Pack Up the Moon (23 page)

having difficulty finding her own. We all said goodnight. Five minutes later there was a knock on my door. It was Richard.

“We didn’t really get a chance to talk,” he said.

I hated when people said this to me. There was a tone that wasn’t difficult to recognise. The tone that told you a lecture was on the way.

“I know what you’re thinking and I haven’t come to

give you a lecture.”

Yeah, right.

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright,” he said smiling. The smile didn’t fool me.

“I’m fine,” I said.

“Good,” he said. Then came the dreaded, “But I was thinking. .”

Right on cue.

“It wasn’t the safest thing in the world, you know, attacking a rapist. Some would say it was a bit mad.”

He was looking at the floor. I followed his eyes. The floor was marble.

Nice.

“I don’t have any plans to do it again.”

He smiled. “Good.”

He proceeded to tell me how upset Sean had been. “Really,” was my jaded reply.

“Yeah;” he responded.

His smile faded. “He really cares about you.” My face reddened. “I know,” I replied.

“Do you care about him?” he asked accusingly. “Of course.” I was taking umbrage.

“He said he’s going to London,” he continued unabated. “It’s a good opportunity,” I said, sitting down, still hoping he’d leave.

“And that’s what you told him?” he asked.

“Yes.”

We were both getting pissed off.

“If you have any feelings for him, and we all know you do, I suggest you pull your head out of your ass and tell him.”

I couldn’t believe it. Cheeky bastard! “Kerry is making you mean.”

“I call them like I see them and we all know I don’t see much,” he said smiling. He headed towards the door

while I sat there dumbfounded at his sheer nerve. He turned. “Hey, can we keep this little conversation between ourselves? If Anne knew I spoke to you, she’d kill me. Goodnight.” He winked at me. “I do love you, Em, but sometimes you’re blinder than I am.”

Not really — your wife hates her new life.

He was gone.

I lay down but I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about him saying that everyone knew I had feelings for Sean. Clo had never said anything. She made jokes but then she made jokes about everything. Anne hadn’t mentioned it either. Maybe Sean knew. I blushed. I was twenty-eight, in a dark room on my own and I was blushing.

“Jesus, I really need to talk to Clo.”

Clo and Tom were asleep. It was just gone one in the morning. I knocked on the door and let myself in. Torn moaned.

“Tom,” I whispered.

He turned in the bed, still sleeping.

I walked closer. “Tom,” I repeated.

He was still in the land of nod.

“Damn,” I whispered. I can’t believe they are asleep already. I moved closer again and shook him.

“Torn!” I called into his ear.

He shot up in the bed.

“I’m up, I’m up,” he said, looking around, realising it was pitch dark. He focused blearily on my crappy dressing-gown.

“Christ, Em, what time is it?” he asked rubbing his eyes. “I’m really really really sorry but this is an emergency. Could we swap beds?”

“What?” He sounded surprised at what appeared to me to be a perfectly reasonable request.

“I really need to talk to Clo,” I begged.

He looked over at Clo, passed out and dribbling. “She’s asleep,” he noted.

“I know just how to wake her. Really, this is an emergency. My room is two doors down on the left.”

“OK,” he agreed, beginning to sense the urgency of my situation.

I smiled and waited for him to exit the bed.

He sat looking at me.

“What?” I asked getting irritated.

“I need to put something on,” he said embarrassed. “Oh, right, sorry,” I agreed and turned my back to him.

He got Out and struggled to put on his shorts and a Tshirt.

He left and I sat into the bed.

“Hmmm, warm.” The marble floors looked great, but they were bloody cold. “Clo,” I whispered.

She moaned.

“Clo,” I shook her.

“Ten more minutes,” she mumbled.

I shook her harder. “It’s Em, I really need to talk to you,” I said, still shaking her.

She didn’t jump or even open her eyes.

“What the …?” she mumbled.

I turned on the light. She opened her eyes slowly. “This better be good,” she warned.

“I’m in love with Sean,” I said.

It was funny because I hadn’t intended on opening the

conversation that way.

She sat up and faced me. “Well, it’s about time,” she noted, half smiling.

