Outpost (7 page)

“You’re … not with him?” His hesitation irritated me, as I’d never once lied to him. When we were stranded in the wilderness and I was dreaming of Silk, who told me to keep the fire burning, I didn’t tell Fade why because he’d have thought I was crazy, but I never lied.

“We’re friends.”

“He doesn’t kiss you?”

Just one time in the woods when he caught me by surprise
. Since then, I’d gotten better at heading Stalker off, forcing him to train with me and nothing else. His kiss hadn’t melted me like Fade’s did, either. Part of me wished they’d both stop with the Breeder nonsense and focus on more important business, but the rest of me wanted to be close to Fade. His arm felt good around my shoulders, as I recalled.

Before I could answer, he cupped my cheek in his palm, dark eyes searching mine. Apparently satisfied by what he saw, he leaned his brow against my head. My heart gave a treacherous thump at his nearness. It was late afternoon, sunny and bright, which meant anyone could happen on us. Though the rules weren’t strict here, I might get in trouble for sitting so close and letting him touch me, but I didn’t care.

“I missed you.” I didn’t mean to tell him so, even if it was true. Admitting need felt like weakness; it demonstrated dependence and vulnerability.

But when he lifted his head, his dark eyes shone brighter than I’d ever seen, like he held stars inside. “It’s been awful without you, but I thought you chose him. I was determined to respect your decision.”

“He’s a friend,” I said again. “But he’s not you.”

“Here, it’s not like it was down below,” he murmured. “There’s no shame.”

“In what?”

“This.”

His kiss didn’t surprise me. My response did. Delight surged from the moment his lips touched mine, and I pressed close, wanting to crawl out of my skin and into his. Fade wrapped his arms around me as if he felt the same, his whole body trembling. Such strong feelings terrified and elated me simultaneously. These sensations were the reason for the noises I’d heard down in the enclave, Breeders huffing and moaning as they made a new life. Before, I always imagined it was an unpleasant chore, like patrolling the back ways, and you put up with the process in order to achieve the desired result. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

When I pulled free, my heart beat furiously in my ears and I couldn’t catch my breath. Wonderingly, I touched my fingers to my lips.

I breathed, “That’s
dangerous
. How long have you known?”

“Known what?”

“That it could be so … so…” Words failed me.

“Good?” he suggested, but it was a pale description. Yet I lacked a better one, so I just nodded, and he replied, “Since the first time I kissed you.”

I remembered the occasion vividly; I’d towed him out of the throng after he won the festival challenge—to keep him from losing control and attacking the congratulatory crowd. Afterward, he caught his breath while I watched over him.

“I never had a partner pay this much attention to me before.”

That made me feel I’d overstepped. He’d had two before me, so he knew better than I did what constituted normal behavior. Maybe I watched him
too
closely. It was unsuitable, and Silk would demote me to Breeder if she ever found out.

“I should get back,” I muttered.

“Not yet.” In an unspeakable liberty, he snatched the tie from my hair, so it spilled around my face.

“Why did you do that?” My breath caught when he brushed the strands around my face just so. Touching me. We were on shaky ground here. If someone saw us—

“I wanted to see what you’d look like.”

Back off,
I told myself.
Walk away now.
Instead I froze, gazing up into his impossibly dark eyes.

He bent his head and brushed my lips with his. His hair spilled against my forehead, sleek and startling. Shock held me immobile, shock—and something else. Part of me wanted to lean into him. I shouldn’t want that. A Huntress wouldn’t. Shame, confusion, and longing warred for dominance. Against my better judgment, I let my brow graze his jaw, just a whisper of heat, wrapped around me like a pair of arms. And then I drew back.

Even then, he had opened forbidden doors in my head, making me want things no Huntress could ever have. But Fade intrigued me with the reply, and I had to ask, “So you felt … glowy about me, even then?”

“‘Glowy.’” He repeated the word with an amusement that I should have found embarrassing. “That works. And yes. I have for the longest time.”

