Overflow: The Carpino Series (22 page)

The tears were streaming down my face again, knowing that
however the end of Jude’s story turned out it was going to be tragic.  He
brought his hands up to my face, his thumbs swiping my tears, but they just
kept coming.  His fingers tensed in my hair and continued in his quiet raspy
voice, “We had about five weeks of happy.  I was away on a two day training
mission and by the beginning of the second day, I couldn’t get ahold of her
which was unusual.  She was teaching at the time, but she never went more than
an hour or two without calling me back.  I finally had a friend on base go to
check on her,” Jude pulled in another gulp of air.  Letting it out he finished
on a whisper, “They found her in our bathroom, so much blood and she’d been
dead for hours.  I wasn’t there, Gabby.  She was by herself and she couldn’t
get help.”

My chest is rising violently with my breathing and my heart
is beating wildly while Jude is still holding my head in his big hands.  It is
all so overwhelming but I had to ask, “Miscarriage?” 

Shaking his head no, answering, “Not a normal miscarriage,
the autopsy showed she had an ectopic pregnancy.  She was farther along than we
thought because her periods were irregular, the embryo had split giving us
twins and they were planted in one of her fallopian tubes.  It was rare, but
with her being farther along than we thought and two babies growing inside of
her, they didn’t catch it early like they normally do.  It caused her tube to
burst, she was by herself and probably in so much pain she couldn’t even get to
a phone to call for help.  She bled out and died in our fucking bathroom,
alone, with my babies inside of her.  I lost all three of them in one day.  And
I don’t care that they were only weeks old and it was an ectopic pregnancy,
they were mine and always will be.  I had a wife, two babies and then I had
nothing.” 

It is at this moment I realize I love him.  It hurts that he
didn’t tell me about his past, so bad that I can literally feel it in my
heart.  And if I’m just another woman to him and he doesn’t feel the same about
me, it will rip me to shreds.  But I can’t help it, I love him.  I know the
look in his eyes, I’ve experienced that look and I can’t stand it that I see it
on his beautiful face. 

Jude is blurry now from the tears in my eyes and I’m shaking
my head back forth.  Not being able to take it another second, I climb out from
under the covers and crawl into his lap, straddling him.  He pulls me into his
arms, stuffing my face in his neck, one hand at my head and the other at my
ass.  “I’m so sorry,” I mumble into his neck, not being able to stop my tears. 
“I’m sorry you lost them and I’m sorry I was such a bitch.”

His fingers tense on me and he says into my hair, “Sugar,
you weren’t a bitch.  I should have told you sooner.  It’s been nine years and
I’ve gotten used to keeping it to myself, buried deep.  As time went on, I
didn’t know how to tell you or when to bring it up.  It’s not fun telling
people you were a widower at the age of twenty four.  The more time that passed
made it harder.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner and I’m really sorry all
that happened out there.  That shouldn’t have been the way you found out, it
should have come from me.  Conner is a mean drunk and always has been.  I could
fucking kill him for what he said to you.”

Not knowing what to say to all that, I hold on tighter. 
Yes, he should have told me sooner, but I know as well as anyone that there is
never a good time to have to explain death and heartache.  But as much as I
hurt for Jude, for what he lost, the two children he never got to hold in his
hands, the wife that he clearly loved more than anything, I’m now more
conflicted than ever about what I mean to Jude. 

And I’m exhausted. 

Emotionally drained. 

Trying to catch my breath from my latest crying jag, all I
can do is hold on to him because I don’t know how to ask him about what all
this means for us.  Do I even want to know?  I don’t know how I feel about
being lumped into the large category of ‘women’ and that other awful word that
Jude has clearly had in the past nine years.  I feel the fear and panic
starting to take over, to the point that I can’t learn anymore tonight.  I
don’t even want to know about the last nine years of his life since he lost his
family that he loved deeply and completely. 

