Overheard in a Dream (35 page)

“Finally Fergus climaxed himself and as he did, he kissed me. It was a hungry, devouring kiss, as invasive as his penis, or perhaps more so, because I hadn’t been antici-pating it. With his coming, however, some of his energy seemed to dissipate. He kissed me further, still deeply but less forcefully. Finally, he relaxed onto the carpet beside me.

“We lay together on the floor for several minutes and did not speak. As so often happens, it was the tiny things that began to make an impression on my consciousness first – the feel of the shaggy carpet on my back, the faint, faint smell of carpet shampoo, the irritated skin of my elbows, rubbed sore from friction.

“‘This is how it should be between us,’ Fergus murmured in a soft, satisfied way. ‘Just like it always was.’

“‘Mmm?’

“‘Don’t you remember?’

“I looked over to make out his features in the darkness. ‘Remember what?’

“‘Atlantis.’

“‘
Atlantis
?’

“‘Yes, don’t you remember? When you were queen and I was your lover. Your secret lover. Remember how I came to you at night? How I came in my little boat and moored it up alongside that stone wall? Surely you must remember that. Cast your mind back.’

“‘Fergus, come on. You don’t have to bring all this into it. What we have between us is great all by itself. You don’t need to turn it into something else.’

“‘No, Laura, close your eyes. Look back. Free your soul and look back to that stone wall. Can’t you see it? Those huge, square blocks the masons made, how they built that great wall running from the palace down to the water? And the wooden pier? Our secret pier. It’s night. Remember? Remember how you would always wait midst the trees for me? The moon was shining on the dark water and I was pushing my little boat up. Fly free with your soul, my queen. Don’t you see it? Don’t you see me coming to you? Dying for you, there on the pier?’

“The thing was, I
could
see it, the whole scene unfolding rapidly in my mind with such eidetic clarity that I saw the moon-cast shadows, the ripples on the black water, the blood on the stones of the wall. With my acute ability to visualize, all he needed to do was construct the merest mood and I, lying in the darkness, dropped into an entire world instantly.

“‘You do see it, don’t you?’ Fergus said confidently.

“‘I’ve created a picture in my mind, yes. But with my kind of imagination, Fergus, I can create anything. You know that. I can picture the dark side of the moon, if that’s what I go after.’

“‘But
is
it a picture? Or is it reality? What proof is there that you’re not really seeing the dark side of the moon? That what you’re seeing isn’t real?’

“‘Because I’m making it up,’ I said.

“‘Laura, Laura,
Laura
, whatever will we do with you?’ he moaned softly. ‘Where do you get this resistance that so ill becomes you?’

“‘It isn’t resistance. I only said, why do I have to believe? Isn’t it enough that it’s there in my mind? Why does it have to be real?’

“‘Clear these continual doubts out of your mind. They lower you.’ He leaned over to kiss me.

“‘But why can’t you accept things for what they are, Fergus? Why does everything have to be more than it seems? Why must you grab at even the most tenuous ideas in an effort to connect everything to everything else?’

“‘Because everything
is
connected.’

“‘
Is
it? Does it have to be? And does it matter, if it isn’t? I mean, I’d be happy if there were other lives, if I’d been a queen in Atlantis and we’d been lovers, but I’m still happy even if we weren’t. We made good love, Fergus. Why does it only have value in your eyes, if we were once lovers in Atlantis?’

“‘Because otherwise nothing would make sense, Laura. If nothing was connected, there’d be no meaning to what we do. What would be the point of anything? Why exist at all?’

“I had no answer to that. But as I lay in the darkness the scene from Atlantis came into my mind again. The wall, built of dressed grey stone, was to my left. A cobbled boat sloped into the water between the wall and the small wooden pier. The water itself was not a lake, but a river of huge, Nile-like proportions, moving sluggishly in the right-hand direction. His little boat, moored to the pier, bobbed in the dark water. It was crudely made and easily sunk.