His surety summoned such warmth, as if I’d kindled a campfire in my belly, bright enough to banish the long weeks of doubt and confusion. He laced his fingers through mine and settled our joined hands on his knee, but he didn’t attempt anything more. Just as well. I wasn’t ready; but no wonder Momma Oaks was concerned. If all the girls Topside knew this about kissing, they probably had to worry about new brats popping up all over the place.

“It’s normal to enjoy being close,” I said, trying the idea out.

“I think so. Not that I’m an expert. I don’t feel this way about everyone.”

My brows went down. “I should hope not.”

This,
I thought.
He was afraid I had this with Stalker.
I was just figuring out this was what the other boy wanted from me, only of my own free will. Not as a nasty chore forced on me. I had no doubt he’d bred to keep the Wolf population up, but it couldn’t have felt like this.

“I don’t want this to be a secret thing,” he said then. “People should know.”

“What?”

“That you’re mine.”

I bristled a little at hearing it phrased that way. “Fade. This doesn’t change anything. I still belong to myself, and while I choose to share this with you, it doesn’t mean you own me.”

“I’m not saying I do.” His voice rang with frustration, like there was some crucial, hidden component between us I couldn’t grasp.

“What are you saying, then?” I bet the girls at school with ribbons in their hair didn’t struggle with such confusion.

“That I have the right to kiss you … and nobody else does.”

Finally.
I could agree to that. It would mean making my new status clear to Stalker, which might not go well. In hindsight, I felt pretty sure he wanted those rights himself. I’d feared Fade preferred Tegan, but maybe he’d sought her company because she was a familiar face, much the way I’d gone with Stalker. Everything seemed much more complicated now.

It also brought to mind a question. “When you asked if I would still choose you as my partner, is this what you wanted? Exclusive kissing rights?”

He ducked his head, a touch of color on his cheeks. “Yes.”

“Then why didn’t you just say so?”

“I was afraid you’d say no.”

That, I understood. Hadn’t I been terrified of seeking him out? He had a unique ability to climb inside and twist my heart. Maybe I had that power over him too. Stunning thought.

“I would never hurt you on purpose,” I said. And relief flickered in his face, so I knew I was right. I went on, “If you don’t tell me what’s on your mind, I can’t guess. Remember … I’m not smart about this kind of thing. Fighting—or training—is all I’ve ever known.”

He touched my cheek. “We’ll figure it out together.”

My heart lightened. This Topside exile might be bearable after all, if I could fight during the day and enjoy Fade’s kisses when we weren’t working. I was glad I’d chosen to invite him into our patrol. It would have hurt him if he’d discovered I was out with Stalker, and I hadn’t talked to him about it. He’d have seen it as another instance of me choosing the other boy over him, instead of the truth, which was that Stalker made himself more available—and he came looking for me.

But now I understood why. I had to be more careful. Welcoming him into my room—and talking about running away together—had probably given Stalker ideas about my intentions … and my feelings for him. I sighed faintly. The conversation where I explained the mistake didn’t seem likely to go well.

“What’s wrong?”

This was one burden I couldn’t share. I had made the mess through my lack of understanding about how males and females related to one another, so I’d clean it up. But, really, where would I have learned? Certainly not down below, where I was a Huntress. Silk would have stabbed me if she’d caught me wondering about my
feelings
. Such weakness was limited to Breeders and rightly so.

I sighed. “I’m just sorry we spent two months apart.”

“Well, I was done chasing you,” he muttered. “I made it clear how I felt the night Longshot found us.”

If he had, I didn’t recall. I’d been feverish and terrified Tegan would die. Everything besides that vivid dream of Silk telling me to keep the fire burning was a blur. I did recollect lying in his arms, I thought, with our friend stretched across our laps, but I didn’t know that meant anything special.

“I don’t know what you said that night,” I admitted. “But you’re the most important person in my life. You’re all I have left.”

That was the wrong thing to say. His long fingers unfurled from mine. “So this is because I remind you of a life you liked better?”

“No.”
I made the denial instinctively, but I had to be honest. “I do miss my life, Fade, but isn’t that normal? I lived there for fifteen years. They were my friends and family, my whole world. I’m still trying to figure out how I fit in Topside … and the summer patrol will help.”

