Out Of Place (Face the Music Book 2) (18 page)

She looked at her watch. “I should get going.” But she made no effort to leave his embrace and he didn’t release her.

He didn’t want her to walk out without saying something. The words didn’t form easily and he didn’t want to say too much and reveal how deep she was under his skin. “I’m not seeing anyone else, just you.” She didn’t say anything. “I wanted you to know.”

She was frowning again, but not her I’m going to come frown. He had to bite back on the laugh that threatened to bubble up at that thought.

Finally she spoke, but he felt the distance even though she hadn’t moved. “I’m not on any birth control.”

This wasn’t about condoms. “I figured that and that’s fine. I didn’t want you thinking that I’m seeing a lot of women. You’re the first in several months.”

She looked at him. “Okay…does that mean we’re dating?”

“I think we are.” She didn’t look thrilled by that. Was he moving too fast? He backtracked like the edge off the cliff he was standing on was disintegrating. “We can go really slow. No pressure.”

She didn’t look convinced. “I like you, but I’m still finding my feet. I’m not sure what I’m doing and…” she sighed. “I don’t know if you’re the person I should be doing it with.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” But he already knew. It was why they’d broken up once already. “I’m not some muso man-whore.”

“Look at me. You have pretty women throwing themselves at you.”

Not as often as she thought. “I want you.”

“I come with baggage and scars.”

“So? I know that and I haven’t run away.” Maybe he should’ve. His life would’ve been easier, and infinitely less interesting.

“But you don’t want people to know either.” Her bottom lip quivered.

“What?” He propped himself up to look at her better.

“I heard you talking to your sister.”

He leaned back against the pillow. “She was jumping to conclusions and I didn’t know where we stood, so I didn’t want her gossiping with Gemma.” He glanced at Olivia. “That didn’t stop you from coming around tonight.”

“I thought it was…um…” Her cheeks flushed and she looked away.

He didn’t like where he thought this was going.

“Just sex?” he offered, hoping that she’d deny it and admit that she wanted more than a good time. He drew away and sat up. “Is that all you want, all you think I’m good for?”

Fuck that.

She didn’t say anything. He got out of bed and put on his shorts.

That got a reaction from her. She pulled on her dress. “Be honest, Ed. How long until you got bored coming second in my life? A month? Two? Until you hit the road and you remember what it’s like to be free of commitments? I don’t have that. I never will again.”

“So you always think of the worst thing that could happen months into the future? What about living for the moment?”

“I was trying to. For a few hours I can pretend that I am someone else, even if I’m not sure who I want to be yet.”

“Be yourself.” There was a bite to his words that was harder than he’d intended.

She shook head, her eyes shiny with tears.
Great.
They couldn’t have sex without tears. This time it was definitely his fault, which made him feel like shit. He shouldn’t have said anything. She was using him for sex and that shouldn’t be a problem. He should be enjoying it. Making the most of it. It wasn’t as if he’d never had sex with someone he never planned on seeing or doing again. Didn’t feel so great now he was on the other end.

He wanted more than that, needed more than that. With Olivia he’d actually felt something more than lust. And karma had picked now to bite him on the ass.

“I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not who I was before the accident and I want to be more than just Ethan’s mum. I want…I don’t know what I want.”

“Call me when you do.” But he wasn’t going to be her booty call.

Part of his brain was screaming,
why the hell not dumbass?

They had fun. They were both getting some. What was the problem?

Apparently he was the problem.

She looked at him as though he’d thrown cold water on her. She picked up her car keys and opened up his bedroom door, then hesitated. “I like being with you.”

“On your terms.” He heard the hard edge in his voice. She’d been calling all the shots—and he’d been loving every minute, never knowing what was going to happen or when he’d see her. She wasn’t the kind of woman who would be glued to his side and demanding all of his time. Yeah, because she had her own life and it was that life that was driving the wedge. He was damned either way.

“You want me on yours.”

That was true. He took a breath and tried to think clearly but it was hard when his room smelled of sex and she was naked beneath her dress. “What’s the middle ground?”

