Overture (Rain Dance, Book 1) (Rain Dance Series) (76 page)

     
"I'm not
going with you," I stated.

     
Ethan continued
watching me, saying nothing.

     
"Stop
making that face," I snapped. Well, in my mind it was a snap. But in
reality, I was too tired to put any actual emotion into my words. "...It's
alright."

     
"It's not.
I shouldn't have…" He shook his head. "I knew better. It was heinous
of me to have spoken to you like that."

     
I didn't want
to think about what he had said. I just wanted to send him away and lock myself
in my room. But we had to talk about this. We wouldn't be able to move forward
if we didn't.

     
"Ethan," I began. "It's hard to describe…what I feel for
him. I don't…" Shit. Shit.
Shit
. I felt tears in my eyes again.
Could I manage to numb myself? Build another dam? At this point, I didn't think
it was possible anymore. But how would I be able to get through this?

     
This is what
you wanted, though - to feel again. Right?

     
I took yet
another careful breath and tried to clear my head. "What you said about
us," I continued, "What he and I did together…I don't like to think
about those things, so I simply don't."
Tears be damned. Let them fall.
I looked up at Ethan. "
Ever
. If I did, I would end up going back to
a very dark place. I need to focus on how I'm going to stay alive. It just so
happens that he can help. And he
has
helped - more than once. So for my
own sake, I
cannot
think of him in the way that you think I
should
think of him. If I have to grab a bite to eat with him and chat like old pals,
I will. Do you understand?"

     
"…Yes," he answered quietly.

     
We were silent
for the next few minutes. I drank my water and tried to focus on thinking about
nothing. Ethan, on the other hand, seemed to be deep in thought, working out
multiple things in his head.

     
"I still
don't feel safe leaving you here with him," he said after a while.

     
I kept my head
down as I spoke. "He won't do anything to me."

     
"Maybe not
yet. But he plans to, and that's reason enough to want to keep you as far away
from him as possible."

     
"Do you really
think I'd let him do anything to me?"

     
He gazed at me,
thinking.
He has to think about it?

     
"My
God...You really don't trust me."

     
He shook his
head again. "I do. Of course I do." Coming closer, he leaned down in
front of me and ran his fingers over my cheek. "I mean, your sense of
truth is still a bit warped, but I know that you wouldn't allow another man to
touch you. But you can't blame me for being worried. I know you're capable of
defending yourself to an extent, but if he - if
anyone
seriously tried
something and it came down to a struggle…" He moved his hand over to my
wrist, wrapping his fingers around them.

     
I nodded in
understanding. When it came down to it, there was no way of knowing what would
happen in a fight. There were simply too many variables to consider. I had
somehow managed to kill a man in self-defense, but there were many things that
had helped me out - chance being one of them. It didn't matter how fast or
clever I was. It would only take one hit before I went down. The most I could
do was pray for some luck and hope to flee.

     
"He may be
able to help you, but you were right," Ethan went on, "he can't be
trusted."

     
"Actually...he
sort of
can," I replied quietly.

     
He took a
moment to consider his next words. "…He's got a hold over you, Daphne.
He's been there for you since you were young, right? It's almost as though he's
made it so that you have to rely on him every time something is about to
happen. Isn't that suspicious?"

     
"Of course
it is. I know what you're saying. I have no doubts about his character -
especially with the work he does. Hell, he even admitted that my staying alive is
beneficial to him business-wise. He may be shady, but I trust him to help keep
me alive. And I trust him to not lay a hand on me."

     
Ethan leaned
back, his head tilting slightly. "He said that?"

     
I nodded.
"Anyway…you make it sound like I'm always running to him for help. This is
only the third time, really."

     
"For now.
If you and I hadn't met, you would've kept running. The cycle would have
continued until that woman ended up finding you, dying, or deciding to move
on."

     
I didn't mention
the fact that I had still planned on running away even after meeting him. There
was no point, as it no longer applied. I guess I was wrong about not wanting
Ethan to get involved.

     
"Will you
see him again?" he asked, taking both of my hands.

    
 
"...I've no reason to, so probably
not."

     
He didn't seem
to like my answer. "Let me put it this way…You said you trust him to keep
you alive, right? Do you still trust him to do that? More than me?"

     
That was the
one question I did not want to answer. "You know I trust you. I always
have."

     
He nodded.
"But not enough to have included my involvement. You asked me to stay out
of it - as if I could. Now that Noel has come forward with a name and some
clues, it won't be long before the situation is dealt with. His ways of helping
you are limited, right? His
job
doesn't allow him to become directly
involved. Whereas I, on the other hand, have a means of doing what he
can't."

     
"He said
that." That was why he had gone to see Ethan first.

     
"So he
knows, then. There's no other reason you have to make any form of communication
with him, not ever again. You have me, now."

