Paper Chains (26 page)

There was a knock on the door and India wandered over to answer it. When she opened it, though, there was no one there, just a note on the floor. She picked it up and unfolded it, reading its contents as she walked back over to the bed.

Get changed and come meet me by the lagoon.
Wear that green dress, you know, the one with all the sparkly bits.
All right – I know you’re going to wear whatever you want to wear, but if you happen to want to wear the green one, that would be great. Oh and don’t forget a jacket; it’s cold.See you soon.x

India smiled.
Damn straight I’ll wear whatever I want
, she thought. He had her intrigued though, and after checking through her clothes, she conceded that the green dress was the best choice if they were going to be doing something special. She ran her fingers through her short hair, spiking it up, put on her favourite hoop earrings, grabbed a silvery shawl for her shoulders, and headed out, hoping she would be able to easily find her way to the lagoon.

The sun was setting as she followed the wooden boardwalk through the bush and around to the lagoon. As she came closer she could see a small white tent set up, surrounded by flaming torches. A man was standing out the front, strumming away on a ukulele. As she reached the entrance to the tent, Simon stepped out to meet her. He was wearing an open necked suit with a dark green shirt. He caught her eye for just a second, and then he dropped to his knee in front of her.

India was caught off guard and almost reached a hand out to help him, thinking he’d tripped. But then she saw the box in his hand. As she watched, he lifted the lid and looked nervously up at her.

‘India-Lily,’ he said, and she wanted to cry at the formality in his voice. ‘Will you marry me?’

‘But . . . how?’ she began. ‘Simon, there’s no time.’

‘Pretend there was a way,’ he replied. ‘Would you?’

India felt a tear slip down her cheek. ‘Yes.’

‘Good,’ he said, standing up and slipping the ring on her finger. ‘Because we’re going to do it now . . . if you want, that is?’ And he pulled her into the tent. She laughed when she saw the small group of people – Hannah with her family, the rest of Simon’s sisters and his parents, plus a few of her old friends from Gingin. At the front of the tent, a celebrant stood waiting for them.

He whispered in her ear as they walked towards the front of the tent, ‘I know I’ve sprung this on you, but. . . are you happy?’

She nodded quickly. She honestly couldn’t remember having been happier.

The ceremony was short and sweet. For the vows, they each just spoke from the heart, made jokes about the short time they’d known one another. At first India had expected Simon to avoid talking about the fact that their marriage was going to be so short-lived. But he didn’t, and India appreciated him for it. He looked into her eyes and held her hands and his voice was filled with conviction as he spoke. ‘I know that our time together is short, but for me, our marriage will never be over. For as long as I live, I will carry you with me, India. Your energy, your fire, everything that is you – that massive spark of life that is India-Lily, will always be safe, in here,’ and he took her hand and pressed it gently to his chest.

And then the celebrant let out a sob and everyone laughed. Through gushing tears the celebrant told them to kiss and Simon actually spun her around and dipped her for the kiss, just like in one of those old black and white romance movies and everyone whooped and cheered.

Afterwards they ate dinner at a restaurant overlooking the beach and Simon admitted to India that even though they’d had a celebrant come and officiate the wedding ceremony, it wasn’t actually entirely legal as he hadn’t been able to get the paperwork through in time. But India didn’t care. She wasn’t interested in some certificate that told her she was married; all she needed was the memory of those words and the image of his face as he’d said them to her.

‘So,’ said India, as she moved around the table to sit next to Hannah. ‘This is your beautiful family, huh?’ They looked across at Liam, who had Gracie curled up his lap and one arm stretched out to absentmindedly rock Ethan in his stroller.

‘Yep. That’s them.’

‘You’re lucky, Hannah,’ said India, and Hannah reached out an arm to pull her friend into a hug. ‘I know,’ she replied.

There was gentle jazz music being played throughout the restaurant, and after dinner, Simon pulled India to her feet. ‘Dance with me,’ he said. India grinned, ‘Only if you can get Hannah and Liam up as well.’ Carol was quick to offer to take over rocking Ethan’s stroller and she whispered to India on the way past, ‘I’m sure I saw him stirring a minute ago, might have to pick him up for a cuddle.’

The four of them danced together between the tables, and India didn’t care that other diners were watching them with interest. She was having too much fun to be embarrassed. But after a few minutes she felt breathless and had to sit back down again.

