Painless (14 page)

Chapter 32

“Why?” Luna asks.

“Because I have to.”

“I’m tired,” she says.

“I’m sorry.”

I take the exit to the truck stop and slow as I near the corner. I don’t see the guy and his skinny dog.

“I thought you meant we were going home,” Luna says, leaning forward. “He’s on the next corner.”

“You’re okay with this?” I ask.

“It’s your random act of kindness,” Luna says. “And it’s what I love about you.”

I laugh. I don’t think she means it the way I want her to mean it.

“And I have mace if he turns out to be a psycho,” she says.

I pull into the drive and stop near the gas pumps under the covering. I take a beach towel out of my backpack and cover the backseat with it.

“Hey,” I call to the guy. “Hey!”

He turns, looks in my direction, and takes off running toward me. My heart speeds up.

He smiles wide. “Thanks. My name is Eric.”

“Hello,” I say with caution.

“Where you headed?”

I tell him.

“Great,” he says. “Just stay on the interstate and you can drop me off at my exit. That way you won’t be going out of the way.” He climbs into the backseat with his dog.

I take a deep breath and head back to the highway.

“What’s your dog’s name?” Luna asks.

“She doesn’t have a name. She’s a stray,” Eric says. “I found her on the side of the highway a couple of days ago. She has a tag on the collar, but the phone number on it had been disconnected.”

I decide Eric’s okay. “Somebody dumped her,” I say.

“Probably. I had her scanned for a microchip, but she didn’t have one.”

“So what’s in Dosta?” Luna asks.

“I grew up there. I haven’t been home for five years,” he says. “I’ve been hitchhiking for ten days, but hardly anybody’ll pick up a hitchhiker these days.”

“So one day you decided to go for a visit, packed a bag, and ended up standing on the side of a highway?” I ask, glancing at him through my rearview mirror.

“My mother had a stroke, and I was short on money, so I decided to hitchhike. I didn’t want my parents to think I was a loser by asking for money.” He leans forward and tries to return the money I gave him.

“Keep it,” I say.

“Give me your address, and I’ll pay you back and send gas money.”

“Do they know you’re coming?” I ask.

“I’m going to surprise them.”

“My parents had a fit the first time they visited me after
I moved out. They tried to force me to come home,” Luna says.

I think her parents have finally won that argument.

“My guardian tried to force me to move into an apartment where I’d be supervised,” I say, sounding lame.

“David has a rare disease hardly anybody has heard of,” Luna says.

“He looks like he knows what he’s doing. Are you two running away?”

“Yeah,” Luna says. “For a few days. I have to be on a flight by Tuesday morning.”

I don’t want to think about then.

“Last weekend together?” Eric says.

“Yes,” Luna says. “We’ll probably go to the beach.”

“I slept on the beach a few times,” Eric says.

“You were homeless?” I ask.

“I was a Boy Scout.”

“I was a Girl Scout,” Luna says. “It was too much like school, and I was always hoping it would get better. Once we went to a cave in Tennessee. We had to crawl through an opening to a large area, but the leader got stuck. I didn’t think we’d ever get her out. Then we slept in our sleeping bags all night. The next morning we went home. The most exciting thing that happened was when the leader got stuck.”

“I like to be spontaneous,” Eric says. “And not have to follow somebody else’s schedule.”

“This trip was a last-minute decision,” Luna says.

Not really. I’ve been thinking about a trip for days, and I’ve been dreaming of meeting my parents for years.

“Glad you decided to go,” Eric says. “Or I’d still be standing on the corner begging for a ride.”

“We almost didn’t stop,” Luna says.

“My parents would thank you too,” Eric says.

“You’re going too fast,” Luna says to me.

I glance at the speedometer. “I’m not speeding,” I say.

Eric leans forward. “My exit’s coming up soon,” he says. “I can walk the rest of the way.”

“No problem,” I say.

