Packed and Ready to Go (28 page)

***

In a flash, Carla and Ursula arrived at her mother’s house. The two of them operated in automatic pilot, too. Food appeared within minutes. Together they pacified Tracy in a way I could not. The tension in her face eased and her breathing came in a natural rhythm without the quick catches like she was having an asthma attack.

“
Maybe we should call Crystal together,” I said to Tracy when she came out of the kitchen and placed a cake in the center of the dining room table.

“
No. No, we won’t call her.” Tracy stiffened. “You only get one chance for a first honeymoon and I don’t want to ruin hers.”

“
But, Tracy.” I spoke slow and soft, not wanting to upset her. She threw up her hands and walked back in the kitchen.

I turned to Carla and Ursula. “Can one of you try to talk to her?”

“
I’m not so sure I disagree with her.” Carla took the seat across the table from me and folded her hands. “Do you want Crystal to always think about her honeymoon and how her grandfather died? Or do you want her to think about her honeymoon and how wonderful it was, and then she returned home to find out her grandfather had died? Her coming home now won’t change anything.”

Tracy walked into the room carrying a stuffed turkey. Who had time to prepare a turkey on such short notice?

She handed me a piece of paper. “Walter, I need you to go home and get everything on this list. I’m staying here with my mother for a few days.” Her tone was short and clipped. “Also, stop at the store and get everything on here.” She pushed another list into my hand.

I looked over the items. Everything seemed simple enough. Tracy cleared her throat.

“
Okay, I’m going, now.” I planted a kiss on her forehead and walked out, happy to get away from the gloom in the stuffy house.

I pulled away from the house and dialed Sasha’s number.

“
Hello, baby. I was hoping you’d call me,” she said.

“
I called as soon as I could.”

“
Are you coming over? I really miss you.” The lusty sound of her voice stirred me. “I haven’t heard from you in three days.”

“
You knew I was busy with the wedding, and last night, Carl died.”

“
Okay, who is Carl and what does that have to do with you and me?”

“
Carl is Tracy’s father.”

She expelled a heavy sigh and didn’t disguise it. “Walter, I’m sorry about Tracy’s father. I really am. But you know…it always seems to be one thing or another. Does this mean you haven’t told her about me yet?”

“
When was I supposed to tell her that, Sasha? Before or after I told her that her father was dead?”

“
I’m pregnant, Walter. What about that? Where does that fall on your priority list?”

“
Sasha, I’m doing everything I can. Her father’s dead, dammit. I’m not some heartless bastard.”

She didn’t reply.

“
Sasha!” She’d hung up. Maybe pregnancy hormones were jerking her around. I contemplated stopping by her house, but I couldn’t handle two hysterical women.

By the time I got back to Philadelphia the house was full of relatives. Most of them were already in town for the wedding, but there were new faces I didn’t know. Frances sat in the corner, comatose. Not bothering to stem the flow of tears streaming down her face leaving dark spots on her black blouse.

“
Hey man, you must be Tracy’s husband.” A tall man in faded blue jeans and a wrinkled t-shirt shook my hand and gave me a head to toe glance. I threw on clothes so fast this morning I had to look down in order to remember what I was wearing. I had on black pants and a royal blue polo shirt. I was thankful I was better dressed than him, since he thought it was important to give me the eyeball.

“
Yes and you’re…” His exuberance made me suspicious.

“
I’m Mitch. I’m married to Tracy’s first cousin, Dee. We talked yesterday at the wedding.”

“
Man, I talked to so many people yesterday, forgive me. What can I do for you?”

He lowered his voice and glanced over his shoulders. “Dee and I are worried about Tracy and Frances, they both look like they’re…” He searched for a word.

“
Yeah, I know.”

“
In shock or something,” he added. “How did Uncle Carl die? What happened? He looked fine last night.”

The rest of the morning I saw people gathered around the food-laden tables, trading stories about how they thought Carl died, some people said he died in his sleep. One group had him dead at the wedding. It’s a morbid habit, wanting to know the details of death. No matter how it happened, Carl was lying on a slab in some mortuary and nothing was going to change that.

I shifted my bags and took a deep breath. “Last night Frances went to the kitchen to get him some water. When she came out he wouldn’t move.” It saddened me to sum up the demise of my father-in-law in one tidy sentence. He deserved a much more eloquent pronouncement.

“
Oh man, bummer.”

I wanted to punch Mitch in the gut. Instead I excused myself to find Tracy. I left Mitch standing in the middle of the dining room with his hands shoved into his torn jean pockets.

I found Tracy sitting at a table near the back door. I kissed her on the cheek and sat at the table with her.

“
Did you get everything?”

“
Yeah, I put your clothes in the bedroom and the groceries are in the kitchen.”

“
Thanks.” She nodded towards her mother, who was still seated in the same position from earlier. “I’m worried about Mom. Look at her, she hasn’t moved in hours. She can’t live in this house alone. It’s too big. Do you know she still buys cookies and puts them in the cookie drawer?”

I nodded and didn’t try to make sense of her comment. She was still seated at the table too—I doubted if she had moved much. Her eyes were vacant even though she was looking at me.