The rest of the night was spent eating white chocolate mud cake for dessert, and getting to know Simon’s sisters. India sat around the end of the table with Amy, Riley and Hannah, listening to Riley enthusiastically retelling her side of the story about finding India’s letter. She enjoyed watching Hannah with her stepsisters, seeing how much she had changed since those first days in London.

They were back in their room by midnight. Most nights India felt like Cinderella, unable to stay out past twelve for fear of transforming – only in her case it was fear of collapsing in a heap if she didn’t get into bed by a reasonable hour. Their bed was luxuriously soft and India sank into it as soon as they made it through the door without bothering to take off her dress.

‘You need anything?’ Simon checked, leaning worriedly over her.

‘Just you,’ she responded, and she pulled him to her, laughing as he buried his face into her neck, kissing her ravenously.

When they made love it was slow and soft and the most intense experience of India’s entire life. The way they held eye contact as Simon gently rocked above her sent shivers of delight through her body, and when they climaxed it was together – as though they were one.

Afterwards, they both lay flat on their backs, breathing hard. ‘That. Was . . .’ Simon stopped, lost for words.

‘Incredible?’ India suggested. ‘Amazing, inspired, mind-blowing?’

‘All of the above,’ he replied.

They lay still in the darkness, listening to the sounds of the ocean, and eventually India spoke. ‘Simon,’ she said, her voice small.

‘Yeah?’

‘I don’t want to fall asleep,’ she said. ‘Because if I fall asleep then tonight will be over and once tonight is over, I’m just one day closer to – to –’ and then she dissolved into tears and Simon rolled over and held her tight as she cried into him.

‘Oh God, I wish I could take this away for you. I wish I could take all of it away and make it better and make it okay,’ he said desperately.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t mean to ruin tonight . . . I just . . . I can’t seem to stop crying.’

‘Don’t you dare apologise.’

They stayed awake for as long as they could. But as the first rays of light crept over the horizon and into their room, India finally drifted off. Simon stayed awake for much longer though, his arms wrapped around her body, his fingers lightly stroking her skin. He was trying to impress every part of this moment into his memory.

India was supposed to be in bed. They were back in the house in Gingin and over the last few days her condition had been rapidly deteriorating. Her limbs were becoming weaker and weaker and she found it so strange that she couldn’t just leap out of bed and start doing star-jumps if she so wished. That she couldn’t skip or run. That she could barely walk to the bathroom. At times she found herself becoming very confused as well. Once she sat up in bed and called out for her grandmother and she was so sure it was her voice that she had heard coming down the hallway towards her. But then Simon appeared and as she looked at him it was as though the entire world rushed forward five years as she realised that she wasn’t in bed with a bad cold waiting for a bowl of her grandmother’s minestrone soup, but that her grandmother was gone, and that soon she would be gone too. And then she burst into tears because surely it wasn’t fair that five years could just vanish like that, with a click of her fingers.

Right now though it was one of those times when she was being stubborn. She was sick of being in bed. She was tired of staying indoors. She needed some fresh air. She crept out onto the veranda with a blanket pulled tight around her, knowing full well that Simon would probably yell at her for getting out of bed and walking so far on her own.

But it was so hard not to say, ‘But, Simon, once upon a time I could have crossed that distance in just a few strides. Once upon a time, I could have danced across it.’ She wanted to shake him, wanted to ask, ‘Don’t you realise? This isn’t me. I’m not weak, I’m strong. I travel the world, I fix people, I talk to strangers, I make new friends and then I move on.’ She didn’t want the world to keep moving around her while she had to stay still. It didn’t feel right. As she tried to step down the stairs to walk out onto the grass she nearly stumbled, and that’s when Simon appeared in front of her. His eyes opened wide and his brow creased and it looked as though he was about to turn into a thunderstorm. So India had purposely made herself appear frail and weak so that instead his brow smoothed and he became a warm sunset as he pulled her into his arms and whispered, ‘You are in so much trouble right now.’ But he hugged her gently and his arms told her that they were glad to see her anyway.

‘Take me closer to the river please,’ she said. And without a word he scooped her up and carried her across the grass.