We drive him all the way home. It’s a small ranch-style house in an older neighborhood.

“Give me your address,” he reminds me.

I tell him.

He climbs out of the car, the dog behind him. I roll down my window.

“Good luck,” I say. I’ve always hating saying good-bye, even to someone I only knew for a couple of hours.

“Thanks again,” he says and heads toward the house with the dog.

I watch for a minute, kind of hoping to see his mother’s face when she sees him. The front door opens, somebody hugs him, and he turns and waves to us. He goes inside. I hope he and his dog will be okay.

“I like watching people,” I tell Luna. “And wondering what their life is like. When I first saw him on the corner, I thought he was a drug addict or a bum.”

“What changed your mind?”

“He had given his food to the dog, and I kept thinking about him.”

“One time I was walking along the side of the road with a friend, and we saw a dog lying in a ditch. I remember how he lifted his head and looked at us. I planned to go back and check on him, but I forgot about him until the next day. I went back, but he was gone.”

“Somebody else helped him,” I say.

“Hopefully. He could’ve crawled away somewhere.”

“And then somebody helped him.”

“But I’ve felt guilty about that,” she says. “Whenever I’ve seen a needy dog.”

“We’re almost at the exit to the hotel,” I tell Luna.

“I almost didn’t call you,” she says. “I almost didn’t get out of the cab, but when I saw your head on the steering wheel, I had to.”

“I almost decided not to take this trip,” I say.

“I would’ve been at my parents’ house by now. We’d be sitting on the sofa watching TV.”

“I would’ve been at home, but I don’t know what I’d be doing.”

“Alone?” Luna says.

“Spencer and Cameron come over sometimes. It’s always been kind of lonely at my house, especially after my grandmother became sicker.”

I exit the interstate and then Luna gives me directions to the hotel. A few minutes later I pull into the parking lot. It’s hard for me to believe I’ve made it this far.

It’s hard for me to believe Luna is with me. I keep thinking any minute now I’m going to wake up inside my empty house. In less than twenty-four hours I’ll be seeing my mother, and maybe just once, life will be fair and I’ll find my dad. I’m not asking for much. I’m not asking for instant love.

I turn off the motor.

Luna sits straight up in the seat. “What do you think?”

“It’s nice.”

Luna gets her dress from the trunk. I carry our bags.

We enter a huge lobby and step up to the desk. I’m worried we’ll have problems because of my age, but we don’t. Luna only has to show the confirmation info on her phone.

Our rooms are next to each other. I watch her unlock her door with the plastic card so I’ll know how. I get this image of me standing behind a man, and he’s unlocking a door. It’s something I had forgotten until now. I try to remember more, but I can only see that one image in my head. I concentrate harder trying to figure out who the man was, but I only see the back of his head. His hair was black like my dad’s.

I go inside with her and place her bag on a luggage table or whatever it’s called. The bed has a bunch of pillows on it, and a big-screen TV welcomes us. A sliding door spans one wall. I open it and step onto the balcony. It overlooks an outdoor area, where people sit at tables eating and drinking. Lanterns hang from trees. It’s almost what I imagine a Caribbean paradise would be like.

I check my watch. We’ve been riding for over eight hours, but the travel was worth it to make it here.

“This is heavenly,” Luna says. “Want to have dinner in the courtyard?”

“That sounds good.”

“You know what we should do? Dress up. I’ll wear the black dress.”

“I don’t know,” I say. The people in the courtyard are dressed casually.

“Nobody knows us here,” she says. “Anyway, I want to wear the dress more than once.”

“The thing is,” I say. “I can wear a shirt and tie, but I probably shouldn’t wear a jacket.”

“Heatstroke?” she says.

“Yep.”

Coma or death by jacket.

“Bring it with you and wear it for our pictures,” she says.

Luna comes out of her room. She’s wearing the black dress. It fits snugly, and it’s revealing. The top of her breasts are visible. The hem of the dress hits mid-thigh, and the heels make her legs look longer. I think I’m in heaven.

