Outing of the Heart (80 page)
Read Outing of the Heart Online
Authors: Lisa Ann Harper
âHere you are my Sunshine. Your coffee, just as you like it ⦠and no sugar âcause you're already sweet enough.' It was a hackneyed saying, but their mutual beguilement was intoxicating. She beamed down into Tenille's eyes, brimming with wellbeing and contentment. How she filled up her empty spaces. Her true and most intimate self was centred with her.
Taking the mug, Tenille asked, with a sudden change of mood: âSid, did you know they say the gods are jealous when they see people enjoying too much happiness?' Her eyes, no longer sparkling, held hers.
âDo you mean us, darling? And that now we're in for a crash?' Sidonie squatted down beside her chair.
âIt's said they will find punishments for those who glory in their love. Are you not a little afraid?' she pressed, impelled by fear.
âThat something will happen to make us unhappy?' she raised her eyebrows in enquiry. âNo..o. I'm not afraid. If I were to be afraid, I wouldn't venture into the world to take my chances.' She looked serious. âSo long as you have no regrets, then take courage in both hands; be prepared to meet what lies ahead. Don't go thinking bad thoughts, Precious. There's nothing hovering anywhere near our horizon to mar our contentment.' She stopped suddenly, her brows narrowing, then asked sharply: âYou're not having second thoughts, are you?' her ice blue eyes drilling into her.
Tenille stroked her soft, blonde hair, reflecting light, like so many laser beams, in the glow from the bedside lamp. âNo, I've no second thoughts, my love,' she murmured gently. âI did a lot of thinking back there in Lindsay. I don't need to think more. I need to live ⦠and especially no regrets.' She paused for a moment and took another sip from her cup. âExcept perhaps, that I've wasted time by not meeting you sooner, but then, you would have been too young and I'd not have looked at you in that special way.' She bent down and gave that precious, golden head, alive with a fiery light, a rain of soft kisses.
âThat special way,' Sidonie repeated slowly, savoring each word, and the moment. âThat's true too, Ten. We met each other when the time was right for us.' She kissed Tenille's gently rounded softness through her cotton shirt, then continued. âEarlier would have been too soon ⦠later, well we'd be different people again, with different life experiences and then it could be too late.' She drew in a deep breath and lifted herself to the arm of the chair. âNo, as things stand, I believe everything has been perfect in its timing. Just as you are perfect.' Now she was overflowing with rapture, unable to contain herself. She jumped up to encircle her arms about Tenille and plant a smacking kiss on her.
âGet your gear together, woman. I'm taking you out for dinner.'
She took off to get her own coffee. âWhat do you need for tonight â dress, pants? I'll get them for you.' Tenille laughed. Sidonie was in that mood she found so infectious. Oh, she was so good for her. Her heart's desire.
âA skirt, Honey. Otherwise it's shorts. Pants are too difficult to get over my cast.'
â0..kay, which one?' She stood in front of the closet and swished hangers along the rail, inspecting the clothes. The selection was not great. As Tenille watched she suddenly said: âThat one. No, back one.' Sidonie had moved too fast. It was a full black skirt, three quarter length with little purple flowers over it. They sprouted small, turquoise leaves.
âOh, very nice,' she admired. âNow tops. You keep them â¦?' Tenille indicated the middle drawer of the chest. âWhat color are you after?'
âAs to that,' she responded, âI'll have to look myself. I need to refresh my memory as to what all I have.'
âNow here am I â¦' she stood with hands on her hips, â â¦trying to save you effort and you're going to get up anyway,' she grumbled in mock annoyance.
âI'm not an invalid, Sid,' she objected: âI just have to do a lot of hopping that's all.'
âOh, I know Babe, but I like being of assistance.' She turned from the chest and smiled back. âJust being in a position to help you makes me feel good.' Adoration shone from her young face.
The two women stood side by side, looking at the spilled contents, happy in their close proximity. Tops were to one side, winter sweaters the other. They chose together, selecting a purple, cotton shell featuring three, thin straps over each shoulder. This meant Tenille wouldn't wear a bra and they both liked that.