“Not only could I see this scene, but the story formed quickly around it – how my husband, the king, had discovered my unfaithfulness and sent the guards; how my lover’s death sparked rebellion among the commoners and brought about the downfall of the kingdom; how I ran, panicked, through the darkness, the branches of the shoreline bushes flicking my face as I struggled to escape my own inevitable fate.

“I lay, seeing the faces, hearing the voices, and wondering: Why does my mind do this to me?”

“A
fter finishing his readings at the health club, Fergus often stopped by my apartment. He had his own key by that point, so he would just let himself in. I was normally studying at my desk in the bedroom.

“‘God, you take this shit so seriously,’ he muttered one night, shifting a pharmacopoeia aside so he could sit down on my bed.

“‘I need to.’

“‘
I
need to unwind. Let’s go to Jay’s Place for a while.’

“‘I’d love to, Fergus, but I can’t. It’s my turn to present the patient case tomorrow, so I need to be prepared.’

“‘Do it later.’

“‘If we go out, I won’t have a “later”. I need to get some sleep as well. I’m exhausted.’

“‘Have you been meditating?’

“‘Yes, I’ve been meditating. But I still need sleep.’

“‘Yes, but
have
you been doing the meditation? The way I showed you? Because if you’re doing it the way I showed you, Laura, you shouldn’t need so much sleep. The body requires
no more than four hours’ sleep to regenerate. Anything past that is wasteful.’

“‘
I
need more than four hours, I’m afraid,’ I said. I sighed. ‘
And
I still need to get this finished.’

“He paused to look at me, his expression displeased. ‘I wish you weren’t so resistant.’

“‘Look, I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to go out, but that I can’t. I
have
to complete this.’

“Fergus regarded me intently. When he couldn’t get me to cooperate, he smiled in a sad sort of way that thinly disguised disapproval under sympathy. ‘Here, I’ll make us a cup of tea,’ he finally said.

“Picking up the dirty mug from my desk, he glanced off-handedly into it, then blanched. ‘
Coffee
?’ Said with astonishment befitting the discovery that I’d been knocking back mugs full of whiskey.

“‘Yes, coffee,’ I said.

“With completely unexpected force, he threw the coffee cup. It hit the edge of the bookshelf and fell to the floor, shattering. ‘
Why
do you do this to me?’ he asked angrily. ‘Why do you resist every effort I make with you?’

“‘I’m sorry. I’m just tired.’

“‘You’re
not
meditating,’ he said fiercely and loomed over me.

“‘Fergus, I
am
meditating, but I don’t have enough hours in my day. I’m trying to do your stuff. I’m trying to do my stuff. And I’m shattered.’ Tears came to my eyes.

“‘No wonder Torgon refuses to come through you directly,’ Fergus muttered blackly. ‘You don’t even try to meet her halfway.’

“Huffily he disappeared into the kitchen, while I got up to clear away the pieces of broken mug.

“When he returned, he was carrying cups of herbal tea. No matter what the label said, every tea Fergus brought tasted the same to me. Their herb-and-flower smell had become inextricably connected in my mind with Fergus’s presence.

“He pushed the books out of his way and flopped down on my bed. ‘What I actually came to talk to you about is this course on channelling I want you to go on. It’s in San Francisco. I know the leader personally and he’s top of the league. It’s a private course, only for those who have already achieved a certain level of enlightenment, and I think it’d be ideal for you. There’ll be a lot of other people like yourself who’ve already made good contact with their guides but aren’t fully at home with channelling. Gavin, this guy who runs it, channels professionally. He’s, like, done it for all these movie stars and business people. Really famous people. And he’s rich as shit.’

“‘I can’t go on a course, Fergus It’s right at the end of the term. I could never get the time off.’

“‘We’re only talking two weeks. Two weeks, Laura, and you’d have the benefits for a lifetime. I’ve already talked to Gavin about you. He’s confident that once Raif – that’s his guide – once Raif talks to you, it’ll make all the difference. This guy isn’t Mickey Mouse, Laura. If anyone can help you bring Torgon through clearly, it’ll be Gavin.’

