Outview (20 page)

“Dustin, could you tell me who Luce is?”

“Sure, Mr. Jim.” Laughter from the other
students.

“Hold on, funny man, my name is
not
Mr. Jim.”

“I know. And mine’s not Dustin.”

“It’s not?” He looked at his attendance
book. “You are correct, Nathan, isn’t that unusual? Now see if you can tell me
who Luce is.”

“Luce is a friend of Holden’s. They talk a
lot about girls. Holden thinks Luce is cool. And Luce told him to get a
girlfriend.”

“Where did they meet?”

“In a bar.”

“I see you have read an online summary of
the book, Mr. Ryder. I frown on that. I consider it cheating.”

“I didn’t read an online summary.”

“Cliff Notes, then.”

“No. Ask me any question you want.” He
asked me thirty-seven questions until the bell rang ending class, each one
answered correctly.

“Nice to see you finally read a book, Mr.
Ryder. I’m not surprised
Catcher in the Rye
appealed to you. We’ll see
how well you do with Shakespeare. Class dismissed.”

Amber found me at lunch. “Are we going to
sleep together again tonight?” she whispered.

“The scandals if anyone heard what you just
said,” I teased. “I might just start the rumor myself.” I could hear Kyle
saying it now in a falsetto.

“I’ll just deny it, and who do you think
they’re going to believe?” She laughed.

My French teacher called on me and asked in
French if I’d done my homework.

“Oui,” I answered.

“Très bon. S'il vous plaît dites-moi
quelle est ta couleur préférée?” she asked.

“J'aime la couleur grise,’” I answered. She
was quite surprised.

“Quels aliments que vous aimez?”

“J'aime la pizza et des frites françaises
et des tasses de beurre d'arachide, mais seulement pour le petit déjeuner.”

She laughed. We talked like that back and
forth for five minutes. Several students started clapping. When they settled
down, she called on someone else and we got back to a normal class. At the end
of the period she asked me to stay.

“Cela était tout à fait une
démonstration de la fluidité. Comment avez-vous fait cela, Nathan?”

“Vraiment, c'est pas une grosse affaire que
je viens de passer beaucoup de temps avec ce livre,” I said.

She gave me a disbelieving look but then
said in French that she might have to transfer me to French IV.

Kyle was waiting in the hall. “Do you
really think that was a good idea?”

“Probably not, but it sure was a lot of
fun.”

Linh ran up to us. “There’s a black SUV
with government plates out front, and I just saw some guy wearing a suit go
into Little’s office.”

“That can’t be good. I’ll cut my last class
and get out of here. I’ll see you guys later at the Station. Make sure you
aren’t followed.” But as I shut my locker, I realized they could find me
anywhere. If I’d known I was never going to return to Ashland High School again,
I would have said goodbye to my history teacher, Mr. Anderson.

29

Before going into the restaurant, I went
behind the building and tried Vising to read a large tree that was across from
the loading dock. If I could just see what happened the day my dad died. Instead,
I saw him several times, but all were weeks or months before his death. I headed
in to see Mom.

“Hey Nate,” Josh said, looking up from his
paperwork. “Out of school a little early?”

“Yeah, I blew off gym.”

“I don’t blame you.” He laughed. “Your mom
should be here any time now.”

I asked to see the plans for changing the
kitchen. Afterward he showed me some photos from a recent trip to the Southwest.
Josh gave me my first camera for my ninth birthday. Mom thought I’d break it--being
tough on toys was a habit--but that digital camera woke me up to the details of
the world. I took hundreds of shots a day. Eventually the shutter button wore out,
but by then I was hooked. Josh helped me start selling my early photos. I think
he and Dad actually bought the first twenty or so, but they told me strangers
did.

When Mom showed up, Josh excused himself.
“How was your trip?” she asked, putting down her briefcase and water bottle.

“I saw Dustin this weekend.”

“You what?” she gasped. “How did you find
out where he was?”

“It wasn’t hard. You should have taken me
to see him a long time ago.”

“Nate, I don’t like you being dishonest
with me.”

“Don’t you think not letting me see my
brother for more than two years qualifies as dishonest? Maybe even cruel and
unusual.”

“I don’t have to defend my decisions to
you. I’ve done what is best for both of you.”

That was highly debatable, but it wasn’t
going well and I needed to stay calm. “That doesn’t matter anymore. All that’s
important is getting Dustin out.”

“He’s not ready.”

“That’s a lie. I talked to him. He’s
perfectly fine. You’re just trying to lock your problems away.”

“How dare you, Nathan! If your father was
alive, you would never speak to me this way.”

“If my father was alive, Dustin would not
be wasting away in an asylum.”

“That’s not fair.” Her voice shaking,
“Dustin’s a mess. If he gets out of there he’ll start using drugs and end up
trying to kill himself again.”

“So it makes more sense for him to choose
the drugs he wants instead of the poison they give him? Better to kill himself
than let those stupid doctors do it.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Everything isn’t so simple. If you think he’s fine that’s because of what
Mountain View has done for him. He has complex problems, brain disorders,
addictions, serious issues. We’re not equipped to handle that, I’m hardly ever
home as it is.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“That’s a cheap shot, Nate.”

“I don’t even want to get into that.”

She wiped tears from her eyes. “I’ve really
tried to do a decent job with you boys. It’s not easy. I’m sorry if you think
I’m no good.”

“If you’re really sorry, then get him out
of there. What kind of mother lets her son be tortured?” I tried to soften my
tone.

“They’re not doing electric shock therapy
on him.”