âI've been having baths at mom's so I was able to keep my leg up on the side of the bathtub. In a shower I have to use a plastic bag. Can you get me one Sid? and I'll go clean up.'
âSure thing.'
âThere, in the bottom drawer. Yes, there.'
She brought the bag over. âHow do you keep it on?'
âI just screw the open end up tight and tuck it into the top of the cast,' she explained.
âDo you remember when you used to itch inside there? It was driving you mad at one time?'
âYes, I do,' the reply came with feeling. âThank goodness that stage is over. I wasn't very easy in those days, was I?' she admitted.
âNo problem to me. It was worse for you. Now can you manage all right? Do you need anything more?'
âNo, this is fine. I'm set.'
âOK then. While you're showering, I'll just nip out and get my tote bag. I'd like to freshen up too. I've got a change of shirts, which I'd meant to do earlier. Never mind, now is fine.'
On her return, Tenille was out of the shower and cleaning her teeth. âAll yours,' she mumbled through the foam.
âGood. I'll be quick. I'll have to stop off at the beer store to pick up a six-pack, so we should make tracks soon.'
Tenille rinsed her mouth, then just clutching the towel to her, hopped out the bathroom and over to the bedside. Sid stopped and watched, admiring the curves and her naturalness, straight from the shower â just as nature made her. She went into the bathroom to change, feeling too shy to strip in the room. Their moments of intimacy had been too scattered for her to have built up an easy way of being. When she emerged again, she was dressed in her denim shirt, looking wholesomely fresh.
“So brimming with life and vitality,”
thought Tenille, whilst she, in comparison seemed like a dotty senior plodding along. Ah well, she sighed, it would change.
âHow lovely you look,' Sidonie told her, biting her lower lip; trying to fight the sudden rush of emotion. She had felt the pull of her. Tenille smiled, as much to herself as the girl. She had just been indulging in a bout of self-commiseration. Obviously Sid didn't see what she saw.
âThank you, darling,' she replied graciously. âI think you look pretty terrific yourself.' The denim brought out the intensity of her cobalt eyes, the reflected sparkle almost metallic.
âWell, now that we've established ourselves as a mutual admiration society,' Sidonie laughed: âI think we should split. Thea and Reine are flexible over time, but I don't want to hold them up and it is past seven.'
âAll right. I'm ready. Just have to grab the crutches and turn out the lights.'
âI'll do that. You head for the door.'
The beer store was south of Bloor, on Spadina, easy to make before closing. By half past, they were buzzing to pass through security.
âTenille. How lovely to see you.' Thea kissed her in greeting. âCome in. Come in. Reine will be out directly.' She gave a loud holler just to speed her up. When she appeared she was looking sharp in a freshly ironed yellow blouse, sporting the collar with the points up. She had teamed this with duck pants and braided Brazilian sandals. She carried her bulk well and, although large, there was no doubt she was getting fitter.
They made a handsome couple in their contrasting styles. Thea had that mother-earth appearance which attracted nascent Lesbians who couldn't turn to their own mother for guidance. In her they found the support and empathy they so desperately craved. She volunteered at a gay youth, drop-in centre at #519. She loved this work and willingly attended extra meetings when required. It was a natural extension of her mothering instincts, unable to indulge them on children of her own. Meeting Thea, Sidonie had reflected on how many different ways existed to express those innate nurturing feelings. Certainly more than being a heterosexual mother. The gay guys knew this well with their pampered pooches.
Tenille and Sidonie responded to Thea's warmth and felt a wonderful repose settling upon them as they sank into the chesterfield's cushions and gratefully accepted the offered drinks. Scully greeted Sidonie as vocally as ever and, it seemed, took to Tenille as an extension of her, demanding equal time for caresses and cuddles.
âNow tell us. How did it go this afternoon?' Thea asked, impatiently.
Tenille was happy to sit back and let Sidonie fill them in on the developments. Her mind drifted into future realms as the talk ebbed and flowed around her. She had this week to get her gear together and to square away with Mrs. S. She would have to phone her mother. Or should she write? Scully let out a protesting meow. She had involuntarily squeezed too hard.