“I remember sitting there, listening to him and feeling depression settle over me. I wanted to please him. I loved him so much that I longed to be everything he wanted me to be, but how could I do it? There simply wasn’t enough time to do all the things he wanted me to do and my studies as well, and he became so impatient with me when I didn’t manage it. As
for the issue of Torgon … it had been one thing creating an alter ego for myself out of Torgon to use with the Tuesday night group, but what Fergus was trying to ‘bring through’ was something very much grander and I just didn’t have it. There
was
no ‘real’ Torgon for Gavin and Raif to find. Nothing for me to channel unless I faked absolutely everything. But Fergus refused to hear me when I tried to explain this. He kept insisting it was all my fault that Torgon wasn’t real to me, that if I just did what he said, if I meditated more, lived a purer, more worthy life, studied the things he gave me, just
listened
to him, then Torgon
would
come to me as a true Voice.

“I tried to explain that it just wasn’t possible to go on this course he’d arranged for me. I didn’t want to make him angry, because I’d already discovered a very tigerish temper lurking in his love for me. He could roar up in such a fierce way that there wasn’t much distance between passion and violence in his behaviour. I knew it was all my fault, but as much as I wanted to please him, I simply couldn’t do it. I said, ‘Betjeman’s fed up to the back teeth with me as it is. He’s called me in twice now to read me the riot act because my work’s slipped. Once upon a time I was a straight-A student so I’ve had to promise him I’d focus on my work. And I have to. I’ve got a microbiology course this term that I’m really struggling to pass. I need it to get this degree, so I
have
to study.’

“‘Betjeman? Why is it always Betjeman?’ Fergus replied angrily.

“I sighed.

“Fergus gave me a very penetrating look, his dark eyes moving slowly across my face. Then suddenly he leaped to his
feet to tower menacingly over me. ‘Are you fucking Betjeman? Is that why you’re so caught up in what he wants?’

“‘
No
! God, no, Fergus. Why would you ever think that? He’s just my adviser.’

“‘I don’t believe you.’

“‘Fergus, don’t be insane. He’s like a million years old. I’d never even consider him in that way. You’re the one I love.’

“‘Well, if that’s so, then prove it to me.’ His voice was quiet. ‘You choose.’

“‘What do you mean?’

“‘Him or me. Tell Betjeman to stick it up his asshole and come with me to California. Or choose him and I’m done with you.’

“Astonished, I looked up at him. ‘Come off it, Fergus.’

“He kept his dark eyes on my face.

“‘I’m not hearing this,’ I said and shook my head. ‘I’m not hearing what you just said.’ I opened a text book and bent over it.

“‘I knew you were going to betray me,’ he replied. ‘Just as you did before. Just as you’ve always done.’

“I didn’t respond. I kept my head down, my eyes on the text of the open book and pretended to read, but my mind was elsewhere, a million light years away, darting through parallel universes, other dimensions, the darker reaches of the imagination.

“‘And I’ll tell you something else,’ Fergus said. ‘That first night in the health club when you said you were studying medicine, my heart sank. The Voices had already told me this was not where your life was going, even when I didn’t realize yet who you were. That very first night in the health club. I looked at you and I already knew you were on the wrong path.’

“I raised my head. Bracing my forearms on the desk, I leaned towards him. ‘You keep telling me to tune into what Torgon wants, to what wisdom she has to offer me. The truth is, the only time I have ever genuinely done that was in regards to pursuing medicine. They have no doctors in Torgon’s world. No books. No science. And precious little knowledge on how to keep people from dying of the simplest maladies. Just an old woman covered in paint and goat oil who shakes rattles at the injustice of it all. So, I thought,
I
can learn it for her.
I
can go out and
I
can make a difference with my learning. Torgon inspired me. That’s the one single choice I’ve ever truly made because of Torgon. So how can you tell me now it isn’t my path?’

“‘Because the Voices have said otherwise. They have told me however hard you work, you will never spend a day as a doctor.’”