“I’m tired, Jude,” I whisper in to his neck, doing my best
to control my tears.  I need to go to sleep, escape all of this for a few hours
and think about it again tomorrow.  I start to pull away from him, needing
sleep since it is the only escape I’m going to find. 

Not letting me pull away, he says, “Gabby.  Look at me,”
holding my face to his.  “Are you okay?”

Knowing I can’t handle this tonight, I can’t handle the
thought of what his answers could be about us.  Learning that he was married
and he loved his Julia so much and not knowing how I fit into the big picture
of Jude’s life is painful.  No, it’s more the fear that he might never love
that way again that is so painful it cuts through me.  Needing to do anything
to get him to stop talking, I try, “You’re asking if I’m okay after you just
had to share all that?”

He narrows his eyes at me slightly saying, “Gabby, that
scene was intense and ugly.  You were upset to say the least.  Are you okay?” 

Physically slumping in his arms because I literally feel
tapped of all my energy, I answer evasively, yet as honestly as I can, “Jude,
I’m just so tired.  Can we please just go to sleep?”

Jude, still holding my head sweeps my face with his eyes. 
Sighing, he whispers back, “Yeah, sugar.  We can go to sleep.  I’ve gotta go
clean up glass and a broken lamp in the other room.  Will you be okay?”

“Yes,” I answer honestly this time, because I just need to
be by myself, so yes, I’m okay with him cleaning up the other room.  He pulls
me in for slow soft kiss, making my eyes burn with tears again.  Doing my best
to fight them back, he releases me, searches my face again and I wonder what
he’s looking for. 

I crawl off his lap, not caring that I’m naked under his big
soft shirt, climb into bed and curl in as tight as I can.  Jude covers me up,
kisses my head and says, “I’ll be right back.” 

I squeeze my eyes shut and pray for sleep to take over
before he gets back.  I hear him moving around the other room and glass being
dumped into the trash.  I don’t even want to think about what happened out
there.  My body is tense and my mind is racing, there is no way I’m going to
fall asleep.  Not knowing how much time has passed, Jude finally comes in and I
try to feign sleep.  He moves around the bathroom, then back into the bedroom
and he climbs in behind me.  I guess I was wrong in thinking he might leave me
be.  He reaches around my stomach and hauls me tight into his chest, fitting
himself to me from tip to toe.  Dipping his hand under his own shirt and onto
my naked body, he rests his big hand on my ribs right under my breasts.  I can
feel his lips come to the back of my head.  Because I can’t help it and it
feels so good, I snuggle my ass in tight.  He doesn’t want anything else, he
just wants me close.  I let the heat of his body seep into mine as we lay here,
not saying a word.  Thinking I will never find sleep tonight with all that I’ve
learned, I find myself hoping Jude doesn’t have any more surprises for me.  I
don’t think I can handle one more surprise.  As my thoughts get murky and I
feel myself starting to drop off from emotional exhaustion, I  feel Jude’s arm
tighten one more time as he murmurs something into the back of my head, but I’m
too tired to pay attention or remember as sleep finally takes over my body. 

I sit the plane down smoothly on the runway and taxi close
to the terminal.  Looking over, I see Gabby staring out her window.  Fuck me. 
I would kick my own ass if it was possible for what happened last night.  I
should have told her about Julia sooner.  But I kept telling myself it would be
hard for her since she lost her parents just a few years ago and I was trying
to protect her, when really I’m a coward and it scared the shit out of me thinking
how she would react because I didn’t want to lose her or scare her away.  This
is the first time in nine years that I’ve cared about anyone.  That alone has
scared me enough without the thought of having to tell her that I was married
with twins on the way when my life was ripped apart.  And now I’ve hurt her
because I was weak.  She’s been withdrawn and quiet all morning, talking to me
only about closing up the cabin and details about coming home.  Her eyes are
swollen from crying last night and she looks as exhausted as I feel.  I barely
slept last night, doing my best to rest since I had to fly today and get Gabby home
safely. 

