Paint it Black: 4 (The Black Knight Chronicles) (9 page)

I looked back and forth from Greg to Sabrina, but they were no help. Greg was subtly shaking his head while Sabrina was nodding hers. This one was all on me. Finally, I sighed and said, “Whatever, just don’t get dead. If I’m going to take in strays, I guess taking in armed strays is better than blonde strays with big boobs.”

“Says who?” Greg said as he finally got the door open. We all spilled into the foyer and split up. Sabrina headed upstairs for dry clothes, Greg and I made a beeline for the beer and blood in the fridge, and Mike and Anna headed downstairs. I grabbed a couple of pints of blood and a six-pack of Miller Lite and headed for the downstairs war room, then noticed Officer Nester standing nervously on the porch.

“Come on in, Officer. We’re the ones that have to have an invitation, not you.” He gave me one of those startled looks that people give me when I remind them that I’m an undead creature of the night, then followed it up with the nervous “I hope he’s not about to bite me” chuckle that I’ve grown accustomed to from my human acquaintances.

Nester followed me down the stairs and grabbed a seat with his back to a wall.
Smart guy, guarding your back in a roomful of predators.
Or maybe he just knew that Greg liked to sneak up on the new mortals. My chubby partner clumped down the stairs after us, a straw in his blood bag like it was a juice box. He sucked the sides flat on a pint of blood before he made it to the basement, and pitched the empty into a trash can with a contented sigh. He’d regained what color he normally had, and the swelling in his arm was almost gone already. I gave him a quick look and thought that with another pint he’d probably be close to normal strength, if not quite fully loaded.

I was a little the worse for wear, too, and it was going to take at least two pints to get me back to fighting trim. The first bag pretty much took care of my broken ribs, but I needed every drop of the second bag to make the bruises, scrapes, and pulled ligaments go away. I thought about a third, but we were running through the rations pretty fast, so I grabbed a beer instead.

Greg was already at the computer table, with Sabrina leaning over it with him. I walked over to the couch where Anna and Mike were sitting. Mike had heated up this morning’s coffee, and like a good Irish priest, he’d put a little something extra in it. I could smell the whiskey mixed with the rich coffee scent, but under all that I smelled Anna’s fear. Fear so thick I could have broken a piece of it right out of the air and eaten it. I knew I wasn’t getting her to open that portal again. But I had to try.

“DON’T EVEN START, Black. I’m not doing it,” Anna said the moment I sat down across from her.

“I know. It’s too much for you. I should never have asked.” I sat there for a second drinking my beer, hoping my reverse psychology would work.

“That’s not going to work, Black. I know I
can
open the gateway between worlds. I just won’t.”

“I know. I just wanted to give you an out in case your conscience was bothering you.”

“And why would my conscience bother me?”

“Because of the baby. You remember the kid in Sabrina’s picture? The little boy who won’t have any parents if we don’t get through the portal to rescue them? I thought that might prey on you just a little. But, hey, good on you if that doesn’t bug you. I mean, it’s one thing for it not to bother me, but I’m a soulless undead monster. I figured being all attuned to the positive forces in the universe and stuff that you might be more sensitive than me. Glad to see I was wrong. More power to you.”

“It kills me that I can’t help that little kid.”

“Won’t.”

“What?”

“You can, you already said that. You just won’t. So don’t sit there and give yourself an out. If you’re going to insist on treating me like a monster every chance you get, you’ve got to own your own fangs and claws, too, sister. I’m fine being a monster, just don’t pretend I’m the only one in the room without a soul.” We stared at each other for a long couple of minutes without speaking. Mike drew a breath once like he wanted to speak, but I gave him a look that shut him up.

Anna looked up at me, her eyes rimmed with red. “I can’t, Jimmy. I’m so sorry, but I can’t do that again. When that troll came through the last time, I felt such an imbalance in the energy of our world . . . I just can’t risk that happening again. If something even worse were to come through, or something that you couldn’t deal with . . . I just don’t know what I would do or what would happen to me. I’m sorry, I really am.”

