Panda to your Every Desire (14 page)

OUR STORY of the student in the charity shop reminds Gary Johnston: “I spotted a cracking pair of Italian hand-made leather brogues in a Paisley charity shop. I approached the lady behind the counter to enquire how much. ‘£3,’ she told me in a no-nonsense fashion – and then seeing my delighted look, hastily added, ‘each.”’

A STUDENT in Glasgow’s West End was complaining about having no money. His pal asked him: “On a scale of one to Ireland, how broke are you?”

A READER hears a student in Glasgow’s West End declare: “I didn’t answer a couple of questions in my politics exam – but I think I should get extra marks for that. After all, that’s what politicians do.”

IN BYRES Road a student was saying that her new glasses didn’t seem to be helping her eyesight much before adding: “But I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault.”

When her pal asked why she had done such a stupid thing, she explained: “I’m just very competitive.”

A STUDENT tells us he was in Sauchiehall Street when an ambulance was called for a girl who had been taken unwell on a night out. A lad she had met that night volunteered to go with her to the hospital but his mate pulled him aside and said: “Are you sure you want to do that? You’ve still got a couple of hours to pull someone else.”

TWO STUDENTS are spotted, by a reader, in a Partick supermarket. He reckons they were at university as it is surely only students who go to the supermarket with their pals.

Anyway, one of them is holding a bottle of washing liquid, reading the label and declaring: “Eh? You have to be eighteen to buy this! What do they think young people would do? Drink it?”

His more sensible friend looked at the label and told him: “That’s the number of washes you get from each bottle, ya eejit.”

TERRIBLY sad to hear of the death of actor Gerard Kelly, who was the mainstay of King’s Theatre pantos in Glasgow for years. We remember in
Aladdin
when Gerard, the eponymous hero, asked the audience if he should trust the baddie, and of course the whole theatre shouted back: “No!”

Later when Aladdin was locked in the cave, the silence was broken by a lone Glasgow voice shouting: “Well, we telt ye.”

THE DEATH of firebrand shop steward Jimmy Reid reminds a reader of when Jimmy appeared on the
Parkinson Show
alongside actress Lauren Bacall. He told friends Lauren had given him her business card and told him the next time he was in New York he was to look her up.

Jimmy then added: “I’m a Clydebank boy. When would I ever be passing through New York?”

MUCH-MARRIED Liz Taylor was asked at one of her later weddings by the official in charge to list her previous husbands.

“What is this? A memory test?” she replied.

Or as someone else once described her: “Always the bride, never the bridesmaid.”

THE OBITUARY of Celtic player Willie O’Neill in
The Herald
– Willie was with the club in the year of the Lisbon Lions, but didn’t make the European Cup-winning side – reminds a football writer of when Scottish Television, to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the Lisbon Lions, arranged a weekend for all the surviving squad members at Seamill in order to do interviews.

Researchers setting up the event couldn’t trace Willie until somebody told them that he was now the janitor at St Roch’s Secondary.

Says our fitba man: “Off went the invitation, Willie O’Neill duly turned up for the weekend, and it was only when Bobby Lennox asked him who he was that he replied, ‘I’m Willie O’Neill, janitor at St Roch’s Secondary, and I think it’s great that a mere fan like me is asked along to meet my heroes.”’

It was indeed the wrong Willie O’Neill.

SAD TO hear of the death of Paisley singer/songwriter Gerry Rafferty. The story was told that session musician Raphael Ravenscroft, who played the saxophone solo on “Baker Street”, was sent a cheque for £27 for the day’s work – and it bounced. But Ravenscroft later recorded a Rafferty song on his own album so he couldn’t have been that bothered.

Rafferty of course initially played in the Humblebums with Billy Connolly and Tom Harvey. An old colleague tells us that Connolly would introduce the band to the audience with, “We’re the Humblebums,” then point to Rafferty and say: “He’s humble.”

THE HERALD’S obituary of inspirational Montrose manager Norman Christie reminds Rod Copeland of his father playing briefly for the club. Says Rod: “He recalls that Mr Christie built a team with an emphasis on playing the ball on the ground, with good passing.

“Then one Saturday, with an upcoming cup game on the Wednesday, the chairman came to the dressing room to request that they play the ball in the air more during the game to save the pitch for the midweek match. The instructions were soon countermanded by Mr Christie.”

THE DEATH of the broadcaster Robert Robinson reminded us of the time comedian Victoria Wood was pulled over by a police officer while she was driving down the motorway.

“Your tyres are very bald, madam,” said the officer crossly. “You should have them replaced as soon as possible.”