“
The funeral will be later in the week. The mortuary called and they’ve made the arrangements with the church. Crystal won’t be back.” She said this last statement with so much longing.

“
Do you want me to call her? Have you changed your mind?”

“
No. This is the best this way. She needs to enjoy her honeymoon. She’ll understand. My father would too. I’m sure.”

“
Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?”

She gave me a weary smile. “Both,” she whispered.

There was softness about her, a vulnerability that opened her up and made her available to me. She wore a skirt I couldn’t remember seeing before, but the vibrant yellow color reminded me of sunshine and summer, her shoes were an exact match to the skirt. How did she manage to look so attractive under these circumstances? She never let her guard down, as if doing so signaled failure. I put my arms around her and held her tight. She went weak against my chest. I smelled her cologne in the softness of her neck.

Then just as quickly she pulled away and scribbled more notes on pieces of paper. Notes for the mortician. Notes for the church. Notes for herself. I sat by her side through the next wave of mourners that descended with their own brand of grieving.

Chapter Twenty-Two - Walter

I was held prisoner in my mother-in-law’s house. Two full days of running errands and circling the small house was maddening. Going to work was unthinkable, but the small confines of the house with all the sad looks and crying was rubbing my nerves raw. Tracy was so distraught, but I hardly seemed needed with all the loud mouths buzzing around her like mother hens.

I wanted to get away from the house for a few hours. That only required a good excuse.

Tracy wasn’t asleep. I could tell by her irregular breathing and by the way she kept shifting her position in the small bed that we shared.

I pulled her close and used my arms to hold her still. “I’ve got to go to the house today. You know, to get the mail, pick up the newspapers, and pay some bills. I need to make sure I cancel our trip, too,” I whispered in her ear.

“
Uh-huh. Okay.” She snuggled closer. My penis throbbed against her soft flesh. She moaned.

“
I can’t, Walter. I just can’t.”

“
I know, baby. I understand, but that doesn’t stop a brother from wanting.” I slipped out of bed, dressed quickly, and left the house before another emergency came up, or before another slip of paper was pushed into my hand.

I dialed Sasha from the car, hoping to catch her at home. She picked up the phone and without giving her an opportunity to say anything, I said, “Can you stay home this morning? I’m on my way right now.”

“
I-I…well.”

“
I’m on my way now, Sasha. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“
I need to get to the store.”

“
Sasha,” I nearly yelled.

“
Okay, okay.”

Sasha was seated in a straight back chair reading a magazine when I walked in the door. The house was so quiet I could hear the kitchen clock ticking. She didn’t move. I knelt at her feet and laid my head in her lap. Her legs were cool against my face.

“
I haven’t seen you since… How could you leave me for so long?” she whined.

There wasn’t anything to say that I hadn’t already said, so I didn’t respond. I ran my hand along her thigh.

“
Walter.” She sounded weak, the resistance gone. I placed the palm of my hand on the swell of her stomach. It was too soon to feel a kick, but a kick would have made this real for me. A kick would have set my life on some sensible track and helped me understand where my allegiance needed to be.

I pulled her face closer and kissed her hard on the mouth. It was easier than trying to talk about what was running through my head. I didn’t want to argue with her.

Her large eyes darted across my face. “What’s going on, Walter? Are you sick? Did something happen?”

“
No, baby. I’m fine. Nothing is wrong. I just missed you so much.” I ran my hand under her dress. Tracy may not have been in the mood, but Sasha was always ready. “You’re wearing panties?”

“
I was going to work,” she giggled.

“
But, you knew I was on my way over here.” I pulled her panties down and stroked between her legs. She sighed so soft I almost didn’t hear her pleasure. When she didn’t resist my efforts, I pulled her on the floor next to me.

We lay there in a tangle of arms and legs and listened to the quiet of the house. Sasha was on her back, staring up at me. Something was different between us. Again I placed my hand on her stomach. Tears gathered in her eyes.

“
What’s wrong?”

Her lips trembled as tears rolled into her hairline. “Don’t leave me, Walter. I want you to stay,” she murmured.

“
I have to go to the funeral. You know that.” I spoke louder than I needed, but this conversation was becoming an irritant, as if she didn’t have the capability to understand my reasoning.

“
I’m not talking about the funeral, I’m talking about...” She spoke between jagged sobs. “Leaving Tracy. Are you going to?”

“
Nothing has changed, darling. Nothing.” My hollow words echoed in the quiet house. She continued to cry and I pulled a fleece throw off the couch and covered her legs, then placed a pillow under her head to make her comfortable. Leaving Tracy wasn’t something I was ready to do. I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to walk out on her. Tracy wasn’t the kind of woman you walked out on. She was the woman you grew old with. My problem was I wasn’t ready to grow old yet.

Unlike my brothers, I didn’t need a drug to help me get an erection. My sex drive was still as strong as it was when I was twenty-one. Sasha made me feel as close to utopia as being twenty-one. She was supposed to remain free and available to me, not weigh our relationship down with children, mortgages and demands.

We didn’t move for over an hour.

“
What time is it?”

I shrugged. My limbs were numb; I was too old to lie on the hard floor for long. “I need to get up.”

She looked at me without saying anything. Resignation registered on her face. Was I taking more than I gave?