I tried talking to her this morning, making sure she was
okay after all she learned about me last night.  She lied, saying she was fine
when she’s obviously not fine at all.  Gabby was focused on the tasks at hand,
cleaning up, helping me winterize the cabin and locking it up until the next
trip.  She was quick and efficient with packing, even packing up the damn
hiking shoes I bought her that she knew I had planned on keeping at the cabin
for her future trips. 

 I closed the plane down and we are making our way through
the terminal to the parking lot when I look up and stop in my tracks.  Tony’s
Explorer is parked at the curb and he is standing there in a suit, leaning
against the passenger door with his arms crossed glaring at me, obviously
pissed.  Our plans were for me to take Gabby home, drop our stuff so we could
both get in an afternoon of work and catch up from being away.  I turn my head
and look down at her, finding she has stopped next to me.  She’s turned to me
but is looking at the pavement, worrying her hands in front of her. 

“Gabby?” I can barely get her name out, fearful of what she
will say or why Tony is here.  She gives me her tired blue eyes and that
beautiful face which looks worn with worry and stress. 

“Jude,” she starts and looks over to Tony then back to me. 
“I think we should take a little time, figure some things out,” she takes in a
big breath before commencing to rock my world in the worst way.  “You know,
think about things.” 

“What?” I bite back but it barely comes out as a whisper. 

“Please, I need some time,” she whispers back, her tired
eyes looking into mine in a way I never wanted to see. 

I look to Tony standing there, waiting for us to finish
whatever this is, his eyes narrow on me.  I drop her suitcase, look back at
Gabby and close the distance between us.  I hook her behind the neck and her
hands come up to my chest, leaning her forehead in between her hands.  I kiss
the top of her head and leave my lips there to whisper, “Sugar, what are you
doing?”

She fists her hands in my shirt and gives her head a shake
and says, “Just give me a couple of hours, we can talk tonight, okay?”

“Sugar--” but I don’t get a chance to finish, she pulls
away, cutting me off.  “Just a couple of hours, Jude.  Please.”

At that moment Tony, done being patient, walks up to take
her suitcase while saying, “Come on, Gabby.  I’ll take you home.”

This is not fucking happening.   “Gabby?” I call after her
one more time as she makes the short trek to Tony’s car. 

She turns around saying, “Tonight.  We’ll talk tonight. 
Okay?”

I pull in a breath to calm myself down because what I really
want to do is take her home myself, make her listen to me, make her tell me
what she’s worried about, or fuck me, tell her I want her forever.  Finding
myself speechless with my own thoughts, all I manage to do is lift my chin to
her indicating that I’ll see her tonight, watch her walk away from me and feel
my chest tighten with pain.  Standing here, feeling destitute and not being
able to do anything but watch her cousin take her away, I think about the
future.  The future isn’t something I’ve thought about in nine years.  Thinking
of what was missing in the future was too agonizing and only made me think of
my past.  As amazing as my time with Gabby has been, I’ve only allowed myself
to live in the present. 

“Fuck!” I yell at no one, turn and stride to my truck, get
in, slam the door and go to work because there is nowhere else for me to go. 

*****

“Boy.  You know what you need to do.  I’ve known you since
you were a Cadet, you’re no weakling and it’s time.  Quit pussy footin’
around.  I know you’ve been through hell and back losing Julia and the babies,
but if this is your second chance at a life, take it.  I know her road hasn’t
been easy either, but you’re a good man and she’s lucky to have you.  She’s
gotta know that by now.  I can only hope my three girls find a man like you
someday.  That is, after you get your head out of your ass,” Mac says in
earnest.  Mac doesn’t screw around with words, I’ve known him since I was in
the Academy and he was an instructor.  He’s always been a good mentor and we
stayed in touch when he left the Force for a job with the FBI and he helped me
through the hiring process.  He knows me well, so well, that once I got to the
office and he saw my mood, he marched my ass into the conference room making me
spill like a girl. 

