Out of Control (18 page)

And she was terrified Rafe would reject her. That was a man's way, wasn't it?

Then suddenly his arms came around her hard, so hard they hurt. A wonderful kind of hurt that Julia knew she'd remember and cherish for the rest of her life.

They stood there on that mountain slope, the breeze buffeting them. One of the horses tossed its head and the metal in its bridle clinked. Cool, dank air breathed on her from the tunnel while the warm afternoon of a Colorado June warmed her, even though the sun had slipped over the mountain at their backs and cast them into shadows.

The moment was one of the sweetest of Julia's life. It reminded her of the day she'd been there to bring Maggie into the world. With no idea how to do such a thing—and Audra knowing even less—Julia had attended the arrival of a new life. And this embrace felt like new life, too.

Finally, Rafe's grip eased and he raised his head. Their eyes met.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Her question was a whisper, soft enough that if he wanted to ignore it, turn and move, he could pretend that he hadn't heard her and she'd let him.

“I—I just had a hard look at a terrible part of myself. A failure. Out of control. It's shameful.” The harsh laugh was nothing Julia had ever heard from Rafe before. “Like a whining little girl.”

That pinched. “Hey, I'll have you know little girls can be as tough as they need to be.” Julia knew from experience just how tough a young girl could be.

That brought Rafe's head around and she saw amusement in his eyes, though he couldn't quite manage a smile. “You're right. Sorry.”

“Just tell me.” Julia hoped and prayed he would.

Rafe nodded. “Let's go on down while we talk.”

He started out down the talus slide, and Julia kept up rather than be left behind.

“We ran pretty wild when we were kids. Ma was . . . sick, I guess you'd say. She just sat around, quiet-like. She'd cook meals at least part of the time, but mostly she sat in her rocker. She cried a lot. And Pa was building the ranch, and he trapped furs too, and hunted gold. He'd go off, sometimes for weeks at a time. Seemed like he was gone longer and longer as the years went by.

“He wasn't kind to Ma, yelled at her a lot, and he seemed to want to do things on his own rather than have us boys tagging after him. We had chores. He'd leave us to them and go out alone.” Rafe shrugged. “That left us pretty much on our own.”

Rafe was describing Julia's life. Her mother sick. Her father gone. She'd have loved above all things to have a couple of little brothers or sisters. But what if she'd had them and led them into danger. She shuddered at the thought. Instead there'd been only her. And she ran wild, hunted in caverns she probably had no business in, found peace and contentment—as much as possible—in nature and her own company.

“We got in the habit of exploring that cavern you love so much. It's a dangerous place, but I didn't realize it at the time, or maybe I just didn't think it through. It was spooky and beautiful and fun. I was all for hunting around down there.”

Rafe picked up the pace. Julia hurried along, hoping he wouldn't forget he was in the middle of a story.

“Then one day we had trouble. Bad trouble.” They reached the bottom of the slope where Rafe stopped, turned to her and grabbed one hand. He squeezed her fingers until they hurt. “You need to stay out of there. It's deadly. I didn't stop Ethan and Seth from going down. I encouraged them. I wanted to be down there.” Rafe's breathing picked up. His gaze seemed to look through her. Then he closed his eyes and shook his head as if to clear it.

“There was trouble and I—I—” He ran a hand over the scar on his forehead.

“Is that when you got the scar?” She reached up and her hand touched his as she drew her forefinger along the jagged wound. His hair was short enough that it showed all the time, but she mostly forgot about it. That scar didn't change the fact that he was the most handsome man she'd ever seen.

“Yes. Every time I touch it, I remember how badly I failed my brothers.”

It was his habit to rub on that scar. Which meant he remembered all the time. “What happened, what trouble?”

“I found out the truth and I—I am not an honorable man. I can force myself to do the right thing, but in my heart I couldn't control the selfish need to take care of myself no matter who suffered.”

“No, Rafe.”

“Yes.” His eyes blazed. “And today there was a pit in that cave. I almost fell into it and it brought that day back. I heard something or someone, climbing up out of that pit. I felt like something was coming for me. I—I suppose it was just that man we saw. Of course it was.”

Rafe scrubbed his face again. “But for just a few minutes, I could have sworn the devil himself was climbing right up from the underworld to grab me and drag me down. And I ran. Today I ran just like all those years ago. I thought I'd gotten control of myself, but I haven't. I'm the same weakling I always was.”

A chill raised goose bumps along Julia's arms. “There's a pit in this cave? And someone was in it?”

“Yes. I might have let my imagination run wild with thoughts of the devil, but I didn't imagine that someone was there. It was pitch-dark. I heard a sound, felt along and found a rope hanging over the edge of a hole. It was moving, pulled tight, as if someone was hanging from it. That's where the man we saw must have gone, but I lost control in there. I ran scared.”