âSorry Little One,' she apologized contritely. Writing would mean she'd not have to put up with histrionics. No, she'd better bite the bullet and phone. Tomorrow. No good having it hanging over her head, dampening her enthusiasm. Sidonie's voice intruded into her ramblings;
âIsn't that right Ten?'
âOh, sorry, I was miles away,' she responded scratchily, having momentarily lost her voice.
âI was saying you thought them nice people too,' Sidonie reiterated as she gave Scully extra caresses behind her ears. She didn't know how she felt about their landladies, but this was a good time to find out.
âWell â¦' she began, â â¦it was a very brief exchange, but they seemed nice enough. Sid thinks they're an item, but I'm not sure on that score. I think I'm, too new on the scene to be able to pick them with confidence.' She smiled at Sidonie and added: âUnless they give each other a big kiss in front of me.' They all laughed at this, pleased she felt relaxed enough to joke.
âI like to see how women interact between each other,' Thea elaborated, ârather than overt demonstrations. For example, there's a quality of checking with the partner you don't usually see between two women friends. Also, in new relationships, couples tend to look into each other's eyes for a brief span when no words are exchanged, but they are still communicating.'
âYes, of course,' acknowledged Tenille: âThat's true. You just have to be sensitive enough to pick it up.'
âOnce you're on the wavelength you'll find it often knocks you right between the eyes, it's so obvious. Women in love cannot hide their feelings. They give themselves away in many ways.' Tenille looked guiltily across at Sidonie, wondering if they'd been obvious to the world around them, when she'd been thinking no one would suspect. Thea picked up on the glance and hastened to reassure her.
âDon't worry, most people are not looking for it so the cues pass them by.' She chuckled. âThey expect all gays to be part of a stereotype anyway.'
âYeah. Like me,' interjected Reine. âBut I'm old enough not to worry or care. I have a circle of friends whom I've known for a long time and love dearly. I'm âout' at work so there's no problem there. If I invite them round we have no need to âstraighten up', as they say. What more could you ask for?' She drank deeply of her beer.
âIt's the young'uns I feel sorry for. Baby butches can experience a pretty rough time if they're not thick skinned, or until they've built up a support network. They have to meet a few like themselves. Being able to swap stories and experiences is a great help. We all hate feeling alone in the world with a guilty secret.' She drank again, still with that air of introspection. She had been speaking from the heart. âMind you, it's a lot easier now than in my day. We never had counselling centres or youth action groups when I was coming out. Also ⦠I lived in a small town. I'm from Nappanee originally. A more one-eyed, red-necked hole in the wall, you couldn't hope to find. That was those days too. It's changed now. Girls were all expected to conform to the straight ânorm'. Go out with boys, then pick one to settle down with.' She looked around at the listening faces and settled on Sidonie. âToday, if a girl wants to pursue a career, like Sid here, it's accepted as a viable alternative.' She smiled at her. âOf course, she'll see the light and come to her senses, then she'll settle down and get married.' They all joined Reine in her outburst of mirth. She continued: âIt's true, work for females when I was young was only for biding her time. Something to do while she was looking. Now the pressures on youngsters are so great, the suicide rate has increased alarmingly. But many don't know it's highest amongst those who are gay. Gay males, that is.'
The evening continued on its leisurely way. Thea served a delicious dinner; simple rack of lamb, minted peas and potatoes baked in their jackets. âNo fussing tonight,' she had declared. âI didn't want to miss anything.' Since Sidonie had to be up early for work as usual, they didn't stay late.
âWill you need help moving, Ten?' Reine asked, as they stood on the threshold.
âI think I'll be okay, thanks.'
âYes, I'll be there after lunch, Friday,' Sidonie was quick to assert. She could look after her woman. âWe'll be all set for a move on Saturday. I tell you guys, I can't wait.' She looked across at Tenille and, despite all her self-control, Tenille felt her cheeks go hot and knew the others could see it too. Starting a new life with Sidonie and all this would entail was just so overwhelming.
