Out There (18 page)

It broke my heart that I would never see her face again or hear her laugh or sing or talk. I wanted so badly to go back and not have left for school that day. If I had stayed…

What? It wouldn't have made a difference, I was no doctor. That almost made it hurt more, to know that I couldn't have helped her. She was alone. And I was alone too.

Katelyn would never be able to give me her words of wisdom or explain them. She would never be able to accompany me on any crazy or wild adventure I devised. She would never be able to graduate or have her children.

Her daughter. She must have died too. There was no way they could have saved a four-month-old foetus. We would never be able to raise our children together or our grandchildren, like we planned. We wouldn't grow old together or die together.

Losing her hurt so much I never thought I would make it. I imagined myself growing old in that spot on my bed in the same clothes and slowly dying there. Fading.

Did it hurt? When she died of course. Where did she go? I wondered if she was somewhere else or if she just vanished altogether. I imagined her looking at me from her new home and crying out to me,
Ava I'm OK!
But I would never hear those words. She was gone. And so was I.

The next morning I woke to voices. Light poured into my vision and I held my hand over my eyes to block it. Slowly I sat up but it only made my head hurt. My throat was dry, my eyes sore, my head ached, and my heart was broken. As I rolled out of bed, I noticed I was still wearing my jacket and shoes. I groaned and threw them across the room then slumped to the floor with my head in my hands.

Then I heard the voices again, floating up the staircase. It sounded like yelling so I quietly crept down the stairs and hovered at the top, looking down at the kitchen.

“How dare you!”

“Stop yelling at me please.”

“Don't you talk back to me!”

I walked down a couple of extra steps until I had a good view of the people standing at the counter. Mother was sitting at the table, fully dressed and groomed. She looked immaculate and back to her usual collected self. The other person was pacing around the kitchen, screaming at the top of her lungs. I saw blonde hair and my stomach lurched. It was Jennifer.

“You should have known, Donna.”

“Well, I didn't. No one could have known, she just had a problem that didn't enable her to carry children.”

“And no one realised that!?”

“Jenny, please keep your voice down, Ava's asleep.”

“Well, at least your daughter is only asleep, mine is dead!” She let out a sob.

“Jenny, please calm down and we can talk.”

“No, I will not calm down!”

I was shocked. The Jennifer Rose I knew was the sweetest woman and she would never have yelled or lost her temper. Katelyn once told me they never screamed at each other, their disagreements were always resolved quickly.

“This is all your fault!”

“How is this my fault?”

“You signed her up for this! You should've known this stupid method would never have worked.”

“It's all we've got. And it works perfectly, Katelyn just wasn't right.”

“My daughter was perfect.”

“That's not what I'm saying…”

“And now she's gone and never coming back. How could you do this to me?”

“Jenny, please…”

“I am your best friend! Correction –
was
.”

“It could have been anyone, don't take this personally.”

“Stop treating me like I'm stupid! Donna, you always think you're so much better than everyone else. Well, guess what, you're not!”

“Jenny, I never said…”

“Don't Jenny me!”

“Jennifer, I'm so dreadfully sorry for your loss. Katelyn was like a second daughter to me and I wish it weren't true, but it is.”

“Yes, well, that's just the thing. She was like a second daughter to you because you still have another. Well, Katelyn was all I had and now she's gone.” She began to cry and she placed her head in her hands.

“Jenny, you have me,” Mother said and walked over to her. “No, I don't!” She brushed her off. “How can I ever look you in the eye again after what you did?”

“Don't blame this on me, Jenny.”

“Oh, but I do.”

I leant in closer to try and hear more of what they were saying when I tripped and my foot landed hard on the step below. Their heads snapped up to look at me.

“Oh Ava,” Mother began.

“At least one of you looks like they actually cried,” said Jennifer as she snatched her purse off the counter and marched towards the door.

“Jenny, wait,” Mother said and ran after her.

“I would say I'll see you around, but I won't. Goodbye Donna,” Jennifer said. Then she turned and swiftly walked out, slamming the door behind her.

And just like that, both of the Roses had walked out of our lives.

Mother walked back into the kitchen and sat at the counter. She sighed and propped her head on her hand. I walked down the stairs, rubbing my sore ankle.

“I'm sorry, Mother,” I said and went over and hugged her tight.

“No Ava, it's not your fault at all. I'm sorry you had to see that,” she replied and held me tight back.

“I just wish it would all go away.”

“Me too Ava, me too.”

And even though my mother sounded strong as a rock, she too was broken because I knew what it was like to lose a best friend. And it definitely wasn't easy.

A few days later they held a small ceremony for Katelyn. It was called the goodbye ceremony and everyone that died got one. Only two, now three people had ever died in the community though, so I barely remembered the other ones. Everyone was gathered in the park, all sitting in rows of chairs by a small removable stage.