I was panicked. “What the hell am I going to do?” I asked.

“Tell him,” she said.

“Easy for you to say,” I said, trying to get comfortable.

“Easy for you to do,” she replied. “He’s in love with you and you’re in love with him. Simple.” She reached for her fags.

“Do you really think so?” I asked.

She lit her cigarette and took a drag. “I know for a fact. He told me last year.”

I couldn’t believe it. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I almost screamed.

She looked at me knowingly. “Because we both know you would have freaked out and kicked me:’

I thought about her answer and in light of recent

events I really couldn’t argue. She was right. I would have freaked out. I wasn’t ready.

“But you’re ready now,” she said, reading my mind.

I felt butterflies in my stomach. I’d forgotten how that felt. It was nice, but also a little troubling.

“Jesus,” I said.

“Jesus,” she agreed.

We sat in silence and she finished her cigarette. “Where’s Torn?” she enquired after about five minutes.

“I sent him into my room.”

She laughed.

“So how do I tell him?” I asked.

“Just jump him.”

Wise counsel, but not the kind I was looking for. It must have been written on my face because she continued

pretty quickly, “It’s not rocket science, Em, you just have to say it.”

We sat in silence again.

“You don’t think it’s unfair to John?” I asked, needing to hear her say the word “no”.

“Don’t be a prick,” she replied.

“Close enough.”

And that put an end to that line of questioning. “OK,” I agreed, “I’ll tell him.” I smiled at her resolutely. “Good,” she said, putting out her fag. “Now turn off

the light and get some sleep.”

I obeyed and lay down.

I’m in love with Sean, I thought as I drifted into a peaceful sleep.

*

We all met at breakfast. Clo had politely warned Tom not to open his mouth about the previous night’s sleeping

arrangements and he dutifully complied. We sat together at the breakfast table.

Anne was hungover, mumbling, “No eggs.”

Clo and Tom were playing footsie and grinning stupidly

at one another. Richard was eating toast and writing an itinerary for the day’s events. I don’t know what Sean was doing as I couldn’t look at him, fearing I would blush and vomit simultaneously. I remember thinking that this could become a real problem before Richard interrupted my

thoughts.

“I’ve a big day planned. We’re going to take a hike up

the mountain. Then I’m going to show you some local woods. We’ve booked a fishing boat for the afternoon and then, if you’re feeling up to it, I was thinking about taking in a game of golf for an hour before dinner. I’m thinking of eating around eight. How does that sound?”

Clo laughed and told him it sounded like hell. Anne threatened to kill him, but Sean thought it sounded great and I briefly wondered what I saw in him. I recovered to add my concerns.

“If we do all that and eat a big meal at eight, we’ll be asleep by ten and it’s New Year’s bloody Eve.”

Anne and Clo agreed. I thought Tom was getting up to give me a standing ovation, but he was just heading to the fridge for some milk. When his thirst was finally quenched he agreed with Richard and-Sean. It was the girls against the boys and I didn’t like the odds. Anne’s will to fight was diminished and Clo could be bought by

a promise from Tom. It was obvious that yet again Richard would have his way.

Richard briefly wondered why he didn’t have a hangover

and I prayed that at some point it would kick in. It didn’t and, as we piled into his Range Rover, I cursed God again. Sean was sitting up front. Clodagh, Tom, Anne and I were sitting in the back. I caught Sean smiling at me through the rear-view mirror. Something made me wave and suddenly I felt awkward. I noticed myself fixing my hair twice within the space of five minutes and started to

panic. Anne was wedged in beside me. She leaned over and I jumped, terrified she was about to vomit.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked.

I relaxed. “I thought you were going to throw up.”

“I’m fine,- she assured me, grey-faced and smelling of wine.

I remained unconvinced. “Do you want the window seat?”

She leaned in again. “No. So what’s up?” she whispered. “Nothing,” I replied.

“You’re lying,” she whispered a little louder.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I whispered back trying not to sound panicked and worried that Tom

would hear her.

“There’s something going on. You’re quiet, you’ve been fixing your hair since you got into the Jeep and Clo

told me about last night.” She smiled and leaned back in the seat, some colour returning to her cheeks.