“I don’t know if you can understand, but I haven’t had anybody who cared about me, just because I’m me, since my dad died. Everybody else wanted something from me, but it wasn’t personal. I
need
it to be personal with you.”

“It is,” I promised.

Fade put his arms around me then and held me with desperate strength. My heart raced.
He needs you
, I thought.
Don’t let him down.

I couldn’t remember ever being so happy … or so scared.

Patrol

The following week passed quickly.

When I wasn’t working for my foster mother, I took shooting lessons. I didn’t have a rifle of my own, but if a teammate fell, I should know what to do with his weapon. Though I lacked experience, natural aptitude with armaments stood me in good stead. Practice would make me better yet.

Not surprisingly, at first, Momma Oaks was unhappy with my inclusion in Longshot’s squad. She tried to talk me out of it, lecturing, “There are certain rules to be respected here, Deuce, man’s work and woman’s work. Salvation has functioned successfully on these principles for a hundred years.”

“I’m not from Salvation,” I told her.

But she was just getting warmed up. “You’re a citizen, though, and that means learning our ways. Women tend crops, spin cloth, sew clothing, prepare food—”

“But I’m not good at any of that,” I interrupted. “You say there’s a divine being in charge of the world, right?”

Her look grew uneasy. “Yes, but—”

“Then why did he let me learn to fight and get good at it, if that goes against his rules?”

“Mercy,” she said on a sigh. “Don’t let anyone else hear you say that. That’s perilously close to heresy.” I didn’t know what that was, so I kept quiet. Momma Oaks went on, “If you do this, there may be consequences. People might be … unpleasant over it.”

“Will they give you and Edmund a hard time?”

She squared her shoulders. “They might. But don’t worry about us. We’ve suffered worse. Do what pleases you best, even if it sets tongues to wagging.”

As I hadn’t expected even that much support, I gave her a real smile. “Thanks, Momma Oaks.”

My foster father didn’t share her point of view. So supper was a subdued meal, and I heard Momma Oaks quarreling with Edmund after I went to bed. He seemed inclined to forbid my participation in the summer patrol, and she argued, saying such a course would drive me away, as it had Rex.

I knew there was a reason the son didn’t visit.
But that still wasn’t my affair.

Sleep came quickly—and if I had the nightmare, I didn’t remember when I woke. I rose early the next morning, dressed in fighting clothes—trousers and tunic—then ate bread and jam while Edmund snored. After breakfast, I washed up and braided my hair. A few minutes later, I slipped out of the house without waking either of my foster parents and hurried through Salvation.

Before dawn, I met the rest of the team at the barracks, as Longshot had requested. Fade and Stalker were already there, waiting with poorly concealed impatience, whether for me, or to see some action, I couldn’t be sure. I had chosen to lock my window this past week, and Stalker must be wondering why, but I’d opted not to deal with that situation before we started our new job. It seemed best not to meddle with the balance—or maybe I was just being a coward. I had to balance the weight carefully so I didn’t crack.

Fade didn’t try to touch me, despite our new understanding, and I was grateful. I didn’t want the other guards to think of me like that. To that end, I’d left off the woman’s attire; instead, choosing what I’d worn for patrols down below. The men nudged one another, and I swallowed a sigh. The ridiculous restrictions on being female threatened to choke me.

Fortunately, our leader had no interest in my pants. Longshot was already giving orders in his laconic style. “We’ll meet the planters at the front gate and serve as escort out to the fields. Once there, we break into squads of four. One will remain with the workers at all times. The others will patrol.”

“Will we switch off?” one of the guards asked.

It was a smart-enough question that I forgave him for being amazed to see a girl in trousers.

Longshot nodded. “We’ll rotate, so nobody gets bored and comfortable.”

A wise precaution, I thought. If a team watched the planters poking seeds in the ground for too long, it could lead to complacency. And this was an important task. Without a successful growing season, there would be little food for the winter. Slaughtering domesticated beasts could only take the town so far—and I was more aware of the need for proper nutrition than most. It had been one of the immutable laws down below; we ate a certain amount of this or that, or we paid the price with weak, sickly bodies, sooner than the wasting required.