     
So he wanted me
to cut ties with Noel for good. I understood why, but even with that
understanding, it wasn't something I could just easily agree to. I trusted
Ethan to keep me safe, that much was true. But the reality was that I had only
known him for a month now. For
years
I had to rely on only myself and
the tools I had to survive. Even though I had avoided him for most of those
years, Noel had always been one of those tools. Like my gun. I wouldn't be able
to give him up without feeling vulnerable to some extent.

     
When I said
nothing, Ethan continued, "You could have stayed Friday night and allowed
me to explain things, but instead you ran to him so he could be the one to
clear things up, even knowing that his motives are more than questionable.
Aside from the tracking, you've refused to let me help at all, yet you have no
problem when it comes to depending on him."

     
Of course.
Ethan wasn't a tool. I didn't want to use him to protect myself. Was that so
wrong?

     
He sighed in
annoyance at my ongoing silence. "Do you trust him more than you trust me
to keep you safe?"

     
I swallowed,
unsure of what to say. "…I don't feel bad about using him. But you…"

     
Something
seemed to click within him, his gaze shifting to thoughtfulness. "I
see." Turning my hand over, he ran his thumb across my skin. "Daphne,
you wouldn't be using me. Hear me out," he added when I stared at him
doubtingly. "Have you ever asked for help before - after you left the
McGill's? Dale and Jillian's moral support don't count."

     
I thought back
through the last six years of my life. I was alone with no other friends, so
there was never really a chance to ask for help. Not that I ever wanted to.

     
"No,"
he answered for me. "The only help you've ever received is from Noel. And
the only reason you've ever accepted his help is because it was that or a
possible chance at homelessness or death, probably. Because he…" Ethan
paused, thinking of another way to phrase whatever he was going to say.
"You feel it's acceptable to use him because, deep down, you probably
think it's his way of making up for what he did to you. I know you said that he
never actually hurt you, but it's obvious that you feel as though you've been
wronged. His help is pretty much the only help you've ever received. The kind
where it's acceptable for you to take in return for all that he took from
you."

     
I blinked,
annoyed to find that my eyelashes were suddenly wet with the new tears that had
just begun to form in my eyes. "…You should have been a fucking therapist,
Desmond."

     
With a faint
smile, he brought his hand to my face. "I understand now why it's so hard
for you. But you're going to have to learn how to get used to it, because
whether you accept my support or not, you're going to get it. I'm not him, so
don't think of it as using me."

     
This man
.

     
How is it that
he was a real, living, breathing human being who existed outside of my dreams?
I may have gone through some bad shit in my life, but I couldn't believe that
it would ever be enough for me to deserve this man. It seemed as though time
and time again, I had fallen apart only for him to pick me up piece by piece.
Only every time he put me back together, I felt more enlightened. Surely I
could afford a little vulnerability? If refusing any more help from Noel is
what it took to make Ethan happy, I would do it.

     
I placed my
arms around his neck and pulled him close. "What can I ever do to thank
you for taking such good care of me?"

     
"Stay with
me," he answered simply, wrapping his own arms around my waist and
bringing me to the floor with him.

     
"You won't
ever leave?" I asked.

     
"You know
I won't."

     
There was no
way of knowing if this was true or not, of course. This was just a fact of
life.

     
Are you sure
about this, Doll? Once you agree, you won't be able to take it back.

     
Closing my
eyes, I leaned my head into the crook of his neck. "…Okay. Next time I
won't go running to him. Not even if you're gone and I have no place else to
go."

     
"You'll
always have a place to go," he promised. "Actually, that reminds
me…" He pulled away and dug into the inner pocket of his jacket, producing
a key. "Here."

     
I stared at it.

     
"Next time
you won't have to sleep on my doorstep," he said as he grabbed my hand and
dropped the key onto my palm. It was a bit longer than the ordinary house keys
I was used to. The bow was also shaped somewhat differently. But what threw me
off was its weight. It felt a bit too heavy to be brass.

     
I didn't move.
"Are you sure? On top of being a money grubbing ho-ho, I could also be a
thief." He tapped my nose with the tip of his forefinger. The shock
finally wore off and I giggled. "I'm stealing one of your shirts to sleep
in while you're gone."

     
"You're
really still set on staying?" he asked, clearly disappointed.

     
"I have
the ability to ignore certain things - like what it will be like to have to go
through the days without you. But I can imagine how happy I'll be when you
finally get to see my finished work upon your return."

     
After a few
lingering seconds, he sighed and his look of disappointment faded into one of
compliance. "Keep your phone charged and on you at all times,
understand?"

     
I nodded
enthusiastically, both surprised and delighted that he finally agreed.

     
"And don't
stay in the building too late. If I find out you're still there past eight
o'clock, there'll be major consequences waiting for you when I come back. Don't
think I won't be checking."

     
I bit my lip
and watched as his eyes darkened. "What kind of consequences?"

     
"Just
don't," he answered quietly.

     
"Yes,
master," I said half-jokingly with a pout.

     
"Keep
calling me that. See what happens."

     
"Yes,
sir?"

     
He smirked.
"If you're planning on stealing from my wardrobe, it would help if you had
a getaway car. Are you still going to remain stubborn about-"