“Oh, shut up,” a harsh female voice snapped. “You sniveling little witch. Open the portal, don’t open the portal, but quit your whining. You make my teeth hurt.”

I turned and drew my Glock in as smooth a motion as I could manage after the night I’d had, which wasn’t saying much. Lilith stood at the bottom of the stairs, Abby right behind her looking smug. I relaxed a little when I saw who it was and returned my gun to the shoulder holster. Lilith walked over to me and perched on the arm of the sofa, patting me on the head as she walked by.

“Nice moves, little vampire. I think if you were in top form you might even have been able to shoot once before I ripped your head off. Now bring me a scotch,” the immortal succubus said with a wave of her hand. I was halfway across the room before I realized I was being ordered around in my own house. Then I remembered exactly how much Lilith scared the crap out of me, and I went on to the bar and made her drink.

I brought Lilith’s drink to her and asked, “What are you doing here, Lilith? I thought you were pissed at us?”

“I am. Ogg was an excellent employee. But your young friend here is very persuasive, so I reconsidered my position and decided to open a portal to Faerie for you.” I stared at Abby for a minute, then crooked a finger at her. She was grinning like a Cheshire cat as I grabbed her by the arm and yanked her over to a corner of the room where the others hopefully wouldn’t hear.

“What the hell are you doing?” I hissed at her. I tried to pitch my voice below the range of human hearing, but I was pretty pissed, so I might have failed.

“What do you mean? I’m helping. You made it clear I need to pull my own weight around here and be a team player. You need to get to Faerie. I made a deal with Lilith to get you there. What’s the big deal?”

“What did you have to promise her?”

“Why does it matter? It’s not a big deal, Jimmy. Chill out. And let go of my arm before I break your ribs again.” She glared at me, and her blue eyes were cold. I was suddenly a little bit worried about taking her on. Abby was crazy strong for a young vamp, maybe even stronger than me.

I leaned in even closer and whispered, “It matters because she learned to lie from Lucifer himself, Abby. Lilith is a top-rate power, the kind that was around before people understood fire. She thinks in centuries, not weeks, and she could kill all of us without even batting an eye. So I’m a little worried about anything you might have promised her.”

“Thanks,
Dad
, but you don’t need to worry. I’ve got it handled, and she’s going to open the gate for you. Now let go of me and be grateful for a change.” She shrugged out of my grasp, and we walked back over to the sofas.

I turned to the immortal mistress of Charlotte’s criminal underworld. “Thank you, Lilith. I appreciate your willingness to assist us.”

“Think nothing of it, James. I like your little friend Abby. I think we’re going to get along famously.” She smiled at Abby, and I got a sudden chill.

“Let’s do this, then,” I said. “Hey guys, get over here. Greg, you all healed up?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He didn’t look fine, but I had to take him at his word.

“Well, let’s go.” I stepped to the middle of the room and looked around. Anna and Mike were still on the couch, obviously going nowhere.

As the others moved, Lilith held up a hand and people froze. Maybe if I live to be a bajillion I’ll have that effect on people, but I doubt it. “No one goes on this little jaunt but Black and the fat one.” Lilith stood silent for a few minutes while Sabrina and Abby voiced their disagreement with her plan, but eventually the ladies quieted down, and Lilith continued, “I wasn’t opening the floor for debate. I was telling you what was going to happen. I can only open a small portal to the lands of the Fae, and I can only hold it open for a very short time. Only two may pass.” She looked over at me and Greg. “Try not to screw things up too badly. I’d hate to have to live through another Ice Age because you two morons pissed off Queen Mab.”

“No problem, Lil. I’ll be on my best behavior,” I said.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Lilith waved her hands and a glowing yellow circle opened up in the middle of our den. Greg and I looked at one another, shrugged, and stepped through the door to Faerieland. Again. Hopefully, this time we wouldn’t come back sparkly.

WE STEPPED INTO an open space the width of at least four football fields, with dark forest at our backs, facing what I assumed was the Goblin Market. What looked like wild-growth thornbushes and hedge surrounded the whole complex. There was no gap to be seen anywhere. Nothing had ever grown that dense and that uniformly compact in the history of the world. Of course, we weren’t in the world anymore, so all the rules might be out the window. One rule that had already been tossed was the whole “vampires burn in sunlight” thing. Just like our last trip to Faerie, it was apparently the middle of the afternoon, yet Greg and I stood in the bright pink sunlight without any ill effects.