I walked up the aisle to try and find a seat when I saw Bri doing the same thing. She was wearing a peach dress that I recognised from Jade's birthday earlier in the year. She looked over and saw me. The two of us just stared at each other for a moment. Everything sounded so silent that I could hear the air flowing around me. Then she held up her skirt and started running over across the grass. I did the same until we met and without saying a word she wrapped her arms around me and I didn't let go of her for what felt like years.

She pulled back to look at my face. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

We stood there in silence.

“I'm sorry, Ava.”

I forced back the tears. “So am I Bri, so am I.”

“Ava! Bri!”

Both of us turned to find the voice that called us. I saw Lexi standing at the other side of the park waving at us. Jade stood beside her, staring at the ground. They started to run over to us.

“Hi,” Lexi said as she reached us. “How have you both been? I've missed you all.”

“I've missed you too, Lexi,” Bri said and gave her a quick hug, then Jade. “And you, Jade.”

Jade just nodded in response.

“How are you, Ava?” Lexi asked.

“How do you think?” I snapped.

Her smile fell and everyone went silent. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lexi fidgeting with the ruffles on her dress and poking the dirt with her shoe.

Bri stared from Lexi to me then back to Lexi with a concerned expression. “Should we go sit?”

Lexi's head remained fixed on the ground as she said, “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

The four of us manoeuvred our way awkwardly to sit in a row near the front and it pained me to think that Katelyn wasn't with us. I looked around and saw hundreds of people, our entire community, sitting in the spare white chairs to honour my dear friend's memory. Some of them looked sad, some utterly depressed, some heartbroken, some wistful, and almost all were crying.

I spotted many familiar faces and it was like being at the Election or a Liberation Day celebration. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jennifer Rose sitting alone in the front row, the only woman who had had a daughter and lost her. It was obvious that she was trying desperately to pull herself together, but it wouldn't last another moment.

“Welcome everyone.” The entire crowd looked up to see my mother speaking into the microphone at the front of the stage. “Today we are all gathered to honour a life, and one very special one at that. Katelyn Rose was a hardworking member of our community, like every one of you, but she was also more than that. Katelyn was lively, bright, funny, charming, caring, honest, sweet, generous and completely gorgeous. She was a talented musician as I'm sure you all know, a fabulous student, a creative thinker, an amazing listener, a wonderful daughter and a caring friend.” Mother nodded at me and I had to look away to keep from crying my eyes out.

“And to top it all, Katelyn Rose was one of the bravest people I have ever met. When our community called on her to take on an incredible responsibility, she didn't even hesitate to accept. She carried out her duty with pride and honour and for that we all owe her our overwhelming gratitude.

“And it was while performing her contribution to our community that she passed.” There was a stir in the crowd. “Her doctors promise that it was painless and peaceful. She is on her way to brighter things now and even though we have no right to ask any more of her, I know that she will always look down at us as our guardian. We shall miss you, Katelyn Rose.”

Several sobs erupted from the gathering of people and I saw Jennifer Rose completely doubled over with emotion. My heart ached for her and for the person that should have filled the empty seat beside me.

Mother continued, “Now I shall also announce that the Repopulation Phase will go on as planned using the same procedure.”

I gasped and threw my hand over my mouth.
But Mother knew I was next…

“I understand that many of you are probably assuming that we would alter the procedure, but after recent analysis it has been concluded that Katelyn passed due to her body being incompatible for carrying a child.”

… so was I the new experiment?

“However, no one was aware of this so there was nothing the doctors could have done to save her.”

Would they be able to save me?

“We will be conducting more thorough tests from now on but I can assure you all that Katelyn Rose had an extremely rare condition, like the one that our talented song writer Naomi Tyler passed from.”

Hearing the mention of one of Katelyn's idols made my insides bunch up and I flashed back to Katelyn singing her favourite song during the Election, her voice like honey.

“The Council will provide more details later in the week about the procedure. But now we must pause to commemorate Katelyn Rose's bravery and wonderful life.”

Mother walked to the other end of the stage and collected a tablet from the lone chair. She brought it back over to the centre of the stage. “Now the other members of the Council and I will read aloud some of the anonymous commemorations that members of our community have made about Katelyn.”

She stepped aside and a different Council member walked forward. “‘Katelyn was a charming person to talk to, I will miss her visiting my store.' ‘Katelyn Rose had an incredible take on everything and we shall miss her presence in the classroom.' ‘My heart goes out to Jennifer Rose, I am terribly sorry for your loss.' ‘Goodbye Katelyn darling. Safe travels to you.'”

The commemorations continued like that for a while, each with a different thoughtful comment on Katelyn's life. The Council members rotated so they read about ten, then switched. A few of the comments were memories.

One member read, “‘Once I was having trouble with my intercom so Katelyn came over from next door and helped me out. She then stayed and talked to me for hours, she brightened up my day.'”

Another read, “‘I'll never forget the time that she and the young Miss Hart did their little routine on stage. It was a wonderful performance all round.'”