âBefore you disappear â¦' Thea interjected, â â¦when would you like me to pop over to help you with laundry and any other odds and ends?'
Taking the mug, Tenille asked, with a sudden change of mood: âSid, did you know they say the gods are jealous when they see people enjoying too much happiness?' Her eyes, no longer sparkling, held hers.
âDo you mean us, darling? And that now we're in for a crash?' Sidonie squatted down beside her chair.
âIt's said they will find punishments for those who glory in their love. Are you not a little afraid?' she pressed, impelled by fear.
âThat something will happen to make us unhappy?' she raised her eyebrows in enquiry. âNo..o. I'm not afraid. If I were to be afraid, I wouldn't venture into the world to take my chances.' She looked serious. âSo long as you have no regrets, then take courage in both hands; be prepared to meet what lies ahead. Don't go thinking bad thoughts, Precious. There's nothing hovering anywhere near our horizon to mar our contentment.' She stopped suddenly, her brows narrowing, then asked sharply: âYou're not having second thoughts, are you?' her ice blue eyes drilling into her.
Tenille stroked her soft, blonde hair, reflecting light, like so many laser beams, in the glow from the bedside lamp. âNo, I've no second thoughts, my love,' she murmured gently. âI did a lot of thinking back there in Lindsay. I don't need to think more. I need to live ⦠and especially no regrets.' She paused for a moment and took another sip from her cup. âExcept perhaps, that I've wasted time by not meeting you sooner, but then, you would have been too young and I'd not have looked at you in that special way.' She bent down and gave that precious, golden head, alive with a fiery light, a rain of soft kisses.
âThat special way,' Sidonie repeated slowly, savoring each word, and the moment. âThat's true too, Ten. We met each other when the time was right for us.' She kissed Tenille's gently rounded softness through her cotton shirt, then continued. âEarlier would have been too soon ⦠later, well we'd be different people again, with different life experiences and then it could be too late.' She drew in a deep breath and lifted herself to the arm of the chair. âNo, as things stand, I believe everything has been perfect in its timing. Just as you are perfect.' Now she was overflowing with rapture, unable to contain herself. She jumped up to encircle her arms about Tenille and plant a smacking kiss on her.
âGet your gear together, woman. I'm taking you out for dinner.'
She took off to get her own coffee. âWhat do you need for tonight â dress, pants? I'll get them for you.' Tenille laughed. Sidonie was in that mood she found so infectious. Oh, she was so good for her. Her heart's desire.
âA skirt, Honey. Otherwise it's shorts. Pants are too difficult to get over my cast.'
â0..kay, which one?' She stood in front of the closet and swished hangers along the rail, inspecting the clothes. The selection was not great. As Tenille watched she suddenly said: âThat one. No, back one.' Sidonie had moved too fast. It was a full black skirt, three quarter length with little purple flowers over it. They sprouted small, turquoise leaves.
âOh, very nice,' she admired. âNow tops. You keep them â¦?' Tenille indicated the middle drawer of the chest. âWhat color are you after?'
âAs to that,' she responded, âI'll have to look myself. I need to refresh my memory as to what all I have.'
âNow here am I â¦' she stood with hands on her hips, â â¦trying to save you effort and you're going to get up anyway,' she grumbled in mock annoyance.
âI'm not an invalid, Sid,' she objected: âI just have to do a lot of hopping that's all.'
âOh, I know Babe, but I like being of assistance.' She turned from the chest and smiled back. âJust being in a position to help you makes me feel good.' Adoration shone from her young face.
The two women stood side by side, looking at the spilled contents, happy in their close proximity. Tops were to one side, winter sweaters the other. They chose together, selecting a purple, cotton shell featuring three, thin straps over each shoulder. This meant Tenille wouldn't wear a bra and they both liked that.
âI've been having baths at mom's so I was able to keep my leg up on the side of the bathtub. In a shower I have to use a plastic bag. Can you get me one Sid? and I'll go clean up.'