“Don’t sugar coat it or anything, Mac,” I mutter, staring
out the window with my back to him. 

“Shit,” he rumbles.  “Do you want her or not?”

Frowning, I turn to him crossing my arms to answer, “Well,
yeah.  I want her.”

“Then get the hell out of here and go get her.  This is the
FB fucking I, not couples counseling,” he responds, turning to storm out of the
room slamming the door behind him.   

Yeah, I want her.  She knows everything there is to know
about me now, there’s nothing between us anymore.  Not able to wait another
second, I head to my desk to get my shit and get to Gabby as fast as I can. 

*****

“Gabby!” Jude calls, coming from the garage.  “Where are
you?” 

I let out a breath and close my eyes.  It’s not tonight. 
It’s only late afternoon.  Well, I guess it is five o’clock and five o’clock
could swing either way.  But I was thinking tonight-tonight when I told him
tonight.  Not this afternoon-tonight.

“Gabby?” he bites out, impatiently this time. 

“In here,” I answer quietly.  I hear Jude coming through the
great room and see him standing in the French doors to the study that overlooks
the front of my house. 

“Sugar, what are you doing in here?  I’ve never seen you in
here before,” he rasps out as he stands there with his hands on his hips.  Mia
is circling his feet, and as usual, he is paying her no mind.

“I don’t know,” I say withdrawn, because I am.  “I used to
sit in here for hours after my parents died.  My dad used to work in here all
the time.  His desk was always a mess with case files and court documents. 
When I was little I would play in here when he worked.  I’d sit right here on
this sofa with my baby dolls laid out and accessorize them.  I never played
with them much, just changed their clothes.”

That’s when he moves to me, I’m curled into the corner of my
dad’s tufted leather sofa.  He instantly invades my space again by picking up
my feet and sitting down laying my legs over his lap. 

Typical. 

All I can do is sigh.

I’ve thought all afternoon.  I thought and thought and
thought.  And all I can come up with is what came to me yesterday.  I love him,
everything about him.  But if he doesn’t feel the same, it’s going to break
me.  I’ll literally be broken.  Again.  And I’m so tired of being broken. 

“Your dad worked for the District Attorney’s office?” he
asks.  I notice he’s looking at my dad’s certificates that are famed and
hanging around the room. 

“Yeah, for about five years before he and my uncles formed
their practice.  He was an Assistant District Attorney.  I was so little, I
don’t remember him working there.”

Jude then looks back to me and quietly rasps, “Babe, why are
you in here?”

“I don’t know,” I lie.  There are parts of this house that
make me feel closer to my parents and this is one of them.  I need to be close
to them today somehow.  I feel like I’m bracing for something.

“Sugar, tell me what you’re thinking.”  I lift my eyes to
his and he leans in closer, wrapping an arm around my legs and the other hand
to the side of my neck.  He’s done it again.  Caged me in.  And I can’t deny
it, this feels nice.  I close my eyes and lean my head into his hand, feeling
like I could go to sleep right here.  I feel his fingers tense lightly in my
hair and I open my eyes and he whispers, “Gabby, talk to me.”

I sigh again and look into his eyes that look as tired and
as stressed as I feel.  “It’s just that Conner compared me to lots of women. 
Not to mention calling me other awful names.  I need to know what that means,
but I’m afraid I already know what that means and that scares me to be lumped
into a group like that.”

“Sugar, I’ve not been in a relationship since Julia died. 
Not once in nine years.  Now, I’m sorry to say, that doesn’t mean there weren’t
women in my life.  If I could change that for you now, I would, but I can’t. 
But you have to know you’re more than that, Gabby.  Much more.  You know that. 
We haven’t known each other long, but you have to know that, at least.  Surely
you can feel it.” 