“I'd have run, too.” Julia launched herself at Rafe and he stumbled backward with a grunt.

He held her tight. So tight.

“Anytime you need to talk, I'll listen.”

“Thank you.” Rafe kissed her.

She knew she shouldn't be kissing him, but he needed her. When the kiss ended, she whispered, “I'm so glad you told me. Talking about it has to help and I want to help.”

“Good, then it's settled.” His callused hands rested, one on each cheek. “I'll see to it.”

“Settled?” Julia's eyes weren't fully focused. And neither were her thoughts. “See to what?”

“See to—”

“Rafe!” Ethan's voice lashed them like a bullwhip. “Julia, come quick.”

Julia stepped back and bumped into her horse. She and Rafe were standing between their two mounts. She peeked over the back of Rafe's to face Ethan.

Bracing herself for what she'd learned was a steady stream of irreverence from Ethan, Julia wondered just exactly what Rafe thought was settled.

Ethan galloped up, lacking his usual incessant, vacant smile. And he was looking straight at her.

With sympathy.

“Julia, I'm sorry.”

She knew before he said it what was coming.

“Your pa just died.”

Rafe's hand came to her back to support her.

“And Audra went into labor.”

Julia jerked away from Rafe's touch.

“It stopped. She says it's happened before and she's fine now, but I convinced her to go to bed.” Ethan swung down, and that was when Julia noticed that Ethan had Maggie in a little pack on his back.

“Good grief, where'd you get that thing?” Julia hurried toward the baby.

“Steele had seen one before. An Indian woman carried her baby this way. He made it while I stayed inside worrying over Audra.”

The baby was facing backward, her arms and legs waving.

“Give her to me.”

“No, it takes a while to get it rigged. Just mount up and let's go.”

Julia nodded. “Yes, of course. I have to get home.”

She turned to her horse and was galloping before she'd given it a thought. Then finally she did think and she realized she was riding for Audra, to help her. Worried about the baby falling out of that strange pack. There was no grief, and that in itself was a terrible sort of grief.

Thundering hooves told her the Kincaid men were right behind her. She glanced back and a movement far behind her drew her attention to that vent they'd just come through. A man. Was it the same man? This one didn't look just the same. He had a beard but something else. He was too far away to see for sure, but she thought he wore an eye patch. Then he was gone and Julia wasn't sure what she'd seen. She looked forward to guide her horse.

Who was that man?

And what had Rafe meant when he'd said he'd see to it?

And what in the world did he think was settled?

Gilliland was dead!

He cursed the luck. He wanted to shriek and swear and pull his gun and kill and kill and kill.

Staring at the three people who rode away, he considered the possibilities.

He could follow a trail. Rubbing his sweat-soaked hand over the scar that had made him so ugly, he wondered how to handle this? The boss wasn't one for excuses.

A letter. He could use their system and leave the boss a message. Then what?

Quit?

If a man died, his secrets didn't necessarily die with him. He left a trail.

If anyone would know the truth about a man's secrets, it was his daughter.

The daughter looked over her shoulder and saw him. He deliberately stayed in view for a few seconds, enjoying revealing himself to her. After a few seconds, he ducked back into the cave and back into darkness where he belonged.

Nothing had really changed. He needed the daughter still. Only now, instead of using her to drag the truth out of Gilliland, he'd find the truth within her.

And again he had the urge to laugh. This time he didn't try and control himself.

The only salt water Old Wendell Gilliland had earned with his miserable life was the sweat of Rafe's brow from digging a hole.

“I'm riding to town.” Rafe finished dumping dirt over the old scoundrel and turned to Julia and Audra. Audra leaned heavily on Julia. The baby was sleeping in Julia's strong arms. Julia bearing the weight of this whole family. Audra's face was white, her jaw rigid, her eyes dry as a bone. The women looked upset and worried, but there was no grief.

Rafe wanted to ride into town for the parson before he started doing all that he saw needed doing. He wanted to haul Julia along with him, to get time alone with her, to have that conversation that had been interrupted by Wendell's death. But she'd been inseparable from Audra, and Rafe didn't figure he'd have much luck getting her away.

Which meant he'd have to handle it all himself.

Which was fine.

He turned to Ethan. “Help me get my horse saddled.”

Ethan's brows rose in surprise. Ethan would know good and well that Rafe could saddle his own horse, which meant they needed to talk alone.

As soon as they were out of hearing distance, Rafe said, “Audra isn't up to being dragged miles across country to get her to our place and there's no sense taking her to town. I didn't even like letting her stand up for the funeral.”