‘You should have told me you wanted to come out,’ he said as he carried her. ‘I would have brought you the whole way. And are you warm enough like this?’ But she just ignored him until they were right at the river’s edge, and then they sat down together and she rested her head on his shoulder.

One of the nurses who had been coming out to check on her each day had told her that when the time came, she would know. India was beginning to think she was right. There was a strange feeling creeping over her. As though her entire being was gathering together, as though she were preparing for a new journey, and she wondered if she should tell Simon, if she should warn him that this was it. That it was their final goodbye. But then she thought,
Well what if I get it wrong and this isn’t the end and I hang around for a few more days and then it’s all awkward between us
– and she snorted with laughter at the thought.

‘What?’ said Simon. ‘What’s so funny?’

‘Nothing,’ she replied. ‘Just a private joke. Don’t ask, you won’t like it – it’s morbid.’

‘Oh great,’ he replied, shaking his head at her.

‘What should we do tomorrow?’ he asked then. ‘I could take you out somewhere if you like? The nurse said it was okay, as long as you have plenty of painkillers and we take a wheelchair. We could have lunch somewhere nice. Or . . . we could head down to the city, see a museum if you want? Or the theatre? Want me to check what shows are on at the moment?’

Should I tell him?
India wondered.
Or should I let him believe that I still have a tomorrow?

She took in a breath with difficulty and then responded, ‘A show sounds nice, let’s do that.’ And then she took one last look at the river and closed her eyes. She fell asleep against Simon’s shoulder and she dreamed of trips to the theatre and to the museum. She dreamed of lunches in cafés and she dreamed of concerts and holidays by the beach and of a future with her husband. And in her dreams, he didn’t need to carry her, and he didn’t need to push her in a wheelchair. In her dreams she could walk. She could run and dance. In her dreams, she could grow old and the only time that Simon carried her was when he was doing it for a laugh. And in her dreams they had two children, boys with blond curly hair, and later, grandchildren, small plump grandchildren who sat on her lap and played with her necklace and called her Gran.

When Simon finally understood that this time India wasn’t going to wake up, he pulled her onto his lap, buried his face in her hair, and he cried. And if it weren’t for the nurse who finally arrived for India’s evening check-up and gently pried his hands away, he might never have let her go.

Part Six

New York in the fall

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Hannah was running, feet pounding, breathing even. She felt good. The rushing wind was cool on her sweat-soaked skin. She was on her own at the moment, but she could see another runner up ahead. Excellent, she could see them slowing. She was going to overtake. And she didn’t feel tired . . . yet.

She gave the other runner a nod as she passed him and then picked up the pace a little so that she could increase the distance between them. A couple of minutes later, a twinge in her knee forced her to take it a little easier again. She slowed to a comfortable jog and started thinking back over the last few months so that she could take her mind off her knee. There were still approximately ten ks to go, so there was plenty of time for reminiscing.

First her thoughts turned to India. It still amazed her how a person who she had known for such a short period of time had had such an impact on her. And not only that, how someone with such a huge, vibrant personality could actually be gone. Frequently Hannah had to remind herself that India really was gone, that she wasn’t off travelling in some remote location. That Hannah wasn’t going to get a random postcard from her. That she would never see her again.

The funeral had been beautiful and horrendous all at once. India had left behind strict instructions for the ceremony, so the music, the flowers, the photographs in the slide show, everything had been carefully selected by India herself, and each element was simply breathtaking. From the hauntingly beautiful songs that brought the entire congregation to a sobbing mess, to the crazy photos of India posing in fancy dress or falling from a canoe into a lake in God only knew which city, which had everyone laughing despite themselves.

The hardest part, though, was watching Simon. Hannah’s little step-brother, who had once felt like a stranger to her, but thanks to India, had been slowly becoming more and more a part of Hannah’s life. Never had Hannah seen a person look more heartbroken. It was almost as if it wouldn’t have mattered if he’d known for his entire life that this day was coming – he still would have had this sort of surprised look on his face, as though he didn’t actually think it would really happen. As though right up until the moment she died, he had still been expecting some sort of miracle. Hannah had tried to keep her distance, to allow Amy and Riley to be the ones to comfort their brother. But Simon had taken her off guard by appearing by her side as they were exiting the church and taking her hand in his.

‘All these other people,’ he’d whispered in her ear, ‘they don’t know her like us, do they?’

‘No,’ she’d replied quietly.

