldn't. It will just confirm for your child that you
can't change... so neither can he.

• Do not nag, criticise or confront. If you do, he will react as before.
Try your best to stop yourself when you feel you are going to do
it. In place of a nag or a moan try:

- teasing or joking: `The list is watching you - get on with it.'

- appealing to his sense of achievement: `C'mon - I know you
can do this. Look at the way you fixed your friend's bike yesterday.'

- appealing to his competitive side: `You're not going to let
ADD be the boss of this schedule are you?'

- reminding him of the incentives: `C'mon, I want you to get
those points - it's worth X or Y to you.'

Praise any behaviour that you would like to see more of.

Remember always, praise is the most important tool you have to motivate your child.
If he has done something you want to see more of, then you must show you
have noticed and get others to notice too. Do not slip into the habit of saying
nothing if it is going well and only pointing out when things go wrong - it's
all too easy to do this.

Frequently asked questions

Q 'Should I give points to ensure a positive start?'

A: Great idea. Feelings of anger and frustration have surrounded the issue of
doing tasks in the past. There are many ways in which the Home Points
System can be used to get things off to a positive start.

Q_'Isn t that bribery?'

A: No. Don't confuse bribes with rewards.

A reward is promised before a child is asked to do something. It is meant
to encourage. But it also shows you know what you are about and that you
are planning in advance. Rewards place the responsibility on the child: 'I
want you to get involved in the schedule - I know you can do it. As long as
you show me a big effort [spell out the details] today, I'll give you the points
for the computer game.'

A bribe is offered after the child has refused to do something, as a way of
buttering him up. Avoid that at all costs. It shows you have lost the initiative
and are now dependent on his next move.

Bribes put you one down: 'You said you would give the schedule a
chance. I thought we talked about this and you promised ... Look, I'll give
you a hundred points if you make a big effort.' The child is still free to reject
your offer and, in effect, to get something out of non-compliance.

TIPS FOR SUCCESS

All these actions depend on your swallowing a lot of feelings of
irritation and frustration, keeping them inside, and not 'losing it' -
otherwise, you reinforce the old patterns. Your role is to encourage
your child to stick to the schedule that you have agreed together.

• Persevere. It will take time, but trust me - it will work.

Read on to find out exactly what you need to do.