“You look terrific,” I say. I’m wearing a lavender shirt, black tie, and black pants.

“You smell terrific,” she says.

I’m wearing the cologne for guys with their heads in the stars and feet planted on the ground, but tonight it’s like I’m walking on a cloud.

We ride the elevator down and find the sign for Dinner under the Moon. Then we follow a hostess, and I feel like everybody’s watching us. It’s kind of like we’ve sneaked into a place where we don’t belong, and it feels like we aren’t us anymore. We sit at a table with a white tablecloth and upside-down glasses. When the hostess gives us menus, Luna takes a quick look and asks for a dessert menu. She says that tonight she’s only having desserts. I swear Luna’s glowing in the candlelight. The moon and stars are shining, music’s playing, and a breeze is blowing. I can smell the flowers on the bushes along the sides of the courtyard.

After we order desserts, Luna says, “We have to memorialize our road trip. Pull your chair next to mine.”

She takes a picture of us sitting at the table. I take a picture of us standing in front of blooming gardenias, and then she takes a picture of me. I take one of her.

Then the waiter brings our desserts.

First I taste the chocolate layered cake and then the strawberries ’n cream. They’re like nothing I’ve ever tasted.

“I need to tell you something,” Luna says.

I wipe my mouth with a napkin. “Don’t tell me you need to take my blood pressure,” I say.

Looking down, she smiles. “It was terrible of me to dump you that night we were going to have pizza.” She takes a bite of cake and swallows. “But after I saw Derrick, I came back to your house. The lights were off so I left.”

“You should’ve called,” I say.

“I didn’t want to wake you.”

My heart’s in my throat.

“And then I wanted to go on the road trip with you and do something neither of us had done before.”

“Why?”

“Why not? It sucks when you’re facing your mortality.” She rakes up cake crumbs with her fork. “I guess you’ve been doing that for most of your life, but when you think about it, everybody is.”

I meet her eyes. I don’t know what she’s talking about.

“Did I ever tell you I missed my senior prom?” she asks.

“No.”

“I’d bought a long dress and everything, but then I didn’t feel like going. Now it feels like I missed a milestone. Milestones are important.”

“I’ve never been to a prom, and I don’t feel like I missed a milestone,” I say. “Milestones to me are graduating from high school and college, falling in love, starting a career, and maybe buying a house.” I shrug. “I don’t need a house so that doesn’t count.”

“Moving into your first apartment will count. Starting your first job. Getting a driver’s license.” She takes another bite of the cake. “You’ve done both of those.”

“Going on a road trip with you,” I say.

“Sex for the first time. Surviving a fatal disease.”

“Weird that you think of those at the same time.”

“Saying good-bye.” Luna taps her glass. “Losing somebody you care about.”

I know. “Realizing you aren’t the only one with problems,” I say.

“Helping Eric make it home,” Luna says.

I smile at her.

We spend the rest of the evening listing the milestones of a lifetime.

Chapter 33

I awaken at six a.m., coughing and tasting blood. I hurry into the bathroom and see blood on my mouth where I’ve bitten my tongue and lips. I’m pretty sure it’s because during the night I dreamed about my mother over and over again. I was a little kid, and she was driving me somewhere. When she looked at me, she didn’t have a face, and I jumped out of the car and ran away.

She’d probably have a face if I remembered what she looked like.

It’s a good thing Luna wasn’t here to wake up and see the blood on my face. She would have screamed.

I wash my face, brush my teeth, and turn on the TV. I pick up my cell phone and check for calls I could’ve missed, but there aren’t any. Joe doesn’t know I’ve left yet. He’s going to cause trouble when I return if he finds out, especially if the trip turns out badly. That will only convince him to put me where somebody else can deal with my problems. I tell myself that nothing bad is going to happen. Nothing can go wrong. I will be careful like always.