“Really?” said Victoria. “Couldn’t I just comb the rubber over like Robert Robinson?”

THE GLASGOW Art Club in Bath Street hosted a fabulous exhibition of paintings by the late James D. Robertson, the inspirational lecturer from Glasgow Art School. The catalogue by Robin Hume includes the story: “Jimmy treasured an altercation with a lady at one of his summer schools over her use of colour. She had, she insisted, read many books on the subject and was well acquainted with ‘all the colours of the scrotum’.”

SCOTS comedian Vladimir McTavish recalled that, after the tragic death of fellow comedian Malcolm Hardee, Malcolm’s brother was at his flat sorting his affairs when the phone rang. It was the Inland Revenue asking when Malcolm was going to settle his tax bill.

“When his brother informed the caller that Malcolm had died the week before, the chap said, ‘Really, Mr Hardee, that’s what you told us last year.”’

OUR TALE about the late comedian Malcolm Hardee’s run-ins with the tax people reminds John Fleming that Malcolm, when filling in an invoice which asked for his VAT number, would simply write in his phone number and add 17.5% to the total.

THE DEATH of the great Sir Norman Wisdom reminds a reader of an EU health committee meeting in Brussels when the French chairman said they would need “la sagesse des Normands” to solve a tricky problem.

This was translated to the English speakers as: “What we need right now is Norman Wisdom.”

RETIRED modern studies teacher Colin Castle recalls teaching a fourth-year class about the Cold War and spotting one of the less diligent pupils staring out of the window.

Attracting the boy’s attention, Colin asked: “I was talking about propaganda, so can you tell me what the word means?”

He stared at Colin before blurting out: “It’s ma maw’s real faither.”

A PRIMARY teacher tells us a young charge came in without his sheet of arithmetic homework and claimed his younger brother had made it into a paper airplane.

“That’s OK,” replied the teacher, “we can always smooth it out.”

The youngster thought again, and desperately added: “It was then hijacked.”

A MOTHERWELL reader tells us his grandson came home with a new arithmetic jotter and announced that the teacher wanted it covered, and that leftover wallpaper would do.

The little one’s dad piped up: “She’s just a nosey-parker who wants to see what the inside of our house looks like.”

A READER who grew up in Maryhill remembers struggling with his French homework. His parents, neither of whom had ever studied the language, were stumped.

As his father stared at the homework and shook his head, he mumbled: “I’m glad that I wasn’t born in France – I’d never be able to speak the language.”

OUR MENTION of the difficulty of learning French reminds Frank McKechnie, in Rutherglen, of the French teacher who said his son, after she had corrected some of his work, had confessed that French was like a foreign language to him.

A TEACHER on playground duty at a Glasgow Secondary heard a teenage girl shout angrily to a classmate: “Did you tell Frances ah couldnae be trusted?” She thought the reply was sheer genius.

“Naw, it wisnae me. I don’t know how she found out.”

TEACHERS on the Times Educational Supplement’s online forum have been discussing outrageous parents. One wrote: “My sister worked in a library in Glasgow. She spotted a child using a mobile phone when they weren’t so readily available, and she asked if it was her phone. She replied, ‘Aye, ah’ve got a mobile, ma brother’s got a mobile, ma mammy’s got a mobile … an’ the dug’s got a pager.’

“Apparently, they’d bought a pager and attached it to the dog’s collar, so that they could buzz it when it was time for it to come home and get fed.”

THE FIRST day back at school reminds us of the old yarn about the little boy telling his teacher: “I don’t want to alarm you, but my dad says that if my marks don’t improve, someone’s going to get spanked.”

THE SCHOOLS are back, and so of course is the vast army of lollipop men and women. A reader in Dennistoun watched as a chap wound down the window of his car to talk to his mate who apparently had just started this week at a crossing patrol. Our reader heard the car driver shout over: “Jimmy! I always said you’d a face that could stoap traffic.”

IT’S THE new school year, and an East Renfrewshire primary teacher tells us about a colleague and an assistant in the new primary one class trying to load some software onto the computer without success. When another member of staff came in to help, a wee voice from the back piped up: “You’d think they’d have someone that knew what they were doing.”

A NURSERY teacher on the south side of Glasgow tells us about her new intake. A three-year-old picked up a plastic dinosaur. Holding it to her ear the child said: “Hello Mummy, when are you coming for me?”

The teacher was quite taken with this and said to the little one: “Do you want to go home?”

The tot turned to the teacher and told her: “Excuse me! I’m on the phone.”

TEACHER Marion Lang tells us of a ten-year-old pupil announcing to the rest of the class, “Ma dug did a bungee jump on Saturday.”