Painted Memories (23 page)

“How did what happen?

“The accident,” he asked timidly. “How did the accident happen?”

It was going to come up sooner or later, I knew that, but I didn't think I would ever really be prepared to talk about it. Not with anyone. There was no question I needed to tell Drew all the details, but I couldn't imagine what he was going to think about me once he knew everything. I was scared of what he would he say. Or worse, what he would do after he knew. I could only stare at him, contemplating how I would tell him. His green eyes softened as he watched me, patiently waiting to hear something private, something personal that I'd only told a few people about. I looked away and took a deep breath, filling my lungs with confidence before expelling my grief into the air. It was now or never, and soon, I'd know what he really thought about me.

I turned to Drew and pulled my leg up under me, angling my body towards him. “It was the summer before Jesse left for college. He only had a month before he would move out and live in an apartment near Harvard Law.”

“Oh wow, Harvard Law. Your brother was smart,” he praised.

“Yes, extremely.
He was going into the dreaded family business. He was good at debating and fascinated by all the court stuff on TV, which seemed weird, considering all the other things he was good at. He loved helping his friend work on his dad’s car. Our dad would never willingly get his hands dirty when he could pay someone else. He played on the soccer and baseball teams in school too.  Jesse didn't like staying cooped up in his room for long periods of time studying. I don't know... he was never the nerdy guy a lot of people associated lawyers with, you know? At any rate, our father was ecstatic about my brother’s chosen career path.”

“Yeah, I get it. Following in Daddy's shoes would do it,” Drew agreed.

“Anyway, I was sixteen and hated that Jesse was leaving. We were inseparable most of the time and the easiest way to show I was upset about it was to be mad at every little thing he did. It was stupid, I know. But it didn't stop me from acting like a brat, especially on the day he died. That day, he was going back and forth from the house to his friend's house, toting boxes of stuff he wanted to take with him to their apartment. That evening, I had a piano lesson. Dad usually took me, but he got tied up at the office and told me to cancel it this time. I could have asked my mom to take me, but she wasn't home. I was furious and threw a fit until Jesse agreed to drop me off.

“I remember that day so clearly. There wasn't a cloud in the sky; it was hot and humid like every other typical summer day in Georgia. We lived about ten miles from town in a rural area and off the main roads. I was yelling at Jesse, complaining that I was going to be late and how everyone in the family always had more important things to do whenever it came to my activities. We yelled back and forth at each other as we drove down the road, neither one of us paying much attention. That was the good thing about living out in the rural part of the city, not much traffic. But it also attracted unsuspecting animals from the woods and crop fields in the area. It was impossible to miss the two deer that stood just beyond the curve in the road. I don't remember the impact, just the jerk of the car. When I came to, I heard a hissing noise, steam from the engine, I suppose. I remember glancing over at Jesse and screaming instantly when I saw the side of his bloody neck and face. His head hung limply out the window with his neck resting on the window seal. I pulled and pulled at my seatbelt, but I couldn't get it unlatched. So I reached over as far as I could and managed to grab him by the arm. He wouldn't budge. I yelled his name over and over again, but he was unconscious and my efforts were useless. Items from inside the car where thrown everywhere when we crashed and I couldn't find my phone to call for help. All I could do was hold Jesse's hand and pray he would wake up and talk to me. I told him how sorry I was for being a brat and fighting. I begged him not to go to school so far away because I didn't think I could finish high school without him. But he wouldn't answer me back. He was already gone and I knew he'd never speak to me again.”

I gasped for breath as I closed my eyes, feeling the rush of tears spill down my cheeks. I hadn't talked about it in such a long time, and speaking about it now brought on stronger emotions than just picturing it in my head. Drew pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me, which only fueled my tears, turning them into gasping sobs. He kissed my hair as he ran his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me.

“I'm sorry, Lilly. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine the pain you've had to deal with.”

He held me until I pulled away, reining in my emotions and wiping my eyes. “It's been a long road. I'd like to think I'm getting better, but I guess it will always be a hard road.”

“I'll be there with you, whenever you need me,” Drew said with a small smile.

“That means a lot.” I said, leaning back against the couch.

“So, two deer caused all this pain? A common accident turned so horrific.” He was speaking to me, but more to himself, I thought.

“The police reports say the car flipped once before slamming into the guardrail on his side of the car. They estimated the car was going five miles over the speed limit and issued my dad a ticket.”

“Are you serious? That's pretty low.”

I paused, determined not to have another meltdown. “The autopsy said he bled to death when the glass from the window severed the artery in his neck. The only comfort I have is knowing he was unconscious when he died. He felt no pain.”

“Wow, Lilly. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry.”

And I was too. Though it was comforting to know he didn't feel any pain, I wondered how long that day would haunt me. When would I be able to not feel guilty for demanding to go to piano practice? When would I get over knowing I started the argument that day? The last conversation with my brother was filled with yelling and harsh words. And I didn't know if I would ever be able to tell Drew the rest of the story. 

What would he say when he found out
I
was driving that day?
I
was the one that killed my brother!  I didn't know if I could ever tell Drew that it was truly
all my fault
.

Drew let out a sigh, running his hand over his head before looking back at me. “I had no idea this was going to happen from watching a movie. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had to do this with me. That wasn't my intention.”

I brushed my hand against his cheek. “You did nothing wrong. I've never shared this day with anyone except my parents and my therapist. I can't say thank you enough.”

“You're welcome, baby,” he said, kissing me gently. “I can walk you back to your apartment if you want to turn in for the night. I'm sure all of this must have exhausted you.”

I knew I had a busy day tomorrow, but going back to my apartment alone
wasn't what I had in mind. I wanted to continue with the night, relax on the couch and snuggle. It didn't matter what we did, as long as I was with him.