I wonder if he knows I went to Ruby’s house. She acts like I should never have been born. I probably wouldn’t have been, if genetic testing had existed for CIPA. I don’t know if it does now or not. Joe didn’t want my grandparents to adopt me because I’d be too much trouble.

I feel like I have fruit flies flying around in my stomach.

I step outside the sliding glass door. It’s cloudy, and I can see the courtyard below where the waiters are setting up the breakfast buffet. Then I go inside, call Luna, and tell her about the breakfast buffet.

“I have a headache,” she says. “Probably from all the sugar last night. I’ll catch up with you later.”

I think she’s tired of me. Last night after we finished talking, I walked her to her room and she yawned. She said good night. That’s all that happened.

I shower and dress. Sitting at the desk, I look at the four maps with directions I printed as I was packing. I pick up the directions to my mother’s home address on the wedding invitation. I printed them out just in case I’m invited for a visit.

But Luna has to be back before Tuesday, and I promised she would be, so I don’t have time to go to my mom’s.

Chances are, I won’t be coming back here. Meeting my mom at the wedding or reception with hundreds of people around doesn’t feel like a good idea anymore.

She’ll probably say hello and suggest we get together one day.

But people don’t mean it when they say, “I’ll call you,” or “We’ll get together.”

They forget.

I wonder if my dad said, “I’ll see you soon,” when he dumped me at Nana’s house.

I don’t think he forgot to come back.

I don’t have anything else to do, nothing to lose, and I only want to see the house where she lives in case this is my last chance.

On the way, I stop at a sporting-goods store and buy sleeping bags and a battery-powered lantern. Tonight’s the night we’re sleeping on the beach after the reception.

Thirty minutes later, I turn off the motor and sit in front of my mom’s house. It’s light yellow like a baby chicken. A
For Sale
sign stands in the yard.

I climb out of the car and take a deep breath. I love the smell of mowed grass and gardenias. It smells like life. On the way to the front door, I stop to watch a squirrel nibbling on a pinecone. It’s a great day unless you’re terrified about what might happen.

I knock on the door. Nobody answers. I walk back to the street, and a man jogging by stops and tells me the house has been empty for a couple of weeks. It’s going to be a hard sale because the inside is a dump and needs total renovation. “I’m just warning you,” he says. He explains it was a foreclosure and will be up for auction.

I guess my mom couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Back at the hotel, I go to my room and step onto the balcony. The courtyard is deserted, and all I hear is a bird singing its heart out. I call Luna. She still has a headache.

“I’ll be right over,” I say. I grab some Tylenol from the first aid kit in my backpack and a washcloth from the bathroom. I get the ice bucket and fill it at the machine next to the elevator. Then I head to her room.

When she opens the door, her hair’s messed up, and she’s wearing the big T-shirt she bought at the truck stop.

“I brought Tylenol and an ice pack,” I say.

She nods, and I step inside.

She sits on the bed.

In the bathroom I fix her a cup of water and an ice pack.

Then I give her everything.

“You don’t have to go to the wedding,” I say. “I can
go alone.”

She lies down and places the ice pack on her forehead. “No, you won’t. The pain isn’t bad. I think I’m more afraid of it worsening. I want to go, and we’ll be at the ocean. I really want to at least walk on the beach. I think the headache is from stress. I’ve had a stressful week. Why don’t we skip the wedding and go to the reception? We can leave anytime.”

“You really want to go?”

“Finding your mother and father is on the bucket list. You don’t want to have regrets, right?” She takes a deep breath. “I know I don’t.”

Luna pulls up to the security gate and stops. Ahead is the long bridge leading to the island. “We’re here for the wedding and reception,” she says and shows the guard the invitation. He opens the gate, and she drives through.

Minutes later she pulls onto the long driveway to the country club where the reception will be held.