“I was going to tell you,” I whispered, embarrassed and mentally punching Clo in the face.

“It’s about time,” she laughed.

I blushed, realised I was blushing and blushed some more. Realising that I was now blushing more, I blushed even more. It was a slippery slope so I hid my face in my lap. Clo leaned over Tom fearing that I was sick. “Emma are you sick?”

Richard stopped the car. Sean climbed over the seat. “Are you OK?” he asked, concerned and so sweet. Still the colour of beetroot, I decided to answer from

my lap. “I’m fine,” I said.

“Can you lift your head up?” he asked.

Fuck off my brain silently begged.

He wasn’t going anywhere so I raised my reddened

face to meet his.

Clo burst out laughing.

“Richard, please drive on,” I said with all the authority I could muster.

Sean returned to the front seat, slightly confused.

Clo mouthed the word “sorry” but it was obvious she wasn’t because she was still laughing. Richard drove on. Anne was too sick to laugh, but I could sense that she would hold her stupid grin all the way up the bloody

mountain. I closed my eyes and leaned against the window. My eyelids were protecting me from my audience and my

inner voice repeated, “Be cool, be cool.” After a while I began to wonder who I was trying to fool. Sean knew I wasn’t cool and he didn’t seem to mind. Then again, now that I realised I loved him, the least I could do was try not to make a fool out of myself at every possible turn. But it’s not like I could change. The problem was that he knew me too well. It was all very confusing. Later, when Richard stopped the car so Anne could throw up, I found myself looking out the window smiling at the beauty and

forgetting my stupid little world for a while.

We started our mountain hike around eleven. We were still walking at three. Richard, Sean and Tom walked ahead, talking about football, motor racing and oohhing and ahhhing at flora and fauna. Clo, Anne and I lagged behind. Initially we were really enjoying ourselves. Anne felt much better. The scenery was beautiful, it was dry and although it was cold the skies were blue. That was great for about an hour. Three hours later it was wearing thin. We were lost and the lads were too busy being retarded to

notice. We managed to keep ourselves busy by discussing the object of my newly discovered desires. The conversation ran the usual course. I was nervous and unsure. They were

excited and felt it was a dead cert. I talked rubbish and they told me how fantastic I was. I talked some more rubbish and Clo complimented my hair. Then remembered Friends and I froze. I stopped and looked at Clo and Anne. They looked back.

“What?” Clo asked, more to get me moving as opposed to talking.

“Friends,” I said.

They looked blankly at me.

“Ross and Rachel,” I said, believing it enough for them to catch on.

It wasn’t.

“And?” said Clo.

I couldn’t believe it. Friends was her favourite TV programme. It was perfectly obvious what I was getting at.

“Ross is secretly in love with Rachel for ages, but he doesn’t say anything — he’s just her friend. He’s always there for her. He’s her rock. She’s just come out of a big relationship. She’s all over the place while he waits in the wings. And when eventually she realises that she’s in love with him, he’s seeing a Chinese chick. Last week she ended up on her face in the airport.”

I finished my homage to the American sitcom long

enough to take a badly needed breath.

Clo smiled. “Emma, it’s fine. Sean isn’t with a Chinese

chick — he’s over there trying to look up a deer’s arse.” I remained uncomforted. “It’s an analogy,” I said. Anne smiled.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she replied.

I wasn’t budging.

“It was just a funny episode,” she grinned.

Clo linked my arm and started walking me. She reminded me that my life wasn’t an episode of Friends and

also pretty accurately predicted that the Chinese one

wouldn’t last long. Ross and Rachel were bound to get together. I wasn’t sure, as consummated love wasn’t always a ratings winner. I knew this didn’t make for a good argument so I just shut up and walked.

We eventually found a pub and everyone was starving. It was three thirty and Richard’s whole itinerary was

messed up. The girls cheered. The lads had to concede. Playtime was over. We all ate way too much and whiled away a very pleasant three hours drinking Irish coffee and

melting by the fire. We didn’t make it back to Anne and Richard’s until after eight. We all had hot showers, changed our clothes and only started cooking the dinner