“Not with electricity, but the chemicals
are doing the same thing. Don’t you think it’s hypocritical that you eat
organic food because you don’t want chemicals and pesticides in your body but
you let them do that to him?”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“Tell me how it’s different. I mean, Mom,
you don’t even use nonorganic here at the Station. But then, we all know your
precious restaurant is more important to you than your kids.”

“Nathan, you’re so far over the line I
don’t even know how to talk to you anymore. What happened to my sweet little
boy? When did you get so angry?”

“When I got old enough to realize you’re
screwing up my life.”

She just looked at me. There was a long
silence. So much for me remaining cool. I think she glanced at the picture of
my father on her desk. When she began to speak there were fresh tears in her
eyes, but her voice was calm and gentle, “Nate, what’s going on?”

“I want Dustin out of that place.”

“I know, but what else is going on?”

“You mean, am I on drugs, going insane, a
serial killer? You sound just like Mrs. Little.”

“That’s not what I asked. Please, just talk
to me.” She walked around her desk and sat in the chair next to me. “You can
trust me.”

“Trust is earned Mom. You can’t expect me
to trust you after what you did to Dustin.”

“You were twelve when Dad died and fourteen
when Dustin was committed. You don’t know everything that was going on. If I hadn’t
committed Dustin, he’d be dead now. That much I know for sure.”

“What if you’re being sure isn’t enough?
What if there’s another way? He’s older, I’m older, you are, too. Let’s bring
him home and try.”

“I can’t handle it, Nate. I’ll screw it up,
and Dustin will be worse off than ever.”

“Fine, he can stay with Aunt Rose.”

“Oh, Jesus, Nate. Your Aunt Rose is loony
tunes. She and Dustin will wind up as some tragic tabloid story if I let that
happen.”

“Nothing can be as awful than where he is
now. Just let him try. Give it a week. Take it a day at a time. You owe him a
chance.”

“I know.” I could barely hear her response.

“I’m begging you, Mom. I need my brother--we
need each other.”

Another long silence. “Okay, Nate, I
guess.” Defeated, she went on. “I could sign him out for a temporary home visit
and see how it goes.” Her eyes were strained, tired.

We hugged for the first time since Dustin
went away. She agreed that I could go with her to get him first thing in the
morning. “We need the talking time,” she said.

We were going to get Dustin! I couldn’t
wait to see the look on his face when we showed up to bring him home.

“I’m going to stay at Kyle’s tonight. We’re
working on a research project, and because I’ll be missing school tomorrow, we
need to get ahead.”

“Okay, can he drop you here on his way to
school? I have a couple of things in the morning, real quick before we leave.”
That was perfect because I couldn’t go near the house with the Lightyear guys
out there, and I was looking forward to another night with Amber.

I was out of clean clothes from the trip
and didn’t want to wash them at Amber’s, so walked to the “Suds and Save,” a
couple of blocks toward campus. A few college kids and some old ladies were the
only ones in the place so it seemed safe. I pulled the weekend’s clothes from
my backpack and got the wash going.

“Nathan, I thought I might find you here,”
an old Spanish lady said to me.

“Not again,” I said out loud, certain I’d
never seen this woman before in my life.

“In this life, no,” she said, reading my
thoughts. “But we’ve known each other many times, you and I.”

“Are you one of my guides?” I asked, trying
to move farther away so no one would hear.

“You are so young this time. I have
traveled a long way to see you.”

“Where did you come from?”

“There are many stories from our past that
you should know about. There is danger for you soon, no time today.”

“What danger? Do you know specifics?”

“It was on a ship the first time we met.
And do you know that seven or nine lifetimes we knew each other in between, and
then, the last time I saw you, on a ship again. Isn’t that something?”

“It would be interesting if I knew what you
were talking about, and I don’t want to be rude. I mean I don’t know if we were
married or brothers or maybe you were my mother. But that’s just it, I don’t
remember. So, I’m sorry, but I’m pretty stressed right now and then you show up
and you know me and maybe you could help. But you aren’t answering my questions.”

“It feels different. But you know I’ve been
needing to see you since before you were born this time. More than twenty years
ago I started the search to clear the karma. It wasn’t just for me, but because
of what happened, Ignacio has suffered.”

“Just tell me what you’re talking about,” I
begged.

“You know, I could have come last year, but
you would have just thought me a crazy old woman, and so I waited.”

“You are a crazy old woman.” I laughed.
“What do you want?”

“Forgiveness.”

“For what?”

She just stared, deep and sorrowful.

“Yes. I forgive you everything,” I said.

“I wish it were that simple, but you must
know the stories. You must understand where it began and the last ending. When
you remember all of that, the agony of it, the rage,” she steadied herself
against a dryer, “that is when you can decide if you will forgive or not.”

“Look, um, what’s your name?”

“I am Amparo.”

“Amparo?” I looked at her. “You’re the one
who told Kyle about meeting Spencer?” The dryer whirred.

“Yes,” she stared long at me. “A very small
favor to help you.”

The implications of her being the same
person who helped Spencer contact us multiplied beyond what I could handle. The
dryer stopped.

“Okay, thanks. But listen, you really don’t
know me. If whatever you’re talking about happened in another lifetime, then
I’m over it, okay? Really, you could have cut my head off with a butter knife,
and I wouldn’t hold it against you anymore, okay? I don’t hold grudges. You’re
all right, really, it’s over.”

She smiled one of those wise, all-knowing
smiles that only old people are able to pull off. “You are young.” She put a finger
to my cheek. “I will wait. But you and I may yet have little time. Karma is
forever.”