Over the Hills and Far Away (NOLA's Own #1) (51 page)

I heard the
clink, clink
of him releasing his belt buckle and the whisper of his pants sliding down over his skin.

“Or is it because…it wasn’t
you
?”

Relief and longing swiftly got replaced with unbridled fury. It sparked, ignited, and seared its way through my veins, burning into my heart and psyche.

“Fuck you!” I screamed. “Go fuck yourself, you arrogant, cocky piece of sh—”

A huge hand closed around the side of my face and head, pressing me into the mattress. Mad as all hell, I morphed into a spitfire, twisting to one side, ready to flip over and start wailing on this son of a bitch.

“Don’t. Fuckin’. Move.” he growled, punctuating his words with slight pushes to my head.

“You’re an asshole!” I screamed.

My right arm got trapped beneath my torso, and my hip cocked slightly with his left hand grasping it, holding me still. I dragged my left fist up to my mouth and sank my teeth into my knuckles. Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I saw bursts and swirls of colors behind my lids.

His left hand slipped over my ass cheek, and his fingers slid along my slit. He probed and pushed two burning long fingers inside.

Groaning softly, he murmured, “You’re always fuckin’ ready for me, aren’t you?”

My teeth bit even harder into my knuckles, and I stifled a moan.
Busted.

Pulling out his invading fingers, his hand guided his cock to my entrance, and he pushed forward.

This is so fucking fucked up. I should
not
be enjoying this. I should be furious with him for doing this to me, for humiliating me like this.

But I couldn’t be. I simply wanted it too much. It thrilled me that he needed to show me that I was his, that I wasn’t
allowed
to run from him. He sank in as fully as possible with me flattened and trapped like this. His soft moan of bliss was so sexy that I felt myself clenching around him in reflex.

The bed in front of me sagged with the weight of his left hand bracing himself as he leaned over me. His right hand slipped from my hip and fisted painfully into the hair at the back of my head. The heat of his face caressed mine as he leaned in, his mouth right next to my ear.

Pulling back, he slammed into me—
hard.
“If you
ever
—” He pulled back and slammed into me again. “Ever!” he shouted in my ear, making it ring. “Run from me like that again—”

“You’ll call me a bitch and a coward, throw me down, and rape me?” It had just popped out of my mouth, and there was no taking it back.

My unadulterated pure anger was pouring out of me, regardless of how turned on I was. It pissed me off that I loved it, that I adored that he could do this to me. I was so furious with him, with myself, but I was still so fucking hot for him that the only thing I had left were my words, and I’d felt compelled to use them as weapons.

He stilled for a second, and his fist tightened in my hair. “That’s funny. I don’t remember you saying no.” His voice rang deep and deadly.

“I don’t recall you asking if it was okay to
humiliate
me like this.” My voice turned mean and nasty.

“Is that what this is?” He sounded so…
stunned
. “Am I
raping
you?” he asked, his voice becoming soft and curious.

“It doesn’t feel wrong. I don’t think it could ever be wrong with you, Phil. But this sure as hell doesn’t feel
right
either.”

He released a slow long breath against the side of my face, and his fist loosened in my hair. His fingertips spread out, gently massaging the back of my head. Pressing his forehead to the spot right above my ear, he breathed raggedly. “No, it doesn’t,” he whispered.

To my absolute surprise and embarrassment, fat, salty tears from all the stress soaked the blanket beneath my face.

The weight of his body settled heavier over mine, and his left hand slid down to enclose my fist. I opened my hand, and he laced our fingers together. His heart pounded heavily against my back, and my heart skipped a beat, restarting in rhythm with his.

“I never wanted you to know about what happened that night,” he confessed softly. “I’ve hated myself for it ever since. I was so fuckin’ pissed and needin’ you so bad that I just did it. I didn’t think about it, and”—he swallowed thickly—“I felt so
filthy
. Until that moment, I had only slept with one person.” Turning his head, he rested the side of his face on top of mine. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered. “I betrayed us that night, Baby Girl. I tarnished the purest experience of my life in a moment of rage.”

I pulled our entwined hands closer and pressed them to my lips. He strained against me, seeking to be deeper.

“I’ve done a lot of fucked-up shit, things I’m ashamed of. And it all started in that moment…” Phil told me.

I kept my eyes closed, but I released the tension I’d carried behind them, my brows smoothing out. With my exhale, I let it go. With my inhale, I took his breath and scent into me, filling me.

In the back of my mind, so faint I could hardly detect it, I heard his voice begging me to forgive him
.

“Please…don’t leave me. Please tell me it’ll be all right, that I haven’t fucked up the only thing that ever mattered to me. Please forgive me.”

Sinking into myself, I bypassed this desperate chanting until my mind felt as though it were in a state of suspended animation. In this place, I would always be able to find the answers I was seeking. Here, I could point myself in the direction I should be heading.

I heard his voice, full of love and warmth.

“I’ve just felt the greatest peace I’ve ever known, and it’s in you.”

Ascending from deep within my psyche, opening my eyes, the dim light in my room seemed so bright. He was so still, holding me so tight. He was so scared that it was now finished between us. All I could feel was him deep inside me and the hammering of his heart beating into my back.

“Phil,” I said quietly, my voice sounding hoarse.

“Yeah, Baby Girl,” he breathed.

“It’s going to be okay,” I assured him.

Phil dragged in a shaky deep breath. “I thought…” He couldn’t even bring himself to say it.

With his cheek pressed to mine, I felt him bite his lip. His jaw clenched as he fought the overwhelming urge to weep.

“When I left tonight, I wasn’t
leaving
you,” I told him. My voice sounded soothing to my own ears. I hoped it was for him. “I needed to get away from you, yeah, but I needed to get away from Jason and Sheri and your family and everyone else because I couldn’t let them see me break like that. I was so embarrassed and so hurt. I just needed time to think.”