‘And they’ll never get to,’ he said, his voice cracking on the last word, his face crumpling. And then he’d pulled his hand out of hers and turned away. One of his mates was patting him on the back then, and so Hannah had turned to Liam, feeling awkward and unsure of what to do next.

Later the group had moved out into the cemetery, where India was to be buried. India’s choice to be placed in the ground had surprised Hannah at first. If she’d been taking a guess, she would have thought that India would want to be cremated, and perhaps released into the ocean’s waves – but when Simon had explained India’s reasoning, it made sense. She wanted to feel as though she would forever be connected with the earth, he said. She wanted to think of her body as a part of nature, wanted to be responsible for the growth of new life – flowers, plants, trees – and imagine her essence travelling through the earth, tunnelling into the core, spreading to each corner of the planet. She wanted to always be there, grounded in this world.

When they had been leaving the cemetery, Hannah had noticed a middle-aged man, standing by a tree, watching the service from a distance, and she had wondered briefly if he might have been someone. Could he be India’s long-lost father? Finally come to lay eyes on his daughter? But surely that was ridiculous, wasn’t it? How would he even know? And why wouldn’t he actually join the funeral if that were the case? But there had been something – something about the way he held himself – that had felt oddly familiar to Hannah, and she’d had to wriggle her shoulders as they walked back to the hire car, in order to make the goose bumps that had travelled down her arms disappear. She would never know if that man had just been some stranger, perhaps visiting a parent’s grave and stopping to watch the service, or if he’d actually been India’s father – but then again, she supposed it didn’t really matter. If it was him, he’d shown up much too late.

Hannah began to speed up a bit and her thoughts turned to just how much her life had changed in such a short space of time. They had moved to Melbourne in September, about a month after the funeral. It had been a spur of the moment decision. They were just about to put down a deposit on an apartment in Leichhardt when Liam’s partner had suggested that it was time to expand. She could tell he was nervous when he came to tell her about the idea.

‘Han, can we talk?’

Hannah had felt a familiar spark of fear. Ever since she had returned home, despite Liam’s continued assurance that he had forgiven her, she still thought each conversation that began with a serious note was going to end in Liam telling her he wanted a divorce.

‘Sure, what’s up?’ She had become quite good at hiding her fear though.

‘Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad – just an . . . opportunity, but we’re going to make the decision together, okay?’ The way he squeezed her arm and smiled reassuringly told Hannah that she wasn’t quite so good at hiding her fear as she had first thought.

‘I’m thinking about starting up a new branch – in Melbourne.’ He’d paused, giving her a moment to take it in, before rushing on, ‘But I don’t have to do it. And I mean that, okay? If we stay in Sydney, I’ll still have plenty of good opportunities. So don’t think that we have to do this – because I know that moving interstate is a big bloody decision. Especially when we finally found a place we actually liked in Leichhardt.’

Hannah had dropped her eyes down to Liam’s feet. She was thinking. In fact, her mind was
racing
. A new start. Maybe she could make new friends. They could have Sunday night dinners with Liam’s parents. She could find a new job, finally go back to work. They could pick a place close to the city, maybe on the river. A new childcare centre for the kids, where the staff would be friendly and wouldn’t judge her and wouldn’t know that she had run away and left her children for close to two months. She could feel the adrenalin building up, as though she had just been injected with a dose of pure form dopamine. This was
exciting
.

She looked up at Liam. ‘That place in Leichhardt had
nowhere
near enough sunlight.’

From that moment things had moved extremely fast. There were trips to Melbourne to look for houses; Liam’s business could afford to foot the bill for a serviced apartment initially, but they’d need to find their own place as soon as possible. There was packing and putting their own house on the market. There were several lunches with Hannah’s dad and her step-mother. Apparently Carol was just a bit devastated that the step-daughter she had been about to begin a ‘relationship’ with was now moving interstate. Hannah had to promise to fly up and visit regularly.

There had almost been a catastrophe when Hannah had realised that moving interstate would mean having to find a new psychologist. She was practically hyperventilating at the thought of starting all over with someone new, of having to explain to this complete stranger that she had abandoned her children and waiting to see if they would judge her all over again. And they had just begun to delve into Hannah’s mother’s suicide; Hannah was feeling on the verge of a breakthrough. Luckily, Liam had come up with the solution. She could keep seeing Elizabeth – on Skype. Elizabeth was thrilled with the idea; she said it was a window into the future for her business. She was hoping to publish an article about it in
The New Psychologist’s Journal
.