She shook her head. “I have no idea. Maybe there isn’t one.”

It was Christmas day and Olivia was struggling to find her Christmas cheer despite making the most of the champagne breakfast. Her father and Shaun were outside looking at the water feature her parents had bought for each other. Ethan was creating tunnels out of boxes for his new train to drive through. Everyone seemed happy except her.

Was Ed happy? She had no idea. It had been two days and neither of them had made a move. Should she call?

Call me when you do.

It was her move if she wanted what they had to continue. If she wanted to date him. Her heart almost exploded at the thought. It was too much and not enough.

Why hadn’t she admitted that she’d liked him?

Because that would take balls and she had none. She was a quivering yellow jelly that lacked anything resembling a spine.

Julie poured herself another champagne and orange. “So, shall I mark you down as just one for the wedding?”

“Yeah.” Who was she going to take? Ed? She picked up another chocolate-filled croissant and took a bite. She wasn’t hungry, but there was something about pastry-wrapped chocolate that she couldn’t resist. The look on Julie’s face might be worth roping Ed in. She imagined her sister’s face contorting and turning red as she was forced to smile. Then reminded herself that it was Christmas and Julie was stressed. She took another bite. The croissant needed more chocolate.

Julie watched her. “Thank God you’ll be wearing shapewear.”

Olivia smiled and took a swig of the French bubbly—Shaun had bought the good stuff around—there was a reason people got drunk on Christmas while surrounded by family. “I’m not the bride. No one will give a toss what I look like.”

The evil sausage skin would accidentally get forgotten. Olivia was willing to bet no one would notice. Not even Julie, unless she did an inspection. Oh shit, she probably would. It was too easy to imagine Julie lining up the bridesmaids for underwear inspection. She choked on the laugh and had to have another drink.

“You didn’t invite the guy you’ve been seeing?” Her mother took the plate of bacon and sausages off the table. Was she worried that Olivia would keep eating if she didn’t?

Julie looked at Olivia as though she’d turned purple and sprouted a tail. “You’re seeing someone.”

Damn it
. She didn’t want to share. And she didn’t know if she was anymore as they’d left it unresolved. “Not really.”

“You either are or you aren’t.” Julie sipped her drink.

“It’s not serious.” Ed thought it was. Her mother thought it was. “We’ve been on a couple of dates.”

“Well, if it’s not serious he can’t come. I’m not paying for a fling to come to my wedding.”

Olivia bit her tongue. She knew their parents were paying for the reception.

Julie watched their mother leave the room then leaned closer. “How do you know it’s not serious?”

Olivia searched Julie’s face for the malicious glint she was used to seeing, but didn’t find one. “I don’t know.”

“How did you know Miles was the one?” Julie’s voice became quiet.

She shrugged and finished the croissant, licking the chocolate off her fingers. “I don’t know…”

She didn’t know. It had just happened. They’d started dating and he’d become part of her life. A part she didn’t want to lose. But she had.

She tried to imagine never seeing Ed again, except for on TV. She tried to imagine being part of that world. Neither option worked. She didn’t want to lose him, but she didn’t know how to be with him either.

At first she hadn’t known how to live without Miles; but she’d worked it out.

That was different. She could fail in private. With Ed it would be public.

“You were going to marry him; you must have known he was the man for you.” Julie pushed.

She shook her head. No. She’d been nineteen, they’d started dating when she was sixteen and everyone before that wasn’t worth talking about. She wasn’t an expert when it came to relationships; she barely knew what she was doing. “Don’t ask me for advice, my life is a mess. You have it together. You always have. I was never able to compete.”

“Everyone expected me to be sensible. I was the eldest. What if I’m simply doing what is expected?”

Aside from the train noises coming from the next room, the house was silent. “Do you have cold feet?”

“You had this great love; you knew who you wanted to be with, while I floundered around.”

“I was nineteen. We may not have lasted.” She covered her mouth with her hand. It was one of those thoughts that she’d never shared. But after seeing the breakups in her mother’s group—women who were older than her, who’d been with their partners for longer—she wasn’t sure that what she’d had with Miles would’ve gone the distance. “I’ll never know.”