“I'm not ready to leave... unless you want me to?” I hinted.

“Oh no, not at all. I didn't want you to feel like you
had
to be here. If you'd rather spend time alone, that's okay too.”

“Actually, I've never felt like that. You know, it might scare you to know how much I think about you, Drew. You've sort of become my obsession.” I admitted. “I always want to be where you
are.”

Drew grinned. “I guess I should keep my thoughts about you to myself too. Obsession can't be a bad thing if we both feel that way about each other.” He winked.

He didn't need to tell me what his thoughts were. It was always clearly written in his eyes, the way he watched me when he thought I didn't notice, and the way parts of us always touched whenever we were near each other. It was clear that Drew wanted me, and he did a damn good job of restraining himself so far. There wasn’t another opportunity to have a night like the one we had at the studio, and we never talked about what almost happened. On more than one occasion, I wondered if he would have let it go alot further.

I shifted my body to face him. “Can I ask a question?”

“Of course.”

“You know that night at the studio... by the piano?”

He glanced down at my hand on his leg and began to trace the top of it with his finger. “Yeah, it was amazing,” he whispered.

“Would you— if Victoria hadn't come in— would you have stopped?”

Drew stared into my eyes for a moment before he answered. “I wouldn't have chosen to, but I would have asked you if you really wanted to go much further. At least, those were my intentions. Would you have asked me to stop?”

I leaned forward and pressed my hand against his chest, pushing him into the back of the couch. His eyes flared with surprise, but softened when I pressed my lips on his and suckled his lower lip. His hands came around and slipped up my back, leaving goose bumps across my skin. I didn't have to think about whether I was ready to take our relationship to the next level. The sexual tension for me had already reached its limit and there was no question what I wanted.

As I pulled away, his breath blew across my face and I opened my eyes to see his bright green eyes staring back. “Make the accident go away, if only for tonight,” I begged in a soft voice. I kissed him again, plunging my tongue inside his parted lips. Drew's hand traveled further up my spine to the base of my neck, his fingers twining the strands of my hair as he tilted my head back at an angle.

A groan vibrated though his mouth onto my lips before he leaned back and opened his eyes. “Lilly, I don't want you to have sex with me just to forget your sadness. I'm not that kind of guy, and I don't want you to feel like you have to do this.”

It would have been easy to misinterpret what he said, but I didn't. I stared at him, trying to collect my thoughts and keep my emotions in check. “Drew, I know I've had some pretty low times in my life, but I can assure you, I think more of myself than that.”

“I didn't mean it that way.”

“I know you didn't. Let me finish. I want you to take me to a place where nothing else exists, nothing but you and me. I don't want to have sex just to have sex, I want you because...” I glanced away. I wanted to tell him for a while, but didn't know how he would take it or how deep his feelings really were for me.

Drew released his hold on my hair and cupped the side of my cheek, gently tilting my head forward to face him.
“Because of what, Lilly?”

I peered back at his loving face, his caring eyes, and leaned into the comfort of his touch.
“Because I love you.”

He seemed to stop breathing and stared at me without any emotion on his face. I couldn't tell what he was thinking and I hoped what I said wasn’t a mistake. “I know you have feelings for me and maybe they aren't as strong as mine are, and that's okay. But please don't feel like you're obligated to say it back, I just had to tell you—”

His fingers curled around the back of my neck as he pulled me to him, crushing his mouth onto mine. I parted my lips and murmured into his mouth while melting into his arms. Our tongues moved like a choreographed dance, our kisses growing deeper, more passionate with every breath we took. Moving upright, I straddled him. His hand went to my butt, gripping each side as he pulled my hips closer. When his fingers found their way under the hem on my tee shirt and slid up my sides, I had to catch my breath. My shirt rose up with his hands, and I lifted my arms, letting him remove it.

Weaving his fingers through my hair, he lightly grasped the strands as he pulled my face to his. Placing a string of kisses along my jaw and down my neck, he moved his hands up my back. I leaned into his hold, arching my body and invited him to continue his trail of kisses.

My breath was heavy and the touch of his lips on my skin amplified a desire that flooded my senses. I reached for his neck, my fingers twisting the strands of hair at the nape. Drew sat up straighter and I watched as his hand skimmed up my belly and lingered beneath the lace of my bra.

“Come with me,” he said breathlessly.

I moved off his lap and stood up. With my hand in his, he led me down the hall and my heart raced faster with every step I took. I was nervous and excited all at once. For an instant, I questioned my lack of experience and hoped I wouldn't disappoint him.

Drew scooped me up as I walked through the doorway to his room and I couldn't help the giggle that escaped me. He
lay me across his bed and I sunk into the fluffy comforter, which nearly swallowed me up. He stood beside the bed; his eyes scanning my body, taking all of me in. I sat up slightly, resting my weight on my hands as I leaned back against them.

“This is much better than the couch,” I said with a smile. “I wondered if I'd ever be in this bed again.”

He climbed on the bed and slid his knee between my legs. Lightly, he caressed my cheek with the pad of his thumb. “Many nights I've thought about what this moment would be like, but nothing compares to what it feels like to have you here now, in my bed, wanting me.”

Drew's words made me feel desired in a way I'd never felt before. He never rushed into anything with me, and there
was no doubt his words and intentions were sincere. I reached for the hem of his shirt and started to lift, but he straightened up, and in one fluid motion, pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside. I sat up on my knees, unable to resist the urge to slide my palms down his chest, which I did slowly. His breath caught, his jaw tightened and I could see the muscles in his neck flexing as he tried to regulate his breathing. His chest grew bigger with every breath he took. I reached for the waist of his jeans and tucked my fingers behind the band. Leaning closer, I pressed my chest to his and sighed when his warm skin touched mine.