Outtakes Of A Walking Mistake (29 page)

“Don’t....”

“Don’t what? I miss you.”

“I know about you and Eric.”

Gasping, Billy takes a step back, glancing at his followers who dance like fools to the Latin DJ spinning vinyl records on a turntable in the corner. Having returned from the bathroom, Ashley, dressed like a princess, calls Billy to the dance floor with her index finger. He signals her to wait.

“Did Eric tell you everything?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” I reply, still hoping Eric made up the story. “What is everything?”

Looking down, he stalls for an answer as the DJ directs everyone to jump around. My heart complies, leaping from my chest. “I don’t want to hurt you,” Billy mutters.

“You said…” I begin. Momentarily, my throat closes. “You said you’d never even kissed a boy. How could you lie?”

“No, that was the truth. Eric never cared about kissing. When we met online he said he wanted to kiss but he only wanted....”

“What?”

“More.”

“And you agreed?”

Distressed, Billy covers his face with his hand.

I feel my heart explode. In my mind, I immediately rewind and erase the image of Eric forcing himself on Billy. It’s strange. Though hearing the truth satisfies me, it equally angers me to think of Billy in pain. “Let’s drop it. This is stupid. I don’t want to spoil your night,” I tell him.

“No, I should have told you.”

“Forget it. It’s over.”

“I want to fix it. How can I fix it?” He removes his hand from his face, and surprise, I see he’s crying. “What do you want from me?” he asks. “Say it. Anything.”

“Well...” I linger.

“What? Say it.”

“You could ask me to dance.”

I don’t know why I’m being so honest. I guess that every fairy in this world wants the fairy tale and I’m no different. Movies taught me love sits in a waiting room until the moment before the credits roll. And right now, I feel the end is in sight.

I should cut the scene right here and let you believe that Billy says yes, but that would be unfair. You see, Billy’s green eyes shine like gold when I request to dance but I sense reservation. His body stiffens and he looks to me for guidance like he needs me to tell him it’s ok to say no. So I give him that. I tell him maybe another time.

To love properly is to put your lover’s needs before your own. That’s what dad’s love for mom taught me. For Billy, being gay is a gift better left wrapped. So for now, I leave him with his little secret even though it tortures me to know I may never feast on his riches.

“One day you’ll be ready,” I tell him. Granting him farewell, I kiss him on the cheek. “But I can’t wait forever.”

“Wait. Hold on. Where are you going?” he calls.

Still, it’s too late. With a sparkle in my eye and a lump in my throat I leave him and the punch bowl behind. I can’t look back. I’m worthy of being loved in front of my peers. I deserve to be led in a dance. Tonight, I must lead myself. So inhaling deeply, I force my way on the dance floor, pushing my way past a sea of tangled bodies. In the distance, I hear Jenny’s bell and find Kim dressed like a silver-sequined mermaid, sandwiched by two sweaty boys. Noticing me, Kim waves for me to join, and though I wave back, I stay alone, knowing tonight, I must pave my own road to happiness.

This is my truth.

The shaking of my butt can never compare to the shaking of my heart. I have no idea what I’m doing or why I’m doing it…ever. I’m scared as hell of being alone but even more frightened of having anyone know it. So with the spotlight shining above my head, I force myself to dance, waiting for the day when a boy won’t edit me out for fear of public approval. I can’t settle for less. I won’t settle for less. And someday, I’ll find him, my true love. It might even happen tonight, I think. And that’s when I feel someone grab my hand from behind.

The end.