Well, I sure don’t want to be lumped in that group, so I
guess that’s good.  I swallow and look out the window to my front yard.  He
gives my head a little shake to get my attention and continues, “Babe, there’s
something I need to---” but he’s interrupted by my cell phone playing a song
from somewhere in the sofa.  I start to move around to find it and he says,
“Gabby, let it go, I need to talk to you.”

“Let me just see who it is, Jude.”  Just as I can’t handle
surprises, I can’t not know who’s calling me.  I finally find my phone and when
I look at it, I immediately slide my thumb across and mutter, “It’s the
hospital.  What the hell?”  I answer, “Hello?”

“Gabby?” I can hear her and I know her well enough to know
she’s crying and something is very wrong.

My back goes straight and I pull my legs off Jude and say,
“Leigh?  What’s wrong?  Why are you at the hospital?”

Her shaky voice comes through the phone again, but not
answering my questions, she says, “I’m so sorry, Gabby.  I didn’t know who else
to call.”

“Leigh, what’s wrong?” I demand.  Jude and I are both
standing now but out of the corner of my eye I see his hand reaching for my
phone. 

Uh, huh! 

Not this time! 

I lean back, ducking out of the way and swat his hand away
with a slap.  I point my finger at him giving him the meanest glare I can
muster.  He is not snatching my phone away from me when my childhood friend is
calling from the hospital crying and I’m trying to figure out what is wrong. 
Not this time.  No way!  I’m learning his maneuvers and I’m creating my own
Jude Defense, even if I have to resort to a girlie slap!  I take a step back,
waving my hand around in front of me again for good measure to communicate to
him he had better keep his paws off my phone!  He, in turn, stands there with
his arms folded across his chest glaring back at me. 

Trying to concentrate, I ask again, “Leigh?  Tell me what’s
wrong.”

“Can you come, Gabby?  I don’t have anyone else,” she
answers as her breath catches. 

“Yes, I’ll be right there.  But you have to tell me, are you
okay?” I probe again.

“No,” I hardly hear over the phone. 

Now she’s scaring the shit out of me.  “Okay.  You hold
tight, I’ll be right there.  I’m leaving now.”

“Thank you,” she says, and my phone is nothing but dead air.

“What?” Jude asks impatiently, since he didn’t get to snatch
my phone away this time.

“She needs me, I don’t know what’s happening but I’ve got to
get to the hospital,” I explain as I bypass him and head to the kitchen to grab
my purse.  “It’s got to be bad, Jude.  She was crying and wouldn’t say what’s
wrong.  I’m sorry, but we’ll have to talk later.  I’ve got to get to her.”

“I’ll take you,” he says.

“No, no.  It’s okay, you don’t have to.  I’ll call you, let
you know what’s going on.”

“Gabby, I’m taking you.  Let’s go.”

“Jude--”

“Enough, sugar.  I can tell your upset, you won’t know what
you’ll need when you get there, I’ll take you.  Let’s go.”

“Fine, but we need to hurry.  I don’t know where her asshole
of a husband is and she doesn’t have any family here anymore.  If she says she
needs me, she really needs me,” I rush out my garage to Jude’s truck, I can
hear him setting the alarm and following me out. 

Jude climbs in his truck, looks at me as he cranks it on and
says, “Don’t worry, Gabby.  I’ll get you to her as fast as I can.”

As he charges down my street and out of my neighborhood, I
reach over and grab his hand saying, “Thank you.” 

*****

Jude was not kidding when he said he would get me here
fast.  I’m pretty sure we made it in record time and even parked in the
emergency parking area so we didn’t have to mess with the parking garage. 
Stopping at the front desk to get her room number, I’m shocked to learn she is
in obstetrics.  Looking at Jude with a puzzled look on my face, he gazes down
at me softly and takes my hand pulling me in the right direction. 

We exit the elevator, Jude finds the signs quicker than me,
pulls me to the left and stops when we get to her room.  He looks down at me,
puts his hands on my shoulders and rasps softly, “You go in, she doesn’t know
me.  I’ll be right here if you need me.”  He leans in and kisses me softly.