We checked out of the hotel and packed the car before we left. Luna said we don’t have much time and need to squeeze everything we can into the weekend. We don’t want to come back here.

“Do I look okay?” she asks.

Luna’s wearing her black dress. “You are beautiful,” I say.

“You look really great,” she says. “Your mother should be happy you’re her son.”

“Probably not. I take a road trip to see somebody who never wanted me around. Eleven years have gone by. Eleven Christmases. Eleven birthdays. I never heard from her.” I glance around. The parking lot is practically empty. “Joe told me that one time she was supposed to come visit me and didn’t show up.”

“Maybe there is a reason for this.” Luna parks at the side of the country club. “My mother says there is a reason for everything. Do you mind if I give you suggestions?” She doesn’t wait for an answer. “At the reception, you need to have fun and not focus on whatever’s happening with your mother.”

“I will.” I look out the window. There’s a couple heading inside. The girl’s wearing a long dress. The guy’s wearing a tux.

I get out of the car and slip on my jacket. It’s sixty-six degrees, so I’ll be okay.

We enter through double doors and a man asks my name. I tell him, and he looks at a computer printout. “Sorry,” he says, “your name isn’t on the list.”

“She’s my mother,” I say. I show him my driver’s license, which in no way proves I’m the son of the bride.

“Okay,” he says. “You can go in. Sometimes when there is an open bar, all sorts of freeloaders show up to eat and drink.”

We enter a large banquet room. It looks as if we’re attending a prom or something. I feel like an intruder, but Luna’s acting as if she does this all the time. She’s saying hello to people and smiling.

“Do you see your mother?” Luna asks, glancing around.

“No. I don’t know what she looks like.”

“Usually there is a receiving line, but we’re running late.”

That’s fine with me. I don’t want to have to get into a line to meet my mother.

We go over to a long table filled with appetizers, and next to it is a table piled high with gifts. There’s an ice sculpture in the middle. “Is that a duck?” I get a cracker and look up and down at the six-foot creature.

“It’s a swan,” Luna says.

It looks like a duck to me. “I didn’t get them a gift,” I say.

“You made it here, didn’t you?” Luna says. “Which is an almost miracle.”

“Because of you,” I say, looking at a painting on the wall of a naked man eating an apple. I take a deep breath and smell alcohol and smoke. I wring my hands and look around for my mother. I’ll tell her…I don’t know what I’ll say.

We weave through the crowd holding hands. I hear talk about Chicago, LA, and New York. I see a gigantic sliding door and a deck.

“Let’s go outside,” I say.

“Why?”

“I think the ocean’s out there.”

We step onto the deck. A half-dozen people are standing around talking. The ocean roars, and the wind’s blowing. We go to the railing. The view steals my breath. I can hear the waves and smell the salty air and the smoke from the smokers. The ocean stretches forever, and the crests of the waves are foamy white. This is like something I’d see on the
National Geographic
Channel.

“I’ve never seen waves so enormous,” Luna says.

“There is a hurricane in the Atlantic,” a guy standing a few feet away says. He’s probably in his early thirties, and he’s tanned. “It’s great weather for surfing. If you’re around tomorrow, you can join us.”

“I can’t,” I say, looking at the ocean. “I probably need to be able to keep my two feet on the ground first.” I grin.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him looking at my cane. “What about you?” he asks Luna. “It’s heaven on earth.”

“I already have plans.” Luna smiles at me. Heaven on earth is her smile.

I turn my head and see a woman on the deck wearing a wedding dress. At least I think it’s a wedding dress. It’s long, white, and lacy. She’s talking to a man in a tux.

My heart picks up speed. There’s nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide.

“I like her dress,” Luna says.

My mother’s looking in my direction.

“Go speak to her.”

“I’ll wait for her to speak to me.”

I see Luna shake her head slightly. “She may not recognize you,” she says.