Yeah, I said pink sunlight. Milandra, the Queen of the Faeries, was a total girly-girl, with the love for all things pink and purple that came with it. So the sky was pink, with big puffy lavender clouds. The grass was green, and yellow, and electric blue, and every once in a while a patch of rainbow clover would pop up. All in all, it was like walking through a box of Lucky Charms. The hedge was green and brown with inch-long thorns that looked razor-sharp. The edge of the forest was about twenty feet from the hedge, which ran in both directions for several hundred yards. If this thing was anywhere near as long as it was wide, finding anyone inside was going to be very difficult. Once we got through the hedge, that was.

“Well, boy wonder, you got any ideas how to get inside?” I asked Greg.

“Well, we could try to go through, which is probably a bad idea.”

I looked at those thorns and agreed. “We could try to go over, but I’ve got a feeling that would not produce positive results, or we could walk in one direction until we find a door.”

“Or we could wait right here until somebody comes along and follow them inside,” Greg said, pointing to a dirt path coming out of the woods right behind us. The path was faint, but I could see the track two wagon wheels had cut through the dirt recently enough that rain and wind hadn’t erased the evidence.

“We don’t know how long that will take.”

“We don’t know how time moves in Faerie, either. It might already be next week for all we know.”

“Good point.” I agreed. “Well, we have to do something, may as well try Plan A.”

I took a moment to make a mental note of the time and date for my diary, thinking this was probably going to turn out worse than most of my bad decisions. Then I looked at the hedge, took a deep breath more for effect than anything else, and made a running leap at the thorn wall. It only looked ten or twelve feet high, and I should have been able to clear it easily. And I did. Clear twelve feet, that is. Unfortunately, that height wasn’t enough once the wall reacted to the intrusion. The wall inexplicably grew taller, grabbed me with its thorns, and bodyslammed me to the turf. All the air went out of my lungs in a pained
whoof
, and my injured ribs pitched a fit that could only be matched by a junior–high school girl with a zit on her nose on school picture day. I lay there on the ground for several moments, looking up at the purple clouds and thinking how much they all looked like My Little Ponies.

“You okay?” Greg asked. He leaned over me and shook his head. “Man, you gotta at least yell out ‘Hey Y’all! Watch this!’ whenever you’re going to do something remarkably stupid. Otherwise, why did we bother going to Clemson?”

I flipped him the bird, then held up a hand for him to pull me to my feet. I dusted myself off and kicked a little dirt into the Jimmy-shaped impression in the ground, then flipped off the wall for good measure. The whole hedge shook, as if it was alive somehow and laughing at me. Obviously, the hedge was female, based on its reaction to me.

“Okay, now what? And whatever it is, you’re trying it first,” I said to Greg while I limped around and popped various shoulders, ribs, and other body parts back into place.

“I think we just go inside.”

“I just tried that. But feel free to try it your own self.”

“No, I mean I think we just walk toward the hedge and expect it to open for us. After all, we’re magical creatures, too. There’s no reason the Market wouldn’t see us as customers, and it stands to reason that the hedge wasn’t created to keep real customers out, just the suspicious ones trying to break in.”

I shot him a dirty look and said, “Fine, but you’re going first.”

Greg walked up to the hedge like he belonged there, and damn if he wasn’t right. The vines and bushes parted for him, and he walked right through. I followed close behind him, and the wall of thorns stayed open for me to pass through, although it did seem to intentionally reach out and snag my arm if I slowed down too much. We walked through what felt like ten feet of hedge, but I suspected a trick of the magical wards. Finally, we emerged on the other side, and I stopped cold with my mouth hanging open.