âSure thing.'
âThere, in the bottom drawer. Yes, there.'
She brought the bag over. âHow do you keep it on?'
âI just screw the open end up tight and tuck it into the top of the cast,' she explained.
âDo you remember when you used to itch inside there? It was driving you mad at one time?'
âYes, I do,' the reply came with feeling. âThank goodness that stage is over. I wasn't very easy in those days, was I?' she admitted.
âNo problem to me. It was worse for you. Now can you manage all right? Do you need anything more?'
âNo, this is fine. I'm set.'
âOK then. While you're showering, I'll just nip out and get my tote bag. I'd like to freshen up too. I've got a change of shirts, which I'd meant to do earlier. Never mind, now is fine.'
On her return, Tenille was out of the shower and cleaning her teeth. âAll yours,' she mumbled through the foam.
âGood. I'll be quick. I'll have to stop off at the beer store to pick up a six-pack, so we should make tracks soon.'
Tenille rinsed her mouth, then just clutching the towel to her, hopped out the bathroom and over to the bedside. Sid stopped and watched, admiring the curves and her naturalness, straight from the shower â just as nature made her. She went into the bathroom to change, feeling too shy to strip in the room. Their moments of intimacy had been too scattered for her to have built up an easy way of being. When she emerged again, she was dressed in her denim shirt, looking wholesomely fresh.
“So brimming with life and vitality,”
thought Tenille, whilst she, in comparison seemed like a dotty senior plodding along. Ah well, she sighed, it would change.
âHow lovely you look,' Sidonie told her, biting her lower lip; trying to fight the sudden rush of emotion. She had felt the pull of her. Tenille smiled, as much to herself as the girl. She had just been indulging in a bout of self-commiseration. Obviously Sid didn't see what she saw.
âThank you, darling,' she replied graciously. âI think you look pretty terrific yourself.' The denim brought out the intensity of her cobalt eyes, the reflected sparkle almost metallic.
âWell, now that we've established ourselves as a mutual admiration society,' Sidonie laughed: âI think we should split. Thea and Reine are flexible over time, but I don't want to hold them up and it is past seven.'
âAll right. I'm ready. Just have to grab the crutches and turn out the lights.'
âI'll do that. You head for the door.'
The beer store was south of Bloor, on Spadina, easy to make before closing. By half past, they were buzzing to pass through security.
âTenille. How lovely to see you.' Thea kissed her in greeting. âCome in. Come in. Reine will be out directly.' She gave a loud holler just to speed her up. When she appeared she was looking sharp in a freshly ironed yellow blouse, sporting the collar with the points up. She had teamed this with duck pants and braided Brazilian sandals. She carried her bulk well and, although large, there was no doubt she was getting fitter.
They made a handsome couple in their contrasting styles. Thea had that mother-earth appearance which attracted nascent Lesbians who couldn't turn to their own mother for guidance. In her they found the support and empathy they so desperately craved. She volunteered at a gay youth, drop-in centre at #519. She loved this work and willingly attended extra meetings when required. It was a natural extension of her mothering instincts, unable to indulge them on children of her own. Meeting Thea, Sidonie had reflected on how many different ways existed to express those innate nurturing feelings. Certainly more than being a heterosexual mother. The gay guys knew this well with their pampered pooches.
Tenille and Sidonie responded to Thea's warmth and felt a wonderful repose settling upon them as they sank into the chesterfield's cushions and gratefully accepted the offered drinks. Scully greeted Sidonie as vocally as ever and, it seemed, took to Tenille as an extension of her, demanding equal time for caresses and cuddles.
âNow tell us. How did it go this afternoon?' Thea asked, impatiently.
Tenille was happy to sit back and let Sidonie fill them in on the developments. Her mind drifted into future realms as the talk ebbed and flowed around her. She had this week to get her gear together and to square away with Mrs. S. She would have to phone her mother. Or should she write? Scully let out a protesting meow. She had involuntarily squeezed too hard.