I lift my hand to wave, but I stop. The look on my mother’s face is like she’s on a plane that’s about to crash. Her heels click on the deck as she walks away. I see her glance over her shoulder as the man in the tux ushers her into the ballroom. I bet he’s her new husband. My stepfather.

“Even if she didn’t recognize me, it’s weird she’d run from a wedding guest.”

“Maybe she figures you’re a freeloader?”

“And in a few minutes, we’ll be thrown out?” I say.

We look at each other and laugh. It probably won’t be funny if it happens.

A big woman comes onto the deck and tells everybody to go inside and find their seats for dinner. I tell Luna we won’t have a place because we aren’t on the guest list.

“There are probably extra.”

“I really don’t want to get thrown out,” I say.

“You belong here.” She hooks her arm around mine. “You are not leaving here with regrets.”

The tables are only half filled. Luna and I find a couple of places in the back of the room. A waiter pours wine.

On the other side of the table, two ladies are comparing their watches. One watch was handmade and cost $20,000.

I take a sip of the wine. “I hope it’s waterproof,” I say, and everybody laughs, but Luna kicks me.

The watch lady sizes me up the way she might a piece of meat at the butcher’s, and her nose wiggles like she has a big hair in it.

I lean over to Luna. “I sounded stupid?”

Luna gives me a look. “You sounded dead serious.” She leans over to me. “What’s your temperature?”

“You’re not allowed to ask me that,” I say. I check my watch. Ninety-nine.

My mother’s table is across the room on a stage. An older man stands and welcomes everybody to the celebration of Barney and Elizabeth’s wedding, even though storms are on the way. I wonder if he knows her real name is Carlee, and she dumped her kid years ago.

We start eating the salad. It has little flowers in it, but I don’t eat them. I finish my wine just in time for the waiter to refill my glass.

Then the best man gives a toast. His speech is slurred. I think he’s drunk. He starts talking about an urban legend where the bride had been unfaithful to the groom the night before their wedding, but the groom found out and placed pictures as evidence under the chairs. “Now, I would like you to check under your place mats,” he says.

I hear gasps and then the rustle of place mats.

“Caught you looking,” the best man says.

There’s weak laughter.

Then he goes on and on about what a great couple Elizabeth and Barney are. They’re meant for each other.

I eat prime rib, little potatoes, and asparagus. Butter drips onto my shirt.

The maid of honor gives a toast. In a shaky voice, she talks about how it sometimes takes an eternity to find your soul mate, and she’s happy Elizabeth finally found hers.

I’m eating cheesecake when I see Luna looking at the wedding invitation.

“What?” I whisper.

“I don’t know. It kind of felt like we were not at the right wedding.”

I look at her. She looks at me. She starts laughing. “We could’ve been the ultimate wedding crashers,” she says. “But I don’t think we are. Are we?”

“We’re crashers since we weren’t invited,” I say.

“But are we crashing the wrong wedding?”

“Maybe.”

“Life event,” she says and laughs.

Then Elizabeth and Barney dance.

After a minute, other people start dancing. Luna’s busy talking to the people at the table about wallpaper, but I don’t think she makes any friends when she says wallpaper makes a room look dated. Light, airy colors are timeless. Then she asks no one in particular, “Have you known Elizabeth long?”

My watch beeps so I get up and walk to the bathroom. It’s a nice bathroom with an attendant and flowery wallpaper. I wouldn’t mind hanging out in here for a while.

I use the bathroom and wash my hands. I’m feeling pretty good from the wine, but I won’t have any more. I don’t need to look any stupider than I feel.

The attendant, an old guy wearing a tux and a bow tie, gives me a towel.

I ask him if he likes his job. He says yes. He used to be an engineer and made a lot of money, but he lost his job and spent time in prison.

“I’ve seen a lot of crazy stuff,” Fred says. He hates it when the drunks don’t have good aim or they vomit all over everything. Most of the men have been drying their hands on their pants or not washing so they can avoid tipping him. “But I am so much better off.”