If she never gave Ed a chance, she’d never know either.

“You love Shaun.” Olivia tried to reassure her sister.

“I think I do.”

“I know you do. I see it when you look at him. Can you imagine life without him?”

Julie was quiet for a moment. “That’s just it. I can.”

Was this why Julie had started being so difficult? “He loves you.”

“I know, but ever since I accepted everything has snowballed. His mother hates me and his brother is a letch.”

“You’re marrying Shaun, not his whole family. Why did you accept?”

“Because it was the right thing to do and everyone expected it.”

“I don’t believe that. You’ve never let anyone make you do anything you didn’t want.” Whereas she’d done anything to keep the peace. Miles had gotten sick of condoms so they’d been careful—that had worked out well. She’d made a fuss once about getting in the car with him after he’d been drinking. They’d had a huge fight, but after that she hadn’t said anything, and he’d promised not to drink too much or be over the limit. That had been a lie, but she’d trusted him.

She had grown up over the last three years. She hadn’t caved in and gone along with what Ed had wanted to keep him around, instead she’d gone too far and pushed him away. There was a middle ground, but she had to find it.

She looked at her sister, whose feet were frozen at the idea of getting married. It had been an adventure she’d been ready to go on, but was that because it had been the easy path and the one that was expected or because it had been what she wanted? She didn’t know. It had been so long ago and had happened to a different Olivia.

“What if I’m in love with the idea of being married to him, more than I am with him?” Julie twisted the stem of her glass, her gaze on the contents.

“Only you know that.” The guys came inside, having finished talking about how best to connect the water feature. Olivia was sure Shaun didn’t have a clue—he never got his hands dirty. “I’m going to check on Ethan.”

She left Julie with her expensive wedding dilemma and watched as Ethan made wrapping paper mountains to go with the box tunnels. Three years of her life had slipped by without her doing anything. She’d followed along and danced to the same tune every day.

“Come here and let me get a photo for Nan.”

“No.” Ethan scowled. He’d been up too early with the excitement. No doubt there was a meltdown coming, and a nap.

Olivia sat on the floor with him, leaned in and took a selfie. Ethan was looking at the train she’d bought him, but he was wearing the clothes his other grandparents had bought him. Her parents had bought him a paddling pool.

It wasn’t the best photo, but never mind. She typed up the Merry Christmas text to Karen and hit send.

She stared at her phone and the last text Ed had sent her, and her reply. At some point relationships were about having the guts to jump in without knowing how deep the water was. At least this time she knew how to swim for shore instead of being sucked under. She sent Ed a message with the picture attached.

Christmas at the Vincents’ was a revolving door event. His mother made sure there was always food out. So far Ed has endured the jibes from three different cousins. He was the youngest and they had always picked on him. He was sick of it, especially now. While he tried to laugh it off as jealousy, it was getting harder.

He sat out the back with a beer, wishing he could lock himself in the garage and finish writing the album. Watching Olivia leave seemed to be inspiring him. It really was turning into a breakup album.

He checked his phone again, but Mike and Dan hadn’t replied. Gemma had. She was still in Bunbury and so far her father had stayed away. She said she had three partials and that she’d be back after Boxing Day. That made him smile. They’d have more songs than they’d need—which was good as they could throw out the shit.

His phone buzzed, but the message wasn’t from one of the guys. It was from Olivia.

A picture flashed on the screen. He wanted to resist but couldn’t. He’d missed her and it had only been two days. He wished he’d kept his mouth closed and let things continue as they were. The picture was at an odd angle, but she was smiling. The blond kid was looking away. It took a heartbeat for him to realise that was Ethan. She’d sent him a photo that included her kid.

That had to mean something…didn’t it?

His father walked outside. “Your aunt can talk.”

So could her boys. “Yeah.”

He toyed with the phone in his hand, wanting to write something back but unable to find the words. He had to let her lead the dance. He’d never been in this situation. Girls had always come on to him. But Olivia wasn’t a girl. She was a woman who had worked out that she wanted him. Maybe. He hoped so.