“Agreed.” Ethan strode along beside Rafe, and it warmed Rafe's heart to have his brother back. Now he just needed to get settled in that mountain valley with Julia, convince her that cavern was no place for a lady, give Ethan the homeplace, make sure he was running it right, get Audra's baby safely into the world, and find Seth.

And then everything would be fine.

Rafe explained quickly about the man Julia had seen ducking into the cave. “Whoever that was may be dangerous. I need to go to Rawhide. You're on guard duty until I get back with the parson.”

“The man's already buried, Rafe. Besides, last I heard the only parson in Rawhide is a circuit rider. He might not show up for a month. No sense bringing a minister all the way out here for the funeral that's long over and done.”

“No sense at all.” Rafe dropped a loop over his chestnut, grazing in the deep grass alongside Ethan's and Wendell's horses. He kept busy slapping leather on his horse, thinking of all that needed doing, and then he swung into the saddle and turned to his brother.

Ethan didn't ask any more questions, but that was Ethan. He did a good job of not letting anyone know he cared.

“I'll make it a fast trip. Hope to be back by dark. If I'm delayed, be careful. Whoever that was in that hidden canyon, I think he's up to no good. Otherwise why run like that? Why not just come on out and say hello?” Rafe didn't confess to the way he'd acted in that tunnel. It was too shameful.

“I'll keep an eye out.”

Rafe spurred his horse.

He strode into the cabin just as dusk was turning to dark.

The evening meal was over, but a plate sat covered on the table, and he knew it was for him. Audra sat in a new rocking chair that Ethan must have made this afternoon. Rafe wished he'd done it. He loved fine woodwork and would have made something prettier, but Ethan had beaten him to it and the chair rocked and kept Audra's backside off the floor. That was all a chair really needed to do.

Audra lifted her head when Rafe came in and blinked at him so owlishly he knew she'd been dozing. Julia sat in front of the fireplace in the only other chair. She had a large flat book on her lap and was using it as a desk. An ink bottle balanced on the book, and she was writing diligently by firelight—no doubt about her
Julia-pig-osauria
. Ethan sat on the floor, one knee drawn up, his head leaned back against the stones that surrounded the hearth.

It was a homey sight, and even though the cold night wind whistled in through the ramshackle walls, Rafe was glad to come in from the dark to this place of light and, best of all, a woman who was waiting for him.

“Someone saw the circuit rider in the next town over from Rawhide. No idea how long he'll stay there, but his next stop is Rawhide, so he oughta be out here soon.”

“That's nice.” Julia looked up from her writing. “We haven't had a visit from a parson in years.”

“He can say a prayer over Wendell's grave.” Audra started her chair rocking. “And baptize Maggie.”

“Yep, after he marries us.” Rafe hung his hat on a nail and turned to see three heads come up. Red, blond, and brown. Their eyes locked on him.

“What?” He couldn't imagine what was going through their minds.

“Marries . . . ?” Audra's voice was a barely audible squeak.

“Yeah.” Rafe pulled his gloves off and tossed them on the floor beside his hat. It had gotten chilly tonight on the ride home.

“Marries who?” Ethan asked, sounding on edge.

Rafe smiled at Julia, who was riveted on him. Her pen frozen in midair. The firelight glinted on her red hair, and Rafe longed to touch those fiery curls. He intended to have the right to do just that very soon.

“Marries Julia and me, of course.” He smiled at Julia's nonsense. “I told you that.”

“No, you didn't.” They all three spoke at once.

Audra gave a tiny shudder and said, “I was afraid he meant me.”

Which wasn't very nice.

“You never learn, brother.” Ethan grinned, his eyes sliding between Rafe and Julia like he was afraid he'd miss something.

Julia very slowly rose, set her book with the paper and ink on her chair with almost painful precision. She capped the ink and turned to Rafe.

“Clear this up, Julia. Tell 'em.”

Julia's eyes got a squinty look that was better suited to a hired gunslinger. “Are you telling me”—she spoke so slowly, no one could miss a word—“you asked a parson”—she breathed in and out far too slowly—“to come out here”—she clasped her hands together in front of her in a way that sort of looked like she was strangling someone—“to perform a wedding ceremony . . .”

Rafe heaved a sigh of relief. The woman was getting the message.

“ . . . for the two of us?”

“Well, sure. And while I was in town, I bought that mountain valley for us to live in.”