âSorry Little One,' she apologized contritely. Writing would mean she'd not have to put up with histrionics. No, she'd better bite the bullet and phone. Tomorrow. No good having it hanging over her head, dampening her enthusiasm. Sidonie's voice intruded into her ramblings;
âIsn't that right Ten?'
âOh, sorry, I was miles away,' she responded scratchily, having momentarily lost her voice.
âI was saying you thought them nice people too,' Sidonie reiterated as she gave Scully extra caresses behind her ears. She didn't know how she felt about their landladies, but this was a good time to find out.
âWell â¦' she began, â â¦it was a very brief exchange, but they seemed nice enough. Sid thinks they're an item, but I'm not sure on that score. I think I'm, too new on the scene to be able to pick them with confidence.' She smiled at Sidonie and added: âUnless they give each other a big kiss in front of me.' They all laughed at this, pleased she felt relaxed enough to joke.
âI like to see how women interact between each other,' Thea elaborated, ârather than overt demonstrations. For example, there's a quality of checking with the partner you don't usually see between two women friends. Also, in new relationships, couples tend to look into each other's eyes for a brief span when no words are exchanged, but they are still communicating.'
âYes, of course,' acknowledged Tenille: âThat's true. You just have to be sensitive enough to pick it up.'
âOnce you're on the wavelength you'll find it often knocks you right between the eyes, it's so obvious. Women in love cannot hide their feelings. They give themselves away in many ways.' Tenille looked guiltily across at Sidonie, wondering if they'd been obvious to the world around them, when she'd been thinking no one would suspect. Thea picked up on the glance and hastened to reassure her.
âDon't worry, most people are not looking for it so the cues pass them by.' She chuckled. âThey expect all gays to be part of a stereotype anyway.'
âYeah. Like me,' interjected Reine. âBut I'm old enough not to worry or care. I have a circle of friends whom I've known for a long time and love dearly. I'm âout' at work so there's no problem there. If I invite them round we have no need to âstraighten up', as they say. What more could you ask for?' She drank deeply of her beer.
âIt's the young'uns I feel sorry for. Baby butches can experience a pretty rough time if they're not thick skinned, or until they've built up a support network. They have to meet a few like themselves. Being able to swap stories and experiences is a great help. We all hate feeling alone in the world with a guilty secret.' She drank again, still with that air of introspection. She had been speaking from the heart. âMind you, it's a lot easier now than in my day. We never had counselling centres or youth action groups when I was coming out. Also ⦠I lived in a small town. I'm from Nappanee originally. A more one-eyed, red-necked hole in the wall, you couldn't hope to find. That was those days too. It's changed now. Girls were all expected to conform to the straight ânorm'. Go out with boys, then pick one to settle down with.' She looked around at the listening faces and settled on Sidonie. âToday, if a girl wants to pursue a career, like Sid here, it's accepted as a viable alternative.' She smiled at her. âOf course, she'll see the light and come to her senses, then she'll settle down and get married.' They all joined Reine in her outburst of mirth. She continued: âIt's true, work for females when I was young was only for biding her time. Something to do while she was looking. Now the pressures on youngsters are so great, the suicide rate has increased alarmingly. But many don't know it's highest amongst those who are gay. Gay males, that is.'
The evening continued on its leisurely way. Thea served a delicious dinner; simple rack of lamb, minted peas and potatoes baked in their jackets. âNo fussing tonight,' she had declared. âI didn't want to miss anything.' Since Sidonie had to be up early for work as usual, they didn't stay late.
âWill you need help moving, Ten?' Reine asked, as they stood on the threshold.
âI think I'll be okay, thanks.'
âYes, I'll be there after lunch, Friday,' Sidonie was quick to assert. She could look after her woman. âWe'll be all set for a move on Saturday. I tell you guys, I can't wait.' She looked across at Tenille and, despite all her self-control, Tenille felt her cheeks go hot and knew the others could see it too. Starting a new life with Sidonie and all this would entail was just so overwhelming.
âBefore you disappear â¦' Thea interjected, â â¦when would you like me to pop over to help you with laundry and any other odds and ends?'
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