The Goblin Market looked like a cross between old Las Vegas and a psychotic farmer’s market. There were neon signs blinking everywhere, flashing brightly even in the blinding sunlight. The sky wasn’t pink anymore, just a vast expanse of blue with a huge yellow sun beating down. It was crazy hot, like Egypt in July hot, but I didn’t break a sweat. I was pretty sure my sweat glands were dead, but if anything would test them, it was this place. Sand blew everywhere. We saw rows and rows of tents, tables, and booths covered in unidentified foods, animals, weapons, clothing, and a few things I couldn’t even imagine the purpose of. The aisles, if you could call them that, were just packed down lanes of sand between the booths. And everywhere creatures yelled for attention and money. The signs flashed, the barkers bellowed, and dozens of types of mysterious animals cried out.

My super-sniffer was assaulted with a plethora of smells like I’d never experienced, and the sensory overload of sight, sound, and smell almost brought me to my knees. Layers upon layers of scents filled the air: fae, troll, vampire, human, and other creatures I didn’t recognize. Perfumes and spices wafted from the booths and tables, and there were food smells like I’d never imagined. It was kinda like a cross between a cooking show and a haunted house. I couldn’t figure out where to look, so I just stood there, turning around in circles and getting jostled from all sides.

Throngs of beings crammed the aisles—human, faerie, ogre, and other things I’d never seen before. A man walked proudly through the Market wearing scimitars crossed on his back. At least he looked like a man from the neck down. He had the head of a Bengal tiger, complete with fangs. I discovered the fangs when I got in his way and he snarled at me. I stumbled back and bumped into an ogre browsing food at another booth. He shoved me absently away, which sent me almost sprawling into the dirt. Greg caught me and pulled me off to the side out of the way of traffic. We stood in front of a stall selling trinkets, pretending not to freak out while I quietly freaked out.

“Dude, we are so not in Kansas anymore,” he said, trying to be subtle while still looking in every direction at once.

“Yeah, no kidding.”

“And you’d better keep that to yourselves if you ever want to see Kansas again.” A voice came from beside my left elbow. I looked down and saw a four-foot-tall lizard standing there. He looked like a chameleon, except for being four feet tall, standing on two legs, wearing a tailcoat, and talking.

I try to be open-minded, especially when I’m in Faerieland, but I’ll admit the talking lizard made me jump a little bit. And maybe yelp a tiny bit. Or maybe I jumped about eight feet in the air and screamed like a little girl. One of those.

“Why do we need to keep our origins a secret?” Greg asked. I hate the fact that he takes things in stride better than me. And he’s smarter than me. I take solace in the fact that I have a girlfriend, unlike certain male vampires that live in confiscated fraternity houses in North Carolina.

“Oh, no one cares that you’re from the mundane world, my dear Sanguine. Everyone can see that within a breath of laying eyes on you. But you don’t want the vendors to find out this is your first Market. They’ll fleece you terribly if they catch on, and you won’t have a gem left to your name before you even find what you’re looking for.”

“Oh, we’re not here shopping,” I said.

The lizard held up a hand. “I never mentioned shopping, sir. I said before you find what you’re looking for. And everyone is looking for something, now aren’t they? So what, dear vampires, are you looking for?”

Greg punched me before I could answer. “I think, my unnamed friend, the question is what are
you
looking for.”

“Not to mention who are you?” I chimed in. Greg shot me one of his “let me deal with this” looks, and I stepped back, digging for sunglasses in my jacket pocket. After our last trip to Faerieland, I went out and bought a pair. Wearing the glasses wasn’t just about looking like a badass, they were also a necessity. My eyes hadn’t been exposed to sunlight in fifteen years, I
needed
a pair of shades. Cool was just a bonus.

“I am Martifluousyntherianthemum Gregorovichinglingaringdingdingdong, but you may call me Marty. I wish to assist you for no reason other than the goodness of my cold-blooded little heart. And because this is my uncle’s stall, and if I give you information hopefully you will leave quickly and allow the real customers access.”

I could understand that motive—greed, and said so. The lizard nodded and went on. “You are obviously from the world of Man, so you are likely unfamiliar with the rules of common courtesy in the Market. I can help you learn these rules so you are less likely to be killed.”

“For what price?” I growled.

“Simple. When you leave Faerie, take me with you.”

“What?” Greg and I said in unison.