He turned to Ethan. “They have it listed as wasteland, nothing but rugged mountain. They have no idea all that lush grass is in there. And I've never staked a claim, what with the ranch bein' Pa's, so I got a lot of it free. Then I bought the rest for next to nothing. You can help me build a cabin over there, and then have the Kincaid ranch house for yourself. Now, I'm not happy about seeing that man in the tunnel, Eth. You and I need to search—”

“Rafe!” Julia's voice cut him off.

He turned back to her. “What?”

Her head tilted slowly, a fraction of an inch at a time to the left, as if her brain were out of balance and she was trying to bring her world to a level place.

“You thought . . . You really mean . . . What makes you . . . ?” Her eyes fell shut and her head straightened. Her clasped-together knuckles turned white. Her chin came up, reminding him she was a stubborn little thing.

“You said yes.” Really, it was like she couldn't keep two thoughts in her head at the same time. She was probably thinking about fossils now and couldn't summon anything else.

“No.”

“Sure, we talked about it.”

“We did not.”

“Why would I ride to town and get the parson for a wedding if we weren't getting married?”

“That's a fascinating question.” Her green eyes flashed such fire, Rafe thought he might have singe marks on his shirt front. “Why
would
you ride to town and get the parson for a wedding without even discussing such a thing with me?”

“We talked at the vent of that caldron.”

“Caldron?” Ethan looked at the pathetic assortment of pots and pans in the house.

“Stay out of this,” Rafe said, glaring at his smirking brother. Then he looked at Audra. “And what do you mean you were
afraid
I meant you? You need a husband, too. I'll figure that out as soon as Julia and me get hitched and settled.”

Audra's jaw dropped.

“Rafe, where in the world did you get the idea we were getting married?” Julia jammed her fists on her slender hips, and Rafe thought of getting all that fire in his life. He might risk warming up all the way through once he had her permanently in his home and in his arms and his bed.

“I got the idea when you let me kiss you.” Rafe scowled.

Julia blushed.

Ethan grinned.

Audra gasped and looked at her stepdaughter. “Julia, really?”

“And when we came out of that caldron—”

“Caldera, not caldron.” Julia took two steps toward Rafe, which brought her really close, considering the puny size of the room. She hissed, “And you'll not speak of such a thing”—she sneaked a look at Ethan, who was listening to every word, and her voice dropped—“in front of others.”

Rafe snaked one arm around her waist and said, “Okay, let's go sort this out in private.”

He swept her out the door, slamming it hard enough that for a second he was afraid it might shake off its hinges. Which wouldn't matter a whole lot because he wasn't planning to stay much longer. But still, no sense having the front door lying on the ground in the week or two it'd take him to build a better house. He must have surprised her, because she let him take her quite a ways before she started struggling.

“Let me go. I'm not marrying you, you big, dumb
umphh
—”

Rafe kissed her. It was the only thing he could think of to keep her quiet. She froze, and Rafe was suddenly afraid, as afraid as he'd been when he'd knelt beside that hole and felt that rope trembling and believed something terrible was coming straight for him from deep in the belly of the earth. Afraid she really meant it when she said she wasn't marrying him. Afraid he'd be alone and cold forever.

Then she thawed.

Her arms went around his neck and he had her tight in his arms. He lifted her until her toes dangled, and when at last he pulled away, he spoke, his lips still touching hers. “How could you not know—” he broke off talking for a minute to kiss her—“we were getting married? How could you kiss me like this a single time and not believe we had to join our lives?”

He pulled away far enough to meet her eyes in the moonlight. They looked slightly unfocused.

“Say you'll marry me, Julia. We need to get married. We can't go around kissing like this if we don't, and I like it too much to give it up.”

Relaxing her iron grip on his neck, Julia laid her hands flat on his shoulders and pushed gently but firmly to get away. Her gaze seemed to clear. He lowered her to the ground, sure now she would be reasonable.

“Let me go, please.”

When he did, all the cold rushed back into him. Only when it returned did he realize just how much he was feeling while he held her.

They stood, face-to-face in the dark. Starlight cascading down on them. Her red hair and green eyes lost their color in the night and cast her in a shade of dark blue that made her seem too beautiful to be true. Rafe searched in his head for what he could tell her that would make her his. He needed to take control fast before she got her say in.

“Rafe, you never asked me to marry you.”

Flinching, Rafe knew he'd waited too long to start. “Julia, are you telling me you've been kissing me like a house afire with no notion that I might have . . . have . . . serious, honorable intentions toward you? Do you think that little of me? Do you kiss men like this all the time?” That caused a flash of heat that crawled up his neck and got hot under his collar.

“Of course not.”

“What then? Why wouldn't you expect to marry me?”

She got that squinty look in her eyes again. Rafe did his best to keep his face straight, but he was disgusted that the woman didn't make sense. He was going to insist she be logical once they were married.