He released his shaky breath. “Okay.”

“And, Phil?”

“Yeah, Baby Girl.”

“Your belt buckle is stabbing me in the ass.”

Sighing, he attempted to speak, “Can I…” He had to swallow around the question. “Can I come back inside?”

“Yes.”

Pushing himself up, he brushed his mouth over my cheekbone. His hand released my fist and moved to my waist where he held me as he gently pulled out. I felt the loss of him, leaving me cold and empty. I also needed him where he belonged.

Standing up, he bent over to take off his shitkickers and socks, and everything else. I didn’t watch. I didn’t move. I simply waited for him to come back to me. When he returned, he lifted me and tugged off my shirt. Then, he stretched the both of us across the bed, so we were lying on our sides in a spoonlike fashion. His right arm snuck beneath my head while his left skimmed from my hip, up my torso, and across my chest to clasp my shoulder. He buried his face in my neck, inhaling deeply, and he pressed a soft kiss there.

“I lost it,” he confessed. “I totally lost my fuckin’ shit when you drove off.”

“What happened?”

“X and Flipper came out and jumped me. They pinned me down until I stopped screamin’ for you, and Sheri…she told me what Jason did—”

“She was so scared, Phil. She tried to make him stop. She begged him to. She was shaking so bad,” I whispered, remembering the fear on her face and the tremble in her voice. “I think I felt worse for her than I did for myself. At first, I thought he was just being mean to
her
.”

“She knew that I never wanted anyone else to know about that night,” he said. “She knows how I feel…”

“What happened after we left?”

He took another deep breath. “I think I scared the shit out of my dad. He was yelling at me, askin’ me how it was possible that I drove away the only person I ever loved.” His breath caught in his chest. “I threw a lamp against the wall. I’ve never been violent like that with him—or with anyone really. Then, I found Jason, and…”

My heart froze. “And?”

“I think I broke his face.”

Gasping in shock, I asked, “Are you serious?”

“I found him out back, sittin’ on the ground. I just walked up to him, grabbed him by the shirt, and planted my fist in his face. I think I literally saw
red.
” Sucking in another deep breath, he continued, “Sheri had to drive him to the hospital. There was a lot of blood.”

“Oh, man,” I whispered.

“I was ready to kill him. I never believed he’d stab me in the back like that. I don’t know just what it was he was hopin’ would happen by tellin’ you somethin’ like that.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. “Does this mean…”
Oh, man, my heart will positively break if—

“Does this mean what?”

“NOLA’s Junk…”

“What about it?”

“It’s not…
done
…is it?” I whispered at the horror.

“No. But he’s fuckin’ lucky we’re not holdin’ auditions for a new guitarist, the shit.”

“Do you think he’ll quit?” I asked.

“Hell no. It’s not like it’s the first time the band has come to blows like this. Shit, he and X punch each other in the face at least once a week.”

“Yeah, but do they
break
each other’s faces?”

“It was one punch!” he retorted hotly.

“Uh, yeah! That’s all it would take from
your
fist!”

“I don’t give a shit. He deserved it. He deserved worse, in my opinion.”

“What happened after that?”

“Well, the guys and my dad pulled me off of him, and after Sheri told me to wash off the blood, X drove me over here with his sister and that creepy friend of hers. I think I scared the shit out of them, too.”

“Ah, well…maybe they’ll think twice about crushing on metal gods from now on. If we could all be so lucky,” I joked.

Pulling his arm out from under me, he rose up on his elbow and turned my face toward his. I could see in his eyes that he’d been crying. Knowing that left my heart aching. His hand cradled my face, his thumb stroking the side of my mouth.

Such expressive eyes
, I thought.
There’s true power in them that allows him to peer straight into my thoughts, my soul.

I could
feel
him searching around in there.

Kissing me with such tenderness, he whispered against my lips, “I want to make love to you.”

Drawing in a sharp breath, I told him, “I’d love that.”

Pushing himself up, he shifted me onto my back. He stretched over me and pushed as deep as he could. Sliding his arms beneath my shoulders, his hands smoothed up my neck, and he threaded his fingers through my hair, holding me in a way so that he could feel all of me without crushing me. His mouth moved over mine as he started to thrust, long and slow. Sweetly, his tongue played with mine, lazy and wonderful.

“Fuckin’ heaven.” He sighed.

“When do you start work tomorrow?”

I glanced at my clock, seeing that it was just before eleven.

“I don’t,” I replied, my fingertips caressing down over his chest. Lying on my side, my body curved into his with one leg draped over a powerful thigh, I had my ear pressed against his shoulder. “I was going to surprise you in the morning but whatever. The Center is being tented for termites. We don’t have work until next Monday.”

“Seriously?”

I heard the smile in his voice.

“Mmhmm.”

“Wanna head back to my place?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m afraid of Alys comin’ in durin’ the middle of the night and killin’ me herself.”

I laughed with that confession. “Yeah. But that’s only if you hurt me.”

He stroked his thumb over my lips. “I
did
hurt you.”

I sighed and shrugged. “I think she meant, like, if you hit me or something.”

“I’d
never
touch you like that, Baby Girl.”

“I never thought you would.”

Sitting up, I stretched before hopping out of bed and pulling on some clothes. Phil lay there, watching me for a few minutes, before reaching over and picking up the T-shirt I had been wearing.

Turning it right side out, he looked at it with a faint smile. “This is fuckin’ old.”

“I got it at the music festival eight years ago.”

“I love that you have it.”

“It was the first time I saw you,” I told him, smiling with the thought. “Well, in living memory, that is.”

His eyes were positively sparkling as he gazed into mine. “It’s really too bad that you don’t remember.”