“Seriously, dude, how many lizards do you see around here, talking or otherwise? I need to get some action, and it’s not happening in Faerie. Besides, there might be a few entities in the Market that aren’t very interested in my well-being at the moment. Or, to be more precise, they are very interested in my well-being, that is to say, in the less well and perhaps ending of my being.”

I took a minute to try and parse the sentence, then realized that he said somebody wanted to kick his ass.

“I am not pimping out a lizard. That’s . . . ,” Greg spluttered. I elbowed him and pushed in front of him to shake Marty’s hand.

“If you swear not to eat or harm humans, that’s just fine, Marty. When we leave, we’ll take you with us. But you’re not living with us. We’re vampires, not an animal shelter. You’re out on your own as soon as you get through the portal, deal?”

“Deal. I wouldn’t live with vampires anyway. You’d only cramp my style.”

I took a look around to see if anyone thought it was strange that I was talking to a waist-high lizard in a tux jacket, but none of the passersby had even given us a second glance. “So, Marty. If you wanted to buy a jawbone in this Market, where would you go?”

“What type of jawbone are you looking for?”

“Human.”

“
Hmmmmm
 . . . there are only a couple of stalls in the Market that sell human bits, and they’re quite expensive. Wouldn’t you be better off getting a jawbone yourself? After all, there are plenty of humans where you come from.”

“We’re not looking for a jawbone, Marty,” Greg said, looking around nervously.

“Well, if you’re not looking for a jawbone, why are you asking me where to buy one? Is this a test? Oh, I do love examinations! Let me see, you want to know if I’m truly worthy of your time and trust, so you’re asking for a purveyor of parts just to see if I truly know the lay of the land. Very wise, good sirs, very wise.”

“Yeah, it woulda been, if I’d thought of that,” I said, putting a hand on the excited lizard’s shoulder. He’d started thwacking me with his tail at the first mention of a test, and I needed to calm him down before he did one of us serious injury. I hadn’t seen anybody that excited about taking a test since Greg got his first trigonometry exam. My partner was captain of the high school math team. Seriously, his nerd-fu is off the charts.

I patted Marty on the shoulder and leaned down so we were at least eye-to-collarbone. “Marty, we’re not looking for a jawbone, but we’re looking for someone who sells jawbones. Someone has been kidnapping humans from our world, and we need to find out who and then we need to stop them.”

“Oh! Then you want
fresh
jawbones! Well, that’s a whole different color unicorn, as the saying goes. There are lots of places to get garden-variety old, stale jawbones, but if you want fresh jawbones, there are only two places to look. We are looking for human jawbones, right?”

“Yes,” I confirmed. Again.

“Well, then, I suppose we should start with Doctor Orbly. He is likely to have harvested a human or two for his experiments, so we’ll start there.” Marty darted out into the throng of people with an agility you wouldn’t expect from a lizard in formal wear. Greg and I turned to follow, and Greg stepped right into the path of a giant
something
. The something couldn’t stop in time, and it smacked into Greg with a wet thwack like a cooked ham hitting a tile floor on the way to the Thanksgiving table.

Greg staggered back a couple of steps and looked up at a huge, shaggy beast with a protruding lower jaw and curved fangs sticking out between its lips. The thing grunted and took one step back, then stepped forward and glared down at my partner. “Get out of the way, bloodsucker!” It stuck out a huge paw to backhand Greg into the middle of next week, but I caught its wrist before he picked up much momentum.

“I don’t think so, pal,” I said, looking up at the thing. “My friend is sorry for getting in your way, but that’s no reason to go hitting people.”

“I feel like hitting someone! That’s all the reason I need.” And it drew back a fist and threw a haymaker at my face. I stepped sideways, stuck out a foot, and gave the monster a little shove in the small of the back as it barreled past. It landed face-first in the dusty walkway, rolled over and did a perfect kip-up to a ready position—then stopped cold as it saw my Glock six inches from its face.

“We’re leaving. You’re not going to try to jump us from behind. You’re not going to challenge us at all. You’re going to go on your merry way, and so will we. And if I ever see you again, I’m going to shoot you in the face.”