When they had finally made the move to Melbourne, things really started to change. Hannah found a government job with the legal aid office and booked the children into childcare three days a week. They found a house in St Kilda that was in walking distance of cafés, restaurants and parks and a short drive to the city for both of their workplaces.

But the big turning point for Hannah was when Ethan said his first word, and she was there to hear it. It wasn’t ‘mummy’, it was ‘ball’ – but Hannah had squealed with delight and Ethan’s face had broken out in the hugest smile and finally Hannah stopped being afraid that he hated her. She also realised that he had actually stopped screaming every time she held him for some time now and she finally started to relax with her son.

Now as Hannah rounded a corner and spotted another couple of runners up ahead, she smiled as she thought about all of the moments that she
hadn’t
missed out on. Ethan’s first steps. Gracie’s first hip-hop concert (she was not interested in learning ballet, thank you very much). And she thought about the one thing that Elizabeth had been trying to convince her to say, out loud, ever since she had started seeing her.

She took a deep breath – which was difficult because she was currently quite out of breath – and she said, quietly but firmly to herself, ‘You are a good mother.’ As soon as the words left her lips she felt a burst of energy and she picked up the pace and overtook the next few runners. She continued to practise her self-talk as she ran. ‘Yes, I did something terrible. No, I will never forget about it. But I can forgive myself. Because I was not well and now I’m getting help and I am being a
good
mum to my children.’ She hesitated then, looked behind her to see how close the last group of runners that she had passed were, then squinted up ahead to see if she was about to catch up to anyone. When she was certain she was alone, she drew in another huge breath and then yelled out into the wind, ‘I deserve my family!’ She sprinted for the next kilometre.

Simon was beginning to think he would never find them. There must have been thousands and thousands of people here. A small celebration had broken out over to his right. A runner was bent forward, hands resting on her knees, taking ragged breaths of air while her friends danced excitedly around her, patting her on the back. Behind him someone burst into tears and he turned to see an older woman clasp her face, withered hands on papery thin skin. He followed her eye-line and saw an older man finishing the race. Stepping back, he allowed her to rush past him and embrace her husband.

‘Told you I could do it,’ Simon heard the man whisper into his wife’s greying curls.

Simon smiled. The finishing line of the New York marathon was definitely a nice place to do some people-watching.

‘Simon!’

He swung around at the sound of his name and his face split into a smile as he saw Liam striding towards him, carrying Ethan comfortably on his hip, his other arm attached to Gracie’s hand.

‘Good to see you, mate, wasn’t sure you would make it.’ Liam looked relieved as he handed Ethan straight across to his step-uncle.

‘Been here for ages, just couldn’t find you guys,’ Simon responded, shifting Ethan around so he was sitting comfortably in his arms.

‘Expecting her to finish any minute now . . . I think. Been a nightmare, though, trying to hang on to Gracie. She keeps wanting to wander away; terrified I’m going to lose her.’

Simon smiled down at Gracie. ‘All right, you, I’ve got my eyes on you now, k?’ And he motioned with two fingers, pointing first at his own eyes and then down at Gracie’s. Gracie giggled in response. Simon looked back up at Liam. ‘You got the camera ready then? I’ll make sure Grace doesn’t go anywhere.’

‘How are you going anyway?’ Liam asked as he lifted the camera that was slung around his neck and started fiddling with the settings.

‘Yeah, not bad, thanks, mate.’

Liam stopped playing with the camera and looked up to scrutinise Simon’s face. ‘Really?’ he asked. ‘We hadn’t heard from you in a little while. Thought maybe you’ve been . . . you know, struggling, with everything . . .’

Simon shrugged. ‘I’m getting by,’ he replied. He looked like he was going to add something else then, but his face changed and he reached out a hand to whack Liam on the shoulder. ‘Hey! I think that’s her, coming over the hill, isn’t it?’

Liam squinted into the distance and then began frantically scrabbling with the camera. ‘Yep – that’s Han. Agh, lens cap!’ And he hurried to pull the cover off the camera before hoisting it up to his face and clicking as fast as he could.